You get 3 wishes. No monkey paw twisting it to hurt you mechanic. What do you wish for?

I want my best friend alive again, and the cancer to be gone. He can have the third.

28

I'd give all three of mine to this guy.

Sorry for your loss ;(

8

Reduce atmospheric CO2 to pre-industrial levels
Give me the ability to see/hear remote locations at will.
Give me Jessica Jones style mind-control, but without needing to be physically present.

'scuse me while I go unfuck some shit.

23

Reduce atmospheric CO2 to pre-industrial levels

"SEE! We told you the problem would fix itself! Now we don't need to take any action to better ourselves for the sake of the environment!"

Luckily you thought of that and using your third wish, you can fix it properly.

19

Infinite wishes

18

Fool! I wish for infinite wishes plus one!

6
- inifinity + 1 = infinity
  
  Try ℵ₁ wishes!
  
  3

Motivation to complete anything I decide to do.
General happiness with life.
Good health for my immediate family and I for 50 years.

13

I mean, you could have solved starvation and global peace, but those are nice too.

0
- You're welcome to solve those if you want.
  
  Don't highroad wishes.
  
  15

A post scarcity society
World peace
The eradication of authoritarianism

10

and capitalism (which would be the case under #1 but don't underestimate human greed)

0
- Capitalism is ultimately bourgeoisie authoritarianism
  
  2

Fix global environment/emissions to stable levels.

Fix ignorance/hate

Fix capitalism & greed

9

a private reality which obeys whatever rules i want it to.

the ability to interface this reality with any others, as well as disconnect it, at will.

8

shit. this is top tier wishing right here

2
- don't forget to make your first wish "if i, as i am now or as i become subsequent to their fulfilment, am unsatisfied with the outcome of any of my wishes, i wish to return to the moment i first was granted them, retaining full knowledge of the timeline as i caused it to be but with the ability to make diffent choices"
  
  since we're supposed to not be dealing with a monkey paw/genie situation, i didn't use it this way, but in general I'd recommend making it your first wish under any such circumstances.
  
  rephrase as necessary to further weed out possible loopholes.
  
  2

An Commodore 64, 7 million dollars, and a garbage can that never gets full

8

Every house needs an incinerator

5
- and no one will ever need more than 64k of ram
  
  10
Best I can do is a C64 emulator ...

I miss my first computer 😢

3

A monkeys paw mechanic for everyone in this thread except for me, the annullment of my own bodily needs (eg. sleep, food, water), and i dunno, maybe a cool rock

8

You are later crushed by your cool rock. Not because of a monkey paw but everybody else is so mad they drop it on you.

18
Haw haw reverse uno I use my monkey paw wish to wish the same upon to you also cool rock

3

1 - safety plan from other poster "if i, as i am now or as i become subsequent to their fulfilment, am unsatisfied with the outcome of any of my wishes, i wish to return to the moment i first was granted them, retaining full knowledge of the timeline as i caused it to be but with the ability to make diffent choices"
2 - maine plan - everyone wakes up to find out we are in a simulation and the real world is a post scarcity start trek like society but with total peace and harmony and none of the fighting
3 - backup plan - my own personal universe/dimension where I control all aspects of it and can enter it and leave it whenever I want. It exists outside of our time/space so when I enter and leave I can go anywhere within either as a destination

7

Post scarcity society.
Immortality.
Infinite wishes.

7

Omnipotence. Then I'm pretty much done.

6

After that, add Omniscience

3
- Congratulations! You now have the same relationship to the universe that a programmer has to his code.
  
  Good luck, and happy debugging
  
  2
- Yes! Give me all of the science!
  
  1
- Not even necessary, with omnipotence you can do that youself. But a little mystery in life would still be fun, no?
  
  1

Universal healthcare

Capitalism and authoritarianism eradicated

Everyone's medical and student debt wiped

5

Two chicks at the same time

Not sure about the third wish

4

That’s … that’s what you’d do with three wishes? Two chicks at the same time? Couldn’t you do that without three wishes?

