2w ago

what does it mean being nice to your coworkers to you?

cross-posted from: https://linux.community/post/3368394

and how do you deflect prying questions about you and limit these rituals to 2 minutes instead of wasting 30 minutes?
asking as somebody who, if not on the spectrum, is socially awkward, likes solitude, boundaries and to be left alone (to do the job)
I still believe none of your answers is going to help me because neurotypical solutions don't work for me but I have nothing to lose with this question.

14 comments

help them when they have questions
cover their section when they use the bathroom or take a break
warn them that the manager is incoming if they're on their phone
tell them they're pretty / compliment their outfit / notice if they change their hairstyle
remember their preferred name / nickname / pronouns
This is on top of a base level of respectful behavior, such as:
treating them as equals
going to someone directly if there's a problem with their behavior, and only elevating it to mgmt if they won't change or compromise
not stealing from them (shifts, customers, sections, cash)
not interrupting when they are talking
As to your issue with prying questions, I've found a simple "I'm not comfortable talking about that at work" usually does the trick. Or if you want to have fun with it, an outrageous lie can also work, eg.
℣: "Where did you grow up?"
℟: "I'm actually a time-traveller from the distant future, but now that my mission was successful and Herman de la Rosa has been assassinated, my hometown will never exist." Edit: ... and then say "It's a very painful subject," and walk away quickly.
Up to you.
I don't understand the question. I don't think I've ever encountered anyone asking me prying questions for 30 minutes, at least as an attempt to be social. What's an example of such a question? If it's at work, how can you even get away from your desk for 30 minutes? Just say you have to get back to what you were doing.
- I'm very introverted and to me any kind of question about me is a prying one: my age, where I was born, how long I've been living where I am. I simply don't get why I have to tell my coworkers about this, nor I understand why they get offended if I don't answer the question. If I'm fired or I quit I'm not going to see them ever again. Who cares?
  I'm a nurse and at my hospital there are rituals that bore me but anyone else finds, apparently, great: after report, talking time, usually 30 minutes. They talk about boring stuff, are loud and obnoxious, I simply don't understand why adults act like this. I read to pass the time, but have to be there with them because we're officially working. This happens at least three times per shift: once more to have lunch (for whatever reason we ALL must have lunch together, even if it means not having your own chair) and after charting, where, once again, I must remain with them because that's officially working time. If I leave, have a seat in the pause room and start reading, I get yelled at, no matter than I can also hear the bell from there.
  It gets very boring. God my new job cannot start soon enough.
  I don't have the luxury of having my own working station.
  I've started to do extra chores just not to have to hear them. It also reduces the chance of them asking me about me.
I'm friendly and charming, and read body language cues competently to help me navigate social interactions. You can usually tell when someone is shy, semi non-verbal and/or on the spectrum and I just limit my interactions with them not to overload them (they're already feeling a lot just by being around people, making them feel like they "have to" interact with me would be cruel, I don't want them to short circuit!).
You also have to change your expectations of "normal human socializing" with these people: basically, as long as they're not overtly rude, they're okay in my book. They're not like regular folks who won't talk because they have something against you personally, they just don't do that in general (besides with their "favourite person" and online, as people here are just lines of text), and that's something I've learned to keep in mind. So just give them space, nod and smile, and it's all good in the world. 👍
Reading the other thread you cross-posted from and being a nurse myself, I agree with the other comments and answers found in the original thread.
You don't have to like the answer but people generally are asking not to be prying but to be social with you and involving you to be inclusive, whether or not you are neurotypical. That is nice of your peers and honestly, practicing these behaviors for your patients too would help with your job. You are encountering individuals at their lowest: when they are most vulnerable, in pain, in discomfort, stressed, anxious, alone, etc. Part of the patient healing process is support and connection with their healthcare team, which would include you. Patients may do the same thing, ask you questions similar to those of your peers to get to know you or form a connection.
For your peers, you can disclose you are not neurotypical to increase understanding and let them know you are having issues with socialization but there should be some efforts to work with your team as well as with your patients. Healthcare especially in an acute setting as your answers so far has implied is a super social job and if not being social is your thing, there are other positions in healthcare that are not as social in nursing: utilization review, MDS RN, transfer center nurse, picc line vs wound care nurse just for specific tasks, etc.
Being para-social at workplace is part of the job. We are primates establishing group dynamics after all. Others monkeys need to know if you fit into their Dunbar’s number or if you’re a shit-tosser.
I tend to give short answers without elaboration. ”Where do you live?” Gets one word reply. ”Where did you grow up?” One word. The rest of the time, be silent and don’t engage. Silence works.
Being introverted is fine, but you might havewto accept that others are not. For them parasocial relationships are as important as being alone is for you.
You can, learn to drive different behaviour for a while. I am very introverted myself, but I don’t present myself as one at work, purely because my work requires me to be outward focused public speaker. This takes a LOT of energy so I also need to find recharge time and ”be myself”, but I do that outside work.
Of course it would be ideal if everyone else was just as introverted as I am, but over the years I’ve come to the conclusion it’s easier to adopt a ”work behaviour” than expect everyone to adapt to my level.
i think being generally rude and just kind of a removed will eventually make people learn not to interact with you in any way outside of work related stuff.
State that you don't like prying questions. tell them you don't like to talk about yourself. If they asked those types of questions for the second time remind them. if they asked those types of questions for the third time remind them with a stronger tone. and if they asked those questions for the forth time give them a cold look of silence. they may be offended in short term. but in the long you will have more respect.
- Not respect, they'll just leave you alone, for other reasons (and probably dislike you too). But if that's what OP wants, he can easily have it.
- does this also work with women? most nurses I work with are women and are simply incapable of being silent more than 2 minutes.
  they may be offended in short term. but in the long you will have more respect.
  they WILL be offended and proceed to furiously talk behind my back and destroy my credibility
  
  This is not a good look, friend
  
  Well if you do this at least you peaceful stated what you don't like. As for this
  they WILL be offended and proceed to furiously talk behind my back and destroy my credibility
  they didn't even build your credit in first place to destroy it later. Each person credibility is built by themselves by what deeds they do. and credibility can only be destroyed by one self by doing harmful deeds. plus as you said they talk about meaningless, worthless things so don't focus on what they talk behind you. and where focus goes, energy follows, so focus on learning meaningful things.
  
  To be honest this doesn't sound like a good workplace. As a teacher at my school, we just get on with the job and the last 50 minutes you can join in conversation or just get on with something else. When a teacher is busy with something (even if they're reading) we don't interrupt them except if someone has a school related question they can answer.
Im an old therapist and I always recommend the power of silence.
I'm not nice to my co-workers. I am courteous, professional and set boundaries.
If someone asks me a private question about my life, family, children or anything I consider personal. I just remain silent.
Silence is simple. It take no brain power, whereas trying to think of ways to deflect questions will be stressful.
It is not written in stone that I have to answer questions. Silence is a powerful tool.
I never get into justifying to anyone why I do not want to share my personal stuff. Its personal for a reason.

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