What's your houses equivalent of a poop knife.

We've got a frog tong. Every time a frog gets in the house catch it with a tong and toss it in the garden.

Well, if it counts, we have a homemade potato grating machine from the Soviet times my grandfather has made because he was a genius and partly because of Soviet Union. It draws a lot of energy, emits a lot of noise (seriously). To turn on, it has two buttons, one for capacitor or something, another for the motor itself and, nowadays, I have no clue which one I should turn on first, left or right... It stands on three legs and weighs around 10 kg (old transformers were heavy). It produces good results, though, despite looking odd.

We have a pvc pipe cutter that is used to cut up frozen small animals, like quail and mice, for our raptors. It works really, really well.

Yoga swing.

Anytime an adult asks what it is and I explain. They always - always always - assume its a sex swing.

Which, admittedly it could very well be if the wife wasn't so damn unwilling.

We have a fork specifically for cat food. It’s different from all our other forks (we bought it separately) and it’s used exclusively for ‘mashing’ and dividing wet cat food.

We love our cats and we love to give them the food they like but wet cat food is disgusting and we’d rather not risk ‘cross contamination’.

EDIT: I know contamination isn’t t actually a thing but keeping a separate cat fork is a victimless crime ok?

My family has rules and positions we vote on. We're all adults out of the parents' house. We collaborate on a lot of projects and travel together in different combinations; the rules, or guidelines really, make us more efficient.

I am often travel coordinator for joint trips. Someone else handles food coordination specifically. The youngest calls meetings, usually on a quarterly to yearly cadence, and publishes the meeting notes to a shared cloud drive. Another is in charge of coordinating a Christmas gift exchange. We've rotated being financial and medical backup/adviser to the parents and those roles also comes with responsibility to update the other siblings on major changes.

I have an internet pencil.

Getting reliable internet through the house while renting crappy houses means I end up using ethernet over power bricks.

Every couple of months they will fail and need to be power cycled but the switches on the power point are occluded by the EoP brick without enough room for my fat fingers.

I would just grab any pen or pencil to use as my switch flicking tool but they are constantly purloined by my children so I keep a special internet pencil on my desk.

The toaster bottle opener.

A metal combination bottle opener/can tapper which is kept by the toaster oven and used to pull the hot rack out to get your food.

My parents' old place had the bat towels and the bat box.

Bats would hang out in our garden eating bugs and such. But they'd sometimes get confused, flop into the house, and get stuck. We live in a third world country, there isn't some organization we can call to properly care for the bats, but we're not stupid and we know that handling a wild animal is bad for us and the critter.

So. Old beat up towels. Toss one on the floor next to the crawling bat. It'll cling to it. Lift the towel from a distance. Gently drop it in the box. Put the box next to a tree. Bat will find the tree and find its way home.

I'm so confused by the poop knife. What in the hell is a poop knife?! WHY?!

My family is NORMAL and we have NORMAL things in the house!!! WHAT THE FUCK IS A POOP KNIFE OR THE FUCKING FROG TONGS YOU PEOPLE ARE INSANE

My grandfather used to run a fauna park with kookaburras. We had a meat grinder, like what’s used to make filling for pies and pasties, which was used to grind up baby chickens and mice into a paste for the kookaburras.

They also had a meat grind to use for pies and pasties so I hope they never mixed the two.

I have a tongue scraper that I keep in the shower. It is used exclusively for scraping dead skin from my heels.

It is not this but it does look like this.

back then, we all thought they were our normal breakfast spoons until we accidentally found photos of our roommates abusing them as sex toys

I have poop-tongs. I live on a boat and my dog poops on the deck, so I throw them off by using poop tongs. I keep them separate from where I have my grill accessories.

We have a pair of tongs for fishing out stones that our youngest son (2) throws down an outside drain.

I'm just finding out now that we had a poop knife...

A snake poop knife, for the stuck snake poop in the snake box.

I have nothing else to say about it.

At my parents' house, the shower bucket. At my house, the kitchen jug.

The water heater is at the other end of their house from the bathroom. My water heater is in the middle of the house, the kitchen is on the end. It takes awhile for hot water to reach their shower/my kitchen sink and dishwasher. So, in order to not just waste that clean if cold water by running it down the drain, we catch it and use it for something. I use it to water my vegetable garden.

Basically I fill my watering can from the cold water that comes out of the hot tap before I start my dishwasher.

Probably have a ton of unusual/unique items, being a magician and juggler, but the one that comes to mind is our dedicated BBQ bellows.

This is simply an old re-purposed balloon pump and lives outside next to the fireplace. Best way to get the fire going, portable, cheap.. Beats blowing with your mouth/waving newspaper hands down.

