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Transfem @lemmy.blahaj.zone
oNevia @lemm.ee

Bouts of serious self doubt and guilt?

So I'm very new to self acceptance on being a woman. Only a week in a half in, but have been contemplating if I were trans for a few months.

My partner is supportive and wonderful but I also know how big of a change this is for her as well. I don't want to move faster than she is comfortable, but also am struggling a lot more with dysphoria since I realized who I am.

I have good days where I explore my femininity and feel a confidence in myself that I've never felt before. It's especially helpful when my wife is right there by my side. Today for example she did my makeup for me. We trimmed my eyebrows, put on foundation and mascara as well as a tinting lip balm. I couldn't stop smiling about how pretty I felt.

Other days I feel more like my old self. Stuck in my shell and shutting down. I didn't realize how dark and depressing my life felt before my acceptance. I feel almost suicidal in those moments because that was generally how I was starting to feel. Just a mountain of shame and guilt over the drastic changes I'm forcing my wife and child to deal with.

I guess I'm wondering how normal it is to feel a shift in my mental image of myself like this? Either I feel like a woman, or something makes me feel like a man and my mood plummets.

Guess I'm just looking for some extra reassurance from others like me. I've only told my therapist and wife and when I'm drowning in guilt, all I want is a hug and reassurance that things will be ok. That I will be ok.

I don't know. This is all so scary sometimes and gives me a pit in my stomach. Do I even have the courage to come out to the world? To risk my life and what I've built with my loved ones to explore this?

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  • I'm a bit late to this thread, but thought I'd chime in anyway in case you want to hear from someone else with some similar feelings. I'm also quite new to this - after years of wondering without believing, my egg finally broke about a month ago, and ever since then I've gone back and forth between conflicting moods. Sometimes I'm confident that this is an obvious truth that I should have seen at least ten years ago, and sometimes I end up feeling numb to it all and wondering if it was all some kind of dream or delusion.

    For what it's worth, I've definitely found that the doubt is evaporating over time, and especially as I take proactive, gender-affirming actions and really allow myself to feel whatever I end up feeling as a result. It just doesn't make sense for the good things to feel this good or the bad things to feel this bad if it were from any other reason. It sounds like you're taking the same route, so I hope we'll both get to where we need to be sooner rather than later. ❤️

    This last detail is a bit more personal, so I don't know how helpful it would be, but since poking a hole in my internal wall, I've also found music to be effective at cutting through my remaining psychological barriers and striking at my emotional core. Basically, if I hear song lyrics that relate in any way to my situation (even if it requires a twist of perspective), I turn into a blubbering mess. There's one song in particular that always seems to set me off, so I've occasionally gone out of my way to listen to it when I'm in a doubtful mood. It's hard to deny your feelings when you're bursting into tears. Maybe you've encountered something similar that you could use in the same way.

    Hmm, looks like I've rambled for a bit longer than intended. Sorry if this essay was excessive! 😅

    • Thank you for your reply! And I have been feeling exactly this! Days where I'm confident in this decision and ready to do all the girly stuff and days where I'm like "maybe I'm lying?"

      But as time moves on and I become more comfortable with the idea, the better I have been feeling. I used to HATE taking care of my self in any sort of way. Now I'm loving getting a smooth shave all over my body, lotioning up and feeling silky smooth. Took me some time to get used to not having a beard, but I feel generally better about my appearance.

      Even started wearing my tighter fitting clothing again because all of a sudden I wasn't getting hit with dysphoria attacks. (At the time I thought I was just overly sensitive to how clothing fit, lol)

      Anyways. As I embrace my femininity, I feel more confident and lovable if that makes sense? I like feeling cute. I like feeling like this.

      Music has always been a huge help for me when it comes to my mental health. I'm always humming or listening to something. Especially if I'm trying to get through a specifically anxious moment. I'd love to know what music has been helping you ❤️

      For me, I love listening to Manchester Orchestra, specifically their Black Mile to the Surface album. It speaks to me because it's about becoming a parent for the first time (I have a 15mo) but some of the lyrics speak to the woman inside. Even if it feels like I'm forcing it a bit lol. Literally one song goes "throw the man you used to be away" and I'm like "uh yes hun I will!"

      ❤️🐣

      • LOL, all of this is so spot on for how I've been progressing as well (except for the part about being a parent). I haven't shaved everywhere, because I still don't want anyone to notice and ask questions, but shaving my legs has been such a game changer. And I also couldn't resist reaching for the lotion, even though that's not something I've ever used before except when absolutely necessary. 😂 It's only a matter of time until I mow the rest of the lawn that is my body, and I can't wait.

