If programming languages were weapons. Old but gold.

You can definitely tell how old it is because both Rust and 3D printed guns have gotten way better.

And TypeScript is just the JavaScript sword, but with a cheap leather hilt.

Through long and weary travels,* I bring the gift of source preserved by the workers of the great archives: https://web.archive.org/web/20140831164530/http://bjorn.tipling.com/if-programming-languages-were-weapons

* (they weren't that bad honestly, a kind soul that took the journey 9 years ago made mine much shorter)

C++ and ruby are weird, especially since C is somehow considered a reliable rifle. Rust betrays it's age

Old enough they still know Prolog.

It's a pretty good representation of Rust, being 3d printed means that it's the only gun where you can't shoot yourself in the foot

(?(bruv(,(problem(a(got(you(,(Oi)))))))))

It's funny because people describe PowerShell as powerful, but really they mean it's also a hammer to mash everything with. "Powerfull!"

"perl was probably useful once"?!

I'm willing to bet a TON of medical and banking data is still making its way through perl today. (I'm not necessarily saying this is a good thing, but I have years of experience in healthcare IT).

I spent my career writing COBOL. Sad not to see it on the list. I think it would be a shield you can bash people with; clunky but effective

Python V2/V3??? How old is this thing? Not even Debian comes with Python 2 these days.

Wheres assembly? Lol

LISP is most accurate

This reminds me of shooting yourself in the foot in various programming languages

Yeah, fortunately rust and go married since then

Fuck a bunch of 50000 pixel tall images

Then you have Clojure - a machine gun that shoots shivs.

I feel like python would be an AR-15 or something, generic modern weapon that's easy to use but doesn't really do anything special

Assembly: A gauss rifle, but you have to manually align the magnets

BASIC: 2mm Kolibri

Nim: An AR-15 that you can modify to shoot explosive minigun bullets

Crystal: A halberd with obsidian crystals

Pascal: Trebuchet. A small handful of people know how to make it a truly powerful weapon capable to bringing down any and every opponent.

Python needs an update:

Python would be a Tavor TS12 automatic shotgun with rotating tube magazines. It's heavy, doesn't have a fast fire rate, but it can fire a ridiculous array of ammunition, and they're working on the ability to fire all the barrels at once (GILess)

JavaScript is a foam bat. Easy enough to wield and it'll get the job done, but very inefficiently and it'll be an ugly sight..

still waiting for some of these memes to include haskell...

I wonder what Erlang/Elixir would be, some kind of nano-bot hive mind?

Hey now! PHP may be old and a bit clunky, but it gets shit done. I'd say PHP is the Colt repeating rifle, since PHP won the internet and the Colt won the West. Much like the Colt, there are better tools available today, but if you want stuff done reliably and quickly, PHP and the Colt are good choices.

Definitely ancient since C# has been cross-platform for 4 years with Dotnet Core. If you include Mono, make that 19 years.

Finally, a computer analogy that's not about cars

can confirm. am crazy and dangerous. 🤣

Rust is correct. Mostly ignore as useless, but is the safest and reliable weapon, on a good hands can hit someone hard and kill it.

Since my father makes anywhere from $400-$1200 an hour coding in COBOL, what's COBOL?

That hose got me a company and many good jobs, still loving the hose to build.grrwt projects. I love my PHP

I learned perl to make IRC bots and to customize bulletin boards in the late 90s, early aughts.

I owe a lot to that language as it impressed a woman with my skills in it. I got my first marriage and eldest son out of it.

Nice seeing Mathematica and Lisp mentioned. I feel like Marvin the Martian after reading.

c# is absolutely a laser rifle strapped donkey nothing has ever spoken to me so much b4

ADA is an F-22 Raptor. Effective and functional, but you can't have one.

Way too kind to Java. Otherwise, pretty accurate.

(I just hate Java. Lol. Despite writing it 40 hours a week.)

haha php bad, kill yourself 👌 lolol 💯👌👌😂😂😂

If you're going to make these "If programming languages were X" jokes, at least be a little bit creative with them.

What about FORTRAN?

It's fitting that 3D printed guns have also come a long way.