People who can don't get mad and just go with the flow, how do you do it?

Happened to me too. Best thing is going to therapy.

This might be caused by bigger problems with your family or work. Or it might just be accumulated stress unrelated to anything in particular.

Therapy helps either way

You kinda just have to stop giving a shit, which I guess is technically Mindfulness.

But I think I achieved it after a bad shroom trip when I had an epiphany that nothing in life matters, but it really doesn't have to matter.

Some good advice I heard once is that you can’t change what happens to you but you can change how you react to it. Bad things will happen but how you react to those things makes such an impact. Reacting positively to negative things happening affects not only your mood, but also how you deal with those things. It takes time to shift to this style of thinking but it will definitely improve your way of life.

12 Practical Steps for Learning to Go With the Flow

1. Realize that you can’t control everything
2. Become aware.
3. Breathe.
4. Get perspective.
5. Practice.
6. Baby steps.
7. Laugh.
8. Keep a journal.
9. Meditate.
10. Realize that you can’t control others.
11. Accept change and imperfection.
12. Enjoy life as a flow of change, chaos and beauty.

I trained myself over years after realizing stress was killing me, I was unpredictable to be around, and struggled to eat with any regularity which led to really bad eating habits.

What ended up working is when something would happen that upset me I would close my eyes, take a deep breath, go to a room by myself and just sit down with my eyes closed and do box breathing until my nerves settled. Then when I opened my eyes I would say to myself, ok let’s go get this mud cleaned up.

Admittedly it doesn’t work in a car, crowded location, or even work necessarily. Over years my impulse control and roll with the punches attitude really developed. Maybe too much, when my ex wife said she wanted a divorce it was kind of just an “ok, do you want me to move out or did you plan to? I’ll see what paperwork we need to fill out “.

I enjoy life so much more though. My dog peed in the laundry room shortly after coming inside and I remember a time when I would have been incredulous about it. My response was to chuckle and say “oh buddy you know not to pee inside”, grap a swiffer and throw the pad in the load of wash I was starting.

Maybe I just got older, life experience and all that. I do think the separation from what happened and box breathing exercise really helped me in being able to put things into context and just let life be life though.

For me, it was pure philosophy. When I came to terms with how totally insignificant I and my world is in the grand scheme of the universe, something as simple as the dog tracking mud across the floor became less then inconsequential.

As an aside:

Meanwhile I'll get pissed that I didn't wipe their feet and be mad the entire time I'm cleaning it up.

This reads like someone who takes everything upon themselves and doesn't cut themselves enough slack. I don't know you and this is the tiniest snippet of your life experiences, so take my statement with a massive heaping of salt, but give yourself a break. You aren't super human, you aren't responsible for everyone and everything, and you will make mistakes. Holding yourself to an impossible standard is a common source of anger and unhappiness.

Subjectively speaking, every person I've met who I would describe as "angry" when discussing their personality (I'm a believer that some things are worth being mad about and choosing to be appropriately angry does not make you an angry person) is deeply unhappy with themselves. This is usually because, thanks to a combination of external influences like narcissistic friends/family, they never measure up to their distorted beliefs of how they "should" be. "Should" is a bad word. Thinking in terms of "should" is self-abusive and rarely helpful. "Will" and "next time" are fine. They're about learning. "Should" is nothing more than a way to internalize the things you've done wrong without focusing on how you'll learn from them.

Anyway, I could be way off, cause man I don't know you. But, some food for thought, anyway.

in my experience, the sooner you accept that life is terrible and full of pain and misery, the sooner you cease to be surprised by it being terrible and full of pain and misery.

tl;dr "this might as well happen, I guess"

Proper sleep and exercise, yoga in particular, is what helps me. When I'm dead tired and my back hurts I'll get mad at everything too.

I'm on antidepressants and I smoke a shit ton of weed

Age. After 40 years I realised it's not worth getting wound up about things. Every year I drop more and more 'baggage'. Life is a lot easier when you let things go.

Similarly, experience. I've survived suicide attempts, close calls, addictions, fights, sickness and death. My meds being lost by the pharmacy is pretty minor compared to the epic time travel battle I had against God last year during a meth psychosis that resulted in my arrest and court. Experience adds perspective.

Meditation and noticing emotions don't have to be acted upon. It's on top feel something. It's pointless trying to stop that feeling. What you can do is not act on that feeling. Raging at the idiot who pulled in front of you solves nothing.

Hanlon's Razor: "don't attribute to malice what can be explained by ignorance". The majority of times people 'wrong' you is due to ignorance. Not malice. One of the reasons why I find the obsession with labelling people "narcissist" a bit silly. They aren't, they're just wrapped up in their own bubble of problems. We all are.

Stoicism has many great lessons and quotes that are worth reflecting on over your lifetime. Let them percolate your soul and after many years you just become more stoic.

I pretend I’m in a zoo observing people, which I guess is called disassociation.

This sounds like you are stressed. In the particular example you give (I am a generally even tempered person, and having trouble with irritability today) I find exercise helps. Exhausting my body calms my mind.

If it's a situation where the irritability is telling you something, like you are stressed because you are doing too much and the rest of your family doing too little, you may need to communicate that to them, to be able to fix it.

The secret isn't not getting mad. The secret is going with the flow despite being mad. If you're constantly triggered by small things (like your dog getting some mud inside) then there's proooooobably something a bit deeper that needs to be addressed. But either way, do the things, mad or not. Emotions happen, they're never "wrong" but you can also determine what to do with them, or what to do despite them.

I have this marvelous quote saved in my phone:

“If you are distressed by anything external, the pain is not due to the thing itself, but to your estimate of it; and this you have the power to revoke at any moment.”

