2y ago

Supportive rule

WholeSomeMemes @lemmy.ml

Supportive boyfriend

1325 100

40 comments

I have been with wife almost thirty years. I wish it had occurred to me to ask this so many times before saying something. So many times.
- I ask my wife and kids if they need someone to help problem solve or just listen. It's been a game changer.
- “Is this the feeling stage” to me feels like, “are you ready to here solutions or are you going to keep complaining?”.
  
  The idea is sound but the wording needs work.

The general rule is that it's ALWAYS the feelings stage unless you're specifically asked for help.

See, I get that this is a thing, but I don't understand why you just want someone to listen. What does sitting here, looking you in the eye and opening my ears, specifically do to make you feel better about the problem you're having?
- Because humans are social creatures, and we like to know that other people understand our pain.
  For example, I might complain that I got a bad review as an actor. What I need is for people to say "Fuck that critic!" and "That really sucks man." not "Have you tried taking classes to get better?" Sure, that's objectively the correct advice but it isn't what even the most logical human wants to hear when they're upset.
  
  Okay this makes sense. I didn't realize that people feel tend to feel better when their pain is understood. Maybe I should give it a try sometime. Thanks for opening up my brain!
  
  Do men do that? I have the feeling it's exclusively women who do this, but the reasoning behind it could be as valid for women as for men. We're all human after all.
- Sometimes, you get so pissed off at something that you really need to vent out your frustration with it to feel better.
  Especially if it's something you can't do anything about.
  
  Alright so I'm getting that letting the steam out unburdens you with the emotions you feel from the problem. Another reply said people feel understood when their pain is known, would you say it's the same feeling here or does it branch off a little bit?
  Sorry I don't really talk or vent a lot in real life so it's something I'm still trying to understand
- Speaking about something often automagically solves the problem, actually. Probably due to self-reflection. For this to work, however, you need to speak it out completely at least once.
- One aspect can be validation. They want another person to affirm that their strong emotions in response to whatever unfortunate event occured are not an overreaction. I think women particularly are criticized for "being too emotional" and can become very self conscious of any emotional response that can be perceived as disproportionate to the event that caused it. So when they tell you about what happened they're looking for how you respond.
  It might be tempting to think, "I'll help them realize how little of a deal this is by showing them how easy the solution is." But that completely invalidates their emotions. They just need someone outside of the situation to objectively say, "yea what happened to you, that sucks. Most people in your situation would feel the way you feel. You're not weird or irrational for feeling this way."
- Lots of good answers so far. From my experience, most people know what the fuck to do or at least they know they have a few options, so they don't need me to tell them how to solve their problem.
  To specifically answer your question... sitting there listening allows you to figure out if the person needs to vent, talk out their options, validation about their reaction, validation for their own solution, social connection, to know they have a support system in you, encouragement, and sometimes, yes, advice or a solution. So to assume it's only a solution they want leaves out a whole host of other possible reasons they might come to you. "I know I just need to send an email, I just wanted to removed about my boss being a bag of dicks".
- Emotions are energy to these plebs and they need a release valve.
  That's literally how they work. They have internal tanks where they store anger, fear, pain, sadness, regret, and those tanks can only hold a limited amount. The release valves require comfort and validation from others to operate so they don't overflow.
  It's why you get all of the idiocy from people who complain, complain, complain about everything from minor inconveniences like food spilling to big political issues they need to act or change their behavior to solve but never do.
  It's because they have no intention of fixing the problem and are too selfish and entitled to. They just want someone to turn the release valve for them so they can continue along their self-destructive path and feel better about it.
  It's disgusting, really.