Humor @lemmy.world

1mo ago

Surviving the predator

171 comments

Sadako. Her curse takes 7 days to take effect, assuming it's gone once 24 hours are up. Else, Jaws can't get you if you're nowhere close to the sea.
- Else, Jaws can't get you if you're nowhere close to the sea
  Until they release a Jaws/Sharknado crossover.
- Bruce isn't the villain in Jaws; the mayor is.
  
  Same with Batman Forever.
- It says 24 hours of being chased by the villain. That means the timer won't start until they start chasing you.
- Jaws is a spy movie henchman, not a horror movie villain.
  
  That'd be a good Monkey's Paw style answer if James Bond was anywhere near horror. People thinking they can kick back and sleep off a day just to end up with a big guy with metal teeth that can chomp through frigging steel cable busting in their door.
- So theres a lot in the books that never comes up in the film. She can impregnate you and make you give birth to a clone of her.
  
  Well that's got to take longer than 24 hours, surely? Or is the speed of the pregnancy part of the horror? Can she mpreg!?

I wanted to say Freddy, because 24 hours without sleep would be easy-peasy. ...then I realized Im not a teenageer anymore and would probably take a nap anyways.
- This would work with a small investment in hard drugs before hand. Depends on how much prep time and street cred you have.
  
  I’m an old boring dude, but if I got off caffeine for a week before hand, I’d have no trouble stay awake after my second cup that day.
- Yeah it's early afternoon here and I just realized that I someone told me I had to stay awake for the next 24 hours, I wouldn't make it.
  
  Ahh but have you heard about meth?

This made me look up the actual Predator code of Honor and I quote
"Unarmed and/or "innocent" beings may be hunted if they:
undefined

Are the specific objective of a hunt."
Sorry Op, you're still screwed.
Jaws is objectively the best choice anyway. Just drive inland.

The Tyrannosaurus rex from Jurassic Park because first of all, I'm actually pretty sure I'd be fine so long as I can get in my car and drive away at a reasonable pace. Secondly, just think of the absolutely incredible collateral damage. Even if I get killed, it would be one of the most talked-about and confusing incidents in American history for the rest of time.
- Go to Disneyland

Freddy Kruger, as long as I have prep time. Get a good night sleep the night before? Staying awake for 24 hours is pretty trivial. I can get up at 6 one morning and stay up til 6 the next morning. I'm willing to screw my sleep cycle up for a few days in exchange for 3 billion dollars.
- Just meth, honestly.
  
  Freddy Kruger vs Chev Chelios.
  
  What did you spend your billions on?
  More meth obviously

Nosferatu. Because I live in the arctic and it's summer.
- Username checks out.
  In related news, I'd choose Gordon Gekko since his financial misdeeds can't affect me within a day when I'm out plundering England for tie dye 😉
  
  Som en Skotte, jeg føler meg forpliktet å si ifra at England har mye mer hasj enn tie-dye.
- hope no one tells the vampires about sun tan lotion
  
  The first Blade movie actually had the antagonist go out in the sun by using copious amounts of sun screen.
  
  Trust me. As a partial ginger, it doesn't work well enough.

Obviously Freddy Krueger. Just stay awake 24 hours. The really difficulty is when you can't stay awake and you accidentally fall asleep. But I think staying awake 24 hours is pretty easy.
- Yeah, with billions on the line, 24 hours is a cake walk

The thing from "It Follows" goes at a walking pace, I could hop in the car and drive a few hours out of town to spend the day at a nice park.
- Until a car accident and they put you on pain killers and don’t allow you to drive. You gonna end up Stranger Things’d in that hospital bed.
  
  I mean, sure, you could always die of an unrelated accident at any time while you're being chased by a monster. The specific monster hardly matters in that situation.

I'm going with Jaws, and staying home.
- weather alert, there's a tornado on your way...
  hope it doesn't launch a weird franchise

Tucker and Dale. I let them catch up and we have fun fishing, drinking, and joking for 23 hours and 55 minutes.
- Tucker and Dale aren't the villains. Chad is.
  
  They’re both the villains and the victims. Chad was also both villain and victim. All of the students killing themselves in absurd ways, both villains and victims. That was the main joke, from what I understood.
- You're just itchin to kill yourself on thier property, aintcha?
- You'd probably still die somehow
  
  He doomed himself the moment he called them fine fellas the villains.

Prompt says you're being chased but nothing about the quality of the chase. I like the image of the predator being obligated to chase them but feeling kind of ashamed of it so they don't really want to get the kill.
Hunted: 'puff, wheeze Just... gotta... get to the top... of the hill.' Predator: walks calmly up to just behind the hunted and makes a predator noise, then sits to wait for them to scramble the rest of the way up while the predator plays space-solitaire

Millennials would take this challenge & use it to die in the first minute.
- Free euthanasia? Where do I sign up?
  Edit: yes I'll take the upgraded life insurance.
  
