I like your perspective. As an addict in recovery, one of my mantras that I say to myself is, "you're not special!" (In the "you can't sit with us!!" voice from Mean Girls, specifically lol). The first time my partner heard me do that, they tried to correct me and I explained that I understand that I am special to them, and that's lovely. But I'm not special in the sense that the rules do indeed apply to me.
In active addiction, my sense of entitlement was intense, I think many addicts have issues with "terminal uniqueness" tbh. It's helpful for me to routinely check my ego and remind myself that life doesn't owe me shit and science does not care about my feelings lol. Maybe bleak to some but oh so helpful to me.
I agree, I wouldn't involve CPS. Their father is active in their lives, though not primary custodian. And, while I may struggle with this person, they love their kids deeply, that's one of the reasons it's so difficult, I don't think they see how it's affecting them. Then again, we all have our blind spots, myself included, I only see a sliver of their lives, my perspective is not the whole story by any means.
Wow, your second paragraph resonates with me so much. I absolutely see how trauma informs a lot of their behaviors and I think the second part of your sentence around that is very insightful. Our mental health struggles aren't our fault, but they are our responsibility, so to speak.
It's important to me that the people I care about feel safe with me and I enjoy holding space for people. I think sometimes, when I don't keep my boundaries, that space I try to hold can inspire general trauma dumping. One of them has so much hurt and anger but, you're right, it's not my job to process it for her. I still think I'm a bit of a coward lol but I do agree that prioritizing my own safety is important.
I can stand my ground pretty well nowadays but not when folks get shouty, and one of them weaponizes anger and it makes me feel wary. When I took that stand, she got so defensive that she was yelling and, at the time, I just shut down. I'm glad I'm not alone in seeing a difference between the two!
Thank you for the validation and for the link. My therapist would be clapping over your response. Y'all are helping a lot, it's forcing me to put things into words in a way that journaling hasn't quite achieved on this subject, I appreciate you.
It feels like a huge amount of effort when I engage. Like a mine field topped with egg shells. I think I got into a pattern of appeasement and maybe waiting for things to get better. I had had such a different idea of who they all were at first, I could be clinging to familiar patterns out of fear of change? Laziness? Avoidant behavior patterns? Probably all of the above lol
I went through a traumatic divorce 5 years ago and they were around to help me pick up the pieces, I guess I feel obligated in some ways. Also, I did get sober this year and they still smoke a lot of weed, it could be clarity on my part, but I also don't want to take that high horse position that sometimes comes with lifestyle changes like that. I appreciate your perspective.
I took a stand on not wanting to listen to them talk about other people in any way that was malicious or mean spirited, and they lambasted me for it. Said everyone gossips and that I was a hypocrite (and I mean, look at me right now, talking about them to the faceless internet🤦♀️).
I do think it's human nature to share news and discuss happenings, and I'm certainly no saint. I just think there's a difference between maliciously tearing people down and telling someone that your friend got an amazing promotion and your proud of them, ya know?
It's funny, my partner said something similar, that it's ok to realize that our ethics no longer align with people in our lives. I just know that I'm far from perfect myself and it felt sanctimonious to me when I first tried to verbalize it.
I do indeed feel anxious about any kind of direct confrontation with at least one of them, which, as I write this, I realize how crazy that is. I shouldn't be afraid of my friends!
One of the things that brought me to post was the fact that yesterday, one of them returned from a week's vacation and blew up my phone while I was at work ranting about how terrible everyone treats her etc. I had my phone on silent, cause work, but it was over 40 messages. Just seeing the number of them made my blood pressure spike.
It's obvious I suppose that these are not healthy connections, it's helpful to read it from others somehow. Thank you.
I have to admit, it can be easy to play on my empathy and they are all going through some challenging things. I know that's not an excuse for bad behavior though. It's difficult for me, personally, as I have some fawning behaviors that I'm still working on and one of them can be a bit of a bully.
I do feel a little ridiculous crowd sourcing opinions at my age but the combination of shared history and my impulse to help people (aka codependency issues), inspired me to get outside views. I appreciate the validation btw, and I like the idea of the slow fade. I do worry about the volatility I've seen from one of them so I'm not eager for confrontation (scaredy cat lol).
Sheesh, I must have missed the memo where caretaking a family member required making it your entire personality. Hope you and your family member are doing ok.
As a team lead who is in the process of hiring for three separate positions, I would treat any applicant who insisted on the transferability of their clearly unrelated skills as a "not a good fit" candidate. I get the importance of soft skills, and I value those, but to maintain that a caretaker can seamlessly fit into basically any job role with just a little imagination is disingenuous and a little embarrassing. I'm looking for concrete skills, not spin. By all means, put your best foot forward, just don't wear clown shoes while you do it.
Unfortunately, it looks like my mother isn't going to be able to win her battle against MBC. She's put up a hell of a fight but cancer can be a relentless beast. I'm trying to do my best this week to adjust to this new reality so I can be strong and present for her as she transitions out of this life.
Appreciate the nuance! Also fully agree on the risk all new builds carry. I'm just salty because I spent all week arguing with them about the definition of the word façade lol
I can only speak for the Southern US but, developers want to build front-loaded units in subdivisions because they are more profitable. A rear-loaded garage costs a shit ton more in materials and labor, not to mention getting into impervious surface maximums vs lot size etc. I work in permitting/zoning, it's always money, always. Heads up, y'all, don't buy a D.R. Horton house if you can possibly avoid it, the more you know✨️
She would be obsessed with my house, I totally had her in mind when buying it. She'd think I was insanely cool and hopefully feel a sense of relief that the way she feels at 15, while really difficult, won't last forever, there is a horizon. She also gets a massive hug from me, she did a tremendous job under heartbreaking circumstances.
It really is. It actually makes me sad. I'm the grown daughter of a father who sounds a lot like the person you responded to. I love my dad and it's a complicated relationship as he really doesn't think he's a misogynist, he truly believes he's just "telling it like it is."
It made me furious for years and now it deeply saddens me. He will never have the chance to truly know his daughter because he is literally incapable of seeing me as an equal in terms of basic humanity. And that is sad because I'm delightful and smart and wickedly funny when I'm comfortable with someone, he doesn't get to see the authentic version of his own offspring, what a loss...
I like your perspective. As an addict in recovery, one of my mantras that I say to myself is, "you're not special!" (In the "you can't sit with us!!" voice from Mean Girls, specifically lol). The first time my partner heard me do that, they tried to correct me and I explained that I understand that I am special to them, and that's lovely. But I'm not special in the sense that the rules do indeed apply to me.
In active addiction, my sense of entitlement was intense, I think many addicts have issues with "terminal uniqueness" tbh. It's helpful for me to routinely check my ego and remind myself that life doesn't owe me shit and science does not care about my feelings lol. Maybe bleak to some but oh so helpful to me.