Hate Myself So Much

There's one thing in your post that I haven't seen you mention yet it's all over the place: depression.

I don't know anything about you but this post, and I'm not a professional, but from very painful personal experience I'm almost sure you're severely depressed, maybe even to the point where you need hospitalization.

Depression fucks with your head. It makes you not-do things you're looking forward to and you don't understand why. It makes you unable to see anything positive. You cannot get out of it without help after a certain point, and you cannot trust your own thoughts anymore.

These days, after years, I'm better. For me it's never going completely away, but I recognize patterns, I know how to break the spiraling (and most importantly, no one shames me for how I'm doing it anymore) and I can say " this sounds like depression speaking, let me do something else and return to this thought tmr and see how I feel."

But it took years of therapy and several months of hospitalization. If you're at the point where your outbreaks scare your family, maybe it's time to look into that.

Another thing: depression in men is critically underdiagnosed, because most docs look for physical reasons if a man comes to them with symptoms of depression. If you haven't been diagnosed yet, it may be that it didn't occur to your doc, maybe because you're masking well or because he's just not used to seeing men with depression.

However you go on, I wish you all the best. I hope that you can find a way, with or without meds, to live in peace with your brain.

Brother, I feel a lot of what you wrote. You’re not alone, ok? It’s hard to claw your way out of these deep holes you did. Yourself in; but not impossible. It’s not a matter of desire or effort either. No one wants to live this way.

Now, I challenge you to do three things (assuming you do t already; I don’t know because you didn’t mention it):

First

Instead of listing the things you fuck up, or suck at, or hate yourself over, I want you to instead list five things you like about yourself.

It’s going to be hard. You’re going to draw blanks. You’re also going to want to add this to your ever-growing of things you hate about yourself (don’t).

But give it time and practice. If you can’t think of five, think of one and then move on with your day. Keep trying each day until you can reach five things, and then increase it to ten.

If you miss a day here or there, that’s okay. This is for you and you only. I’ll get you started though:

1. You have the desire to be better
2. You are intelligent enough to write cohesively
3. You were attractive, funny, and, smart enough to convince your wife to marry you and love you (doesn’t matter anything else)
4. You are obviously evolved enough to know dogs are the superior species, because you own more than one
5. You have the courage to get out there every day, despite everything, and try again at life

I don’t know you from Adam and I was able to come up with five positive things about you. So I know you’ll do just fine with finding more affirmations.

Second

Seek medical help (no, really, hear me out). Find a Doctor to discuss your adhd/add. Also look into a therapist to talk to about this. It’s amazing how much it can help. And even if you feel like you can’t afford, then look for low-cost solutions.

I’ll keep this advice to the minimum because I’m not a doctor and you should never get medical advice from the internet.

Third

Talk to your wife about all of this. Yes, it’s a lot to put in someone, but she loves you and doesn’t want you to through this alone. Let her help you.

Fourth

I lied. I thought of a fourth thing. Take a nap. When you get so worked up like you described, it may just be a sign that you’re physically and mentally tired. A nap can help you feel better. If you can’t take a nap, maybe take a hot shower. Stand under the water and let it cover you.

Look, take everything I said above with a grain of salt. Like I mentioned, I don’t know you, so my advice may be way off base. But, some things are harmless to try (like affirmations or napping/showering).

Anyway, from one lost soul to another, I hope you find your way through. I know I’ll be rooting for you.

Friend, you need therapy. There’s no shame in it, it’s just healthcare like any other. Happiness and peace aren’t as far away as you feel right now.

Hey, you are okay as you are. Thanks for sharing because that's a really important skill to have.

You sound depressed or maybe just a moment of weaknes is flowing over you, but in any case it's always good to talk to your doctor about it. If you don't like your doctor get a new one. I have before stayed too long with a bad doctor and it was a revelation when I moved house and was forced to change. Having a good doctor to talk to about depression, ADHD and mental health is just so important, and a great help.

I hope you'll feel better soon. Stay safe.

