5d ago

My rehabilitated abusive ex-boyfriend wants to meet with me and our son

I am 27 years old and I am a single mother of a 12 year old son (Yes I had him at 15). I have been single for a few years now ever since I left my son’s biological father who used to abuse me physically/sexually. He developed alcohol problems later in our relationship and he could barely keep a job, and he ended up developing extreme anger issues as a result. His abuse was mostly behind closed doors and never in front of my son. A few years later now, he calls me from another number explaining how he finished rehab, meets with a therapist weekly, and meditates every morning. He apologized a ton and he only asked to meet with my son and I in a casual environment to check up on us. (He explicitly said he doesn’t expect me to forgive him). I have not and will never forgive him, nor will I ever re-enter a relationship with him, but he does sound like a different person, so should I meet with him?

8 comments

I wouldn’t without a mediator and if he refuses a mediator I’d honestly wager his intentions are more than apologizing for how you were treated.

You owe him nothing. So first decide what you would want out of a platonic relationship with him. Is there anything at all? know he hasn't changed. Personally, I would have nothing to do with someone that abused my ever again.
However, if you want to meet with him you can. If he was physically abusive, I would be worried he hasn't changed. He's telling you he does all these positive things, but do you have any external proof that he is any different? Would you be concerned if he knows where you are? Where your son is?
I hate to say this, but you may need to test this. Tell him "No thank you, I'm not interested in meeting. If I change my mind in the in the next few years, is this phone number where I should reach you?"
If he says something like: "I understand. Thanks for even taking this call, and yes, I'll be keeping this number going forward if you ever change your mind". Then you could consider it if you do want to have any contact with him (you wouldn't have to wait years).
However, if his history of anger shows up immediately when you say this, then you'll know he hasn't changed and you and your son could be put at risk.

You should do what you are comfortable with. If he is genuinely better, then that is fantastic for him. You likely still carry some trauma around from that experience, and your ability to move past it may not match his. That is fine, you don't have to do anything. If you want to meet him, do. If you don't, then don't.
My only suggestion is this: if you do meet him, do it without your son along. Meet him in some place public, and perhaps even take a friend or family member with you. Only involve your son later if you are sure about it.

Depends. Lots of questions to ask yourselfg. What does he expect/want from the meeting? Do you think he deserves a chance? Are you willing to offer the chance? How do you want to go on after meeting? Either way, if you chooise to meet, he'll probably want/,excpect more meetings. If you do,vchoose neutral (public) grounds and don't go alone.

I wouldn’t ever.
If he has really changed, he will understand and accept neither of you having any contact. That is the best future for you and your son and he should know that.
On the other hand, for some abusers therapy can be like a training to improve their abuse skills and to hide it much better. And for what should you take that risk? Does he have anything to offer (not talking about material things here)? What could he possibly add to your life?
Worst case, he has not changed or relapses and traps you and your son again in his abuse. And no, a 12 year old usually does not have the facilities to handle abuse against themselves or to prevent themselves from being used against the non abusing parent.
Best case is what? Your son can meet someone who is a stranger at that point. And you can never have a normal friendly relationship to the guy, because the risk of new abuse is always there. So what’s the point?
I would say even contacting you was an act of selfishness. He want to „check up on you“ to fill a hole he has left in himself, not to do you any good. If it was for your benefit, a simple message of regret would have more than sufficed, without pushing for a meeting.

That's a tough one. I think your son is old enough for you to sit down and put the cards on the table, and ask what he wants. You can express your concerns clearly but ultimately leave the decision to him. If you do decide to meet, make sure you have provisions in place to make it as safe as possible.
My primary concerns right now are: If given an opportunity, he may harm you again. And, if he is that desperate for a relationship with his son, he may take shady actions to make that happen. It's crucial to keep your son aligned here so that he doesn't rebel and run away with the father, or otherwise put himself in a dangerous position.

First, good on you for not forgiving him. Some things are not forgivable, and if you don't want to meet him you are not obligated to. You are not obligated to expose your son to someone who is abusive.
If you do choose to meet him, do not take your son. Take a trusted friend instead, and get their opinion on whether there should be any additional contact with you or your son.
I recommend not meeting him based on your post.

As someone who has never met my father (since I was two, but I don't remember him even a little bit), ghost the SOB. Don't even bother to give him a "no". You don't know this guy is safe today and it doesn't sound like you have any reason to believe anything he says today.
I would tend to lean toward being honest with your kid and telling him that his father contacted you but he's a really scary dude and you don't trust him. You probably know your kid better than I do, but try not to keep the truth from him unless you really have to in order to keep him safe.

8 comments