        I've been seriously delving into the world of women's clothing as well, and the more I wear it the less I want to wear anything else (everything is so soft and stretchy! 😍) - this has also been a great source of dispelling doubt. Your point about feeling cute really hit home. This still feels a bit like cosplay or something, but I don't care - I love how it makes me feel. ❤️

        The particular song that I mentioned earlier is Röyksopp & Robyn's "Every Little Thing". It came up randomly on my mp3 player just a few days in. My brain interpreted the singer as my repressed/future self addressing my conscious self and it just obliterated me. I had a similar effect from Pink Floyd's "Poles Apart", the chorus from Michael Jackson's "Man in the Mirror", and Darren Korb's "Build that Wall" from the Bastion soundtrack. Aaaand I'm going to have to stop thinking of more tracks now because it's getting too hard to see what I'm typing through the tears. 🥲 I'm definitely going to give that album of yours a listen, though.

        • Definitely going to check out your music as well!

          Yeah, I think I used to feel like any type of self care was "too girly" and I think on a subconscious level I was worried it would crack my egg. So I'd let my skin start bleeding from being so dry before reluctantly using lotion. I think I was so disconnected from the man in the mirror 😉 that I didn't have any regard for his well being. Just felt like I was walking around in a meat suit that didn't belong to me.

          I am really interested in looking at women's clothing but have no idea where to start. My entire wardrobe has been all practicality and utility. Because anything else felt too constricting or wrong. Didn't know why that was a thing until I cracked lol.

          • I hear you on the lack of self-care. I think in my case, it was less about it seeming girly, and more a combination of always being tired and not being the slightest bit invested in my appearance. My meat suit definitely needs a lot of maintenance now to make up for it, lol.

            About the clothing - I'm starting from the same place, and it's definitely overwhelming, but I got some great advice from a trans friend of mine. They basically told me to put my concern for the environment to the side for a minute and use fast fashion as a way to explore what's out there and what you like. The site they suggested was Shein - there might be others, I have no idea, but that's the one I've used to great effect. The clothes are absurdly cheap and there's a ton of interesting stuff to choose from. They'll probably fall apart before long, but not before you've had a chance to learn something from them to inform a better long-term purchase. The main challenge is finding stuff that will actually fit, but I've been pleasantly surprised by the stretchiness of the fabrics (and you might not have the same issues, depending on your frame). Since it's online, you don't need to deal with venturing into the world to search for/try on stuff either, which suits me well.

            I actually turned it into a bit of an exercise in the beginning, since I was still (and still am) emerging from my repression and didn't know what or how to feel about things. I split my shopping up into two sessions on separate days. On the first day, I just let myself browse and deliberately avoided thinking about practicality or feasibility, or what might be considered "appropriate". Instead I just allowed myself to be driven by pure whimsy and curiosity; responding to whatever looked particularly interesting, or cute, or whatever. Anything that stood out in any way whatsoever would be left open in a tab. Then the next day was spent taking measurements and sifting through those tabs to pull out the ones that I might actually be able to squeeze into, with the goal of having one or two garments from each of an assortment of major categories. That way, you maximize your potential for experimentation - to see what you will or will not end up responding to when you wear it - and your chances that stuff will actually fit.

            I may have been overthinking things, because I ended up loving pretty much everything instantly. 😅 But I'm glad I did that first session separately, because the sizing phase was brutal... 😭 If I'd tried to do all that from the start, it would likely have frightened me off for another round of procrastination. Even though I couldn't wear everything I liked, though, the browsing phase was still very valuable, if only to allow myself to feel things about clothes. I'm pretty sure that was the first time I ever had fun looking for (non-costume) clothing.

            Anyway, after that first batch, the pursuit of clothing became purely organic and intrinsically motivated - having some idea of what I liked and what would fit naturally turned into curiosity about new, different items, or into wanting more variety or better quality for others, so I've been spiraling outwards from there and having fun doing it. It can be pricey if you go overboard, of course, but sales help. And I justify it as being for medicinal purposes. 😁 At this point, I'm only wearing my old clothes when I need to turn on my webcam or leave my apartment.

            Well, looks like I ended up rambling for far too long again. Hopefully some of that was helpful or encouraging. ❤️

            EDIT: oh yeah, forgot to mention - I listened to that whole album. I liked it! Very pleasant melodies and vocals. I'm terrible at parsing lyrics on the first try, though, so it didn't end up causing any affirmation. 😅 I think those other songs hit me hard because I've been listening to them for years and already knew the words; they had just never hit home with that perspective before.

            EDIT2: oh yeah, another pointer that might be helpful. Try not to worry about how you'll look in the clothes. I definitely look absurd. The important thing is how you'll end up feeling while wearing them. Although, I grant you, this might be a tougher balance to strike when there are others in your home to observe you and potentially make you self-conscious by their very existence.