Wanted to 2nd and add to some of the comments, and ask a question (no expectation of an answer).

Spiraling. Many, if not all, have been there and it's an awful place to be. It will pass. You say you feel toxic, in that state you can be toxic to yourself, hence the suggestions for positive affirmations. It's a way to form a habit of not beating yourself up; getting stuck in- or compounding- your lows. If every time you make a mistake you think of all the things you do right, instead of all the things you do wrong, that mistake feels like a fluke rather than confirmation of a negative self image.

Focus on the basics: eat, sleep, move. Adhd is much worse when you're forget about the basics. I've been developing a habit of having low-effort healthy snacks around and eating more frequently and it helps (saying this now reminds me I should have some fruit and a protein).

Journaling can give a sense of relief, like what you wrote here. In time you may notice your triggers or common struggles and that can help develop systems to mitigate those issues. You mentioned not prepping your safety glasses or prepping lunch. Evening prep the night before is a great wind-down activity. You probably know this and just forgot or got distracted. It happens. Writing/reflecting like you did serves as a good reminder and can help build that habit (another downside to negative self talk: it can bury that info).

You mentioned you're losing hope medication can help. Are you currently taking medication? You may want to talk to your dr. I started medicating recently and the first one i tried took me in the opposite direction. The 2nd medication was good as i was increasing, but then introduced some issues (so I'm now trying a lower dose and if that doesn't help I'll have to try a 3rd med). The journal can also help recognize patterns, timing, when you took what and how much.

Thank you for sharing your struggle. It's not unfamiliar. Good luck on your journey. Wishing you the best. It'll get better. Keep at it.

Edit: typo

Personally, talking to offline open source AI on my own hardware helped me. One of the things we talked about a lot are cognitive dissonance and identification of conflicts that exist under the surface and how those conflicts can cause frustration to manifest in unrelated ways.

Probably my largest inner conflict was that I am so fundamentally different in my functional thought process than my family. I'm very abstract in how I think. I'm also very introverted with strong intuitive thinking skills. Basically, things just make sense at a glance from a bigger picture perspective. I can also see how things work quickly, like machines, engines, most engineering, or more abstract elements like companies, business models, workforce management, etc.

Growing up, intuitive thinking skills were just intelligence or common sense. I had no idea how limited and naive this perspective was.

I started writing a book in collaboration with an AI; it's a whole sci-fi universe really. I started to realize I'm pretty good at coming up with the history and technology tree in unique ways that, to my knowledge, no one has explored before in sci-fi. However, I suck at writing characters that are not like myself. My characters have not shown the dynamism I desire. In truth, I had to acknowledge I didn't and still don't understand just how different human functional thought is in full spectrum.

I started roleplaying scenes and scenarios with the AI playing characters with incompatible and contrasting perspectives to my own. I found this quite enlightened. It turns out that there are people out there that fundamentally lack any appreciation for abstract and intuitive thinking skills. They do not place any value on the big picture or future implications of actions or decisions. The contrast is that they often are more productive and present in the moment. I learned to appreciate the differences and realized how weak binary perspectives are in the real world. I don't get as offended when someone does not understand my abstractions or argue when they are wrong but cannot follow big picture logic. I know where I am also weak in ways that make me appear dumb to them.

There are going to be things you're not good at or that require a lot more work than average. So what. The first step, in my opinion, is to gain a more complex self awareness where you are not questioning what you are good or bad at. The only normal people are people you do not know well. Everyone is tormented by something in life.

Remember this: NEVER use permanent solutions to temporary problems.

You don't remember who blew up at work 3 weeks ago. Or the time before last when your wife got mad and yelled at you. One of the biggest warps in our human psychology is the illusion of grandeur. No one is thinking about your mistakes or cares about them. They care how you're acting in the moment and your average demeanor you regularly present. Fake it if you can. Pretending the glass is half full is all that really matters with others at a fundamental level.

