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Lemmy Shitpost @lemmy.world

funny @lemmus.org

2y ago

Milking machine

57 comments

Oh man, I have this problem to a high degree. Almost anywhere outside the home I'm embarrassed to masturbate. I feel this way at the grocery, the laundromat, even dentists office. Hospitals are intimidating, so it's a great place to start, but there are lots of places we should be putting these. Hopefully they come out with a portable version to make this something that we don't need to be embarrassed about anywhere really.
- Would be nice to see these in supermarkets and malls, maybe in restaurants so you could pay part of the bill in cum
  
  Well, it's more likely to catch on than real world applications of crypto at least.
- im sorry to say but its just a cope. these machines will never replace the experience of cranking one out in a public restroom
- On the other hand, the amount of people that are at ease pulling their pork in public is too damn high.

Too embarrassed to crank one at the hospital, but not too embarrassed to have a machine suck you off while you stand at the row of machines with all the other donors. Urinal etiquette does apply, btw! Don't be That Guy who goes straight for the middle BJ Bot!
- If they configure them face to face, they could probably build one machine that jerks off two donors at the same time, on the upstroke and downstroke.
  
  We'd have to account for their height, wouldn't we?
  
  Mechanical docking machine
- What's the matter? The machine will cover your junk. Plus you can high five your buds after you finish together.
- I’d hope they’d at least be in stalls so that I can only see the feet of the dudes getting sucked off on either side of me.
- We'll you can hold hands with buddy on next machine. Helps to make itess stressful

That's disgusting. Where would you even buy a horrible machine like that, and how much would that terrible thing cost with shipping?
- Search "banana cleaner" on Amazon

I’m sorry Dave, I can’t let you not cum

Ransomware: pay 5BTC or I'll bite your dick off

- When you nut but the milking machine keeps milking

My ex used to help everyone out like this too.
- How kind of her
  
  They shared with everyone so much there was nothing left for me.

Keeping these things sanitary must be a nightmare

Is there a version that talks back to you? "Give me your sperm baby".
- Hopefully it has customisable options - different voices, a setting to throw insults at you while it extracts the baby batter, and a FF victory jingle once you've nutted.

A team of people had to design this
- Once installed, a new team of people would have to maintain it. Mechanics with biotech engineering degrees. Cleaning technicians with advanced degrees in medicine, robotics, and hygiene. Eventually an aftermarket for used jizzbots would form, resulting in cum-puter resellers and replacement part manufacturers. Unlicensed spunkdroid hotrodders overclocking their barely legal Frankenstein fuck factories for orgasms previously inconceivable to the human mind. Soon we'll all be slaves to the perpetual pussy motion machine, our minds melting into one... unnnnnngggggg... wow, that was a lot to type one-handed, where am I, what's happening? (jk but this stupid gag really got away from me!)
  
  New Lemmypasta?
- Round after round of tests and revisions, too. Who tested the alpha version? What were the issues? I’d love to see those notes.

What if I need prostate stimulation?
- HAL 9000: "Best I can do is slap your testicles, Dave."
- Ask buddy to help
- Then just cum into the jar during a prostate exam like everyone else, unless you're too good for that 🙄

Where can i get one? For research purposes of course…
- Just Google autoblow. You might have to add a stool or something.
  
  Just went to their website and that shit looks like a parody of itself.
  But for $220...

Guys, does girth similarity affect the machine's ability to jerk off different donors?
- Someone get the whiteboard...

Why is it so small though
- Asians made it?
  
  Well that took a wrong turn quick.

We need someone to replace their door handle with this

Everything reminds me of her.
- If I seem a little out of it, sorry.

See you stick your utter in the machine and it just pumps the milk right into the container, ready to be processed.

Send location

So what's the machine version of eskimo brothers?

Hook one of these up to a Sybian and let the machines fuck one another. Metaphors abound

if we had these i would donate twice a day.

So much money spent on these machines when they could just hire an on-site hooker

If they have any extras hmu

WTB

57 comments