Bay Area @lemmy.world

2y ago

Meanwhile, on Oakland's Nextdoor

109 comments

So, is Satan so busy that he only gets to fuck once a year? Or is Halloween the one day of the year he's not practicing safe sex?
I never thought about this before, but it seems somehow important.
- Also, "his bride"? Not his wife or girlfriend? Does he get married to a new person every year?
  
  This whole situation feels too oddly wholesome for these people to be so upset. Straight? Check. Married? Check. Planned and wanted pregnancy from someone with a lot of power? Check! The father is the literal devil? Fuck that, apparently! Get out of here, you model-citizen demon!
  Also, to whomever wrote that note: I'm glad y'all don't like walking in front of my house. You're literally the worse. I'd rather hang out with Satan and his bride than you judgmental prudes.
  
  Maybe it's a "bride of Frankenstein" thing. More of a title than anything.
  Though this is the devil they're talking about. Satan could be getting divorced every year and remarrying, or just straight up adding a new "sister-wife" annually.
  I legit have not thought this much about real world religion in years.
  
  Why would satan bother getting married at all?
  
  I find it hard to believe that Satan doesn't live in sin with his gf.
  
  Maybe she dies in childbirth
  
  So Satan has a harem of girls

You kind of HAVE TO have a Satan and bride honeymoon theme now don't you?
- oh I would have upside down crosses all over my yard. I would up the horror game so much that they would sue me.

One year I had a house party with around 80 people. The church across the street (uphill) called the cops on me - twice. So on Halloween I burned a pentagram into my front lawn with a cleaning agent iirc(?) for them to gaze down upon for the next two months until it snowed. They never bothered me again after that. It's good to set boundaries.

I'd have that framed and hang it up every year as a badge of honor. This person won Halloween 👏👏👏

I am a very concerned resident regarding your horrifying and demonic array every Halloween.
This is not a happy time of year.
In fact it is the time when Satan Impregnates his bride.
you need to consider what you are doing as it is affecting many of the neighbours in this area.
Some of us dread walking by your house
- For anyone who wants to use this as a copypasta

I’m so sick of all religions
- Does that include Buddhism? If so why?
  
  Does that include Buddhism?
  Yes.
  If so why?
  Have you read what is happening in Myanmar?
  Becasue every religion has been used as a tool of oppression, including Buddhism.

"Satan impregnates his bride" is a new one. I hope the pregnancy goes well for them lol
- Especially, as the sender is most likely anti-abortion.
- lol that got me too . like.. I'm pretty sure you made that up

I'd adapt the decorations to include an unholy marriage theme.

In what fictional D-list movie universe do they live in where satan impregnates a bride on Halloween?
- Also I thought Satan was evil.. wouldnt it make more sense for him to impregnate someone who isn't his bride, perhaps even through non consensual means?
  If you're going to be the face of evil might as well do the sin part properly.
  
  Right? At least make it sex before marriage!
- Every year. How many anti-Christs are there at this point?
  
  Well obviously Satan gets an abortion every time
- The irony is it probably stems from some pagan belief and has nothing to do with Christianity.
  
  Halloween is not a fertility festival, it is a fall harvest festival. Like Oktoberfest.
  The fertility festival is in Spring, and it's called May Day.
  
  I'm familiar with paganism, that doesn't make sense either

Satan is married?
- https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-9BiQJCPrxR4/UHixnWxmBYI/AAAAAAAAFMU/Y4mOkVqElBU/s1600/FarSideDevilButthead.jpg

If I got a letter like this I would put up a decoration of a big foam Satan "hugging" his bride. Since it's not technically obscene they can't remove it without banning all religious imagery in the area, win:win. I might even keep it up permanently.

What's this about Satan's bride?
- I dunno but it sounds kinky
  
  Hey they're married and it's for reproductive purposes! That's almost as Catholic as a priest and a choirboy!
  
  she must be a very lucky woman

My eyes just rolled so hard I think I need to schedule an appointment with my optometrist.
- Eyes rolling back into your head is probably just regular ol Satan possession.
  Super normal in October.
  
  Especially normal if you’re Satan’s bride.

What a fucking fruitcake

Laminate it and add it as a decoration.
- I think it would work better with one of those laser decoration projectors everyone's got these days. Hang a sheet on the garage door and make it huge so you can read it while driving by. Add an animation of blood dripping down the edges. Or Satan rawdogging his bride, whichever.