  Free and potentially spectacular

The predator does not kill children or pregnant women. Predator 2 showed that. A kid with a toy UZI spotted the predator with his light bending and as a precaution the predator armed his shoulder cannon, but upon sensing it was not a real gun he disarmed it.
Also the subway showed he found a fetus developing in a woman and immediately released her.
- I am neither of those things.
  
  No, but you would be an unarmed helpless guy. Not sporting enough for a predator. Or at least you will fake being helpless! There is no honor in slaughter.
  
  it's not too late to get into mpreg.
  
  Dead
  
  According to another post here, you need to antagonise Sadako first...
- Okay, so be a pregnant child. Got you.
- I've got lots of mud and trees at my place. I'll be just fine.

Chucky just to prove to yall how easy it would be to defeat that doll. Shit, with $3b I'd pay Messi to kick him in a furnace on PPV and probably come out with even more money just off subs alone
- Wasn’t one of his big things that he was supernaturally strong and resilient? It wasn’t just a doll; It was a doll that was possessed by the ghost of a serial killer. So there was some supernatural aspect to it that made it harder to destroy than most people would expect.
  
  If you go by the early versions he is limited by his physical doll-form. He can't fly, teleport, drive, etc. and he's not really that strong, or fast.
  If you knew about him and that he was coming after you, it shouldn't be that difficult.

Fuck Reddit and Fuck Spez.

I'd go with Hopper from A Bug's Life. I'm sure he's a huge threat to Dave Foley and Julia Louse-Dreyfus, but I ain't worried about no grasshopper, even one voiced by Kevin Spacey.
- My garden!

Absolutely a Yautja (Predator). Pretty sure short middle-aged pudgy women who'd curl into a sad ball on the floor when threatened would be the most dishonorable kills ever. He might even be forced to off himself in shame for that lol
- But if they're chasing you for 24 hrs then you may have pissed it off. It wouldn't be for a trophy at that point but just because it doesn't like you, so it's probably going to be more painful.
- Someone else has said that predators can hunt dishonorable prey if they're the specific target of a hunt. I doubt they'd be happy to do it, but I bet they'd still do it.

That one snail that kills you if it touches you

J.K Rowling
- If we're doing irl monsters, Henry Kissinger. Even before he was dead, I could take him.

Specifically chasing for 24 hours... So, any of the antagonists that require planning, or are infirmed ... Or both?
John Kramer, the jigsaw killer. Bitch has terminal brain cancer and is in a wheelchair most of the time. I don't think he could come up with a jigsaw plan, kidnap and execute it in that much time.
- I was also going to say the SAW guy, but for different reasons:
  John only targets people who he knows, who morally disgust him, or people who have personally made his own life considerably worse, or slighted him in some way.
  ...
  If the scenario is... I have to survive 24 hours without being targetted by one of his kidnapping and torture plots...
  Well, I do not have any deep, hidden secrets, I do not deny any part of my past to anyone willing to ask about it, I do not pretend to be something I am not. I have of course made mistakes, but they've never ruined any one's life, and I freely admit and take responsibility for them.
  Frankly, given my considerably traumatic life thus far, and my current status of... being crippled, doing not much beyond PT and lemmyposting all day, untill I finish recovery... and given that I have actually made friends out of actual, diagnosed sociopaths before...
  I really do not think I would be the kind of person John would have any problem with.
  ...
  If the scenario was just poof, both of us appear in a room and are both there for 24 hrs... we just... talk? Trauma bond over our fucked up lives?
  John has, more than once, recruited into his schemes people who... pass his tests, whom he does not find morally abhorent.
  I don't have to agree with him on every single issue, I mostly just have to not be a hypocrite, and not intentionally try to offend or harm him.
  ...
  Oh right, given that I have actually been held captive by a fentanyl addled mad man, for a week, and managed to talk my way into letting me leave... and then stumble over to a nearby firestation and tell them to call the police...
  If I have actually survived a week of a very similar situation, I think I can survive just 24 hrs with a fictional character, who has a much, much more consistent, albeit still fucked up worldview.
  
  Hasn't Jigsaw killed some of them for really stupid reasons, though? I don't remember most of the details, but weren't some of them basically just lazy and a bit dickish?
  Though I'd be willing to chock those up to bad writing more than Jigsaw letting his morals slip, since he makes it very clear in multiple scenes what his intent is.
  
  absolutely insane life story, congrats on being alive tho!

One zombie. I could win against one zombie. With prep time. I think.
- Remember, just one. In my prep time I'll build pit traps.
- the zombie also gets prep time
  
  Ok. How would you say does it prep?
  
  Can it make decoy zombies?
- I dunno', what if it was one boss zombie, or like... uh is it Night of the Living Dead? Where individual zombie parts come back to life, to the point where burning them just spreads zombiejunk all over.
  One zombie of the right type could be a death sentence for the whole planet!
  
  The criteria is that it's a horror villain of your choice. So, I don't know why you'd choose a boss zombie or one of those really bad variants when you could choose one of the zombies from Shawn of the Dead.
  But I'm also not completely sure that a random zombie really counts as a "villain".

Freddie Krueger... Just stay awake

Imagine being out hunting and you walk right near an old injured wild pig and it just sits there staring at you.
Be funny if the Predator pats the guy on the head before leaving.