2
- You haven't seen my horribly disfigured body. I'd probably need all three wishes for it.
  
  1

The power to change things, the knowledge of how to change things for a desired outcome, and the wisdom to know if I should.

4

good one

1

Infinite positive-effects-only wishes (what I consider to be positive)
Everyone now has empathy and selflessness, eliminating corruption, greed, stepping over each other, exploitation, etc.
Post-scarcity society, eliminating class even more than the above, since everyone can own whatever they want. Basically a real life Replicator.
Since I got infinite wishes, given number 3, society will have an even bigger trash problem than we already have. So a convenient, self-contained black hole we can put trash into, inventing a method of creating dark matter, revolutioning how we store energy, Futurama-style, which then becomes free due to post-scarcity.
Healthy planet, healthy people, healthy animals, plants, etc. Also includes mental health (infinite wishes are nice)

4

A replicator solves the trash problem, you just throw the trash in the replicator and it breaks it down to build stuff.

I choose you to get the wishes. Your list is my list. I don't wish for immortality - since I had kids, I'm disqualified. But 10x the lifespan with hundreds of years feeling like I do now, that would be nice, and with the replicator technology (who will get the manual on how to service these) the carrying capacity of the earth should be higher.

5

Fix the environmental and ecological collapse, end bigotry, the ability to shapeshift

4

My own General Systems Vehicle complete with a holodeck lol.

Immortality via transfer of consciousness into permanent artificial bodies for me, my wife, and our dog.

All humans will become much more proactive and thus don't put up with corporate or government bullshit.

4

Max verstappen and Donald Trump both due in a head on car collision against each other.

Green Bay Packers never win another game.

To live a long and healthy life with my wife.

4

Why Verstappen?

3
- Imagine how excellent this F1 season would have been without him?
  
  1
What did Max ever do to you 😭

1
- He's just a cunt.
  
  2
Green Bay Packers never win another game.

I like the way you think. Except it would be Erik Karlsson would never win another game (hockey). Fuck that guy in particular.

1

what's the monkey paw mechanic I'm confused

4

I wish you hadn’t asked that

2
In a short story, the monkey's paw is an artifact that grants three wishes of the person who holds it, albeit in the worst way possible.

The story goes that a pensioner and his wife receive the paw from some guy who warns them that the paw twists the wishes, but they pay the warning no mind and wish for a sum of money. A finger on the paw curls, and a factory foreman shows up with the money explaining that their son has died of a horrific mutilating accident in the factory. The insurance policy pays the money out to the surviving members of the family.

The wife wishes that their son were alive again, another finger curls, and a few hours later they hear another knock at the door. The wife rushes to welcome their son, however, recalling the stranger's warning and imagining how terrifying the mutilated body of their son might look, the father uses the last finger to wish the son dead and buried again. Incidentally, there doesn't appear to be a negative on that wish apart from the horror that's already been visited on them.

2

A bottle that refills magically with the most delicious, cool, refreshing water
Wolverine's ability to regenerate any body part
And invisibility cloak

3

To own my own theme park in which the rides never break down so that everyone can enjoy it anytime.

£10 million. I think that’s more than enough to live off.

The ability to forget something at will so that I can experience something again for the first time.

3

Eric Cartman is on lemmy?

4
Granted you now live in a loop experiencing the wish event until you die.

-2

For learning to be easier for everyone, so humanity can grow wiser.
For kind acts to extend people's lives, so humanity will grow kinder.
For the afterlife to be as perfect as promised, so we can see them again after a life of kind wisdom.

3

Immortality.
The ability to link one’s life to mine, effectively make others immortal.
Plant the Overview Effect into the mind of every human and make it a part of humanity’s consciousness forever.

2

I wish for a machine that can convert matter to its subatomic particles and then rearrange them back together according to any pattern that it has stored by previously disassembling, that is also able to be integrated into the human body.

