I don't mean to be a downer, but this is a Boomer meme.
35Should it matter?
1Yeah but it's actually relatable. I wasn't even married and I went through something like this
0Uhhh, I'm a Xennial and this hits hard. I am basically paying for her mortgage with the amount of money I have to give my ex every month. She has always had zero ambition, so I was always getting raises, and by the time we split, our finances were in two very different places, so the court said I have the luxury of paying her monthly just to be rid of her.
0Only boomers have bad marriages? Or is it because someone who was famous before you were born should never be shown in a meme?
Or is it boomer because you don't get it?
-2Thinking all the shit is his instead of martial assets to be equally split. Is some wife bad boomer humor is I believe the point.
-5
When I was in college, this weird dude started just hanging around us. No one really knew where he came from since he wasn't in any of our classes, but yet there he was. He liked to tell us things like how he hated crowds and would get agitated on city buses. He told us this while on a city bus. One day, he explains to me that if you loan someone $20, and you never see that person again, you were a sucker that was out $20. A few weeks later, he asked to borrow $20 from me. I loaned it to him because why not. I never saw him again. Apparently he did this to a few of us. Still the best $20 I ever spent.
Sometimes it's not about the money, it's about what the money gets you in return.
19I don't know OP situation so I'll reserve some judgment. However, I'm really tired of rhetoric about how alimony is always some evil scheme made to specifically destroy men in divorces.
When people get married, often times one of them gives up their job and start performing unpaid labor. Sometimes neither of them give up their jobs, and one of them still has the majority of household burdens forced onto them, affecting their career and performance.
Alimony is a form of compensation for the unpaid labor and it's impact on that person's career. More often than not, when people say 'my ex wife is taking all my money', what they are really saying is 'I deserved free labor at the expense of my ex wife'.
Granted, it's possible that OP could be a domestic abuse victim in which case alimony is a whole other form of fucked up. But if that's not the case, then please stop.
19Being in a divorce currently, I have noticed a few things that aren't talked about that I think lead to these memes being so popular.
Divorce laws vary a lot from location to location, in the US they are all state level laws. Not all state level divorce laws are fair to both parties, it seems to get worse if children are involved (some states have recently been adding laws that state 50/50 custody must be the assumed starting point because it hasn't been).
Even if the divorce laws are written to be fair to both parties in theory, at least in my state, the judge has the flexibility to rule in ways that may seem or even be unfair (what is equatable is complicated).
Even if the judge would or does rule fairly on all issues presented to them, the lawyers (if the parties can even afford lawyers) may be perpetuating gender biases in divorces as well. So the issues may never even reach the judge and just be settled by an "agreement" between the parties pushed by the lawyers.
Most divorces settle, maybe even on terms that heavily favor one party, because going to trial is a lot of money. Lawyers know this and have "games" they can play. like 60%-70% of assets to one party is still cheaper in theory than going to trial for the other party, so they hold that line in negotiations and your own lawyer will push for you to agree to terms like that as a cost/benefit analysis exercise.
Even if none of that happened and it was fair the whole way through, it is a very complex emotional time, and men often don't have the same level of social support to vent to.
Telling people to stop unless they are in some level of extreme situation is really toxic. People need to vent and be able to talk about what they are going through.
3I didn't tell them to stop venting. I'm telling them not to use phrasing such as 'taking all MY hard earned money' which implies that free spousal labor is not a meaningful contribution and dismisses the value of unpaid labor that billions of spouses, mostly women, contribute to the economy.
What's toxic is how you use your claims of toxicity to dismiss the very real issues of men downplaying the importance of unpaid labor in marriages and divorce.
Venting isn't an excuse for sexism. Please stop conflating healthy emotional expression with discriminatory language, and then claim toxicity when that gets called out.
-2
Divorces are rough, but things do get better. I'm 4-5 years out since mine and I've never been happier, it was worth every penny spent.
9I keep seeing this and stuff, but being 37 before things get better sounds awful.
That being said, I'm certainly miserable right now, and I certainly can't stay that way for my son. We're just starting on the financial agreements, and lord am I going to have to change my lifestyle
4The first year was the roughest as I adapted to the new normal. The second year was all about rediscovering myself as an individual. It was somewhere during that second year that I began feeling happier, and in the years since then that happiness has multiplied.
If I can offer some advice, don't go out and make any major life decisions for the next year or so. You probably won't be thinking soundly for awhile and don't want to do anything major you'll regret once you are. Secondly don't go running off looking for another long-term serious relationship, you will need some time to rediscover who you are as an individual as people have a tendency to lose that sense of self during long relationships. I made both these common mistakes, and they're among the few things I've done that I regret in my life.
Lastly remember what you're doing is probably the best thing for your son as every study I've ever read says children are better off with two happy parents who are divorced over those who have unhappy parents who stayed together for the child's sake.
Stay strong. Your world is being shaken up right now, but things will settle down and once you're on the otherside you will likely realize, like me, that you're happier. Best of luck.
3
I hate to break it to you, but if you're watching her spend your money, she's still a part of your life 😬
5My wife left me, I lost everything.
But I got to keep our dog.
So, that's a win.
4You can really tell by the replies the people who have been through a divorce and those who have not. IYKYK
3Son, i have some bad news. Are you sitting? Ok. She migjt keep coming at you for money, and she might take you to court repeatedly with disruptive claims. The court will not care, and will not penalize her for frivolous claims. She might find a judge who will give her what she wants.
Sorry to be the bearer of bad news.
-1Shouldn't of got married if this was how you felt.
-14Shouldn't have made this comment if you didn't want to get called a retard.
4Yes because I knew the whole time we were gonna split in a couple years and she'd take half my shit.
3Except when you get married it's both of your shit. That's the whole agreement. It's shared shit. Don't like it don't enter the legal agreement, or get a prenump. Thinking you get to leave the marriage with more than half the martial assets because it's somehow yours is just some boomer sexist crap.
-2
Because every marriage starts with "I know you're gonna fuck this up, but let's do this"
I Get the impression you have a really narrow and extra chromosome styled view on real life situations you've never had to deal with, eh?
-4So, a roundabout way to call someone retarded really solid point, not toxic at all. You didn't actually use the word so it's fine.
-3