• Marcus Aurelius

I’ve found having a good psychotherapist to talk about all the things that are actually bothering me (that makes others uncomfortable) is the key. Usually it’s work or family related stress. All the little stuff isn’t really a bother, it’s just the ongoing last straw when there’s a pile of much more significant stuff underneath it being ignored.

edit: to clarify

psychotherapist = no drugs (in my experience) psychiatrist = may prescribe drugs

Both are valuable when appropriate. Sometimes you just need to talk things out with a neutral confidential 3rd party who recognizes the issues. Sometimes brain chemistry is a bitch.

For me: get enough sleep and/or do exercise. Getting 9 hours is my ideal but I settle for 7 more often than I should. As for exercise: running, hitting the heavy bag, jump rope, rowing, weight lifting, swimming, walking, VR boxing (got too sweaty for it to be a long term thing), rock climbing; all these things have been good over the years or whatever you want. Cortisol builds up in your system and exercise breaks it down. You can't be stressed if you're exhausted. I think of the two as shielding and loading. Sleep increases my shielding from stressors and exercise decreases my baseline stress load. The two together are the actual answer, in my opinion.

Permanently Deleted

Ask yourself if getting mad actually helps the situation. Is it going to get the problem solved any quicker? Does it make you feel any better? No? Then what's the point of it?

I look at those things that annoy me, and think would you rather be in Palestine right now and it becomes less of an issue. This general strategy has worked for me since the Vietnam War era.

Are you getting enough sleep and nutritious food? It's critical to have the basics covered.

We have zero control over the first thought that comes to mind, so don't sweat it if it's an angry one. A few deep breaths really helps, even if the head (which wants to get angry and rage) says it won't do anything.

Drink more water! Whenever I find myself grumpy, the culprit is usually dehydration... It makes everything harder IMO. Ymmv etc etc anecdata

While reading Epectitus definitely helped (externals - out of your control; reactions - your choice, things don't bother you, you bother yourself), and telling myself that I gain nothing out of anger (mostly lose from it), I ran out of fucks to give. Someone's blocking the way? Just wait until I can pass them. My delivery is running late? Whatever, it'll get there. I left the window open during heavy rain and everything is wet? Close the window and mop it.

In a world where nothing really matters, giving your undying attention to stupid things like these is just absurd. Who's watching your reactions so that you have to put on a show?

But as someone said, it takes practice. Being mindful, present, realizing that you're getting angry, and then consciously thinking "ah whatever" and accepting it. Difficult at first, but as with any skill, the more you do it, the easier it gets.

practice.

you have to intentionally practice.

metta is one exercise.

Being mad sucks. If something bad happens it sucks. If I'm mad about the bad thing that happened then I already got two things that suck. I like to minimize the suck.

I have noticed my ability to take things in stride definitely goes down when I don’t feel well. I would check in with yourself physically- is there a non-obvious physical ailment that might be putting you on edge? Perhaps there’s pain or headaches that you don’t consciously consider that’s diminishing your ability to deal with stuff. Otherwise I would suggest what others have suggested- looking into whether you might have some level of anxiety disorder. This may mean medication and/or something like cognitive behavioral therapy

I went on anxiety meds. Changed my life

Wasn't really allowed to harbor or express anger as a kid. Now I can't summon an ounce of rage, even when it's appropriate and helpful. It's not ideal, so I spend a lot of time meditating, dropping away other emotions in hopes of finding a spark of something in there. Nothing yet, but I've found a number of other useful things in the process.

Mindfulness is a great skill to build to debug issues like this. It's slow, painful sometimes, and doesn't always feel worthwhile, but it's definitely worth taking the time to try meditating to get closer to your base emotions and how they appear.

Worth remembering too that what you're looking for probably isn't a huge shift in thinking, at least in the short term. Incremental progress over time is all it takes. Some people are shades of tightly wound and that's okay. You're who you are for a reason and it's worth being kind to yourself when unhelpful thoughts appear. Not to excuse yourself of behavior you don't want to maintain, but to care for and guide yourself toward a simple step in the right direction.

"Don't sweat the small stuff. It's all small stuff".

It's about adjusting your perspective. Some things can be looked at as new challenges and opportunities for creativity. Some things can feel very important and weigh on you but given a day or two can be irrelevant. Other things like death, finances, or relationships are difficult to get past, but you will eventually. Taking a breath to step outside the situation or looking at it from someone else's perspective can really help.

I absolutely have these little moments every day. I get mad, say some 'what the fucks' out loud, call myself an asshole, etc, then move on seconds later. Giving your emotions a reasonable amount of time to smack you up is a good thing. Allowing them to take over isn't helping anyone.

Edit: Come to think of it, I was just around my mother for the holidays. She is agent of chaos. She has a short temper, she yells, she's erratic, she very much exerts her irrational stress upon others. Without getting into my entire childhood, I'll share that it took me many years to figure out why I was so short tempered and angry at everything. The quote I started this post with was what sparked the change for me.

Im exactly like you only I've learned to recognise and stomp on the reaction.

I still get needlessly pissed about things, to an unreasonable degree. But then I recognise that my reaction is out of proportion to the problem and that wether I stomp on it or not, I'm still going to have the problem the only thing I have control over is if I'm stomping around like an asshole while I fix it.

You just have to take your Ego and set it aside when you catch yourself, you cant defend the reaction because its irrational. So recognise it, stomp on it and then work the problem like a normal person.

Everything that Salman said.

This sounds exactly like me and my partner: a small thing can ruin his day and it ruins my day because then I have to put up with his bad mood. What's helped him was some intense solution-based therapy to address his shitty childhood as well as an awareness that several 'bad' things in a row is just a coincidence and not the world (his family) out to get him.

With our kids, I'm making sure to say 'oh well' and not fix it immediately everytime a mild frustration happens. They see their dad getting upset and have started to copy his behaviours so we're trying to encourage them to just brush things off before they get stuck in the mindset.

