Does anyone feel like their life is going according to plan?

I have this, and to be honest, it's exhausting to maintain.

I think that's why you see social media push back about it being a myth.

The idea of "normal" that we pretend is true started after WW2. The US was highly unionized, highly industrialized, and most other countries were either former colonies that had been gutted economically, or were European powers that were decimated by the war.

We stepped into the manufacturing void, and suddenly one income was adequate to provide for a family. That's not the case anymore. If your family happens to have resources now, you can maintain the semblance of that lifestyle, but you will probably need two incomes and will always be at risk of losing it.

We absolutely must, as a society, change our conception of "normal" and stop penalizing people for trying something new. Going back to some old ways may have benefit as well.

For example, multigenerational housing would solve a huge number of my problems. I want a kid, but I don't want to pay a second mortgage for daycare. I can keep myself clothed and fed, but cleaning the house suffers. If you have more people under one roof, then you have opportunities for economies of scale that just don't work when we all live in our own cloistered enclosures. There's more resilience in that sort of system, and we need to be engaging with ideas like this to land gracefully as the world continues to fall apart.

20

My brother and I live together. A lot of people think it's weird but it's been great for both of us. I worked part time while going to college while he footed most of the bills. Now he's a full time student and I'm paying for everything. We get all the household benefits of a married couple (shared chores, lower food bill, cheaper housing per person, mixed finances, etc) without the risks.

Success in early adulthood heavily depends on having familial support, especially from your parents. We don't have that, but together we can still pool resources and do better than if we were alone.

6
- Exactly. I don't think I've ever lived alone - I've always either had a roommate or lived with a romantic partner since leaving my parents' house. I'd like an additional roommate or two, honestly, to cut down even further on costs.
  
  3
- Seems like a nice situation indeed.
  
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This is not a question that anyone wants me to answer right now, when my wife (34) has just been transitioned to hospice with terminal cancer. We've been married for 3 years and she was diagnosed 4 months after we were married.

I wish the best for all of you.

19

That's tragic. I'm sorry. Life is so inequitable in how suffering is handed out. I hope you are able to find some way to lessen the pain.. Have you talked with anyone about it?

8
- Thank you for your empathy and understanding.
  
  It has been the hardest thing I've ever gone through. Thankfully, I've got a large support network of family and friends. Unfortunately, there's nothing anyone can say or do to take the pain away.
  
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So sad to hear...

2

Nope. Already tried to go for my dream and mostly failed, so now I'm just taking it day by day.

16

What was your dream?

4
- I wanted to be a professional VO actor. I got to do a few things, but not enough for it to be fully sustaining. Once my daughter was born, I decided enough was enough and we moved out of L.A. and back to Indiana where we came from so my daughter could be around her grandparents and I could be with those same people in their last years.
  
  So I do wish I was still doing it sometimes, but if I hadn't given it up when I had, I wouldn't have been able to be with my father and help him through his dementia for the last years of his life and my daughter doesn't have to go to a shitty L.A. school (not that Indiana schools are a massive improvement, but still better than the school where we could afford to live).
  
  And now AI is going to destroy that whole industry anyway, so...
  
  10

We're supposed to have a plan‽

12

the venerable interrobang

5
- That and the Ash need to make a comeback. Encyclopædia is the only word I still see use it occasionally
  
  Edit: and Æon
  
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12

Couple of curveballs, but looks like you are living more true to yourself. I count that as a massive W.

3

I'm not dead or in jail, so I'm doing alright. When I think about it, a lot of the things we were fed as kids was never the whole story, nor was it all true.

I generally don't use social media (outside of lemmy) because most of it is about trying to sell parts of your life to people that usually lacks context. It's great for sharing ideas and information though.

12

That "ideal" life has changed and is no longer the norm. Trying to live up to some bullshit idea that we think society says we should live is a trap.

Don't compare yourself or life to others or expect anybody's approval. Everyone has their own journey and idea of happiness. Figure out what yours is and live it.

11

Yes and no. The original plan was to just get by and "serve my time" essentially. Then I met my now-wife and decided I should aim a little higher for her sake.

At no point did I ever have a "plan", and I've been through many highs and lows (mostly lows, with respect to finances and mental health), and several completely different careers, but I've finally stumbled on something that pays well enough to fix the financial side of things.

