The success of other people transitioning seems to be quite a trigger for my dysphoria

I already knew, that I am not capable of looking at the images of transition timelines, because it is absolutely devastating to see the progress of others while I have not even got it to get on the waiting list for an endo (but I am on my way to starting DIY). Seeing these kinds of pictures usually triggered quite heavy dysphoria and it usually comes almost instantly.

However, it seems like that not just transition timelines, but also storys of others who came out and literally had the best possible experience seems to be now a trigger too. Storys of people telling how supportive their parents are or who got the courage to go out full girl mode, while I am sitting here not trusting my parents with anything I plan on doing transition wise, since they usually try to gaslight me into not doing things or my mother gatekeeping on what standards I have to meet to be a woman. I am also way to nervous to go out in full girl mode (it took me literal weeks until being comfortable enough to not constantly hide my painted nails while being out in public).

It is absolutely devastating seeing how others are succesfull in becoming who they really are, and getting lots of support on the way to it, while it kind of feels like that I have to fight for everything myself and every single step in my transition takes literal ages.

Just so that this does not get mistaken: I have friends who are supportive, but they cant really take the burden of actually doing things from me. Best they can do is, that sometimes when we are doing something I get the courage to go out in a skirt since talking to someone distracts me and stops me from panicing over something as small as a piece of clothing. I dont even really have to fear for transphobia or meeting someone I am not out to yet when going out in girl mode. Its completely irrational, but still it takes wagon loads of courage (or weed) to actually go out in girl mode.