Personally, I think it's about managing expectations. You can blame the dogs, or you could laugh it off and blame yourself for not handling the situation... I find it easier to manage self-blame than to try to suppress my anger at others

Buddha said, when you're angry, count to ten. When you're still angry, count another ten.

Seriously though, most of the time getting mad isn't worth it. It makes you look bad, makes you inefficient and at the same time makes you and other people feel bad. It's overall, if we are thinking logically, a negative condition/ situation to be in. Getting angry/ mad brings nothing to the table.

Try to think like this, every time you're about to get mad: is getting mad brings anything? Would it change the situation? Can the things already happened be undone? Do I have other choices other than accepting it and fixing the situation? What should I do next? Once you can think like that, calmly, I am sure that you can stop getting mad.

The problem is, most of the time/ very often, you're not even aware that you're angry/ getting angry, and you let your emotions take control of you. That's why you have to train yourself to be aware of your thoughts/ feelings most of the time, and in that way you can react accordingly, consciously, doing what would be your best action/ most logical action. Some people can achieve this through practicing meditation. I'm sure, once you are more aware on what and how you feel most of the time, you would be able to control your actions/ emotions much better.

I allow myself to feel the rage. Every bit of it, for a count of three, then I have to stop. Because now it's time to take action. And proper action requires a calm response. I used to try to breathe and relax but that usually just left me fuming for an hour. Instead I just get unfathomably angry for 2 seconds then move on. I don't know how healthy it is but it works for me. Sort of the emotional equivalent of yelling out an expletive.

I played Overwatch until my mind realigned. Not joking. I was frustrated that running into irrational people in that game would in turn make me irrational. I figured, the opposite should be true too. Rationality should be able to calm and blunt irrationality. And once I realized that, it kind of became an academic exercise to me. I was nice and friendly on purpose and the quality of all my matches went through the roof. Even games that were loses were agreed to be excellent matches by both teams. Which sounds like ridiculous fiction, but it's the truth.

There's a really good book that helped me put my own realizations into more concrete terms.

https://www.goodreads.com/en/book/show/25898044

And this book literally changed how I view behavior and how to permanently change behavior: https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/22544758-triggers

I know it's not a good advice, but having something very serious happen in your life might shift your perspective. In my case, getting (through) cancer made me realize it's not worth stressing for stupid little things and greatly deepened my stoicism.

Learning, studying, and embracing Stoicism has really helped me. I find The Daily Stoic by Ryan Holiday helps keep it top of mind for me. It’s a bit of a pop philosophy book, but it works for me.

Honesty, I can easily picture times where dogs tracking through the house would set off a hair-trigger. But, other times I see the mess and think about how I love dogs. How their "culture" simply doesn't care about muddy floors. My dog wants to play whether it's appropriate or not and I can respect that. So, I'm saying, sometimes I can laugh it off.

Framing a big picture (of happy thoughts) is a strategy that has worked for me.

I also smoke a lot of pot.

I'm going to be echoing a lot of these comments, but it really is a matter of perspective. In a day, a week, or a month after the anger inducing event, will you really be proud of yourself if you got angry and died on that hill? Once I realized that it really helps with a lot of other negative emotions like doubt, anxiety, and sadness.

Buddhism, meditation, and generally knowing that everything is temporary. Gratitude / "counting your blessings" helps increase general happiness, as it's easy to forget what's going right

A silver lining in having a bunch of mental disorders.

It's mostly about how mindful I'm being, but it's always about the perspective. Although, I have always been very laid back and easy going - I don't have a problem being the leader but I also don't mind just letting things play their course.

For something like your example - the things that get me the most are say, the towel I'm using to wipe my dogs feet gets caught on every edge imaginable, hanging and tugging. It's frustrating because I am doing something that I expect to be a certain way and I'm meeting resistance over something so simple. I'm just trying to dry the dog, why does this little thing get hooked on everything?

And same, not just the towel for the dog but everything - putting back a wooden spoon and it not going in, repeatedly. Any of that sort of thing will get me. Something about the task supposed to be taking 5 seconds but then taking so much longer, compounded with the fact that like come on it's so simple just get in there! Oh man, when a jacket gets caught as you're taking it off? If I'm already on the verge of a bad mood that ruins me.

For other things though, it just doesn't matter. Like, what does it really matter?? So I went to the store and forgot something. Yeah that does suck. Oh well! Unless it was something absolutely necessary and it was the last opportunity - fuck man, yeah it's unfortunate but I mean... Nothing to be done about it now. Why focus on that? It's funny because I legitimately have gotten more upset about my jacket getting stuck as I take it off than when I forget something at the store. What gives with that? Lol.

I am generally an optimistic, outgoing person who looks for the best in things. That doesn't mean I don't get set back for a few minutes, sometimes half an hour, over something pointless. Another example that happens to me often - you have a project or a plan, you know exactly what you want to do and how to do it. Then you go to look for X, Y, and Z. X is gone, Y is broken/not charged, and Z is there but the other two are fucked so what now?? Then you either have to half-ass it around the jank or give up the plan and do it later, but the motivation hit you 10 minutes ago so now you're just set stuck seething about a project you wanted to do but can't finish.

For me it's all about perspective. When I am most easy going is when I care the least, and when I am able to go with the flow or quickly get over something, it's almost a sort of contentment from nihilism. It's not that "nothing" matters, it's that what matters is that I'm right here right now - what I'm doing is sort of irrelevant? The core details exist and the little ones don't matter.

For example with the dog again, when I come back from a walk in the winter time I know what you mean. The dogs feet are soaked, so are mine. I'm all hot and bundled up with wet socks. My jacket just got stuck as I was taking it off. But man, then I grab that towel and I start rubbing down my dogs legs, she hands me her paw all dainty and pants and then hands me the other one. Licking the air and looking at me. She's just so damn precious that all I can focus on is how cute it is to clean her paws after our walk, with the added benefit that now the entire floor and furniture doesn't get wet/muddy. It's not so much the result of dry cleanliness I'm going for as much as it is living in the moment with her.