In high school I had a friend who lived with his Grandma and she was pretty much out of it all the time...
Every year for Christmas he would put a giant pentagram in Christmas lights on her street facing roof.
They got letters like this too but she was old and frail and didn't really give a shit what that kid did as long as he didn't kill her or burn her house down.
She would also buy him booze and cigarettes whenever he demanded it at 14ish years old.
- Jesus christ that got bleak
  
  You think that was bleak, eh?
  The friend had a VERY generic name and I have no idea what's become of him since it's been 25ish years now since I've spoken to him or anyone in his family (or been able to find them even for that matter).
  As far as I know none of our mutual friends have had any contact or more info than that either.
- Also, we sometimes would have appeared to have been trying to burn her house down
  I'm talking aerosol hair spray and lighters... On carpet and mirrors...
  We were reckless as fuck

Those must be some bitchin decorations.

I would buy so many more decorations and put them up. I would even start the first week of September just for shits and giggles
- Demonic nativity scene
  
  This is the impregnation. The birth happens nine months later, so that'd be the end of July.
  checks to find out what happens on July 31
  https://nationaltoday.com/july-holidays/
  Harry Potter's Birthday – July 31
  Uh oh.
  https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Religious_debates_over_the_Harry_Potter_series
  Religious debates over the Harry Potter series of books by J. K. Rowling are based on claims that the novels contain occult or Satanic subtexts.
  Clearly we were warned and disregarded the obvious signs.
- Bet you could find a blow up Satan and a blow up goth lookin chick and arrange them so it looks like they're boning
- Find all the good things about Satan and include that information
  It'll really pass them off
  
  I have no special regard for Satan; but I can at least claim that I have no prejudice against him. It may even be that I lean a little his way, on account of his not having a fair show. All religions issue bibles against him, and say the most injurious things about him, but we never hear his side. We have none but evidence for the prosecution and yet we have rendered the verdict. To my mind, this is irregular. It is un-English. It is un-American; it is French. Without this precedent Dreyfus could not have been condemned. As soon as I can get at the facts I will undertake his rehabilitation myself if I can find an unpolitic publisher. It is a thing we ought to be willing to do for anyone who is under a cloud. We may not pay him reverance, for that would be indiscreet, but we can at least respect his talents. A person who has for untold centuries maintained the imposing position of spiritual head of four-fifths of the human race, and political head of the whole of it, must be granted the possession of executive abilites of the loftiest order. In his large presence the other popes and politicians shrink to midgets for the microscope. I would like to see him. I would rather see him and shake him by the tail than any member of the European concert.

Time to double down!
- Pro tip if you want to go WAY overboard for Halloween. Small local butchers often have spines and weird bones that they discard.
  Ver Brugge in Rockridge hooked my wife and I up for a Dexter themed Halloween party one year.
  
  Ultra-realistic murder mystery
  
  I got a friend who's weirdly into bones. Know anywhere I could get some skulls? I'm in SF
  
  I imagine that's a good way to have a misunderstanding with the police if someone thinks a animal bone is human
- Needs a giant bloody Jesus crucifix horrorshow to really tie it all together

Speak for yourself, I love Spooktober: Oktoberfest beer, pumpkin spice, cozy sweaters, spooky stories and spooky decorations for Halloween... the list goes on.

Nextdoor rage bait is trending

Good spelling, grammar and penmanship.
- also not the worst vocabulary I've seen

Do the xtians really think Satan is straight
- Damn straight. Get behind me Satan

https://www.oaklandca.gov/projects/macro-mobile-assistance-community-responders-of-oakland

I wish I lived next to that guy. Sounds like a fun time.

Halloween decorations are now known as a demonic array

Break out the pentagrams

the irony is whoever this is, forgot or never learned why everyone and everything meant to be scary

When someone is so dumb it extends beyond belief and I wonder if it's just a troll...

eBay: 12ft tall satan lawn ornament eBay: 12ft tall skeleton eBay: 12ft tall brides dress.

Damn our podunk nextdoor is stuck in the past worrying about getting dog poop in the right garbage and curious as to what that sound was...

Love, Rosemary

How you know you did good decorating

Where the fuck does this "the time Satan impregnates his bride" shit come from.
- A lot of these religious zealots tend to straight make shit up, usually about connections to hell/devil/Lucifer. Everything they don't like is somehow connected to Lucifer or Hell. It's usually a control mechanism.
  I once had someone try to tell me that 'lol' meant 'league of Lucifer' as opposed to 'laugh out loud', which is ironically exactly what I did when I heard this.
  
  It's almost like all religious shit is just made up to control people.
  
  If I ever encounter someone making stuff up like that, I want to ask them to back it up with the Bible, because I have a very strong feeling they're going more on gut instinct than scripture.
  I only hear about these kinds of people online, though. Well, except the one time I heard a guy condemning Magic: The Gathering, but he was at least making sensible points about it.

109 comments