6d ago

"Gaze" Meaning for Autistics

Hello Everyone,

TLDR; I heard someone mention “The male gaze” The female gaze” and am curious to hear what some of us think about what draws people to look at others. (Other than the obvious)

Lately, I have been online a lot less, but was exposed to hearing the terms during an argument between two passerbyers in Walmart.

However, occasionally I wonder why people bring up these terms so often in online circles. It seems a flash point for incels or overall digital mud slinging.

Unfortunately, I have never understood what healthy eye contact is like. I oftentimes feel I weird people out by not knowing how long I’m supposed to look at someone. Sometimes they don’t look at me at all, but rather past me, sometimes direct staring, and then sometimes there’s no pattern that I can find at all.

Especially nowadays, when it seems most people actively try not to look at each other in stores or even in classes when directly addressing each other.

Eye contact is something I don’t think I’ve ever done “correctly” but it feels odd in a different way than it historically has for me.

How do you all cope with eye contact? How do you make it as healthy as possible and are there any heuristics to improve your natural reaction to it? I’ve never quite understood why autistic brains avoid eye contact either.

11 comments

"The male gaze" as a concept isn't literally about eye contact, but rather the objectification and sexualized depiction of women by male-driven society.
As far as the "right" eye contact, its hard to define. It's kind of an "uncanny valley" thing where if someone is either avoiding eye contact too hard or, conversely, staring too hard, it feels off, but its difficult to quantify explicitly.
- Oh wow so I’m much more autistic than I thought… Had heard of both terms simultaneously out of context, so just assumed they meant literal eye contact.
  Any tips?
  
  If in doubt, focus on a point in the low forehead just above the bridge of the nose
  It avoids the too much eye contact thing while having the benefits of looking directly allowing them to do eye contact with you etc
  This is actually a general interview tip I've heard, but it does well for me as a neurodivergent person
- It took me way to long to realize eye contact has little to do at looking at peoples eyes and is instead about behavior and timing
Don't look someone in the eyes for more than a few seconds unless you are talking to them, about to talk to them, or you love them and it's mutual....or I guess if you're trying to intimidate them.
You can get away with a few more seconds if you're smiling.
You can get away with a LOT longer if you're smiling and very, very attractive.
That's my "safe bet" suggestion but really it's different for everyone. Personally I feel uncomfortable with even the love of my life making eye contact for too long but some people love to be looked at.
It starts with balance. Its best to look at somebody about as long as they look at you.
- The problem I have with that, is that to know how long someone is looking at me, I need to both see when they start looking at me and when they stop doing so, and that inherently implies that I'm looking at them for longer than they look at me, unless I intentionally look away when they start looking back to balance the time out, but then I feel like that looks suspicious, like I've been staring and don't want them to know.
  It also requires realizing I've been looking at someone, which can be a problem if I stare off in some direction while distracted thinking about something, not really paying much attention to the visual stimulus I'm getting, only to realize a bit later that there's a person in whatever direction I've had my eyes and now I look like I've been staring at them for however long.
  
  I try look from the side of the eye when i don't make eye contact. Switch often people I speak too when telling a story. And people seem to like when you watch them
- Maybe don't start the awkward eye lock
  
  Oh rly y not? 🥺

11 comments