Each of these are rooted in plans with expected outcomes, or the results of something else unplanned. If you are able to shift your perspective about these things, that truly can help.

When plans with expected outcomes don't go your way, I find myself looking at whether it was in my control or out of my control, and to what degree if any. Sometimes things are just entirely out of our control. If that's the case, then so what? What could we possibly have done? Absolutely nothing, so why fret?

Sometimes it was something in our control. Well, if it didn't happen and it was a mistake then it's something to learn from and work on. If it wasn't, then whatever still? Most things in life hardly affect us for more than 6 hours, so realistically why let something small affect you for even that long in the first place? If it was in your control then now you've learned how to better navigate it next time.

There's all sorts of things that I could say, I understand and relate to this. Nothing that I'm saying by the way is meant to be negative, I recognize the same things and these are how I am about it.

My partner is very different from me, a cap to a soda could fall and the next 20 minutes are stressful. The disappointment from not getting something expected will last the rest of the day. But the in/out of control still remains true.

My only real "suggestion" among all this, since it's mostly just validation, is that where possible try to set yourself up for success. Make routines that make your life easier - I've started setting a towel down as part of my W.A.L.K. preparation so she walks in that and I fold it round her when we're back.

Follow the 5-5-5 rule, does it take 5 seconds, 5 minutes, or 50 minutes? If it takes 5 seconds to just put the can away, just do it. If it takes 5 seconds to put the dog food away, just do it. If it takes 5 minutes, plan it around another 5 minute task. Give yourself 15 minutes of dedication to something specific, with 45 minutes of room behind it. .

After 15 minutes, you have either finished your task and you can move on, or you have gotten heavily invested into it and you have the next 40 minutes to continue it. And of course if it takes 50 minutes, then you just know it's a weekly task you have for that day.

And remember, if it's something (small) that would get a negative reaction out of you - why? Is the loss of whatever happened really so much of a setback that taking 5-10-30 minutes more time to react to it worthwhile? But I know that it's not just that easy, but it can always help to have reminders.

Think that's about all from me, but I feel you. As a very happy, bubbly, uplifting person I still understand and resonate with this. I hope what I had to say is able to help, but even if not I hope it helps knowing someone else understands exactly what you are talking about and that this is a sliding scale that people exist on.

So many good suggestions here. And while therapy is definitely a good option, I’d start simpler before spending money on that.

I’d ask one simple question: what are your sleep habits? Sometimes it’s as simple as working to get better sleep. Not more sleep. Better sleep.

If you wake up tired, feeling physically exhausted, then a few things could be at play: you may simply need to stop eating four hours before going to bed, and only drink water, but stop that like two hours before going to bed — and try to use the toilet before going to bed no matter what.

You could be losing sleep due to using a device when you lie down. Either due to time, stimulation, light patterns, etc.

And another, bigger issue, is sleep apnea. A few of the biggest symptoms of sleep apnea are: waking up feeling physically tired (like your arms feel like salamis hanging off, or you feel in a brain fog); falling asleep in the middle of the day for what seems like no reason; finding that to get through the day, you have to have a lot of caffeine to function; nodding off easily while driving; and the most obvious of them — waking up in the middle of the night as if you had to take in a huge gasp of air.

Sleep habit issues and sleep apnea are both major causes of impatience in a person. Source: myself. When I get better sleep (especially after I got on a CPAP), I generally became a more patient person and in many ways a happier person.

There will always be other stressors than the above that can factor in, but for my money, I’d begin there. The other suggestion of drinking more water is another easy first step to see if that helps. Exercise is also an easy step to take because it has the immediate physical and chemical effect in the brain of helping to ease one’s mind.

Everyone is different, but the above has helped me.

I wish you luck in your journey.

prozac

though i'll be honest, the several months of dialing-in the initial dosage were an absolute hell, but once it starts working... like hot damn, a whole new person. i can't function without it, but everyone reacts differently to SSRIs... so YMMV and it's definitely something to consult a physician about if you're serious.

I'm often seen as calm even though I have my frustrated outbursts. The one thing I make sure to do is not direct that frustration towards other living things.

As you mentioned in the dog analogy, I'll outwardly vocalize what I could have done to avoid the situation and own the blame. I have a couple dogs as well. If I'm upset enough that I notice a change in their behavior I'll play with them to show its okay. Now that I think about it, they started bringing me toys when I'm upset which has a calming effect on its own.

I want other people witnessing my tantrum to understand I'm frustrated with myself. There is always something I could have done to improve/avoid the situation. On the rare occasion I'm unable to self regulate I'll remove myself and take time to reflect. Sometimes it takes a night of sleep.

I've lived with a number of narcissistic and borderline personality types throughout my life. Seeing and experiencing the damage one can do with anger, I've made it a core principal to never project my own shortcomings onto another living thing.

For situations where one could not have done anything, I'll resort to assertiveness principals if I'm not okay with another's behavior or accept the the situation and go into "fix it" mode to mitigate what's in my control.

Key point I suppose is to remove anger, shaming, eluded ignorance, and other forms of manipulative behaviors as a means to control others and to see every frustration as a test of my principals.

I don’t know.

There’s a lot of things I’ve stopped giving an emotional fuck about. One of the biggest drivers of that change is that I’ve realized that getting angry at someone or about something has pretty much a 100% failure rate in effecting the change I want to see. If anything it makes things worse. So taking several steps back, or just flat out walking away, is often the best choice. Especially if the issue has no real life benefit that necessitates dealing with it.

Note: that’s pretty much 100% of internet/social media interactions. That doesn’t mean I don’t engage, I do, just that stupidity shouldn’t go unchallenged. I don’t expect anyone to change, though.

That also doesn’t mean there aren’t things worth getting angry about as long as you can direct that anger into something constructive and beneficial, like getting your ass out to vote. Stepping up and participating in a protest against hateful people. Standing up to your employer in a strike so you can be treated, and paid, like you deserve to be.

