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Autism @lemmy.world
Boo @lemmy.dbzer0.com

I need some pointers

Sorry for the unspecific headline. Basically i am confused about myself and want to ask some questions/would be happy for some recommendations on what to read upon in regards to mild Autism/ADHD.

The whole thing got sparked when i saw yesterdays meme-post about people with ADHD and Autism spectrum flying below the radar as both mask each other.

As a child i was a "troublemaker" and i was tested for ADHD multiple times, all negative. I remember getting in trouble with other kids often and my father trying to explain to me that i need to develop "antennas" for how other people feel when i talk to them. According to my parents adults often were confused when i was talking to them, because i was holding normal conversations with them at a young age and didn't "recognize" their "default authority" as adults.

As a teenager classmates both used ADHD or Autism as insults towards me, which i furiously rejected.

I never really had many friends growing up but it got better in late teenage years and particularly when i went to university. However as much as i enjoyed spending time socializing, i never had more than two or three really close friends. People found me nerdy or quirky, but a good dose of quick jokes generally made people get along with me, although i often ended up just loosing people in a conversation when i explained things i found interesting.

When i talked about it with my wife yesterday she told me i am probably somewhere on the spectrum and to her it seems obvious. I thought i would be good in picking up social cues by now, except for being incredibly dense to flirtation attempts, both to the happiness and dismay of my wife. But apparently i am better at relating to people and understanding their motives and feelings rather than picking up on cues well.

I often can relate to the memes here, but i don't relate to many of the strong negatives often associated with ADHD and/or Autism.

  • In the context of work i function quite well. I have resigned myself to some things being stupid and just having to be done, and i can work best if i am just given a task and a "figure it out". Also i am usually good at anticipating the next steps needed. I am not really struggling with authority directly, even though i often take issue with who the authority is given to.
  • My places is a mess but i rarely misplace things, or it is in episodes
  • I hate dirty dishes and my sink usually is clean
  • According to my wife i am inflexible and need order in places like the kitchen, but this directly contradicts my messy room
  • When i am doing new stuff at work, i can do things well for a few months but then routine kicks in and i get bored and easily distracted (being here instead of listening closely to a meeting right now)
  • I have many unfinished projects rather than deep diving into hobbies and i rather have broad interests than overindulging in niche topics.
  • I feel happier with reasonable routines, and apparently get irritated if they are broken, even though i don't realize that for myself as much
  • Compared to many people around me i seem more empathetic and more relating to peoples emotions even if i don't always pick them up well
  • Small talk remains incredibly dragging
  • I hate texting or calling. Yet i feel comfortable writing a lot on the internet.
  • I had 5 years of therapy for depression/anxiety. Neither ADHD nor Autism were ever brought up by my therapist. I got better at dealing with both but it seems to be along the lines of having got bored of myself being held back by it and having developed the discipline to push through.

I guess i am mostly asking because i still feel like there is some "glass pane" or so between me and most other people. Even if have mostly positive interactions and people usually feel genuinely happy to see me, i feel like forming deeper connections remains difficult. I also feel less inclined to bother trying, even though at times i wonder if it is sufficient to have my wife and two close friends.

So after all this off my chest, i would be happy if you could help me with something to read up on regarding Autism and ADHD and milder or "well adjusted" cases of either. Would it make sense to pursue a diagnosis/treatment? Is there any point in treatment, if life generally is good?

Thank you in advance.

7 comments
    • I had 5 years of therapy for depression/anxiety. Neither ADHD nor Autism were ever brought up by my therapist. I got better at dealing with both but it seems to be along the lines of having got bored of myself being held back by it and having developed the discipline to push through.

    I don't really feel comfortable chiming in on if people "are" autistic or ADHD but I did want to comment on this. I wouldn't take it as a sign you aren't. I have been in impatient mental health treatment twice, once as a young teen and once in my 20s and it never came up. Got told I had depression, then bipolar, then BPD but I didn't really think any of them fit? If anything I'm too flippant about relationships? That one felt really off to me but it came up after spending 2 years trying all sorts of drug combos for bipolar and nothing working. And that effectively stopped medication attempts.

    I started therapy again in my late 30s and after a few years I was like, maybe I have ADHD??? And my therapist was like, "and autism!" that one surprised me but it's been a few years since then and I'm going through the formal diagnosis now.

    I think one of the reasons it's missed is people aren't looking for it. I don't know your gender but I do really think it's missed a lot in girls and also more nerdy folks because they can be reserved or just "shy". I'm just "awkward". What they don't see is how distraught I get when I get home after events and get so angry at myself for fucking up every social interaction 😬

    I guess i am mostly asking because i still feel like there is some "glass pane" or so between me and most other people. Even if have mostly positive interactions and people usually feel genuinely happy to see me, i feel like forming deeper connections remains difficult. I also feel less inclined to bother trying, even though at times i wonder if it is sufficient to have my wife and two close friends.

    I think you need more than your spouse and it seems like you have that, which is great! What I am finding is that I think it's good to have some casual friends or acquaintances. People with common interests you see sometimes doing those interests. Super low effort but you still have contact with more people with defined tasks and things to talk about. I volunteer. Sports or clubs are good too.