            • Wow! Thank you so much for explaining your journey with clothes. This was exactly what I needed. It was so overwhelming but now I have a great idea where to start ❤️ definitely going to follow your advice and give it a go. I've tried doing some general searching of products and things on Amazon for a starting point, but even that was overwhelming. My ADHD doesn't help with that though 😅

              Glad you enjoyed the album! Probably not going to find too much that is affirming in our journey, but I found it's helped with the idea of being a parent for the first time. For me, becoming a parent helped kick everything into high gear on my self acceptance journey because I could be my truest self with my son. He loves me for me. Loves that I'm nurturing and affectionate. He loves im more motherly than fatherly and that really put things into perspective for me. I realized I saw myself as not only the parent I always wanted to have, but the MOTHER I always wanted to have. Hopefully that makes sense.

              I'll definitely try not to think too much about how I look in clothes but more how they make me feel. My wife let me try on a shirt of hers and I felt prettier - but after looking in the mirror I got kinda self conscious about it all? Definitely felt kinda ridiculous but also affirming. This whole journey feels strange sometimes. A lot of conflicting emotions. Feels like I now have a man and woman living inside of me. The man is trying to be protective and shut it all down, but the woman is finally being recognized for who she is ya know?

              Is there anything else you have started to experiment with that has been affirming for you?

              I've always had bushy eyebrows so I shaped them up and thinned them out and now I feel like my eyes are a better window into who I truly am 🥰

              I'm also looking into some lingerie for men. Just some underwear that is more affirming and getting excited about that journey :) something easy to hide and almost a way to secretly be my girly self without anyone needing to know ❤️

              • I'm so glad that was helpful for you! ❤️ I was kind of afraid I was writing too much for your interest level. 😅

                I can't relate first-hand to the parenting stuff, but that sounds absolutely precious. ☺️ I definitely recognize your reaction to your wife's shirt, though - that's how a lot of this has been. Incredibly self-consciousness-inducing, but also strangely and inexplicably joyful, and sometimes intense and overwhelming. As long as I stay away from mirrors, I can actually kind of sort of think of myself as cute now. By the way, after a long and cerebral day of work and chores, I was slipping into one of those numb and sort of doubtful moods, but then your comment comparing the man and the woman made me start tearing up, so there must have been something familiar in it. 🥲 I actually had to take a break from reading and grab a tissue. 😂

                Yeah, I've done a couple of things, and so far everything has had some kind of effect - mostly positive ones that I assume are affirmation, but also some...less spectacular ones. By far, the single most impactful thing so far was shaving my legs, but you already know about that. Thigh high socks were an experience, as was the wig. The most common reaction for me (which is what happened with those and most of the clothes) has been feeling a kind of nervous excitement and an irrepressible goofy grin. The legs went a bit beyond that, instilling a sense of utter fascination. For days, I couldn't help just idly stroking my skin and staring at it, like Gollum and the ring or something. 😅 It has also led to furtive attempts at a skin care routine, but we talked a bit about that already (incidentally, I'm totally lost in that area, so tips and product recommendations are welcome).

                Some of the things I've done were more of a mixed bag. I shaved my beard, but I think that just ended up emphasizing my masculine features, so it didn't feel good. On the other hand, it made me look less absurd with the wig on, which, combined with fully femme clothing led to my first vague glimpse of what I might be capable of becoming. That was an emotional moment. When I finally got hold of a bra that sort of fits, I filled it up with bags of rice...I'm still not sure what the reaction to that was, but it was seriously impactful. The weight felt comforting and even familiar somehow, and it made the clothes look less out of place, which was fun. But when I accidentally glimpsed my face in the mirror, it set off over half an hour of uncontrollable sobbing. So, uh, yeah - use caution.

                Let's see...I've also recently started experimenting with gaffs a bit. They're pretty awkward so far, but seeing my profile like that definitely made me feel some kind of way. It was subtle, but felt significant. I'm not sure about lingerie for men. I stumbled across a site with that kind of thing, but, at least on that one, the designs emphasized the bulge, which felt kind of gross. But it would be nice to have more room down there. If you don't mind, let me know if you find anything good! I did end up getting a few lacey and/or skimpy nightwear items from Shein, and they absolutely make you feel all giggly and cute.

                Since you mentioned secretly being girly, I should probably share something about my adventures in panties. After the first Shein order, I learned that panties were worth exploring, but I wanted more practical ones. Oh, that reminds me - I was caught off-guard by the prevalence of clothes requiring hand washing and line drying, so be careful about that if it's something you don't want to do or are not used to. Anyway, I ended up getting an assortment of better quality everyday panties in different styles to try them out, and they have been an absolute delight. Talk about soft, smooth, and feeling cute! And you can wear whatever you want over them and nobody will know! If you're interested in more details on that, I actually geeked out and shared the ones I got in a comment on reddit, where I'm pretty sure nobody even saw it. If you're interested, you can find it here: https://old.reddit.com/r/MtF/comments/17de3sr/when_was_anyone_gonna_tell_me_that_panties_were/k5z6mcv/?context=3

                Looks like the sale is still active for another few days if you're interested, but heed my warning at the end of the reddit comment. There was also a sale on jewelry, which was worth experimenting with. Turns out I like emeralds. 🤩

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