It’s not easy to walk away. I lose the battle often enough and get wrapped up in the emotions far too often. Stress will make you stumble and fall into the anger trap. Being tired. Or just stupidity. You start wanting to be right instead of doing what is right. We all fuck up. Learn from it. Move on. Let more things go.

E: I guess this is more life in general rather than a muddy floor issue. People say “don’t sweat the little stuff”, but pretty often that’s the hardest to avoid. It’s the little things grinding at you day after day that wear you down, stress you out. Shitty work hours. Low pay. high rent. Noisy neighbors. Irritating co-workers. Sometimes breaking out of the rut can help. Take up a low-cost hobby, head to a gym, go walk or hike somewhere away from people. Allow your mind to take a break and reset if possible.

Here recently it seems like everything just gets under my skin so quickly and easily. It’s not that I get mad and take it out on others, it’s just the fact that I’m constantly annoyed and stressed.

Are you annoyed and stressed because everything gets under your skin, or does everything get under your skin because you are constantly annoyed and stressed?

Oh, by not caring. Apathy is the answer.

Imagine you're being recorded and you have to watch it back later. Sometimes it's easier to see ourselves from others perspective than our own. Patience is a skill, you have to use it to get good at it

I can't tell you. I experimented with psychedelics in my 20s, and it wouldn't surprise me if that change in behavior was one take away from that time... It's easy to say life is meaningless, but to personally experience it (or at least what felt like it at the time) is a whole different thing.

After that realization, you get some perspective I guess.

Nobody "never gets mad", they just deal. But your issue speaks to something bubbling underneath the surface, it sounds like (obligatory caveat: I am nowhere near a professional). Figure that shit out bc it's not going away.:-(

Maybe you are worried about your job or partner or something, and this little stupid stuff is just how it comes out, bc you won't allow yourself to be mad about the REAL reason you are currently unhappy. It definitely sounds like it is yourself that you are mad about... but even that could be a smokescreen or like projection or some such, if it were not okay to be mad at someone/something else.

Therapy could help if you could afford it - even just the time bc there are like volunteer orgs that lower the cost - but you can also do a lot on your own, like try to create a safe space where it is okay to be mad about whatever, even if it seems "wrong". Stupid dog tracking stupid dirt on the stupid carpet... why can't I ever do anything right? (Like: I could not even marry someone who I don't highly suspect is cheating on me... WTF!? Or maybe not that, maybe it's a midlife crisis with career, or children, or who knows what else). Eventually your brain will allow you to know what is REALLY bothering you, when telling you that fact will cause a lesser amount of pain than doing so right now would.

IMHO, start with: you are not okay, this is not normal, and things can get much better (REALLY!), but it will take effort and possibly time (depending on how deeply ingrained whatever it is turns out to be).

It took me a lot of practice. I used to get mad at everything too. Almost violently so (hence the username "fury"). I realized over time I don't want to spend that much effort being mad at anything. It's not worth it. I'm going grey fast enough as it is without willingly adding to it. I'd rather focus my energy on something more enjoyable.

Except Bing Chat. Bing Chat can go take a long walk off a short pier, and I wish everybody who worked on Bing Chat a very "good heavens what were you thinking". Give me back my regular search results, thank you very much.

OP, if you figure it out, do honestly let me know. I'm very similar to you, but instead of anger at the world, mine is despair. Stupid, insignificant things make me catastrophize and freak the fuck out and make me think of stabbing myself whereas other people just have an easier time shrugging life off. I don't get how they do it and why I'm so unintentionally dramatic.

I understand your frustration. It seems the two answers are "try therapy" and practice controlling your thoughts in the moment. Which can be annoying when you've already been doing both. I don't have any better answers unfortunately.

Once upon a time, I had anger issues and would get pissed at anyone for any reason. I have 3 main self-help tricks, but keep in mind that self-help can only go so far.

1. The moment you notice it, stop everything and reflect on if it's worth being upset about. Everything is deserving of some amount of irritation, but only the big things are worth getting irritated about.
2. Practice mindfulness. Check in on yourself every so often during the day to see how you feel. If you're in a bad mood, try to identify why first. If it's a general feeling and not a specific cause, take about 10 minutes to pause your day and focus on breathing.
3. Redirect those feelings towards something that deserves it. Righteous anger is a very strong tool, and fighting the things that are the focus of that anger is highly rewarding because it often leaves a positive impact. As an example, I have a lot of righteous anger towards the way my coworkers and I are being treated. To fight that anger I'm helping to form a union. It's rewarding to see people realize that they deserve better

Meds, weed, accepting that everything you worry about probably won't matter in a few years anyway so why bother getting mad about it.

I started drinking lots of alcohol. It didn’t really help in the long run.

It’s like liquid therapy.

Then you lose your family and job.

It’s great!

Can you give us a little anecdote or vignette of a recent situation?

Re:dogs - It sounds like you might need to set boundaries with your dogs and whomever allows them outside so there is a procedure everybody (including dogs) is aware of and knows needs to happen that you have put together to avoid having this problem again.

Anger is a sign that we feel we being treated unfairly or things are happening that we believe are not acceptable to continue happening. I would encourage you to make friends with your anger and allow it to illuminate that which needs to be examined or altered so your anger doesn't need to pay it further attention as you work to resolve the discrepancy

Anger is really good at intuiting that the equation isn't adding up and that there is a miscalculation that you must rebalance in order to discharge its responsibilities. Until that happens, anger will be wherever you go and be activated by more and more related and unrelated things.

Edit: I had a small breakthrough just now grappling with this question, thanks OP, lets have another if you like

For the people who are really placid, it's a straight personality trait. As in, they've been that way since they were babies. You can't learn it.

