2y ago

The Bible but DnD

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DM: The enemy champion approaches. He is eight feet tall, fully armored, and a seasoned warrior.
David: I select my sling.
DM: Okay, so that does 1d4 bludgeoning damage--
David: Hang on, let me tell you about all my buffs and saved up Holy Favor points...
DM: -___-
- A real sling shoots those pebbles like a bullet. If they hit (a non armored spot), it'd surely do more damage than an arrow.
  
  In the hands of a skilled slinger, they are no joke at all.
  
  There's a badass scene in the book This Immortal where a guy kills another guy with a sling.
- Fury of the Small
- He is actually 9 feet 9 inches tall.

I lost it at "ELISHA YES!"
On a related note, I once read a nice DnD-esque summary of why Jesus was a Lich - that would fit right into this collection. (not my own pic or theory, just something I stole from imgur ... still sorry for the missing pixels)
- Of course. The Holy Grail was a phylactery all along.
  The Romans played right into his hands by crucifying him, the fools.
  
  No.
  "Drink of my blood" "Eat of my body"
  This guy made 12 living phylacteries.

Seriously though, why did Jesus curse that fig tree? He could be weirdly petty.
BTW, myrrh had lots of uses besides embalming.
- I always understood it to be that things exist to be fruitful and multiply. In a sense, a person who does not love, who doesn’t multiply goodness in the world as Jesus modeled, was like the fig tree. Such things could be thought of as cursed, withered and twisted versions of what they could and should be.
  I am not a Bible scholar though lol.
  
  So it could be explained that Jesus is a carpenter but not a gardener, and a gardener just look at Jesus and wondering why the heck an adult would curse a fig tree.
  
  Pretty much, only detail missing is that it was the season for fruit. So, there is an added sense that by all natural laws the tree should have had fruit and it's lack was a particular aberration to a societythat used the fig so much.
  Also, thematically, it rounds out God's domains. Up to this point, there had been miracles showing dominion over weather, matter, human life, animal life, spirits, disease and now there's plant life.
- I saw a guy waving a sign to spread awareness, "God Hates Figs"
  Or something like that
- The understanding I've generally heard, and which seems supported by the context, is that the fig tree symbolises the unfruitfulness of God's people. This is particularly apparent in that both Matthew and Mark record it as happening alongside Jesus casting out people trading in the temple (Luke records the cleansing of the temple but not the fig tree thing). It is then followed by Jesus telling a series of parables against the religious leaders. There may also be a relation to the parable of the barren fig tree earlier on in Luke 13.
- Possibly an extremely contemporary metaphor, where the first-century audience was expected to recognize it as reference to a specific authority figure.
- I too think this story is very confusing. I think it's a metaphor saying something like the time / the people aren't ready for him yet or something
- Makes him more relatable.

What is this, a meme for ants?!
LOL, after I commented it reloaded with higher resolution.

Cute. I'm genuinely unfamiliar with the story of Solomon and the demon. I'd be interested to hear the story behind that.
- Soloman is friends with some guy who had half his pay stolen by a demon and it keeps sucking his thumb. So Soloman is given a ring with a pentagram on it by Michael that can command demons. He commands thumb sucking demon to get Beelzebub and Solomon enslaves him. Now Solomon controls all demons and uses them to build a temple.
  Got that from the wiki page for Testament of Solomon, there's more to it if you're interested.
  
  So he's a warlock, that found the fine print in the contract that fucks over the demon?
  Nice
  
  Just to be clear, that's not in the Bible.
- https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Testament_of_Solomon
- It's not canon, if that helps.
  
  Ah, that’s why I didn’t recognize it. Apocrypha?
- Also recommend the book series Bartimaeus, which makes reference to this story. (it's a Harry potter style series about demons and demon summoners).
  
  I’ll check that out, it sounds rad.

This pic is too pixelated to read it
- Everytime someone posts a really long image it's heavily pixelated, and I thought it was just a me issue.
  Edit: turns out you need to change your ap options to load HQ image. Works now
  
  I recently learned that most of the aps people use for lemmy don't do formatting correctly. The _these _words look like they have a strike through on whichever ap you are using, let the developer know that ~word~ should be subscript, and that ~~word~~ is strike through.
- If you go into the post and open the picture it opens in good quality. There's an issue with previews not loading properly sometimes.
  
  Thanks!
- Get Voyager or equivalent for Android.
- Clicking on the HD option in the top right fixed it for me

Roll athletics to yeet the baby
- And so Jochebed yote the child, and it did go between the uprights; and it was good.

DM means Dios Mío

Ah I was missing r/dankchristianmemes thank you

Argh, I know it’s my app but this is too blurry to read. Looks like fun tho.
- I had to disable this setting:
  Settings shortcut: Media > Zoomable video
  Keep in mind that you also will probably have to back out and reopen the post to get around the cached image
  
  Oddly enough it was blurry if I looked at it from the feed but completely fine when I opened it from the post itself.
  Also running Sync but with that setting enabled.
  
  My god, what a beautiful reply. How did you manage to share a literal button for Sync settings?
  
  I guess I completely misunderstood what that setting means. I turn it off and I can zoom and read the image. Turn it on and it's rubbish.
  
  Boost for lemmy has an HD button that worked I could read it with that
  
  Hero
  
  Worked for me immediately, thanks
- Mine too. Open in browser https://startrek.website/pictrs/image/ce3c437f-0c97-4093-9ad0-68d5addbb17f.jpeg
  
  Much appreciated!
- In settings, altering "max zoom" fixed it for me. Bumped it from x30 to x50 and it became readable.
- It's compressed to fuck-all and back. There is a link further down of an uncompressed one.
- Try voyager. I can read it.
  
  That’s what I’m using, it’s blurry af. I wonder if it cached a low quality version for some reason.

Today I learned that God gave bald people the power to summon bears
- I learned that in first grade Bible class. We were team bear guy.
- Druids man. They are OP, and they are all either too hairy or too lacking in hair, or both.
- So Cocaine is God. Got it.

funniest thing i've seen in a while

TIL that Solomon can summon demon

Can't read half of it :(

DM: After dinner, a group of thugs approach the house and knock on the door. They want to give you a "proper welcome"
Levite: The fuck...
DM: They really fancied your ass.
Levite, getting up to leave the session: You know what? Fuck you. But fuck the guest's daughter first, then the concubine, then you can go fuck yourself, too, you sick fuck, I'm out.
Judges 19, for anyone curious. Shit gets real dark.

Less "you botched your persuasion rolls," more "I set the DC to 50 and we don't do critical skill checks at this table"

I will see you after my excommunication.
I see no blasphemy, but Catholics gonna Catholic I guess.
- I knew a Catholic priests who played EverQuest. Doubt he'd be excommunicated for this.
  Maybe he's baptist or something though? Do they excommunicate?

Such a weird coincidence, I am listening to the Apocalypse Players, A Christmas Inheritance and they referenced 2 Kings 2 23-24. Not even in an off hand manner, it's key plot point in the story.

Oh man these are so fun to read!
I've never played paper and pen DND, any suggestions of YouTube or podcast of people playing in goofy/weird ways, but within the rules?

Mandatory reenactment of the Elisha and bears thing

Jesus used a whip to drive out the merchants in the temple.

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