I miss 2003.

I typed and retyped this post three times thinking, who cares about nostalgia. we all have it. but maybe this will be useful to some people.

In 2003 I was 9 years old. I remember this sense of wonder about what technology would do for us in the future, because we saw noticeable leaps. CRT TVs gave way to flatscreens, every other piece of tech became smaller, and the PS2 had just come out and even by itself, every year games got better. I remember getting the sequel to a game you liked was pretty much a sure buy, because the sequel was usually bigger, better, and more impressive.

I had friends in school in that brief period before moving away, and I remember going home from school on wednesdays at noon - they gave us the afternoon off of on wednesdays. I'd watch some cartoons then eat lunch, do homework (actually I never wanted to do my homework and put it off to the last minute lol), and then go out with friends in the "woods" around our apartment building.

There was just something about that period, I don't know. I was playing some ps2 games recently that are set in, well, the year they came out (so 2002 or so) and it hit me. This was before smartphones, before social media, before everyone had a computer in their bedroom, when you only had a compact stereo to listen to music. At 9 years old, even 14 year olds seemed so much older. My idea of an adult was a 17 year old lol. The idea of having a 'girlfriend' or 'boyfriend' seemed so foreign, you had a TV or video game crush and you thought "that's who I'm going to marry when I'm older!" and "older" was just whatever age your siblings were, because an 18 year old and a 30 year old all seemed the same to you.

Of course at 9 you don't really think about your future. You have some ideas of what you want to do when you grow up, but those are just ideas. And we mostly remember the fond times and forget the bad moments.

And how did I turn out from this capsule in time. A year ago I became disabled after an unprovoked pulmonary embolism - I'm basically nauseous all the time. We still don't know what caused either, despite one year of going to see doctors and specialists. Nothing ever shows up on exams.

My days are basically going to bed whenever I feel tired, which is usually after midnight, waking up between 9 and 12, eating lunch, fucking around on the computer all day long like I'm doing right now, eat dinner, fuck around some more, and then go to sleep to repeat it all the next day. The part I look forward to in the day is dinner, because it breaks the monotony.

This is the reality for a lot of disabled people. Physical activity is almost entirely impossible for me, so I can rarely leave the house. Driving for too long causes nausea attacks. Walking too much causes nausea attacks. Sports cause nausea. Some days, I can barely even make myself something to eat because even just getting something from the freezer to put in the oven causes nausea.

Before my disability I used to go to the gym a lot. In 2022 I was in a really good place mentally. I went on vacation across the world by myself, which I would never have done before. I was starting to pack on some muscle. It was probably more noticeable than I remember lol, but I wasn't like shredded or anything.

In april 2024, a month before the pulmonary embolism, I put some plans into practice. I started a diet, because I had put on some weight again. I lost 4 kilos in the first month, which is huge if you know how dieting works, and I was in a good place to basically reach my goal by August 2024, go back to the gym long-term, and basically get to a good place again.

But the PE happened in may 2024.

I don't have a partner, I can't really go see my friends because I can't travel, and it's difficult for me to invite them over because that means I have to get stuff ready, which is difficult for me to do. And if I'm in a bad period, I can't even enjoy it because I'll just be nauseous the whole time.

My friends know I'm disabled but don't check up on me. This is often the case. People have their own lives and problems of course, but a message once in a while is always nice. I could write them of course, but tbh my friend network is kinda weird like that and we don't message each other a lot in the first place lol. You also don't want to just complain and dump all of this on them all the time. Most people also don't know what to say to disability problems because, hey, even I don't know what to say to my problems. I guess this is just my life now for the foreseeable future, and complaining isn't going to fix it, but there's also nothing else to try.

There are some days I don't even speak a word to anyone. I don't know what this does to one's voice. Honestly today most of my friends are on discord lol.

I don't mean to say "woe is me look at how bad my life is". Rather, this is the reality for a lot of disabled people. Not all disabilities are the same but this is what it forces us into a lot of the time. We are isolated, physically and mentally. I'd like to find a therapist but going to appointments is difficult. Some offer online sessions but I don't know, I think it's important to leave the house and be in a different place. Because otherwise you're just clicking a button on an app to hang up and you're still in your same boring old room.

For most people the criteria to finding a therapist is if they're good and if they take on new patients (cost is not a factor here since they all cost the same). For me I have to think about that AND take their location into account, because if they are even a bit too deep in the city, I can't get there. I know my exact limits when driving.

I'd like to find a partner, but I mean this ideally in the same way 9 year old me wanted to be a famous artist when he grew up, because I'm not in a place right now where this is either possible or a good idea.

Basically how can you have any sort of appointments or dates set when you don't know how you'll feel by then? I have some good days and some bad days, but I don't know what day it is before it happens. On some days I could go out for a walk probably, but I wouldn't know until I do and until I come back home without incident. That's how you would know it was a good day, only after the fact. People think that you know everything about your disability. No, often we find things out the same time you do.

If you have disabled or struggling friends, reach out to them once in a while. They'll appreciate it. And work around their limitations!