I feel desirable but unlovable.
I feel desirable but unlovable.
Couldn't find any venting communities on Lemmy, but if one exists please direct me to it. I'm fairly sick right now so I could have just missed one in my dazed state.
I've been dealing with a problem lately. Technically not just lately, but my whole life, but for the past few years it's something I didn't have to worry about.
I've always been a fairly popular person in whatever circles I take part in. People like me. They like my personality. They like my appearance. My friends value me extremely highly. All that's great. But when it comes to relationships, I always flop on my face.
Some people find me really attractive but don't want anything serious. Some people do want something serious, but get scared off the second they see what's hiding under the hood. Others just prefer me as a friend and would rather not complicate that with a relationship. But practically zero people both want anything serious and find themselves able to handle me and my mental issues.
There's only been one person ever who I ever had any semblance of a successful relationship with, and that was my first ex. We dated for two years, fell deeply in love, but still in the end broke up because of mental issues making being together too painful to deal with.
I'm just so afraid I'll never find anyone. I found the first person in the world who could handle my emotional outbursts completely unfazed recently, and she just wanted to be friends. Don't get me wrong, I'm thrilled to have a friend as amazing as her. I'm just living in fear that I'll never be able to find somebody who can handle and understand me like she can, who does want to be anything more. I just want people to stop leaving because of my over-tuned emotions getting in the way.
And yeah, yeah, I know, "you don't need a relationship to be happy" and whatever. That's not the point. The point is I practically don't even have the option of a relationship in the first place because nobody can handle my deeper issues. I'm on numerous meds. I've tried therapy, and am still trying. I've done all I can on the road to self improvement and the only thing left I can do is find somebody who can handle what issues remain, and it doesn't look like that'll happen. It feels like I got a million romantic options and zero of them are good ones.
I know there's only one real solution, and that's to keep trying, and keep looking. I just needed to vent about it because the process of doing so is making me feel like shit and giving up would make me feel even worse, as if accepting that I'm unlovable.
What exactly is an "emotional outburst" for you?
There are a lot of things this could mean, ranging from more benign (sobbing) to extreme or scary (throwing things or screaming or worse)
If it's anywhere near the latter then you need to figure out how to manage those symptoms of your mental illness before you're ready for a relationship.
17An emotional outburst for me is crying hysterically over things that don't matter, sometimes accusing people of doing things without evidence because people have done them to me before, and most commonly, starting arguments in an attempt to prove to myself that somebody must really be as bad as I subconsciously think they are, so I have an excuse to leave and not risk getting hurt again.
I've gotten quite good at recognizing when an emotional outburst is happening so I can warn people I'm gonna be completely irrational for a bit, but most people when presented with "you betrayed me, haven't you?" whether or not they know it's just an outburst I can't control, still get incredibly offended and leave rather than make any attempt to calm my fears.
An example would be the fight that broke up my last relationship. They said something that sounded a little suspicious. I said that, even though I knew it was irrational, I was starting to feel like they'd lied to me about everything they'd said, because I'd been through that before, and asked for reassurance. Instead of reassurance, they became angry at me for accusing them of lying about perfectly normal things. I, in turn, snapped completely, now genuinely accusing them of being a pathological liar because they wouldn't reassure me they weren't.I can get along fine with the kind of people who can recognize that being irrational means I can't always control myself, and who are willing to just simply reassure me that my fears aren't founded, but if I'm not constantly supported in all the right ways, I will eventually have an outburst like the previously mentioned one, and most people can't handle that.
The outbursts, once again, are something I'm physically incapable of controlling. The only thing I can do is avoid the situation that causes them, usually by communicating what irrational thoughts are on my mind so they can be dispelled before they become a huge issue. I cannot, however, stop myself in the middle of one. And the only way to actually avoid triggering an outburst ever is to become a hermit and refuse to ever interact with another human. The best I can ever hope for us to have people surrounding me who know how to prevent it, and can take it when one day it gets triggered anyway. And like I said, I've got friends who can handle it fine, but zero of them desire any kind of relationship.7My significant other for the last decades struggles with various mental disorders. What you describe reminds me of us. She never really managed to get proper therapy so far as well. We've learned some things the hard way, but we're happy and solid now.