I've been homeless for a long time, violent upbringing, seen the worst in people on the street so most troubles I encounter today don't compare. When the weather is bad the sound of the wind and rain against the window makes me happy. When I feel dirty I step in the shower instead of having one 5 times a month in a shelter. The small things don't trigger me.

My son has adhd and autism, it will make you learn to have patience, restraint and order in time and home enviroment.

People though, certainly old boomer people in supermarkets that want to walk right through you, try to skip the line or pushing the shopping cart in your ass, block the path because they want to discuss with other old people their hip replacement or next funeral to attend, or in too large vehicles (that are really useless to them) in traffic, driving the wrong way, to slow, trying to park for 5 minutes et cetera...I will turn me into a drooling rageaholic.

Woosah.

Shit happens. Often. Choose to not let it control you and your mood.

Being stressed and / or tired usually makes my reactions worse. Get rest, lessen stress, and use stress coping techniques.

You can control your reactions. You cannot control the shit that happens.

Serenity now...laugh at life and yourself. It is not really that bad. You knew that, right?

Are you very low on time? I see this happen to people who feel they just don’t have enough time to get everything done that they need to, and therefore any little delay causes a lot of stress. If you can offload some chores or reduce your activity load that may be some help. But there are other reasons for irritability as well.

Medication. That's my secret

cut away from social media and news. it'll make you a sadder and angrier person and will rarely add anything meaningful to your life.

I work in ecology. The amount of times that weather or nature has plans counter to my own has been too great to count. Just gotta go with the flow and deal with the cards you have in a given moment. It doesn't mean you can't be upset about something, but at some point you realize that it's not useful.

Do these feelings of anger linger for long? Personally I'm like you in the sense that tiny inconveniences piss me off but I also drop those feelings pretty quickly and go on with my day, it's like a very short spike of anger and then back to normal, I just kinda remind myself it's not a huge deal and go on with my life. I think it's healthy to feel the anger just don't dwell on it for long.

You should probably focus on the problem/problems underneath, this is probably just an epiphenomenon

I sometimes just sit down and figure out why something happened and try to figure out what I could do to fix it. If I was really mad about it I would let myself think about how far I would go to make it happen, what would I give up, what extraordinary lengths I would go to fix it. Normally, most things, are just absurd to think about like that. Like if I really didn't want my dogs stepping in mud maybe I could get rid of all the dirt in the yard, maybe make a little AI powered spraying bot to wash their feet, maybe get a second job and hire a guy that just hangs out by my back door to wash their feet. If I'm still feeling it, I mean really think about it, I mean maybe there is a way to reduce the dirt outside, maybe a rug to clean their feet, etc. Normally I go "oh that's WAY too much work" and I just think about the imaginary Tim that would be wiping my dog's feet instead of me, and it makes me chuckle.

The other one is just comparing the consequences. Like what if I didn't clean the dog's feet. They would track mud in for sure, and ? Like, maybe, I get some mud on my feet? Maybe on the couch and on my arms? If I get mud on me, what happens? What's the consequence of getting muddy? Is it really that bad? Can't I just wash it off?

The latter is what my therapist helped me with, I worked a life and death kind of job for a bit, where things really had to work just right or people could get really hurt or worse, I was taking that anxiety back with me and applying it to all the little things I also wanted or cared about. I really had to take a step back more on things and go "So what?" to more things, and I got better about being able to role with the little punches again.

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I close my eyes, take a deep breath, and then try to envision everything my body just did to take that breath.

The intercostal muscles expanding an' the diaphragm contracting to make a vacuum in the thoracic cavity.

The air rushing down my trachea, into my bronchus, then into the bronchioles.

The alveoli swelling individually as the air fills 'em.

My lungs filling the vacuum that the muscles created.

It's a lot of things to keep ahold of all at once, so there ain't the space in my mind to keep thinking of what annoyed me (until some daft bastard goes and does it again mind you).

In the movie Point Of No Return, the main character is taught by one of her trainers to say "I never did mind about the little things." To demonstrate the appropriate use of the phrase, later in the movie a guy shoots her friend then looks at her to see how she's going to react and she says it to him. Given the time and perspective thus afforded her, she later kills that guy before he kills her.

I dunno, I just think of that phrase a lot. Also I've been through a lot of big things that make practically everything seem like Little Things in comparison.

i need to adopt a cat-owner mentality

Someday they'll be dead, and I'll be passing on their grave. Then I'll be "going with the flow"

I just think about all the times that getting mad actually helped the situation in any way at all.

I mean, in some situations, getting mad is the correct response, but I find that to be extremely rare.

After getting mad, the situation is usually still just as shit but you're even more upset and you've probably upset some other people around you too.

I have been stressed out about everything in the past, but I worked through a lot of things.

The main thing for me is acceptence. I accept whatever comes at me, and I deal with it.

Missed the bus? I accept that that is the new situation, and then start thinking about how to deal with the consequences. Do I need to inform somebody that I will be later, or do I need to do anything else? Is there a different route I can take?

And what is also important, I watch myself. I make sure I get enough sleep and I have some time for myself to chill. It helps if you are not tired or burned out. I have been tired and burned out and it makes me far more emotional and unpredictable.

I accept that I am not in control of a lot of things. But I can always control my response to those things. If somebody is trying to piss me off, I can stay calm and that puts me in control of the situation.

I also realized that bad moods are contagious. If somebody was in a bad mood around me I would pick it up too. But now I figured, why? I don't want somebody elses state of mind to control mine. So I accept that they are in a bad mood, and choose to keep my mood going.

I choose to control myself in all circumstances, no matter how crazy, and it makes me happier and less stressed. I'm still not perfect but I feel a lot better a lot of the time.

And it's a great practice for emergency situations too. I've been able to solve some things rather quickly just by not panicking and making the right calls to give some things priority over others.

