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The Australian Federal Court has been rocked by a major new case, as Beef Weelington has filed a defamation suit against Death Cap Mushrooms claiming the later has permanently damaged their reputation.

The plaintiff alleges their reputation has been tarnished, with the addition of the death caps leaving a bad taste in people’s mouths.

“The case of B. Wellington vs. D.C. Mushroom is a textbook ‘He-said, Beef-said’ story,” said one federal court justice. [...]

With only around 80% of news stories in the Australian media dedicated to the Erin Patterson mushroom trial, advocates are worried that there may not be enough content available to ensure ordinary Australians know what is going on with the case.

Analysis shows that there are currently only around 600 news reports and just 43 podcasts being produced about the case per day. It means that Australians are being left uninformed, or – as one Seven News reporter put it – like a well-stored mushroom, “Totally in the dark”. [...]

“People only come to polling booths because they know they’ll be rewarded with a sausage, which is also the only reason they come to Bunnings. So it’s a natural fit"

Local man Don has told shopping centre security that he did not attack Coles by stealing an entire shopping cart full of groceries, claiming that he was simply balancing a trade deficit.

The thief announced a sweeping plan to steal 10% of all items from every store, which he claimed will help bring down the heavily inflated prices of groceries.

The nation’s ongoing housing crisis has taken a disturbing ecological turn, with experts confirming that slugs now outnumber snails at an unprecedented rate.

In inner city areas, there have also been reports of snails sporting multiple shells, despite it offering no additional protection and security. Many have also refused to downsize, leaving slugs to face the elements.

Up to 9000 people are at risk of losing their jobs because the woke left refuses to let these humble Casinos operate in peace.

See also:

• ABC News: Star Entertainment on brink of collapse as shares suspended

The grammatically confronting phrase was spray-painted by a vandal on the front of a local bookshop, of all places, leaving local syntax purists feeling threatened and afraid.

Strange scenes from Channel 9 who are copping widespread criticism for their disastrous handling of the Olympics while their journalists are on strike after the bosses were sure they don’t need to pay the journos properly.

Bill Shorten has confirmed the Government will ban access to sex workers via the NDIS, saying it is ‘unnecessary’ when so much of the NDIS is designed to fuck recipient.

“It’s inadequately funded, overly complex and under-resourced, so I can assure you people are getting very fucked, very regularly. Shorten” said. “The fucking is built into the system, there’s no need to pay extra for this”.

(title semi-censored to attempt compliance with swearing-in-titles guidance)

Australia’s long-standing modern record in the ‘5 Prime Ministers Ashes’ has come to an end, after Kier Starmer won the UK election overnight.

Many believed Australia’s modern-era feat of installing five Prime Ministers in five years and two months – set in 2015 – would never be beaten. But in a stunning performance, Britain smashed the record, achieving the coveted PM Quintuple in four years, eleven months and ten days.

Some are now questioning Rishi Sunak’s unusual decision to call an early election, suggesting he may have been trying to influence the result of the 5 Prime Ministers Ashes. “It does beg the question, did he have money on Britain winning it?” one insider asked. “Why else would he have gone so early? It looks obvious now. If he’d waited a few more months, the record would’ve stayed with Australia. But he wanted to win it”.

"I asked him a question and next [thing] I know I'm lying flat out on the ground with my legs in the air"

In calendar news, Australia Day is officially changing date after this year and will no longer be celebrated on January 26th. With a new date of January 20th chosen instead in order to celebrate the day that Scott Morrison announced his departure from politics.

The day was reportedly chosen for the holiday as it was clearly the day that Australia has most come together to celebrate, like what Australia Day claims to be.

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Australia’s number one grocery prison has announced a brand new policy stating that loss prevention officers will be granted license to shoot any suspected shoplifter on sight.

“Do you think this is a fucking joke?” sprayed a nameless executive wearing a balaclava at a press conference.

“We put in the security gates, the guards, the cameras everywhere and even fitted our creepy cleaning robots with lasers, and we’re still seeing a small amount of people who are doing the wrong thing, it’s not on!”

Woolworths have also announced 9 cents a litre fuel discount as a reward for any information leading to the capture of a shoplifter this holiday season. “This Christmas, snitches get the riches,” said the masked executive.

“Woolworths needs to be treated with the respect a corporate giant deserves,” he said, as he gently patted a baseball bat in his hands. “What we did to Australian farmers we can do to you. Don’t tempt me.”

“Our new partially trained

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