The only advice I've got is to take it one day at a time, and try to make today just a little bit better than yesterday. Compound interest applies to life, the longer you make these tiny adjustments, the more they add up over the years.

10

25, no friends, never had a romantic relationship, barely ever go outside the door, living with my parents, still drudging through the last year of uni and still dealing with the aftereffects 1 year of lockdown had on my brain. But hey, at least i have lots of free time to stare at the ceiling.

10

47 here.. I suppose im at the tail end of the people who still had a chance. We have a house that is half paid off but that needs a new roof, windows, and flooring that we cannot afford to take care of due to inflation screwing everything up. We have 2 cars but they are both 30+ years old and keeping them on the road is taking up most of what free time I have. When we got the mortgage it felt like we had finally 'made it' and that future pay increades would allow us to remodel and modernize our 'fixer upper' but the intervening 15 years has been an escalating shitshow that has us barely able to maintain what we have in its current state. It is starting to look tempting to liquidate the house and extraneous posessions and buy an old RV and become modern day nomads for our remaining years. The only thing really preventing this is that our 2 adult children are living with us still because there are no jobs that pay enough for them to move out on their own and we are not going to just dump them on the curb and say 'figure it out' like my parents did to me...

9

I'm 5 years younger, give or take. Husband and I have been toying with that idea more and more. Liquidate it all, and buy an RV to travel in, and be happy checked out nomads.

We don't own a house, the absolute lowest rent we can find (within a 20 mile radius of our business) is $2600 a month (1 bed/1 bath), and every year Greystar and their cronies raise the rent significantly. The apartment we are in now is currently listed for right around $3k. It was up around $3200 about a month ago. It's a fucking 1 bedroom.

Food gets more and more expensive. Insurance for everything is easily $1k a month. All the "utilities" just keep going up and up, and being in San Diego, SDGE just keeps bending us over further and further. We pay more for electricity than anyone else in the country, last I heard. Fucking why?! Car payments, and petrol is hovering right around $5.50-$6 per gallon now. We never eat out because it's inevitably over $50, and sucks.

When I graduated high school, a house was somewhere in the $250k to $300k range, in an ok area, but far from most stuff (yay urban sprawl) with interest rates being over 7%. Ok. cool, in todays money that would be solid, but back then, I made less than $9 an hour. Then we had how many "once in a lifetime" financial crisis in the span of what 10 years, right after I got out of school.

Owning a business gets harder and harder each year, and more and more expensive. City and county both keep making up new shit to charge a $300 fee here, a $400 fee there, another $250 fee there. Plus, hacking, banks, and the rest of the shit going wrong, we just had $4k stolen from our payment account, and Intuit (the fucking devil, only behind nestle) just shrug their shoulders, say they aren't a bank, and to get fucked. I just don't want to do any of it anymore.

I also don't have family to help me, so I've always been on my own. Your kids are VERY, unbelievably lucky. I have asked my mother for help once in my adult lifetime, and I was told I didn't deserve it, and I got myself in the position, so I needed to figure it out myself.

I didn't mean for this to turn into a whine fest. But to answer the original question, no, I don't. I did the right things, I started a business to better my life, and while I'd say we are squarely middle class, but what I was promised as a kid absolutely does NOT line up with reality.

6

I had zero plan beyond "live on my own, away from my parents, and try to sustain that." The churches I went to as a kid emphasized getting married as soon as you're old enough and having a ton of kids, so I did the opposite and was a feral stoner nerd/wook for a decade and a half. One day I was doing a hungover stumble from my apartment back to my car and saw a guy my own age playing with his small daughter at the playground. She'd fallen off the swing and he was hugging her until she stopped crying. I still can't fully describe the feeling I had there, but I shrugged it off immediately as "that ship sailed. I'll just dedicate myself to hobbies and non-serious relationships."

Now I'm married, have a kid, and live in a house. Life's weird.

8

Yeah... mid 30s, stable healthy friendships, been with my long term partner for ten years, we have a nice house and two dogs, my career is going great, we're comfortable.

8

A house that's paid for, wife, two kids, dog, zero consumer debt, very stable job, but I'm pretty much the most miserable person you'll ever meet. It goes to show that you can have everything but still not be happy.

8

You don't have everything. You have certain things. Are they the things you wanted, or the things other people told you to want?