I wish for an autonomous cloud computer system that can store both the patterns and a full copy of every bit of data currently on the internet and that the machine produced and that has a neural integration system so that the entire process can be controlled by the mind, and that this system also be able to be integrated into the human body.

I wish to have both of those and myself, 1 year from today to be brought, fully functional and with all knowledge and systems intact into the past, taking the place of my 18 year old self.

2

Wipe the student loan debt and I'll donate the other two wishes to charity.

Seriously, fuck this six figures of bullshit.

2

To never need
I can say no to anything.
I get to be in the top 10% of income for nothing.

2

End world hunger

As much money as I'll virtually need for a comfortable daily life

Initiate world peace ✌️

Edit: Would happily change as much money as I'll virtually need for the ability to reincarnate pm_me_your_vagina_pics_thanks friend whom died of cancer

2

I wish I had a turkey sandwich. On rye bread. With lettuce, and mustard.

2

Priorities

2
The turkey's a little dry?

2
- THE TURKEYS A LITTLE DRY!? OH FOUL THE CURSED THING. WHAT DEMON FROM THE DEPTHS OF HELL CREATED THEE?
  
  1
More of an MLT guy myself, nothing like a good Mutton Lettuce and Tomato when the tomato's are just 🤌

2
Wait I thought of a second wish. That politician? The one You (yes you) don't like? Every time they open their mouth to talk in public or when there's something around to record they let out the grossest nastiest wettest fart like they gotta go check, but everything's dry. But it's so nasty they gotta go check every time. For the rest of their life.

1
- And going and checking is part of the wish I want cspan to get interesting
  
  1

•1. I wish you would cry harder and not stop

•2. I wish no one can ever talk to you ever again

•3.

2

Video game style save states so when I mess things up I can just go back and fix them as long as I remembered to save. Like that one rick and morty episode except without killing a version of myself every time I use it

2

I would wish for the following.

I wish that everyone in my family slowly over two years gets into then stays in decent shape for the rest of their lives.

I wish that everyone in my family gets success, but keeps most of our anonymity.

I wish that pollution (including co2) was reversed to pre industrial revolution levels, this means that all material causing pollution is transformed back into raw material, so all excess co2 would be transformed back into what it was before, oil/coal/wood, suddenly we would have a clean planet, full of natural resources and modern technology, as well as an understanding of climate change, we would get a second chance, but with an enourmous jumpstart.

1

Everyone becomes a god of their own universe. Now you all can do whatever the hell you want.

1

A fully stocked r&d shop for me, that transportation infrastructure in the US would be consistently less car dependent in the future, and world peace.

1

To be able to convince anyone of anything, without reservations, whenever I choose
That I can never be forcefully contained within any construct or vessel, allowing me to leave whenever I like and return as I please.
Become a genie
Iunno, whatever I feel like convincing the first person to rub my completely voluntary lamp to wish for.

1

The ability to teleport anything anywhere (a few mfs would get to Mars wayy earlier than they thought)
Wipe all debt and records of debt world wide
Flips locs to the side and smiles world peace

E: #3 is needed to prevent #2 from causing mass chaos, and I'd be using #1 for at least 5 years before enacting #2 or #3.

1

Mastery over life and death

The ability to change all aspects of myself at will

Ownership of a well-organized collection of infinite-lifespan SSDs (100TB each) collectively containing English translations of all encyclopedias that have or will ever exist, human or otherwise, including full version history. And the proper facility for storing such.

1

All people knows the love of catholic God.
All people knows the fallacys.
All people see the life of others.

-6

All people knows the love of catholic God.

Hard pass

I've seen "the love of Catholic God"

5
- Number 3 is a very hard pass as well.
  
  2
Bold move having your second wish negate your first even if it was possible

3
The "love of Catholic God" is a reference to the priests that rape helpless children, right? Or just the institution that allows, covers up, and perpetuates it?

2