Christians Outraged as Thousands of Black Musicians Ascend to Heaven

(Atlanta, GA) As Christians come to terms with still being on earth after “the rapture,” a day where the most holy would ascend to heaven, there is growing concern in the community as another segment of society is suddenly missing the day after.

Music studios in Atlanta, Detroit, and Los Angeles are silent, as hundreds if not thousands of black musicians have suddenly gone quiet; twitter accounts of major stars such as Doja Cat, Drake, and Niki Minaj are silent, and even Little Wayne cannot be reached for comment. Christians are up in arms, claiming that these artists have stolen their redemption.

“We are god’s chosen people,” shouted Karen Evens, punctuating the comment with her cigarette butt. “We are supposed to be in heaven. Not those people.”

But if a rapture occurred, an unexpected group was chosen as god’s faithful, and some evidence suggests that Karen is correct about the fate of these artists. One sound mixer at TJ Records, whose Manager Dig Drucky can no longer be reached, says an overnight recording session was interrupted by a flash of light, and a suddenly empty studio. “We was jammin and suddenly everyone was gone… drinks all spilled, spliffs on the ground… I had to stop the joints from starting a fire with all those clothes there. Lot of rings and chains, too… you buyin?”

Religious scholars say while a rapture is mentioned in scripture, the possibility of this being a prank should be ruled out first. They note this is not the first predicted rapture event in history.

As the silence goes on, however, some megachurch pastors have begun to worry, as each day raises more questions as to why they were not chosen.

Kid Rock was very much available for comment.