2
This is so true. It makes it hard to talk about too, because people look at your life and can't understand why you would be unhappy. Mental health really is a totally separate thing.

2

Mines taken a bit longer than planned but got married and bought a house with my wife. Then split up, got divorced, let her keep the house because it was near her family and nowhere near mine. Started again from scratch at 31rented for a few years and saved up on my own (covid lockdowns really helped me save). Bought a little home of my own at the end of 2021, quite small but big enough for me and it's less than a 10 minute walk to woodland, my new low stress (but low paid) job, a gorgeous park, shops, gyms and the train station. It took a while and it wasn't easy but this is the happiest I've ever been.

7

I'm 33 and I'm getting there. I have a house, a lovely wife, two kids, one car (don't need a second).

The career is finally coming along since 2 years ago. Which is something I'm particularly happy with. I was on the verge of depression because of my shitty job. I worked very hard to change careers and I'm very proud of that. The livable wage is livable, but that's about it. The future looks financially birght though.

I have to say that I am very lucky with my parents. I've never had to hit absolute rock bottom, because my family was always there for me.

As for the house and the family, it is not something I consider "the life". The house is shared with my parents and was build by my great gandfather. It's a fantastic house, all things considered, but it's also a birth privilige, so I can't say It's something to brag about. Before I moved back here, I had bougt a small one family home in a small border town with the wife and kids and before that a small appartment with only the wife. The family is just the way I like it. It is also not something I care to brag about or even share about. It just my family and I love them and that is enough.

So basically I'm all about the new and rising career change these days. I also don't care much for how others live or what they think about my life. I just try to live my life the way I (and mine) like it best.

5

Pretty much struggling at 40. Not in debt but no savings either. Parents don't have any property so no inheritance forthcoming.

Could've been worse. I feel much more sorry for gen Z and alpha at this point.

Retirement though seems out of the question.

5

People keep talking about the largest wealth transfer in history.. but that money is staying with the one percent. Normal people don't have their lives set for them based off inheritance. I honestly know more people who will be supplementing their parents retirement more than anything.

Btw is your name a reference to Kyrgyzstan?

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5

I moved out at 20, but I was privileged enough to get help from my dad until my spouse and I got our shit together. I'm always amazed by people who seemingly did it themselves.

4
That's what I did, but it was the late 1990s so things were a bit different. Married with a kid, single-income household on the salary of a high school dropout. Fortunately for me the software industry was easy to get into back then and housing was cheaper. Funds were tight for a decade or so, but it's gone well.

My kids all moved out in the past 5 years, skipped college and are living on their own with livable wages from jobs they like, more or less, and homes they own; one with kids, one renting their own place with a life-partner. Not having student loans helps, as does living in the forsaken US midwest where housing costs aren't terrible (the tradeoff being that entertainment options can be more limited than closer to the coasts. A decent one bedroom apartment in a safe area is like $900, mortgage on a somewhat crappy medium-sized house like $1200, provided you got in on those sweet 3% mortgages).

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Roommates. Lots of roommates.

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Norwegian govt gave me enough money to pay rent at a boarding school when I was 17. I earned enough in my apprenticeship to rent an apartment and have a crappy car, in a small town, for two years when I was 20. Unemployment benefit (and eggs, rice, and tomato-beans) supported me for 3 months when renting in Oslo in a shared rundown apartment with 5 other people while I was looking for work, when I was 23. The job I found, 1&2 line tech support for a small software company, wasn't well-paying but good enough to pay my share of the rent and eat a bit better, and eventually buy a car again. And my dad has occasionally helped me with a bit of money when I made a mistake. Only what he could afford, and I paid back most of it.

So thats how I did it. I've been lucky. With country, with parents, and with friends.

I don't see how people in any country can do it without some kind of govt support if they don't start out with rich parents.

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Im just happy that I wake up another day without health problems.

5

Yes, basically, except for the fractional amount of kids. Got my MSc for free (actually I got paid tuition to study, heh (living in Europe has its perks)). Now working in software engineering, happy with my life.

That said, I realize I'm an outlier, having many acquaintances with substantially harder lives. I'm deeply grateful to fate.

I can't be sure it'll last, though, so I'm trying to branch out into gardening now (while I have the money to spare for it). See if I can get a livable amount of veggies out of my farmland, some day. It won't be enough to sell, but perhaps our family could earn subsistence level of calories out of our land...