A mop in the hallway because my dumb but lovable doggo can't take a sip without spilling most of the water onto the floor

We have fully furnished poop cutlery

my youngest brother had a lazy stick. It was a broom handle and a ruler taped together with a couple of chop sticks mixed in to help hold the two together. To avoid getting out of bed, he fashioned this up to turn off the lights in his room. Inspired by Homers broom in the episode of the Simpsons where he gains a ton of weight to go on disability.

This stick did the trick and even could turn the tv on and off.

Twenty years later, my brother is currently on a diet and losing a lot of weight. All the weight is post stick and much later in life, but we have a laugh about it every now and again.

Please say this isn't normal.

I recently discovered my father was unclogging toilets for god knows how long with the toilet brush. Like stabbing and twisting. Better than a plunger he says.

Pickle fork

Drywall patching spade that is a stain scraper.

Many years ago, I lived with two slobs. They often left dried food on the counters, floors, and other flat surfaces (like the stove top or floor of the oven). In addition, one of them fed their dog with human food that gave it the shits, and was not attentive towards talking the dog out to poop. So the floor would have clay-like puddles of drying dog diarrhea. This scraper was used to deal with the dollop of whatever organic matter was dried onto the counter, floor, or otherwise. Then washed in the next dishwasher cycle.

"But you'll scratch the [surface material]!!!"

I don't care. My house, my problem. Clean up after yourself, for fucks sake. Plus, I was always wiping down the counter with cleansers, so any cross contamination was not a concern. I am a voracious cleaner.

Those slobs have left, the dog passed away, and the dogs my wife and I have now are mostly housebroken and don't have diarrhea. The scraper only rarely gets used these days. When she moved it, I had to explain to her what it was, though.

Toeknife

We have a felony stick...I'd tell you what it's for, but for obvious reasons.... 🤫

Pellet pole for my pellet smoker. It's a 4ft long reflective marker (for marking edge of driveway when it snows) that I use to push the wood pellets to the middle of the pellet storage hopper towards the auger at the bottom.

I have a fetch ladle and a coal spoon. My dog lives for fetch but always sets the ball next to my feet. If I'm sitting on the back porch I don't want to keep bending forward so I have a ladle that's perfect for scooping up a tennis ball and throwing it. I also have a slotted spoon that I use to grab unburnt coal out of my grill before dumping the ashes. Both of these utensils just hang from my grill.

We had an "automobile hairdryer." On school mornings after I took a shower and was being driven to school, I would lean my head up towards the dashboard and have the A/C blowing full blast to finish drying my hair. I would do this every morning in elementary school. Probably not very safe now that I think back on it.

We have the expression "look to the freshness of the shit you eat" in our native tongue. Its used to express disbelief at a situation. As far as I know, only our family has it.

In my kitchen I have a drawer full of salt next to the gas. Pretty convenient! It's also divided in 2 sections with coarse and fine salt.

Christmas Tree knife

I have a few of these.

Most fitting of these is a tabo. No need for a bidet when water just needs motion. The last time a stranger saw it, they were a child who I had to stop from drinking from it.

A Wii U. The most underrated console of all time because it was only successful enough to make a dozen games on it, yet here I am using it everyday. Hijackers never gonna seize a Wii U.

A hammock. People will always ask me why I have one just lying around in the home, but the truth is at times it's more comfortable than a bed.

A garage. You might be thinking "that's not so bad", that is, until you learn I don't drive (or rather I took lessons but was like nope) and wouldn't put a vehicle in there anyways (add to that I witnessed a house catch on fire because a car caught fire because of badly mass produced batteries). It's mostly for other peoples' vehicles, but it's only been used for a handful of nights. For the majority of the time, it's for storage, especially as it has a second attic.

The biggest poop knife equivalent of all though? A Lemmy account. People discover my Lemmy account from DeviantArt (when they finally decide to look up the username) and they ask "what do you do on there when you got Reddit too". And to them I say this. But seriously, one does not hold the world record for the most websites having signed up for (provable but it takes a long time) and not expand one's horizons.

I have a under bed retrieving stick. My bed has a gap close to the wall, so object sometime fall in. Since the bed is to heavy to be easily moved. I leave a retriving stick. I could upgrade to a hook. But I like the challenge of using a stick.

Bucket in the shower to collect run-off water for flushing? Thought it was standard until I learned people don't even bother turning the faucet off when brushing their teeth.

Permanently Deleted

Wife and I have since established the crotch blanket (tm). It's really just a flat sheet, but we each have our own and take them even when we travel. Keeps your legs and bits from sticking in the heat, and crumpled correctly it supports your knees while you sleep.

Not that weird as an idea, but wish we would have settled on something better than "crotch blanket".