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Lemmy Shitpost @lemmy.world

kingpepe8006 @sh.itjust.works

2mo ago

Oh god

145 comments

My husband? Normal day.
- Well looks like u got the best option
- My wife is on my left, it's going to be interesting

- I only have a table to my left... Well this is gonna hurt.
  
  My couch is the only object on my left
- Put The Cat down shane dawson
- I'm assuming that that's the "before" photo
  The "after" would be the same, but with matted fur

I just walked past a parked car as I read that—it's been nice knowing you all

Oh no.
- Is that south park episode again, now i need to rewatch it tonight
  
  This is my chinchilla. Her name is Muffin and she wants to rip the baseboards out from the wall so she can eat them
  
  🎶 Lemmiwinks 🎶

A couch. Is this like one of JD Vance's fantasies? To be fucked by a couch?
- No you've got it mixed up, he's a-pitchin'.
- Same. Even with a LOT of lube I think this is going to sting

Toilet paper? All according to plan
- Same but would be maybe better to not have it go all the way up
  
  I guess he's trying to deep clean the pipes

A 30cm offset serrated bread knife? At least the base is vaguely flared.
- Well, safety first

What a horrible day to be working around mig welding machines.
- Aw man, indeed!
  I'm in the bathroom on the 8th floor of a hospital building, so I figure it's at least some of the wall? Hourly not the whole building though

I'm not putting my cat up my butt, you fucking weirdo.
- You don't do everything a picture on the internet tells you to?

looks at radiator dubiously

Well.. it's a door. At least my ass will be closed for business after that.

A wall?!

It's a car. RIP

My fiance is 5' tall. I'm going to literally explode.
- Don't look up "anal vore"
- Objectifying your fiance is cheating in this game.
- Depends on how you shove him tho.........as long as your fiance is a man
- ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

OK, there's actually a banana to my left, but I already did that today

Poor cat

I now own a Browntooth speaker.

My poor Blåhaj…

A entire bedroom wall

Well shit, I guess I have to re-enact 1 man 1 jar...
- Oh lawd not again
- Nonono... just do us a favour and don't film it. I've been scarred enough for a lifetime.
  
  You think you're scarred? You should see my bu- you know what, I'm not making this joke.

This is rather convenient, as the object to my left is a roll of toilet paper

It's pointing at my finger, so an easy one.
- Now start diddling your diddle Diddlydee

There’s a window, but just outside the window is a tall skinny CACTUS

Of all guitars, why did I choose a ten-string one
- chuckles nervously in double neck

I'm lying on my right side in bed so I guess the ceiling?
- Same, except mine has a fan on it. 🪦
- Same, but lying on my left side, so the mattress?

Hairbrush. It'd fit fine, but it's got rubberized paint that's coming off the handle. :/
- ER has seen worst

I was leaning against this when I opened the post:
- Just be glad it doesn't have needles or thorns.

A towel. Idk how im gonna make this work. Maybe if soaked with enough lube or oil 🤔
- I reckon you could manage a towel with a bit of lube and some sort of stick to help it on its way.
  I believe in you, you've got this.
- Wrap it around a stick and then wrap it with rope like you would do with a turkey and then soak it in coconut oil
  Haven't done it myself yet but sounds like it might work🤷‍♂️
- I believe in you

A double width bus chair
Fuck

I’m at the DMV, a teenaged girl is sitting next to me 😬

Reading this on the toilet, literally it's toilet paper
- Whole roll, though!
  
  One... More... Square...

Not sure how a television is gonna fit, but here we go

It's my wife so I guess it depends on how much of her
- Hurry onward Lindsay Lohan, or you will soon be dead.

Well, my terrier is going up my ass, apparently. Sorry, boy.

a wall

Holy mackerel, it's the house!

Small metal filling cabinet that is wider than I am, death is what I get

a nice soft blanket. not sure how much will fit but I bet when I take it out it'll feel like taking packing out of your sinuses after an infection.
I can BREATHE!

The wall? I wonder how that's gonna work

Water heater 😮‍💨
- At least it'll be warm?

I am currently regretting my choice to sit in the garden. About 20 concrete blocks.

TP
- I'm also in the bathroom, but the TP is on my right and to the left is the shower. No objects that aren't attached to the building. So, that'll be hard.
  
  You can do it, I believe in you.

I have to shove a whole fucking table up there? 😫

Cup.
Uhhhh

A jar. We all know how that ends.

Okay but it doesn’t specify entirely up your ass, just up your ass. So a Bo staff wouldn’t be that bad, it’s smooth at least.
- Right? I had a fresh mug of coffee to the left of me when I read it, feels like the scalding alone would make that worse than a bo staff without even getting into the damage a shattering mug could do.

Its either a large flat screen or CRT that weighs like 70 pounds, I am going to die.

Its just a big ol stuffy, I'll be fine after the surgery.

entire crate of water bottles.

Either my 10in tablet, or my huge ~~ashtray~~ bowl

145 comments