my spouse won't accommodate my neurodivergence
I can't put many details right now because I am at work. But I want to know if anyone else struggles with this or has advice?
I will update with details later.
Sadly this is not uncommon. First thing I would find out is if your partner expects your disability to be "cured" often because ND is not visible and there are some medicines that treat aspects the assumption is made that it can be cured.
If you are in that sort of situation I would strongly suggest couples therapy, I often have to describe my ND as my invisible wheelchair. I will spend my life in it, I cant fix it, but I can build skills and tools that help me live a more normal life but I will always need support.
She says I use ADHD as a crutch to get out of doing things or to attempt to absolve myself of my wrongdoings. She does not want to provide me with accommodations because I am an adult and should have the ability to work around my deficiencies and not force her to do more.
Do I have more than one personality and im just talking to myself?
j/k
https://www.fairplaylife.com/the-book I recently read this book and while its not specifically around ND and ADHD it really helped me understand the position my partner was in as the "default" We also found a couples therapist that specializes in ADHD.
Its not a crutch to get out of things, but if you are letting things default to your partner it will feel like that. This book and method might help.
Well, how do you deal with situations when you have a lapse of diligence? While it may not be your "fault" that certain things happen, you must still take responsibility for those things.
Ok, so I spent some serious time last night thinking about this and I wanted to start with a question and see if this is a more productive tract.
Who is responsible for taking out the trash, when is trash day, and when a trash can is full or nearly full but its not trash day who takes it out?
We have tried therapy. I even tried to get her to join me with mine. In short my therapist said she is cold.
It will depend entirely on the accommodations you are asking of them. What seems unreasonable to them may feel reasonable to you, and the same the other way around.
More details would definitely be useful here.
I've asked for lists rather than her telling me tasks while I am busy, and then gets upset if I forget.
My defense is that if I can't make a physical note, and I likely will forget, then text me or write it down. She says I should just be able to remember.
I agree that more details help with this. I had hoped someone would relate and share their experiences based on vague information.
I'm working on a longer post and will post it tomorrow after I've had a chance to sleep, so that I can read it with a fresh perspective.
That sounds like a reasonable request.
If you're open to advice, I'd suggest exploring communicating and unpacking needs with your partner. In the example you've given, you've shared with her that you need things written down in order to better remember a task. Her reply "you should just be able to remember" is unhelpful on it's surface, but it's possible that behind that is a need that's being unmet. Perhaps she feels she's not being listened to? it's worth exploring this with her.
So I can relate to this, I have been diagnosed with ADHD/autism and I am married to someone who has OCD/autism. So our relationship takes a lot of communication and working around each other's preferences to remain healthy and functional.
I think one thing that can be exhausting to most people who are in a relationship with someone who is neurodivergent is that it can feel like they have to work harder to accommodate our deficiencies more than we do ourselves.
This can be true in some sense, but it doesn't account for the daily tribulations of navigating a society not made for the way we think. Now one thing I have to remind myself is that while there is nothing inherently wrong with being neurodivergent, the reality is that it's our responsibility to try and operate in society the best we can.
I've asked for lists rather than her telling me tasks while I am busy, and then gets upset if I forget.
I think the problem here is that you are making it her responsibility to write you a list of things they want you to do. I too am very bad at remembering things when I'm working on something or busy.
My solution is that I pretty much always have a notepad/pen on me so I can take a quick note and make sure I haven't dropped the ball on something throughout the day. I don't think it should be the onus of your partner to do this, just like I know that Im not going to get my work place to write up a daily things for me to accomplish.
At the end of the day we can't expect the world to learn coping skills to deal with us, we have to learn coping skills to deal with them. And i can basically guarantee your partner isn't the only person who has the same issue.
The devil is in the details.... Being nuerodivergent doesn't exactly give you the right to make requests that would be unreasonable in any other marriage. Adaptation and communication are important in any long term relationship, but it really depends on the extent of what your request is more than it has to do with being on the spectrum.
Assume I'm a good person asking for help from those who can contribute. I mentioned that more details will be coming after my shift ends. I'm confused by the purpose of your comments. I don't see what is being added to the conversation other than a suggestion to communicate better.
Please assume the best of my intentions and that the 101 steps for help are understood.
Mainly just saying that no one is going to be able to really help until you actually communicate what your specific scenario is. Otherwise the only thing anyone really can say is to talk it out with your partner.