4

I'm living with my cat in a rental apartment and that is absolutely according to plan.

4

Absolutely not.

4

Hey, just wanted to say I love your sex memes

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- lol thanks, contribute please!
  
  2

A house, two cars, a healthy relationship ,a career, livable wage, 2.5 kids, a dog. ya know, the expectation many children were told in school.

I'm not sure I was ever told there was "a plan" for that, being born in 1969... and graduating high school in the late 1980's. By the time I was 8 years old, the radio was already playing: "somehow we missed out on the pot of gold"... "free to face a life that's ahead of me"... something beyond what you describe... "we will search for tomorrow on every shore"....

My personal plans in life have been consistently wrecked by the waves of power-seeking by governments, businessmen, and technology power shifts. I feel like the age of Mass Dehumanization has been underway with climate change denial, medical science denial, pretty much the fears outlined by !sagan@lemm.ee in 1995...

4

The things I appreciate the most about my life, are the ones that took me off plan and by surprise. The unscripted unexpected shit, that’s my real happiness.

3

Yeah but minus the kids. It makes a difference but it depends on how much that matters to you. For us, we figured we could do without and are happy where we are.

3

It's good that you figured it out!

I was always interested in the childfree lifestyle, let's hope the !childfree@lemmy.world gets a bit more active

0

Not really, never had a strong plan to begin with. I've sort of drifted through life on the path of least resistance. But I have a house and cars, very little stress, and a lot of free time, so there's that. No dog no wife lol.

3

Yes, I always wanted to not work and enjoy my hobbies.
I started around middle school, and first thought is to get rich. But after a research I realized this takes a lot of time and after many years I might have all free time I want. So I chosen the easier path, where I will have consistently little work with above average money and a lot of free time.

3

No

2

This made me ask more questions.

If there was a plan, who made the plans for us?

If it's a myth, why is it being being taught?

2

I am a cat person, so, never.

2

Depends on whose plan you mean. My life certainly isn't perfect or awful, I'm content with what I've got, but things could be much MUCH better with a few changes that are unfortunately out of my hands.

2

I'm 28. I have a good career, a good dog, and an affordable apartment in a great neighborhood. The cars thing is obviously very subjective; for me personally I'm thrilled that I live somewhere that I can get away with not needing to own a car.

The only thing that isn't going my way is the relationship thing. Feels like that's never going to happen for me. I've been single my whole life and often doubt that I'll ever find someone. I have ASD so the skills that most people develop naturally which are necessary to develop and maintain a romantic relationship never developed for me.

2

More or less. I have a good career (albeit one I’d like to escape if ever possible), a wife and a good marriage, 2 kids, 2 dogs, 2 cars, and a modest house.

We’re doing alright for ourselves.

2

Yes.

40 - together with my wife since we were 18. Both finished university with 25/26, got married at 28. 3 kids (boys) 11/7/3. Bought 2 flats (Europe) and merged them to one huge one. I'll own one in about 8/9 years and the other one will take longer.

No dog tho.

2

Sort of in a backwards kinda way. Made a plan 2 years ago to start something and it almost coming to completion.

But damn if I know if going work out or not.

2

What's the plan if you don't mind me asking?

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- Sorry telling it could divulge who I am. Maybe after it done I can advertise.
  
  1

Doing pretty good.

No cars because I don't need it, still saving for a flat (also, met my gf a year ago so we still have some time). Kids in a few years probably, I don't like dogs.

2

I wish I did dogs after kids, I just don't have the bandwidth to take care of them to the standard I did before.

Glad to hear you are doing well, do you ever feel survivors guilt when you read about people struggling to get by?

2
- I live in Europe, so I already had survivor's guilt during university when I learned about college debts in the US.
  
  I am well aware that I'm doing good, and I try to feel grateful for that everyday.
  
  1

Can't have kids coz dicks firing blank shots and also renting atm with a wage that I keep complaining about everyday coz I can't afford basic stuffs.

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Agreed on 2 out of 3.

1

Idk, there never really was a plan tbh. When I was a kid I obviously wanted all that stuff because society describes it as the normal objective to aim for.

Some of the things I don't have because I don't want them. I'm aro/ace and not really looking for a partner or kids. I don't have a car because it's not worth the money to me, my bike and the train manage to bring me nearly everywhere.