Hmm. I work in a high stress field. As in, behavioral modification. I get hit a lot. It does impact me over time. So what I do to manage my emotions is taking the time to take it easy on myself. I make that space. One hour after work every day (not counting the drive) where I am just alone with my thoughts and doomscrolling before I let anyone else place any demands on me (myself included). You sound a little bit like me before I burned out originally a few years ago and put some boundaries in place where self-care is concerned. That one hour did wonders.

For me, I do get mad occasionally but I just see that me getting mad doesn't get me anywhere. I just gotta fix the problem.

I would love to be able to go, “well that sucks” and just get over it.

From someone who can still go with then flow even when the flow seems like its from a sewage plant: That's the neat part, I don't get over it. I can either move forward in a way that's best for me, or I can just let myself react without thinking about it, get a hollow sense of catharsis, and put myself in a worse situation where I'm gonna need more than a hollow sense of catharsis.

I feel smoking crack helps smooth out the edges

I don't get mad, but I can't really offer you any advice. I'm just a guy. It's just how I am. I went to a therapist when I was in high school because I don't really have any strong emotions at all, and I was worried something was wrong with me, but he told me it's just how I am, and that one day, when I have a partner, I'll "...either be their rock, or drive them insane."

I proposed to her today. Turns out, that was an inclusive "or".

I knew a guy like this but it seemed his life could not get worst so nothing at worked bothered him.

Admittedly I'm usually drunk or high but an overwhelming disposition of "it do be like that" seems to help the bullshit slide off

You should take a sabbatical or however else a time out.

I cannot recommend mindfulness enough, as already suggested by many others in this thread.

I think, you said you are already in therapy? In this case, I would definitely talk with your therapist about this and things you want to adopt beforehand. If you want a simple concrete tip, you could try the "mindfulness coach" by the US department of veteran affairs. I liked it a lot and the apps from there get good privacy recommendations from mozilla.

I am a bit suprised by the many people recommending to just stop giving fucks. Is this what you really want? Or do you just want avoid the emotions of taking control?

Going with the flow is such an important skill that more parents need to put more of a focus in teaching. It's all about making sure that your response is a realistic way of attaining your goal in the situation.

If I'm talking to someone else and trying to help them through a situation like they say, ask them to think for a minute if getting angry will do anything at all to help the situation they find themselves in.

"You are absolutely right to be upset about this situation, and if you need to take a minute to feel that rage, go right ahead. Once you're ready though, let's take a deep breath, remember that we can't change what's already happened and instead be strategic and intentional about what we do from here to correct for what just happened"

Being able to gain control of yourself is a skill that requires practice. Intrusive thoughts and feelings and emotions happen to everyone, the trick is just recognizing when it's happening. When you recognize that it's happening, take a deep breath and shake it off. For me that means just slowing down and being much more methodical and intentional about anything that I say or do until that fight or flight mode response disengages. Be conscious of the fact that my reflexes cannot be trusted when I am in fight or flight mode.

I don't think I have the emotional range to "get angry" the way most people describe it (as some overcoming urge). It's an alien concept to me. For me, anger is a quiet loosening of my moral obligation towards someone, a re-tallying of social contracts, something done consciously and with purpose.

If I should appear angry, but just "go with the flow" instead, it doesn't mean I'm not angry -- it means I no longer feel the need to be honest with you about my thoughts or feelings. I've found that by and large, people fail to notice the difference.

So if it is any consolation, at least some of us who appear easygoing are actually furious internally.

Stress is obviously an enhancer of anger issues, but it can also be a character trait. I’d focus on learning to accept that you have those emotions instead of trying to suppress them.

Buddhism, meditation, and generally knowing that everything is temporary. Gratitude / "counting your blessings" helps increase general happiness, as it's easy to forget what's going right

Could try studying stochastic philosophy. I've always generally been calm but had an extra realization that getting upset at things doesn't help the situation I'm in and is generally just a waste of energy. So why waste time feeling terrible when I can just accept whatever is going on and move on with my life.

hmmm...

I think it helps if you play a lot of "immersive" games. and practice disengaging from there.

For example, if you now don't get mad and throw controllers breaking screens, you're now half-way to the real task at hand!

I know your feeling - though I find it hard to truly lose my temper, I do tend to stress out easily and start venting outloud.

I feel like externalising my stressors is the only way to let them go, even if nobody wants to listen, otherwise I just end up bottling things up.

That all starts with being able to recognize those emotions in the moment. If you can’t change the past, then why are you putting energy into getting angry over it? In your dog example, you’re going to have to clean it either way so stop to think about what’s more valuable to you - moving forward and learning for next time or using your energy to get angry.

There’s nothing wrong with getting angry. Anger is a useful emotion. Use it to your benefit rather than to your detriment.

I feel weird recommending medication but I had the same problem for like 3 years (since my mental breakdown) I got put on new meds about 4 months ago and holy shit have they been life changing. That constant anger isn't there anymore, some times I still have a bad day, but its not ever present annoyed at the world anymore.

Best I can tell (no personal experience) is that if your life has serious troubles affecting you, small stuff like some mud in the rooms is one of the comparatively more positive elements of your day. Hence the ability to just laugh and move on.

Get checked for vitamin deficits?

When my depression and adhd where really bad it used to be like that. Do you have any other problems?

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Play fighting games. It'll teach you how to manage the salt economy within your body

https://yewtu.be/watch?v=gfc1MRVmJYs

It’s a slow process to change how you think. You need to recognize when you have negative thoughts or emotions and correct/remind yourself to have a different response. An example I have, a teen ran a stop sign and gave me the finger. Of course my feelings were anger and frustration. To have it stop bothering me I kind of have to Laugh it off. Try to laugh or chuckle at how they were possibly trying to show off to their passenger. Silly, stupid and dangerous, so laugh at that, like really they think that’s cool aha. It sounds silly but there are some opposite emotions that you can’t feel at the same time. Like anger and laughter, depression and gratitude. It’s slow to change how you think. Be patient and kind to yourself. Everytime you recognize negative thinking is a positive step.

