I really enjoyed reading this! I liked how you managed to get a range of trans experiences into the book, and it maybe felt almost nostalgic reading it. The bit with the mares was cool too. The end was absolutely not what I was expecting!
I'll be ok, I have friends who are willing to help me if I need to get out. A few have suggested I go stay with them instead which I'm considering as well. We don't have eggnog here for me to join you with, but I'll drink a cocoa in return ♥️
Gosh I hope you find some safety and security. I really feel for you, I've slept in the cold before and it's a fear you don't ever forget.
This Christmas is on my mind way too much.
I'm nervous about my Mom continually trying to convince me I'm not trans like she's done last time I'm there. I'm also stressed she will have bought me male clothes for Christmas which I won't be able to hide my disappointment if so.
I pulled back on a lot of things, since her reaction to me telling her was so negative, and she was so upset about it. She doesn't even know my name, and she doesn't want to understand anything or listen to me as of last conversation in person... It's so frustrating dealing with a woman so viscously sodden with trans ignorance and prejudice. She was certain I would be "back to normal" by Christmas so, going back at all is partially a hope that she'll be willing to talk given the season and time it's been from last contract, but also a judgement if I go no contact with her.
It makes it tough, since I'll effectively lose all my family by doing this. I don't really have any desire to come out to the wider family, but I did want to tell some members discretely at some point. Every Christmas we all meet up, and have done for years, but I'll be losing that and instead be on my own for Christmas in the future. It makes it hard, and it makes it hurt.
Even if she's better and I stay for the week or two I usually do, I'll be boymode anyways the whole time, cause I don't want the wider family to know yet. I made a stupid agreement to not be too feminine when I was scared I was going to lose my mom completely, and I don't know how to push back. Especially since I'm worried she'll tell my dad and try to get him involved, who I equally worry will not accept me and will likely disown me outright. I only really see my dad once a year and likely only have a few years left with him. I'm not sure if it'll tell him, but I don't want to tell him yet for certain.
My mom was a good mom to me growing up, and she sacrificed a lot to give me opportunities in life I shouldn't have. I also thought I got the loving kindness and acceptance I have for others from her, but instead I was seemingly projecting. It's brutally crushing to see someone I was proud of up to tumble, and the hysteresis of memories clashing with her present day actions is difficult. I know I have to let go, and just being around her traumatizes me, but this Christmas is the best compromise I could reach up with myself. Any advice for asserting myself would be appreciated.
Don't worry, I feel the same way about our shared experience! Thank you for sharing your story, it's helped me feel a lot more confident too! ♥️
Hey, I have the same with my Mother! She also says there were no signs (there were) and that I will regret this, and that a Mother's instinct is stronger than anyone else's opinion and she knows I'm just not trans (I am!). She also sent me some "literature" (transphobic articles / videos) in the past.
I felt similar to you after being faced with such a strong rejection of self. She would say things like I was destroying my deadname's personality, jeopardizing my soul, and that I had changed. All stuff that kind of churned me up and introduced insecurities where I didn't expect them. It's normal to respond to this kind of rejection this way, and I also had very similar thoughts and worries about how maybe she's right that I'm not really trans and I'm faking it. But when I sat down and really thought about it, I was much happier trans (with euphoric moments similar to what you said), and that I finally felt free. Fortunately friends were willing to listen to me as well, and rightly point out that my Mom is saying horrible things to me.
I too regretted ever telling her with how she reacted, and how upset it has made her. But, realistically, whenever you came out she would have responded this way. This was something you'd have to go through at some point. Forcing yourself to hide who you are only becomes a harder burden, and wanting to share who you are with your parents isn't a bad thing. As a friend said to me "Just coming out is a great coming out". You shouldn't feel bad for telling them who you are, nor should you feel bad about who you are because their reaction.
