I'm built different

If I get medicated then am I just going to be some guy? A guy who just goes to work, comes home, focuses on stuff and who’s brain is quiet?

Communists don't have to be neurodivergent or neurotypical. Anyone can be a Communist as long as they have a grasp on the world. Medications will not necessarily hurt you or make you Capitalist. I've taken energy drinks, eaten coffee beans, taken all sorts of pills to help with stresses and I'm still here, Red as ever.

The important part is that you're still alive. Altho it is bravery that spreads the Communist movement, it is self-preservation that ensures one's survival, so they may one day be brave. Take care of yourself.

I'm not qualified to say whether you have BPD or much on what that would mean for you. I would just like to comment on this part:

I like to think i make decisions logically. But I don’t.

In my experience, some of the people who are most insistent about being logical have some of the worst reasoning I ever hear. The point being that a lot of people are kind of full of it on the extent of their rationality (I mean among so-called neurotypical people). I don't really have the time right now to get into to the extent that I'd like, but I think there's a lot of confusion over what logical thinking and decision-making even means vs. emotional. Like math proof logic is certainly not what most people are doing most of the time, that's for sure. Some kind of informal reasoning mixed with emotional motives and layered with a system of beliefs is probably closer to what most people are operating on most of the time, no matter how they want to frame it to themselves or others. The reality is more messy than it's sometimes made out to be. People who have "disorders" are delineated by certain kinds of extremes, but that doesn't mean everybody "normal" is on one side of the fence and the people with "disorders" are on the other side. It's more a spectrum thing, as I understand it, and it takes a certain degree of extreme to be diagnosed with a disorder. And then at least in USian ways, to some extent it's simply bureaucracy like: "I will diagnose this person with X disorder because then I can justify to the insurance company treating them for something." That's not to say the person doing the diagnosing is trying to make it up, but they may be trying to justify the need for treatment and disorder designations are a way to justify.

This also isn't to say disorders aren't identifying real clusters of traits and behavior, but that the realities are more complicated than simple poles of have or don't have, and the motives surrounding what qualifies as a disorder are complicated in their own way too. Getting a diagnosis can be more about getting treatment than anything else. To what extent it matters practically speaking, can be more about whether the condition you have is debilitating and whether it is preventing you from making progress toward goals you have (which are presumed by the system to be pro-social ones for them to be valid, or at least what the status quo's idea of pro-social is).

You are you, and there's nothing and no one in the entire world who can replace you. You're beautiful the way you are, you're unique, you're wonderful, you're self-aware, and you deserve so much love, friendship and of course comradeship! You don't need to fit in an artificial box, you don't need to be arbitrarily categorized on terms that aren't your own. None of us need to abide by such "rules" that don't actually benefit us or anyone else. Because no one but yourself, and nothing but yourself, has any right to claim what you are and what you aren't, or what you "should" be and "shouldn't" be. Identity is one of the most valuable qualities that we have as humans, and it's something that evolves throughout life.

I think that bringing into question and considering things like BPD, ADHD, and gender dysphoria, does not make you wrong or less valid than anyone else, because they're not "bad" qualities, it's you wanting to understand yourself and become the best version of yourself by wishing to turn it all into strength! If you do decide to seek counseling or medication, make sure it's something that's on your terms and you genuinely feel would make a positive difference in your life, no matter what anyone says. This concerns you entirely and you're the master of your own personal affairs!

Adhd is one thing, but I know how people see people with BPD. And I mean, what if thats why I’m a communist? If I was normal would I be something else?

Screw "normal", and screw stigma and bigotry. This is exactly what we as communists need to do away with! Let me just say this: Were Marx and Engels normal? Was Lenin normal? Was Stalin normal? Was Mao normal? Were Fidel and Che normal? Was Thomas Sankara normal? Was Ho Chi Minh normal? Was Amílcar Cabral normal? Was Muammar Gadaffi normal? Was Patrice Lumumba normal? ..and countless others

Nope, they were not normal. They were like us, people who saw the contradictions, people who didn't want to be caged in, revolutionary figures spat on by the same people who want to convince you that you are "wrong" for not fitting into their false "neurotypical" category or any other dogma. Yet history absolved them because they were following their inner convictions and principles, unbent by any reactionary force. "Normal" people are not the ones who find genuine self-fulfillment on their own, "normal" people are not the ones who build a better world. It's no different from figuring out who you are.

Wish you the best, seriously!

Humans are communal. Pack animals. So it feels so alienating to have traits people hate. That's probably why I became a communist too. And at times I feel like I'm trying to fight for people who hate me. Is that what I'm supposed to tell LGBT people at Burkina, for example? To fight for people who legally persecute them? It's the right call, the enemy is the west. But it's demoralizing when the good guys hate you, makes you feel like education and acceptance is a long ways away. I'm also trans and I think I have ADHD and BPD as well. And I'm never sure if I could even hold a job. Makes me feel I was born way too early, like I belong in the future. Maybe ask yourself, do you have friends here? Are you friends with those who similarly struggle with BPD? Perhaps you would never have met them if not for that. It's a fucked up thing to think about, oppression bringing people together who would otherwise never meet, whose reason for meeting is dependant on oppression that should never have happened. Like how many good people are descended from bad parents or from genociders. We're all byproducts of bad shit. But we're here, in this time and place. I'm happy I have my friends and can look at the world from the perspective of the "useless trash".

If it helps, McKay et al's DBT workbook:

https://morethantherapy.org/assets/files/The-DBTTherapySkillsWorkbook.pdf

Healing is a long, lonely road; but better alone for a time, then well, than denial and irreparable schismed self and life. Best to you, my friend. 🫶🫂