TPE and safety

I experienced a complicated situation where TPE & 24/7 was turned against me in a way that was exploitative, and left both my finances and career in ruins. This was very difficult to recover from - my family rejected me pretty thoroughly - why did I “let” him do these things to me?

I still struggle a lot with holdovers. Things turned almost culty - for a few months after he kicked me out, I thought it was some kind of “test.” He didn’t even bother uncollaring me when he kicked me out.

I’ve been in therapy for a couple years and have rebuilt some of the smoldering ruins of my life.

I don’t know how to reconcile my desires for submission with maintaining my safety. Realizing that he never loved me and meant the degradation and humiliation has me still fucked up.

But I still crave that promise - I still crave that idea of being owned by another person. It feels like it’s delusional to imagine getting what I want without being hurt again. It helps me function - being able to focus on the needs and happiness of just one person. I could spend hours cleaning for a “good boy” and a pat on the head.

Does anyone have this? Successfully, healthily, with a real respect and maybe even love? It’s fucked my head that my devotion resulted in being left sleeping on a friends couch for months.