For me at least what hit the hardest was not being trusted or being repeatedly accused of betrayal. This stuff seeps into my slightest cracks and blows up my own insecurities about inadequacy. It's a good thing you recognize these episodes. Could you just pull out of the situation when you feel one coming, request alone time? Defuse it, then come back to your loved one. That's what she does. I know to respect the alone time, no matter when it is needed. It's important for your partner to be aware of your struggles, but expecting them to accurately dismiss what you express on account of issues is not sustainable long term in my opinion. It's too hard to apply and too likely to backfire.
You're popular, amazing people have already crossed your path, there's no reason for it not to happen again. So prepare for making the next one the best one.
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You cant expect someone to want you if you dont want yourself.
You also cant expect someone to be your emotional punching bag, that will always drive people away.
You need to sort out your own issues first.
I see you're on meds and therapy, you need to keep working at it.
Another option is lower your own expectations, you're not perfect so dont chase perfect in someone else. ( probably lead to long term unhappyness though)
12My bar for a relationship right now is literally just that they don't flee when I cry about something stupid, and that they don't yell at me when I tell them they're scaring me and triggering traumatic memories. Both of these things would seem like obvious things almost anybody could provide, but when I'm crying constantly or trauma is getting triggered multiple times a day, even the best people walk out, or snap. Because my emotional outbursts are triggered by constantly feeling like I'm reliving old traumas, even when there's literally no reason to feel that way. 99% of people don't have the emotional fortitude to reassure me every day that no, they didn't suddenly decide today that they secretly want to destroy my life. Presented with fears of betrayal enough times, I've never been in a relationship where they didn't finally snap and become convinced that I thought they were a terrible person. My first ex became convinced that they were a terrible person and that must be why I constantly fear betrayal. Another ex ended up calling me a crazy bitch because they thought there was no way I was constantly having these thoughts and didn't genuinely believe them to be true.
The most recent friend I made is the only one I've found who was able to handle it flawlessly. Most times, she found it really easy to simply reassure me it wasn't true, and if I crossed and boundaries, she'd simply tell me I had so I could step back for a minute and reevaluate myself. She never blew up at me. She never fled because my emotions were getting too intense. And most importantly, she never blamed herself for me having irrational fears about her. That's a rare combination to have all in one person.3That's a rare combination to have all in one person.
It's also way too much to ask of someone. It's not fair of you to expect that someone forgoes their own emotional health to take care of yours. A relationship is a transaction, like it or not. There's push and pull, each person needs to get something positive out of it and if you're spending so much time telling your partner they're a bad person, they're going to leave. Nobody deserves that.
That's not to say you don't deserve love, because you do. But it sounds like there's a lot of work ahead for you to manage your mental health and get to a place where you can trust someone in the way they should be trusted in a loving relationship.
Both of these things would seem like obvious things almost anybody could provide, but when I'm crying constantly or trauma is getting triggered multiple times a day, even the best people walk out, or snap.
This behavior is extremely exhausting for someone to manage. Your partner has their own problems to deal with too. Between work, school, children, planning meals, managing the house, vacations, holidays, healthcare, and many more things, there's so much work to be done in life. You need to be a productive part of the relationship. Share in the burdens of life to help make them easier on someone, as they do for you, instead of being another chore to deal with.
My suggestion is to continue spending a lot of time working on yourself. Learn to trust again, learn to love yourself, understand the needs of others, and understand the part you play in a relationship. Nobody is obligated to love you, but (almost) everyone is deserving of love (I say almost because there are insanely cruel people in this world).
Lastly, ALL OF WHAT I SAID APPLIES TO YOU TOO FROM SOMEONE ELSE. Anything you need from someone is something that someone should be able to provide to you, and vice-versa. Don't expect anything from anyone that you wouldn't do yourself, just as they shouldn't do the same. Find someone who wants to take care of you, the same way that you will take care of them.
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That sounds incredibly difficult. From some of your other comments, it seems like you're being really transparent with partners about your own challenges. That's impressive.