Unfortunately if your experience is anything like mine, these kinds of messages may continue. I'm a scientist by trade, so I would meticulously tear down her arguments and attempt to show where her understanding was wrong, but you can't reason someone out of an emotional position. It will just cost you time and energy. "The only winning move is not to play" and put up boundaries. Putting up boundaries is something I'm currently doing, though I expect I will have to go low/no contact with her given no change. That being said, I do know of other cases where parents have changed and accepted their child, and maybe that will be the case with my Mother and your parents.
I hope things will be work out for you though, and honestly hearing that your experience is so similar to mine will help me deal with any insecurities that may be stirred up as I deal with her. We're both trans, and we should both be proud of this, and no amount of parent rejection can take that away from us.
I'm 6'6, so I have a bit of experience in this. Your waist is your most powerful tool in my experience. Aside from the tall specific clothing sections here's some tips:
First off, high waisted jeans or skirts are critical, they'll help hide some of the potential shortness of tops when you tuck them in. If they're still too short, then it's magically a crop top. If you wear cardigans and things that are a little too short, the high waist will make they seem more natural instead. You need a good fit on your waist, or a good belt to bring that in to compensate for shorter clothes.
For skirts in general, you're probably going to have a tough time getting a mini skirt if you want that, I've never found a mini skirt that fits me without showing off my underwear. Getting a longer skirt intended for short people with the right waist size can work though (reclaimed petite fits can rarely work), but generally shorter skirts are something you have to buy, and try on, in person, though longer ones can work online. Skirts can be risky buys online because we're not bell curve average bodies, same with dresses.
For dresses, you'll want to try to get tall specific ones, or ones that are longer. I really recommend buying them in person and trying them on first again, since it's a dress by dress fit. Buying short dresses generally doesn't work, and it can be really tough to get a good dress that fits the flow of your body. By this I mean the boob area of the dress is too high up, and the waist comes in too early. So it's critical that you find a dress with a good boob fit and waist, then the rest of the dress flow should work. I also recommend getting a good waist belt, so you can redefine the waist taper if required. Dresses with adjustable shoulder straps can help to lower the central point if needed, or high waisted dresses really help too for shifting the center upwards.
For most things, you'll likely find that the arms are too short from what you're used to. You can compensate for this by looking for sleeves that go over the hand, or by buying a size up so long as it isn't baggy if required. You can also tailor it to be a short sleeve instead if they're really short, or wear it with a larger cardigan with long sleeves. Rolling up shirts can also make the short sleeves look intentional as well. Wrist accessories also break up the area between your sleeve and hand, and make the fit look intentional.
For some things; it's ok to wear male clothes here as well and there if the fit is good - my jacket for example is a nice red one; it's a feminine male one that is just my size. It's tight on me to hug my curves, and since it's a bit small it lands right on my waist - so it looks intentional and I doubt people realise.
For shoes and socks, if you're like me and your size is still bigger than the tall section on specialist sites (size 13 for me) then you'll likely have to look for feminine unisex ones. I use pink converse for example. Some fetish sites might have your back though, for example I know a place that does high heels in my size, and the power I feel when I'm over 7 foot is wonderful. I was incredibly anxious about being that tall at first but, I faked my confidence until it became real. Tall Queens are born to rule and all that. Socks are socks, I like cute patterned ones, who cares what gender they are. Tights can be tough and will generally not last as long and will be a shade lighter due to the extra stretch, I save them for special occasions. Get them in tall if you want tights.
Tailoring is also a great way to make something fit as well, you can also make your own tops and things too. Adjusting is much simpler, and we're already working into a difficult space, so being able to adjust a skirt that's long enough, but just too wide for your waist is a very useful tactic.
Finally, in high women's fashion there's a saying: you're never tall enough (or something like that?). You can look at their stuff for inspiration, or to look for flow and shapes to emulate. I dunno if you're like how I was about my height, but I really recommend owning it. You're tall, you're powerful, and no one can put you down because you're literally rocking it over them.