do you think freewill truly exists?

One of the best relationships I ever had.

This! Silence is so much better than unnecessary and forced talking

Absolutely, but a lot of people don't understand that you can't arrive to that point by not ever "small talking" along the way. Small-talk is how we express to each other how we feel, how we want to be talked to, what we notice around us and so on. It's a critical component to socializing. Conversations between human beings doesn't play out narratively like in media and movies, there's no "point" to conversing with someone you're close to, you're just sharing shit.

Exactly. I can't remember where I heard this - it might have been a podcast like RadioLab or something else - but it was talking about how happily married, intelligent couples talk to each other .

It turns out, it's not usually super deep, intelligent conversations. The vast majority of conversations are just meaningless bullshit. Most of the time, couples aren't even really talking to each other, but they're just kind of thinking aloud. Stupid stuff like, "I swear I saw a dozen blue Volkswagens today."

It turns out that people who are comfortable with each other don't need to have deep conversations all the time. They can just relax, unwind, and be themselves.

The way I understand "Smalltalk" is not whether the subject matter is "serious enough" but rather whether either party actually has any interest in it, or if it is a polite nicety to avoid awkward silence.

Discussing the weather in a car ride with a coworker is smalltalk, contemplating with a friend how one might conquer the world using ant-controlling super powers is not.

Small stuff doesn't really interest me, or my partner.

Doesn't mean we're incapable of discussing dinner plans or cleaning schedules.

When you see its little planty soul waft up to heaven.

I'm interested to know the dynamic that causes two step parents to be together like that. Is it one parent and one step parent or a step parent that remarried and now you have a step step parent?

I like the word "pairents"

I think it's more about your expectation from interactions with strangers. I will tolerate a ton of weather talk from my wife but if the guy taking my order at 5 Guys tries the same thing it's not going to be as well received.

we should go do X

we should stay in and watch a movie and snuggle

That's not small talk, that's planning what to do today. You can open the same conversation with "hey, what do you want to do today?"

People will also say something stupid about the weather or news or whatever just because they want to express to you that they're friendly and open to converse. Ignoring "small talk" from a stranger is like actively rejecting someone's desire to connect. What are they supposed to say if they want to chat? "I AM A HUMAN RECEPTIVE TO CONVERSE, PLEASE TALK TO ME ABOUT GEOPOLITICS"

Which is fine, if you're as antisocial and spiteful against "casual life" like everyone in this post is pretending to be and you love it and you're happy, that's great. Say "just put it in the bag" and get out of there.

The problem is most of these people who act like people talking about "last night's game" are NPC's in the Matrix and they would NEVER stoop to the level of talking about sports or weather... are the same people who will race home to post their manifestos about how lonely they are and how society is crumbling and how they wish they lived somewhere walkable with community and how hard dating is.

Our cognitive dissonance as a species is maxing out.

the point of small talk is to open avenues of conversation

If you're married to someone, all avenues of conversation should be open the minute you've both said hi. If you need to talk about the weather before you decide what to get for dinner, with your spouse, then your marriage is a failure.

You're probably joking, but know that there's a subset of us that gets pathologically anxious and confused by small talk. Autistic people for example. Different folks, different strokes. Not everyone deals well with talking about the weather, and that's ok. There's billions who do deal well with it, and that's ok too! Be a mensch and talk to them instead.

Is talking about your hobbies and interests really small talk? I always attributed small talk to the like of "how is it going? Fine thanks and you? Fine too thanks oh damn crap/great weather we are having huh?"

Why do you think small talk isn't interesting?

because im sad, bitter, and socially inept

Because a great deal of it isn't interesting. I have to listen to all the ancient dudes I sit next too talk about the most innane crap all day long. I don't need that when I get home too.

I would love to walk into my house in silence and just sit down. I'm usually stressed AF when I get home and the last thing I want to do is talk to someone. Unfortunately I rent from a couple of retirees who spend all day camped out in their living room watching TV and it's impossible to enter the house without going through there and having to have a tedious conversation with them about what their dog did today or whatever stupid thing.

That's fair. Sometimes I can be a bit grumpy with randos.

Small talk is the human equivalent to the initialization/handshake phase of the TCP protocol.

It establishes the connection, introduces the speakers, validates the presence of the other, and then allows data transmission to take place.

Unlike computers, we humans require years of practice to get it correct because there isn't one set standard.

I hate small talk, because you (a stranger) do not interest me and I don't care about trying to connect with you. I have neither the need nor the energy to try and am very comfortable just being in silence.

I small talk with people that I interact on a daily basis and need to communicate with (coworkers). Even then it heavily depends on how much energy I have.

I small talk with my friends and SO because I want to connect. So I put effort in to be present in the conversations.

It's not right to lump small talk with a cashier, cab driver or a haircutter together with small talk with a friend or a partner.

Pal you actually sounds like someone who really HATES small talk, Jesus...

through meeting with intent so your talks are not small.

In the case of my grandfather he just went all in on his batshit insane stories, his first one was apparently how he electrocuted his balls. My grandmother avoided him initially, but after she realized he was the charming type of insane she warmed up to him. The fuck were people doing in the 70s?

The free will question is much closer to the conversations I was having with my wife before we got married. We were talking for hours every day, I can't imagine spending hours on small talk.

Fill the void with intercourse.

Try getting married to a dragon, they don't care about small talk

Because that way "I see you as a friend!" lies. At least that's why I'm single.

Well that wasn't really the question. But actually I met her when we were both pretty young so I don't recall it being much of an issue. We probably talked about kid stuff.

I never was good at being subtle.