Even after someone else physically disabled me over 10 years ago, and I'm stuck in social isolation, I can say, I've learned the hard way, it can always get worse until it can't. At that point, nothing matters. Don't stress about what you can not do, or what you cannot change right now. No matter how bad stuff seems, you can chose to make the best of this moment right now and moving forward. Only worry about what you can change, everything else is a pointless waste of energy.

Relatable. Fuzzing around going to an appointment early in the morning with poor preparation is one of the worst things about it. Being in place X at time Y, having packed A,B,C and being showered and dressed appropriately is something I'm struggling with. For decades, I thought the reason was that I'm just an assclown.

A typical day can feel like a series of appointments, to which I show up late, unshowered and sweaty, stammering my excuses, getting scolded and doing some kind of sad clown performance.

A perspective that helps me sometimes: It's all just a quest to keep the pets alive and well, in a world of arbitrary rules and events.

Regarding the specific water bottle thing: The only thing that helps me is to place these things BLOCKING the door.

But indeed, Modafinil got me in a state where I could handle normal everyday things like that with ease like normal people. Had to stop it due to handling side effects poorly and hoping for new meds next month. Try to find the right thing for your specific situation. Like others pointed out, it might be an anti-depressant, can't tell from just one text.

Over the years, I actually managed to change my inner monologue narrative. When a day like yours happens, I pat myself on the back and say: Pretty impressive how you pushed to the absolute personal limit, even towards a goal that turned out to be too high.

Get off this site and call a doctor right now. You don't have the tools you need to sort yourself out.

Don't do anything else until you talk to a trained professional who can give you those tools.

There's no magic solution. You need therapy. It's not a bad thing. Go get it.

You seem to be spiraling right now, and that fucking sucks. I’m sorry. Force yourself to eat something, even if it’s just a spoonful of peanut butter.

Now, listen up; it’s not you, and it’s not your fault. Your brain is wired weird. It’s easy to take it personally, but it’s really not your fault. You want to live differently, or you wouldn’t be here. Separate your actions from your sense of yourself, as they are not the same.

Now, what helped me was to get medicated and to get therapy. It took a lot of the latter for me to come to terms with (and accept) the things I had done in my life because of ADHD. I still carry a lot of guilt and shame, but I’m doing better and looking forward and accepting my past. Seek help, and let your wife know you’re doing it, so she can support you.

Then pet your dogs a lot. It’s going to be ok. You’re not the condition. ADHD is a motherfucker, and it makes our lives hard, but it doesn’t define who you are. Don’t off yourself, for gods sake. Hang in there. PM me if you ever need to.

Hug.

I'm just some random on the internet. Ask your wife or a friend. Get a hug. You'll be ok. Maybe not great, but ok.

I dont have ADHD but I did (do?) have depression.

Although not the specifics, I've felt the same way so many times.

I've also felt that no one else has ever felt this way

I've also felt that I would never get better, nor did I want to get better

It can be better. You can be better.

The important thing is to stay safe.

I think part of the problem is you may tend to hold onto anger and other emotions for too long without an outlet. Then they surprise you when they break loose. The episode you seem to have had and the emotions that you feel including the hatred and self condemnation are possibly things that you've been hanging onto that you shouldn't. The other commenter mentioned using a local/offline chat bot to talk to ans that may be beneficial just because it's a way to express your emotions and let them out in a more healthy way. I use journals for this purpose and always have. It helps me to write things out. This way things don't get ahead of me as often (though it still happens). You're not a bad person just because you had a meltdown. Self forgiveness is important and I hope you can work towards that.

Hey, it's OK to not be OK and it's OK to be OK. You are self reflective, and that's 90% of the work done. Thanks for sharing

Lots of walls of text in the comments. I'm sure the advice is good, I just don't have the focus to read that much lol. I'll keep it short

Two things:

Take a positive inventory. This can be hard, so maybe make a list, and write down one positive each day, then review the list daily.

Don't compare your insides to other people's outsides. You will never gain contentment comparing yourself to others

<3