You are worthy of being loved, regardless of whether or not someone is actually showing you that love. Things can and will change all throughout your life. There's good reason to have hope. Take care.
9I don't have any wisdom to share, but good luck on your path friend. 🫂
7I appreciate the support. I think I'm just having a bit of a bad few days. Every issue feels 1000x worse than it really is right now, so I suppose the best I can do is get through it until I'm thinking rationally again.
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From the way you've described your mental health problems, I've had similar friends who have found stable, loving relationships. So there's hope, though I know that can be the most infuriating thing to hear.
6Have patience. Rome wasn't built in a day, and both overcoming your mental struggles and finding a partner who accepts you and can handle you will take time.
5You mentioned you're on meds, but how deep does the health rabbit hole go, I wonder? The body is a whole system, after all.
Have ALL your hormone systems been checked, your iron, your inflammation markers, lupus, etc?
Have you ever had a sleep study? (Do you snore?) Do you have migraines or anything like that? Are you perhaps super flexible?Any of these could be a potential lead to some relief, if you have an additional underlying health issue like sleep apnea, anemia, hypothyroidism, or the likes.
All of these can just fly under the radar for years as just fucking with your head, and most of them can be resolved with pills- supplements, antibiotics, t4, etc.
I personally identify with so many of your fears- I'm personally coming to the realization that I may not be aro ace and I'm in denial, which is scary.
But I've only come so far in part because I feel so much better after getting my thyroid out, getting my thyroid levels right for the first time maybe ever, medicating my sex hormones, and getting my migraines to some relative degree of managed for the first time.
3My physical health is constantly monitored because there are some issues there, but nobody can identify the root cause of most of them. I get constant blood tests done to check the levels of things like my electrolytes and stuff (at least I assume that's what they're checking considering they label it as metabolic.) All my levels there are completely normal.
However, I am trans (mtf,) so my estrogen and testosterone levels get tested a lot, and while they've found my testosterone is consistently exactly where it's supposed to be, my estrogen swings extremely wildly far beyond what it's supposed to. I have times where my estrogen is consistently measured as being much higher than it's supposed to regardless of how long after my injection it's measured, and I have times where where my estrogen is practically nonexistent only a few days after doing the injection. The cause is unknown and an effective solution has not been found. It leads, of course, to me being incredibly moody for no reason a lot, on top of my mental health issues. But for some reason people are way more understanding with "sorry I yelled at you, my estrogen was through the floor" than they are "sorry I yelled at you, I have a collection of severe mental illnesses." That's a totally separate vent though about how people are way more understanding about physical health than mental health even though it matters just as much.
There's a slight chance I have sleep apnea, but I've been told it's pretty low. I did do one sleep study and nothing unusual was found. I do, however, suffer from horrific migraines, and have my whole life. I also have bizarre nerve issues in my lower back and legs that only Tylenol relieves. For whatever reason, stronger pain relievers, even opiods, do nothing for it.
As far as thyroid issues, I get checked for that constantly because they run in my family. Also, I do have high inflammation markers for some mysterious reason, but no inflammation has been found anywhere in my body. I also have oddly high white blood cell counts every time it's ever been measured. They were looking for a cause for that at first, but after literally over a decade of zero positive results and more doctor's appointments in a year than there are months, they eventually just had to say maybe it's just like that for no important reason.
So yeah, my physical health is perhaps just as fucked up as my mental health. I'm actually considered legally disabled for that reason.
On a note about the aro ace thing you mentioned, I've actually been through that. It ended up turning out that I only identified as aro ace because my religious upbringing made me terrified of romance and sex. At this point I identify as biromantic and probably demisexual. It was definitely a scary thing at first indeed, but I found myself much happier once I'd finally come to terms with who I really was. Just remember that you don't have to figure yourself out all at once, and you're allowed to get it wrong as well. Nobody knows perfectly who they are, so if you have to change your labels a few more times, or even a lot more times, before you've started to find your footing, just go for it.
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Has it never occurred to you to take steps to alleviate your mental issues?
1Did you miss the part about ludicrous amounts of meds and therapy? I don't mean to sound aggressive if I do. It's an honest question.
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