You get one wish, but the genie always tries to curse it. What do you wish for?

Nothing. I've read enough Monkey's Paw stories to know this is a bad idea.

62

Poof, you now have nothing

35
- That's still a step up for some people
  
  7
We've also got a growing community for these: !monkeyspaw@sopuli.xyz

15
You end up with a genie begging you to make a wish every waking moment of your life, ala "three thousand years of longing"

7
Yep, the worst kind of story. "Be careful what you wish for, because you might get fine print."

Main characters: make wish Monkey's Paw: gives wish and something else Main characters: Oh, the problem was me wanting the reasonable thing, not that I trusted a really shady entity in asking for it! Me: May I leave this planet now?

3
Depends if there is a scientist across the street.

1

I'd get a team of the best lawyers I could find to sit down with the genie and me to hash out a lengthy contract devoiding any intentional curse and put in a hefty monetary incentive for the lawyers to get it right, as well as punishment clauses for breaking it, then wish that the genie had to unwaveringly abide by that contract. That way, if he makes me suffer he has to suffer too or redo my request to my satisfaction.

Then I'd probably write in a steady, better than average and reasonably liveable income without having to work for it for the rest of my natural life.

Pretty sure I saw this concept in an early episode of fairly odd parents.

38

Genies are not considered humans and thus cannot enter into a legal agreement. Courts find your contract null and void and the Genie still gets always with screwing up your wish.

17
- If my wish is for the genie to abide by the contract, then the thing holding him accountable is his own magic, not a human or court. The lawyers aren't there to follow the law, they're there to see that the contract is logistically sound.
  
  If a genie cannot be beholden to his own magic, then there's really no point in expecting any kind of wish to be free of a curse anyway because he's just going to do whatever he wants regardless of what you wish for.
  
  19
I don’t know why people wish for money rather than immortality. Compounding interests baby!

8
- There are far too many ways for an immortality wish to make your life hell in ways that a money wish uh, wishes it could.
  
  13
- Enjoy living to see the heat death of the universe in 10^100 years or so.
  
  9
- Immortality has its own set of complications. Like seeing everyone you love die. Out living the earth, solar system. Being stuck for eternity in the heat death of the universe. I mean, I guess a longer life but not immortal might be desirable. Personally, my only wish would be to live comfortably.
  
  7
“In the way that I hope for, and in the way that I expect” should cover it, I think

7
there is no intentional curse but making you immortal is what the average human wishes for. Genie argues that it's truly a bonus. You live a normal natural life, but instead of dying, you keep living. The money stops, and you live forever. Having to return to work after not working your entire life.

5

I wish the genie is so bad at curses that everyone always enjoys being cursed by them.

34

Granted. You’re now a masochist.

28
- Sure, that works. Curse me harder, daddy. Because of you, I like it.
  
  18
Granted. But you didn't wish anything for yourself so nothing happens to you or for you. The next person to meet the genie enjoys the outcome of their wish.

6

I would wish for a better genie.

33

A genie emerges that's even better at cursing your whish

32
- 12
A genie emerges from the lamp, and promises to try to curse you less

23
- Darn, I thought I nailed that one.
  
  7

Hm, sound like abuse of power to me. I'd wish for the genie to lose the ability to grant wishes. It needs to be cursed though, so I'd have to help with that.

Since it can still offer wishes, just not grant them... I'd help it learn to code. It could have a bright future as the CTO of a tech startup in the next hype cycle. I would not invest.

I wonder how many times this has already happened.

22

Hmm, this gives me a funny idea about a genie that is freed from his lamp, grants the three wishes, then has to figure out what to do now.

So he decides to become a programmer at some FinTech company.

Call it "Cubicle Genie."

3
- Programmer? Nah, programmers have to deliver.
  
  If they have a thousand years of experience promising any wish granted, but no ability to follow through on that promise? They'd be wasted as a programmer. They should be made executive leadership. CTO at least. Maybe CEO.
  
  Although maybe they'd make more by handling investor relations on contract -- e.g. paid a % by seed or Series A investors to handle fundraising in later rounds. Private equity is pretty screwed up these days :(
  
  1

Whatever bad thing happens to me, the same will happen to the genie twice.

I just hope he's not a masochist.

16

Considering the high probability the djinn has spent centuries locked inside a small vessel, completely alone, the chances roll towards harboring sadistic wishes of revenge.

9
- I would want to go in with him to keep him company.
  
  1

The genie's freedom!

13

There must always be a genie, you take his place.

9
The genie is now free to curse you and others without bothering with the wishing part - and does. Constantly.

4
C'mon Muldur, you can wish for anything

3
Genies kill you if you wish for their freedom

2

I wish for the genie to have never existed in the first place.

13

Thanks for the paradox bub.