I just went with forgoing my own self care and losing my sense of self in pursuit of meeting her ever changing expectations instead of acknowledging if come to define myself be the relationship. Not sure which is better..

Not to worry though, the papers are in the mail!

But most people who are invested in small talk will be giving the signals they think the other person wants, making it less useful than not talking at all.

I don't think this is true. When I engage in small talk, I don't see it as me bending flexibly to the conversation partner's wants. I'm testing to see if there are common overlaps that we can talk about, and talking for the sake of being entertained. If the other person turns out not to be a good conversation partner for me in that moment, I don't think anything of just moving on. I'm not trying to please them, I'm trying to enjoy myself.

I can't imagine I'm in the minority here.

Like Shakespeare, adapted by the band Rush, said:

Limelight Available on Moving Pictures Music: Geddy Lee and Alex Lifeson Lyrics: Neil Peart

Living on a lighted stage Approaches the unreal For those who think and feel In touch with some reality Beyond the gilded cage

Cast in this unlikely role, Ill-equipped to act With insufficient tact One must put up barriers To keep oneself intact

Living in the Limelight The universal dream For those who wish to seem

Those who wish to be Must put aside the alienation Get on with the fascination The real relation The underlying theme

Living in a fisheye lens Caught in the camera eye I have no heart to lie I can’t pretend a stranger Is a long-awaited friend

All the world’s indeed a stage And we are merely players Performers and portrayers Each another’s audience Outside the gilded cage

small talk

Personally I think it is a very interesting and purely object oriented name though you are right it technically isn't a functional one.

I think that's still small talk either way tho? The fact that you launch into some part of your day doesn't change that it's gauging your mood on her end. You could just as easily answered: "Snoozefest, how about your day?" or "Nightmarish headache from start to end, hold me". See how these are all logical answers that would (I hope) evoke a different response from your partner?

It doesn't matter. If there is no free will, the illusion is strong enough to make me think that there is.

There is no way of proving if it's chemistry, physics, will of god or actual free will. I feel like I have free will, it doesn't matter what the truth is because the truth cannot break the illusion.

A brain can only make me feel free will and that's all that matters practically.

This seems more like extroverts' misconceptions of how introverts are, rather than an actual issue to me. I don't tend to seek out relationships with highly extroverted people who can't stand the idea of a moment where nobody is saying something, regardless of how inane that thing happens to be. At present, my companion and I have known each other for pushing 15 years, and we're just comfortable being quiet around each other, unless one of us actually has something to say. If one of us actually has something they want to communicate about their day, or some other typical topic for small talk, we're more than capable of talking each others' ears off, we just don't feel any need to run through conversations like:

"How was your day?"

"Good, yours?"

"Also acceptable."

on a regular basis, unless we actually have something we wanted to discuss.

It's also not as though we don't have any hobbies or interests. We've got plenty of shared ones, and enjoy discussing them and planning out future activities, we just tend to do it either solo or together, but without involving large groups. Even for those we don't share, we enjoy discussing them with each other to a certain extent.

There's a huge difference between disliking pointless, socially expected chatter to fill dead air, and having some sort of social anxiety that leaves you unable to sustain regular conversations with others in your life. People who are not introverted just seem to assume that we either wish we could do it, but have some sort of condition that prevents us from being able to do so without it causing us problems, or that we just never learned how to do it properly, and would enjoy it for some reason if they just kept trying to get us to do it more and practice. I'm sure there are people that would apply to, but it's not universal, and many of us would just like to be left in peace, unless you actually have something to say. Sometimes, we even meet others like ourselves, and enjoy our peace together, without the pointless talk that we both know neither is really interested in.

Relevant meme:

"What do you want for dinners next week?" while planning the groceries list is not small talk. What shall we do this weekend. Its not "what is the meaning of life" but it is important still the same. What Kitty just did is also important because we both care about Kitty's well being. There is lots to talk about that is not deep philosophical stuff, but still important.

you've found out what their opinion on free will and almost every other deep conversation you could have with them in the first few years

I met my wife when we were 16-17. We are in our 40s now. It's reasonable to expect that our opinions on such subjects have changed since then.

But there are plenty of subjects to talk about. How is the current environment in the US going to impact our kids' lives going forward? Even if we know each other's general perspectives on life, the universe, and everything, that doesn't mean we can also predict opinions on complex scenarios and situations.

piqued*

There is value in asking the question and in the consideration itself. Even if we never find the answer, it's good for our brains to think about these things. Knowledge, and the search for it, can be an end unto itself. We don't always need to do something with it.

a societal acceptance of the absence of free will removes the burden of guilt

Those cops, judges, lawyers, jail guards etc also don’t have free will, so while maybe the burden of guilt is gone, the legal repercussions still would exist all the same.

A continous nuclear explosion even.

Too bad. I chose for free will to exist, and I'm happy with my decision.

It's been pristine here! Just perfect weather. Sunny and about 75.

I was, as a teenager, a person who hated small talk. Looking back, the big things I wanted to talk about were and are important to me, but I realize that I like listening to people's thinking and let them vibe where they feel heard and happy!

Well see life itself is a burrito. If you don't make sure you have cheese and sour cream, well seasoned proteins, beans the way you like, delicious rice, maybe a bit of salsa and always hot sauce it just isn't fulfilled.

Some people are happy with spicier sarcasm in their lives, others more mild. But if you don't have a good foundation to wrap it all up in it'll fall to pieces.

It's not deep, it's just a burrito

let him in once. talked non-stop for nearly 2 hours. unstable. out. used to be normalish. lost his mind.

a year in the horror dawns upon you
you have trained your partner to engage in small talk to get kissed