That thing from “It Follows”. I would just jump inside my car and go for a road trip. I am more than able to drive for 24 hours. It can follow these nuts!

I mean it would be easy to choose somebody like Professor Moriarty. Assuming they didn’t gain instant knowledge of how to navigate the 21st century and/or you didn’t have to spend the 24 hours in their time/universe.
- Professor Moriarty would also likely be disinterested in actually coming after you. He only targeted Holmes because Holmes kept uncovering his criminal plans. He began to see Holmes as a roadblock, and was continuously frustrated by Holmes’ investigative abilities. As long as you weren’t in Moriarty’s way and didn’t have anything to offer him, he likely wouldn’t care about you. After all, his public image was that of a respected scholar. You’d be a little fish in a very big pond, and Moriarty was smart enough to recognize that going after you would net him nothing in return.
  
  Moriarty was told that if you die in the next 24 hours he gets $3 billion.
- It would be impossible to choose Professor Moriarty because he isn't a horror villain.
  Just pick the It Follows monster and take a 1 day road trip.

Krampus. It’s summer rn

The Refregirator (yeah, it's a thing: https://www.imdb.com/fr/title/tt0102767/), It's a haunted / gate of hell fridge attacking a couple who just moved in a shitty appartment. Even if you unplug it, it still tries to eat you or send his minions (toaster, blender...) so I'll surely die horribly but I'm all for fighting against electric appliances.
- All good until the printer comes after you. Printers are haunted normally, so I imagine under this scenario they'd be even more malevolent...
  
  That's when i call guilleme mezzanine, the bush pilot.
- A tire. I can drive away faster then that thing can roll.

It follows. Go for a little roadtrip, ez 3 billions.
- We can be billionaire buddies because that was my first choice too.
  Get laid, go for a road trip, get paid.

The ginosaji.
I'm sure I could survive 24 hours being hit with a spoon.
- Uploaded 15 years ago
  God damn, has it really been that long?
  
  Time is the fire in which we burn.

Surviving the predator? You mean being part of a minecraft youtuber's discord before your 18th birthday?

I could probably take Nurse Ratched in a fight.

The girl from Teeth. I mean, worst case...
Full disclosure: I have not actually seen the movie.
- https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vagina_dentata
  If you are a lox believer then it’s the world’s oldest myth
  
  Whoa, I truly had no idea. That's pretty wild.

Choo Choo Charles.
Charles can't swim. I'll just take the ferry to an island.
- Who is Charles and why cant he take the ferry
  
  He's a train, and he's a train.

Godzilla. Then I'd go hang out at the White House.

Shit. He's right. That isn't honorable prey.
Source: Perhaps a predator-alien.

Jack Torrance from the shining
Percy Wetmore from the green mile
Warden Samuel Norton from Shawshank Redemption
Without their context they have little power.
- Shawshank is nowhere close to being a horror movie.
  
  Tbf, none of the Predator movies are horror, either. This whole post is built on a lie!

Can I go for a horror monster that isn't necessarily from a horror movie? Because if so I'm going for the flying black bedsheets from Harry Potter 3, it's summer and I want a mobile air conditioner. Also it couldn't inflict anything I to me that I don't do to myself, guess it could try to eat my soul but I'm pretty sure I don't have one.

Maybe gage from pet cemetery. Im not his dad so maybe I have to punt a child.

Otis Driftwood from House of 1000 Corpses. He has no supernatural powers.
I have lived around crazy rednecks all my life (Indiana and Florida). Pretty sure I could outwit 1 crazy redneck, and with 3 Billion I could afford to finally escape this hellhole.
- Otis Driftwood from House of 1000 Corpses. He has no supernatural powers.
  Am I misremembering the end of that movie, or does it end up getting kind of supernatural? Don't remember if Otis himself did anything though...
  
  It definitely gets weird towards the end and I think it's meant to be sorta ambiguous/ open to interpretation.
  From what I can recall (it's been a while) and from watching the sequels, I think Otis and Co were just psycho rednecks, but I could be wrong about that.

I feel a good amount of them are no match for the .45

Plankton, I choose you.

Predator, absolutely. I can survive 24 hrs lying under the bushes covered in mud.
- as soon as the mud heats up you'll be visible again
  you'll have to change the mud frequently
  
  Thanks! /note to self
- Unless he switches view modes like the one in Predator 2.
  
  That all looks like just more thermal imaging? Though it's been yeaaaaars since I've seen Pred 2 so I have no memory of what it's supposed to be story wise.

When did predator not kill someone??
- they seem to ignore the camera crew, that's kind of them...
  fuck it, we need a BBC mockumentary about then filming the predator like a nature documentary.
  
  Five star idea! I’m literally laughing at the … Spinaltap version!! That would by hysterical.

Daredevil. Or Batman.
- Horror villain. Neither of those are villains, even with as much trouble as their no-kill policies produce...
  
  Batmans a billionaire isnt he? sounds like a villain to me

I'd say Chucky, but any evil doll could probably kill me within the hour.

171 comments