10
Wow, just make our reality like that huh

3
The genie becomes a phone. You pick it up, it is open on this thread. You become keenly aware that suddenly... the genie never existed.

1

Police to always be lawful good

10

Teen suicide rate multiplies after the police destroy youth culture with constant surveillance.

8
I see at least three catches here, and all of them taken from the basic guide

Good doesn't mean "humane".

Lawful doesn't mean "thoughtful".

A demon that follows an moral code of conduct that is immoral by our standards is still canonically lawlful good by theirs. The nature of a fervorous Paladin is a matter of perspective.

Lawful nor Good mean "non-violent".

I don't need to explain this part. A Paladin is... Sometimes less a matter of perspective.

As an example, in the Movie Rabbit Proof Fence, the villain is a British Guy who falls, by his perspective, Lawfully Good. For reference, the movie starts with him doing a presentation on Eugenics and how he can save the "aboriginal people" through race mixing. Him mandating the two girls kidnapped from their village was entirely lawful. He really thinks he's doing good and he does not at any point play dirty with those close to him to get what he wants. His biggest issue was being born in the wrong place, at the wrong time with the wrong people, with the wrong amount of scrupulosity.

I don't know how, but you probably did more damage here than even some other more aggressive responses. I think you just indirectly turned every government inherently authoritarian, albeit with society still functional. Because the lawmakers everywhere will catch on to how the cops function, and any semblance of progressive thought would soon stop developing.
4

"I wish for whatever I would get if an alternate version of me who were much smarter, kinder, more compassionate, more loving, less selfish, much less short sighted, much more creative and much more prepared to word the perfect wish, WHILE STILL BEING ME with my values, goals, principles and desires were making a wish from an alternate version of YOU who tries to bless wishes, instead of cursing them."

(also, I know how to fuck this one up)

9

Granted. You get nothing. The alternate version of you was kind enough to wish for someone else's health and happiness, and wanted nothing for themself. Also, your curse is to know with certainty that not only are you not this superior version of yourself, but you've proven by your inherently selfish wish that you will never be that person.

10
- The alternate version of you was kind enough to wish for someone else’s health and happiness, and wanted nothing for themself.
  
  That's why I specified "still me, with my goals, values, etc." I KNOW myself and this wouldn't happen.
  
  What WOULD happen is "You get a machine you cannot understand. You spend days / weeks / years trying to get it to do SOMETHING, ANYTHING, but it never does. Then, one day, after wasting countless hours of your life, you get it to turn on and it immediately causes before spinning out of control and tearing itself apart."
  
  2

I wouldn't wish. Shit always goes bad. Best cass scenario I learn a "valuable lesson" through some kinda hackneyed adventure. In the worst case scenario I'm cursed for eternity or some shit

8

Destroy capitalism

I'll be able to handle the curse if capitalism is also destroyed

6

The whole economy is now controled by a single monopolist

12
- No money, so.... someone somehow controls all the barter systems?
  
  Even if that could be the curse, one person only needs one bullet for the rest of their life.
  
  4
Nuclear holocaust

2
- Climate change fixed too? Double deal.
  
  2
- Perfection
  
  1

I wish for a new genie that grants wishes successfully but never tries or succeeds in cursing my wishes.

6

Granted. You didn't specify where, so it exists somewhere within the universe.

15

Good luck. Even twisted, Good fortune is always a boon worth having.

6

Different genie

6

You get a different genie who doesn't grant any wishes.

9

I wish for all of the intentions I have which will positively affect me and others will come to fruition without effort.

4

None of your intentions that benefit you alone (playing a video game, satisfying a food craving) come to fruition anymore. Your other intentions that benefit at least one other person cause maximum harm to others as well. You basically just wished yourself an unending variation of "the monkey's paw"

6
- Damn, broke me with an and/or issue.
  
  5
I like this one

2
- Strangely I've had this shower thought a lot. I've mulled over how I would make my one wish to a genie many times. Which is pretty dumb when I think about it. I could have been reading shampoo bottles!
  
  4

I wish you were made out of cotton candy.

4

It's poisoned cotton candy.

1

Ok so I wish for the worst curse the genie can dish out and then what?

2

The twist is he follows your instructions unaltered

8

I don't wish for anything right away. I bring that damn lamp to the best lawyer I can find and have him draft up a bulletproof wish that goes to extreme lengths to specify exactly what I want and how I want it, while specifically excluding anything contrary to those interests, and has enforcement of my interests built in.

-2

The turkey is a little dry.

1

Another X wishes, X > 1.

-2

You get X cards wishing you a happy birthday. No, they don't have money

3
- You lost me. Could you explain?
  
  I wasn't referring to the app formerly known as Twitter if it helps.
  
  1