witchesvspatriarchy

Hello!

I'm (30m) going on a date tomorrow, which I am excited about, but also very anxious about. I've had a horrible pattern of failed relationships for various reasons. Some ended ugly, some ended civil, some ended and we still get together as friends. Still, my heart feels congested and bruised after so many heartbreaks. I feel broken and poisoned and ruined.

I don't consider myself a witch, and I don't usually think of myself as especially spiritual, but yesterday I felt especially nervous about a future relationship. Am I ready? Will I hurt them? Will they hurt me? Will I pass up the opportunity to find love with the kindest, softest, cutest, happiest person I've met? I thought about how I felt after the 20 years of me falling for people, and all that I've been through.

My friend who is a witch gave me some sage a while ago, so I decided to light the sage and walk in a circle in my apartment. I was improvising, but thought maybe I could do SOMETHING. ANYTHING.

I said the name of all of my exes out loud, with long pauses in between for me to reflect on the relationship, how I felt in the beginning, the middle, and the end of each one. Some I felt warmth remembering how kind they were to me. Some I felt gratitude to what they taught me. Some I cried because of the guilt of how I left them. Some I cried because of the memory of how they left me. The ones who were especially impactful I gave a full 10 minutes of silence and reflection. I said all the names of my partners going back to the initial most innocent "relationship" I had in 4th grade. I felt some relief, and felt better about my date as I was going into it without as much of the baggage that held me down before.

What are your thoughts? I really don't know what I'm doing but I know I want to stop feeling the guilt and sadness of the people I loved. I am so lucky to have loved so many people, but also feel like I need to let go.