    So after all this off my chest, i would be happy if you could help me with something to read up on regarding Autism and ADHD and milder or "well adjusted" cases of either. Would it make sense to pursue a diagnosis/treatment? Is there any point in treatment, if life generally is good?

    I only sought it when my life was falling apart, lol. I was and am so burnt out. I'm an engineer and I manage engineers. I don't know if I'm just noticing it for the first time but now that I am in my 40s I'm seeing more and more engineers in their late 30s to early 50s in autistic burnout, which is different than the burnout you hear about more often. I suspect one of my previous bosses had it looking back. I knew she was on leave but it was super vague but remembering her and how she was and then going through it myself, I wouldn't be surprised.

    I've also known some people that I would say are pretty clearly autistic and either by choice or luck fell into a life that accommodates it and it never becomes an issue. One highly successful engineer I know is also religious in a faith practice that venerates a loving active involvement in your family so he could never work himself to death because it was his duty to be there for his kids and wife. I'm not a fan of religion but I'm glad it worked out for him!

    That's a super long way of saying I don't think you need diagnosis or treatment (what treatment, lol???) if life is good. If you are starting to feel exhausted then it might be handy to know what autistic burnout is so you can swerve it. What's been most helpful to me is the ADHD meds (they work like antidepressants/antianxiety meds for me, the way actual antidepressants/antianxiety meds didn't) and also understanding that typical productivity tricks etc are not going to work for me. I'm still learning how to know when I need a break and being able to take them, but at least I know that's what I need to do.

    The "what treatment" is kind of a joke but not really. Perhaps others in the comm have better experience but the resources for autistic adults are super slim to non-existent where I am. In terms of what I am pursuing, I'm hoping for help to figure out what kind of accommodations will work for me. The diagnosis will help me get the accommodations. I'm in therapy and trying to learn to unmask (sometimes) and learn to get in better touch with my body to know what it needs, and also to calm my nervous system. I have two therapists (kind of long story, won't get into it) and I think it's important to have a therapist that gets neurodivergents or else you'll get told to use a planner lol. One therapist is hip enough to neurodivergence to have put me on the path to diagnosis and the other is autistic herself and she's helping me learn to live as an autistic person.

    TL;DR: it's not a problem until it's a problem and it doesn't become a problem for everyone so you do whatever feels right!

  • This definitely screams high masking undiagnosed. Many of us in adult hood have this. Maybe if we were born a little (or a lot for some of us) later then it would have been caught. That's my amateur opinion.

    I like this channel. He can definitely be corny but I feel he generally gives good information. I believe he focuses mostly on high functioning adults.

    https://m.youtube.com/@Auticate

    For general autism I like Kaelynn.

    https://m.youtube.com/channel/UCejujvCQbO5jWmWtIQ2u30A

  • I can relate to... every single one of those points. I've spent some time living in small spaces though, so I'm not so bad about my room being messy anymore. Everything else though? Yeah. I spent many years in therapy as a teenager and nobody even brought up the possibility of neurodivergence. I eventually looked into it enough to get formal diagnoses of both Autism and (mild) ADHD when I was 27. They've been a recurring theme but not by any means a focus of sessions with my therapist since then (I started therapy again around that time too).

    Treatment isn't going to do anything if you feel like your quality of life is good, as you've basically managed to do the treatment yourself. That said, I think that therapy is generally a good thing, even for people who manage to cope well; as it can aid in deeper understanding of the self. It's shocking how many people think they're happy but really aren't.

    Connecting with others is hard. Even for neurotypical people, from what I can tell. All I can really suggest is trying to meet other people who are on the spectrum. You'll likely find other autistic people are much easier to connect with. I have my partner and a couple of close friends who are all also autistic, but I definitely haven't figured out how to connect with neurotypical people at any meaningful level. I think that's largely because we tend to crave deeper connection than neurotypicals, so we're trying to connect with them more than they have any interest in connecting with anyone. That's not a bad thing, necessarily. I think we just connect in fundamentally different ways that make it difficult (but not impossible) to maintain relationships.

    Also, I don't have any reading material to suggest, but there are a handful of "Autism Youtubers" that I think have interesting content like Orion Kelly or Trevor Carroll.

  • One of us! One of us! Get diagnosed if the question burns at your soul but otherwise, if life is good you're already ahead of the curve. Seek out people who validate your story. You're looking in the right places it seems.

  • You just described me better than I could, down to what my wife says. (Except I never got therapy.)

    I never got treatment, and do not see what advantage treatment could give at this stage of my life. The important thing for me is having a few friends who are also autistic, having a spouse who understands my issues, and having a job that accepts my strengths and weaknesses.

    I think the lack of friends who are also autistic was the big difficulty for me early in my life. I did not know I was autistic, and did not have any interactions with anybody else who was. I always felt like an outsider, even at home with my family. Having a few (but no more than a few) friends I could really relate and connect to, and the independence to be me and not have to conform all the time make life good.

7 comments