I managed to finish university and I have a nice job. So really I have not much to complain about. After getting mono and COVID I did become perpetually tired, but luckily not enough to stop life from being fun.

I guess it's going to plan, just not the plan that society made up for me but rather the one I made up along the way.

2

I'm jealous of your train, wish I had one

2

Never really adhered to the lifescript™. A lot of my goals and milestones I've accomplished pretty late, but that's just how things turned out. All in all my life could be a bit better but it could also be a lot worse.

1

Doing fine so far! No kids yet though.

1

I know people close to those benchmarks and they’re happy people, I haven’t checked so many boxes but I notice I’m happier when I don’t think about my life in metrics or romanticized societal fantasies like quality wage or livable of life.

1

No plan, but I'm happy and have more in superannuation than some, so I can't complain.

1

A house
-- Just purchased, closing is closing in soon.
two cars
-- completely mandatory. We couldn't possibly bus, we have two used cars approaching two decades old and we're dreading the day they croak.
a healthy relationship
-- married in July
a career
-- For me, finally started the career I wanted two years ago, after a decade of trying to become a programmer I finally am. Wife might be in a career now, she's not quite sure. She's happier where she is than Target, but that's a low bar.
livable wage
-- livable with the ability to go on vacations (mostly anime and comic conventions)
~~2.5 kids~~
-- don't want them at the moment.
a dog
-- ... two cats

I do NOT in any way feel like I've earned this. I have been saving to buy a house EVER SINCE I paid off my student loans. I dumped all my money for YEARS to get that debt off of my books and after I did, I immediately started saving. Didn't even change my living habits because they were habits at that point. I didn't even have a GF at the time. I just knew that I wanted to be ahead, because I knew that it was going to be a slog when I was finally ready to buy a home. Just like it was a slog to get into my career, just like it was a slog. I wanted to be AHEAD I wanted a good home. And after all that effort I got...

half a duplex for $305,000... Cheapest we could find if you don't count badrealestate suggestions on lemmy.

All that effort and I barely have a home. barely. We could've taken a larger loan but, shit happens. We could've been laid off, One of our cars could've needed to be replaced, We could've been disabled, We could've had our identity stolen, We could've been scammed, We could've been robbed, We could've come across a cop who didn't like our faces, We could've missed payments because Wells Fargo SUCKS and have our credit killed.

All of these things DIDN'T happen to us, so we got to purchase a house. Because if any of those things happened to us, we would've dipped into savings and we wouldn't be purchasing a house in our 30s. All of those things that could've happened were completely out of our control. (except for Wells Fargo, you can choose to not be fucked by Wells Fargo by LEAVING Wells Fargo)

So... there is no plan, only a lottery.

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There was a plan? Someone could have told me about that 40 years ago!

Seriously though, yeah, I guess. Not completely a traditional plan since I skipped the whole university and singles life part and instead went right to work, got married and had kids (which turned out great, kids all moved on to do their own stuff by the time I was 40, so now I have money and health at the same time, which would be pretty cool if I had some time).

TBH neither my partner nor I give a flying fuck about traditional anything, we just kinda do what sounds like fun and isn't too likely to fuck things up for future us. Not a whole lot of long-term planning going on over here.

1

For myself, emphatically not. Took me to 32 to finally finish my degrees, in that time my parents became ill and needed me around to help get them over the finish line for retirement. This caused me to take a job making obscenely less than I deserved for my education and capability, but it was remote and adjacent to the industry I wanted. Fast forward a few years and I am finally in a relationship worth having, finally getting my parents settled into retirement, and my partner and I find out that she has an autoimmune disease that will take her away far too soon. Still being undervalued by the same company (though they aren't profitable enough to pay me more, but have taken care of me in emergencies). Looking for new work now, but the stress of the last 7+ years of my life has damaged my heart and given me anxiety issues, so I am struggling to even be able to apply. And most recently my partner and I got pregnant, so the money situation is even more immediately relevant, not to mention the fear we both have that she won't make it to the kid's graduation. That is all just after college... before is even more of a trainwreck. The best laid plans and all that jazz.

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Having kids and needing a car would be a nightmare to me, not a dream.

ETA: Who downvoted me? A car nut or a breeder?

-1

Sorry, there was some sarcasm implied in my question. Being forced to own a car to interface with society is just dreadful..

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