I also have difficulty remembering things. Again it sounds silly but post it notes works for me. On the yard door “wipe paws”. On the coffee maker in the morning “take pills”. Bathroom mirror “brush teeth” rather than forgetting and getting upset at myself, I’m reminded before it’s a problem.

Just some of the things I’ve learned from therapy that have been helpful to me

This probably isn't a helpful response, but for me, once something is inevitable I don't see a point in getting upset, so I don't. For instance I' the dogs tracv dirt through the house, I'd definitely be a bit annoyed that I have to clean it up, but actually letting it get to me would only serve to make my night worse.

I simply project my reality onto my surroundings

Regular exercise (every other day at least) makes a big difference for me.

In the end nothing really matters, the universe will suffer a heat death and we're just here for a extremely short ride.

Train yourself to observe yourself. With some practice, you can kind of see yourself from an outside perspective. Watching yourself have a tantrum over spilling some water, or banging your head or whatever, is pretty funny.

weed

For me it was getting sober and specifically the serenity prayer. I have a terrible temper. Like break things and punch people temper. It's always embarrassing to lose control like that. Well, saying that prayer reminds me that there are things I can control and things I can't. Serenity is understanding the difference and accepting your powerlessness over things like the past, other people's thoughts and actions, and even your own flaws. I am so calm now, I just have a "not my circus, not my monkeys" attitude most of the time. Occasionally, something starts to push my buttons and I have to walk away if possible, but that's rare.

Also, make sure you're getting enough sleep and try cutting out caffeine. Anything that causes more cortisol production is going to stress you.

breathing exercises, intense exercise, taking timeout to think about about all your stressors and what actions you can take to reduce them in meaningful ways. i also get really mad and stressed out and close to shutting down sometimes/often. im trying to get into a DBT skills course on top of what i already mentioned as things that have been helpful for me but yeah

it depends on what I'm getting mad at. For instance, I don't tend to argue/yell/confront people in real life. I only get mad at people if it's online. In real life if I can look into someone's eyes I'll feel different about it. If it's some racist person or someone being annoying, I look in their eyes and often see a little kid trying to rile people up, so I just feel sad. Or sometimes I'll see nothing in their eyes. If someone is pure evil, I just don't sense their soul anymore, so getting emotionally invested in them is like throwing a bucket of water into a black hole. Anger at them would go nowhere. I dismiss people like that, acknowledge what they are, and tell them to stop doing whatever they're doing. Don't say racist or transphobic or whatever stuff around me, simple as that, you know? usually being direct works the best. I have a 100% success rate so far, because people like that do get embarrassed easily if they're in public, trying to confide something bigoted with me, then I'm not having it.

Anger at situations though? I don't deal with that in a healthy way at all. I turn all of it into self-hatred. I blame myself for every problem I have. If there's a way out of doing that, I'd love to know, because this sucks.

For me it was seeing people with really bad tempers, while I was a child. I realized how childish it made them seem, and how often, the temper didn't help them get their way.

So now when I see other adults that way I just see childishness. And I don't want to be that.

Marijuana

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Well, it’s not something I do as much as it is just who I am. I never choose to just be chill, it’s just that I very rarely get annoyed or mad. Even the rare times I do, I can often just breathe out and force a genuine smile thinking about everything nice and beautiful, and it just doesn’t stick. I get happy and content and will just clean up and laugh or facepalm at my clumsiness or dumbness or whatever. I’m a serious goof though. Maybe it’s easier if you don’t (and simply can’t) take yourself too seriously.

This is my husband and I ask him on a regular basis. I still have no idea.

Sometimes the best opportunities to show how you feel are not the immediate opportunities.

It's a combination of a few things. I've always been fairly chill, and I think these factors help further that zen.

Having a potent sense of humor makes it easy to laugh off anything from mundane to tragic. Always preferred to "laugh, so I don't cry." Easily my biggest coping mechanism.

Another good method I heard was this perspective exercise. When something irks you, stop and think "will I still be upset about this a week from now, month from now, year from now?" Usually the answer is no, I'll have completely forgotten about this mild inconvenience. If it's something I'll be upset about a year out, then I'm justified being upset in the moment.

Finally, another tool of perspective is the cosmic absurdity of it all. Here we are, sharing this tiny mossy pebble of a space ship called Earth, in the middle of the goddamn boondocks of outer space. If this entire planet disappeared overnight, the universe at large wouldn't even notice. For an inconceivable distance in every direction is a cosmic lifeless void. In the absolute grand scheme of things, all these little grievances are so insignificant. It's insane that any of us are here. We'll return to infinite nothingness soon enough. Take a deep breath, enjoy the ride while it lasts.

Idk maybe hit a joint once in a while too lol

Get enough sleep, is my first and most important strategy.

I went through periods like that off and on my entire life until I was diagnosed with ADHD in my late 30s. What I've come to find out is that generally those periods have an underlying cause. Figure out/tend to the cause, and these effects lessen drastically.

Everyone is different so that may not necessarily apply to you, but I'm hoping that describing my experience may help you in some way.

Um...I just stay away from people to avoid the unexpected and I always stay home. I'm extremely predictable myself (you could set your watch to me) so I'm never concerned about my end, but other people can be unpredictable so I tend to avoid. I'm also not a pet person, so that's not an issue either. Driving to and from work is my greatest unpredictability factor.

Worse things happen to better people (but also I am too tired for angry a lot of the time).

There are some psych things to do, breathing exercises etc. but honestly a lot of people who seem to have a hair trigger have a lot that's already brimming under the surface. Of course, some people are just entitled shits that get angry about every tiny thing that doesn't go their way and should probably reflect on whether they expect everything should go their way and if anger is helping them or their community. Sometimes anger is a totally justified response.

Punch a homeless dude