INDIANAPOLIS—In an effort to ensure only properly credentialed individuals are allowed to participate in the political franchise, a new law passed Thursday in Indiana requires all women voters to show their husband’s ID before they can be issued a ballot. “As part of our election integrity program, ...

PALM BEACH, FL—Asserting that the pair had not been close “for decades” prior to the financier’s death, Donald Trump admitted Friday that his relationship with Jeffrey Epstein was severed after a dispute over dibs on the former president’s daughter Ivanka Trump. “We had a very good time for many yea...

BRYANT POND, ME—Describing the moment as a “transformative experience” that inspired him to embrace God and read the Bible, a piss-soaked Tucker Carlson claimed Friday that a demon had urinated on him while he was sleeping. “One moment I was asleep in bed, and the next, my boxers were absolutely soa...

Billionaire Elon Musk unveiled an offer of $1 million to anyone willing to sign his birthday card, sources close to the matter revealed.

BERLIN—In a discovery that sheds new light on the infamous dictator’s last moments, historians in Berlin confirmed Friday that they had unearthed the final fundraising telegraph Hitler sent from the Führerbunker. “After unearthing the telegraph titled ‘Freunde, es ist Adolf’ and dated April 24, 1945...

The White House issued a new executive order aiming to deter migrants by stationing hundreds of socially awkward men at the southern border. Immigration officials believe the men’s off-putting demeanor and strained attempts at conversation could curb illegal border crossings by 30%.

VATICAN CITY—In an effort to make the church feel fresh and exciting again for youths around the world, the Roman Catholic Church announced Friday that it had added belief in a badass deity with a robotic falcon head to its existing dogmas. “Starting today, the church will officially recognize our n...

DURHAM, NC—The sense of doom only dawning on the canine after the Disney princess dress had been pulled over his head, local dog Pickles reportedly looked at his owner Thursday the way a mafia don looks at a once-loyal consigliere who has betrayed him. According to sources, the Welsh corgi’s quiet a...

NORWICH, CT—Excitedly running up to dozens of houses covered in Halloween decorations, local pervert Phil Jenkins, 52, reportedly went door-to-door Thursday asking for trick-or-treaters. “Trick-or-treater, please!” said Jenkins, holding a large sack open in anticipation, his costume consisting of no...

WASHINGTON—Desperately clawing at the door in an apparent attempt to get the attention of passing aides, President Joe Biden reportedly spent Thursday whimpering from inside a locked White House supply closet. Sources confirmed that while the president received repeated assurances from senior adviso...

LOS ANGELES—Calling the findings of its comprehensive survey of American workplace practices “total bullshit,” the Institute for Research on Labor and Employment issued a report Monday concluding that you should be able to retire after, like, six years of working full time. “We evaluated the data ar...

WASHINGTON — The minds behind the much-reviled Project 2025 announced new plans to capture ecological superhero Captain Planet and his trusty Planeteers in order to…

POCATELLO, ID—Shedding new light on an unfolding situation that allegedly left Mom very upset, a new report issued Tuesday through Dad’s gritted teeth indicated that you needed to come back here right this instant and apologize to your mother. “Give your mother a hug right now and tell her you’re so...

WASHINGTON—In an update that will require those sitting for the exam to demonstrate the full range of skills necessary to take part in American civic life, government officials announced Monday that a newly revised citizenship test asks immigrants to name every U.S. state where they’re not welcome. ...

Georgia father Colin Gray is facing 29 charges for his role in the mass shooting carried out by his son, which follows Michigan’s dual conviction of parents James and Jennifer Crumbley earlier this year. The Onion examines the pros and cons of prosecuting the parents of school shooters.  PRO: Holds ...

"For the mental health of the workplace, she had to be terminated.”

TRAVERSE CITY, MI—In an effort to reach out to swing voters crucial to his reelection bid, former President Donald Trump reportedly attempted to soften his image Friday by distributing airbrushed JCPenney beauty shots of himself at a campaign rally. “Here you go, these are nice glossies of the presi...

Local software firm Blackstone Limited is celebrating the diversity of the employees losing their jobs in a round of brutal layoffs, politically exhausted sources confirmed.

CINCINNATI—Moments after he frantically nailed two-by-fours across the closed door of the bedroom he shares with his wife, vice presidential candidate JD Vance issued a dire warning Wednesday, alerting the public that millions of women may vote under the influence of menstrual madness. “If they are ...

SPOKANE, WA—Stressing that the best move would be to just shave the whole thing off, sources confirmed Thursday that area man Stephen Blanchet’s shitty beard had barely any frolicsome woodland creatures living in it. “You can tell Stephen’s proud of his so-called beard, but there are hardly any chic...

BALTIMORE—In what astronomers called an alarming yet compelling observation, NASA officials announced Thursday the discovery of potential life on Mars after a giant eyeball in the middle of the planet looked directly into the James Webb Space Telescope. “We are excited to share telescopic evidence o...

CHICAGO—Realizing there comes a time when everyone crashes into a window, local man Danny Nagler told reporters Wednesday that a dead bird on the sidewalk had led him to contemplate his own inevitable collision with plate glass. “Seeing this bird’s lifeless body lying here on the pavement, I can’t h...

WASHINGTON—In an attempt to sow further doubt about the vice president’s employment history, Donald Trump accused Kamala Harris Monday of lying about having a job at the White House. “Phony Kamala says she worked in a junior position at the White House for years, but they say they’ve got no record o...

SALEM, MA — A recent change in the size of Hershey’s bars has made tampering with the candy an impossible task for resident weird guy…

KANSAS CITY, MO—Quieting doubts from supporters that he wasn’t focused enough on getting a win on the board for the Aryan people, NFL place-kicker Harrison Butker insisted Tuesday that he wouldn’t let politics distract him from the upcoming race war. “I feel obligated to push back when someone audac...

NEW YORK—Featuring nearly identical video footage in two separate $25 million ad buys, the Donald Trump and Kamala Harris campaigns both debuted new commercials Tuesday that attempt to win support for their respective candidates with a supercut of Trump’s most racist comments. The two ads—which repo...

STANFORD, CA—Concluding that the window in which to give themselves a little pat on the back was rapidly closing, a report released Monday by Stanford University found that Americans needed to cut carbon emissions by 3% in order to tell themselves they did their best. “It’s clear that as the planet ...

McDonald’s has been praised by the liberal media for giving work experience to a convicted felon who is currently looking for a new job.

Roland Gelford, a member of the baby boomer generation, made sure to have his awful ringtone set to maximum volume on his phone before going out to run a few errands, sources who can’t hear themselves even think anymore report.

With its current setting of 90 seconds to midnight, the symbolic Doomsday Clock used by atomic scientists indicates that we are, at this moment, as close as we have ever been to an imminent nuclear catastrophe. Clearly, now more than ever, we need to strengthen our nuclear disarmament treaties, beca...

PALM BEACH, FL—Claiming he had the most “beautiful and perfect” cranial structure that his physician had ever seen, former President Donald Trump reportedly took to Truth Social this week to release the skull measurements from his latest phrenology exam. “According to my doctor and everyone at the B...

VATICAN CITY—In an effort to give himself a breather after more than a decade ministering to his flock, Pope Francis announced Friday that he had excommunicated all of the world’s Catholics so he could have a quiet weekend alone. “It’s just been so long since I could take a few days to myself withou...

President Donald Trump warned citizens yesterday that “Antifa terrorists will hide voter fraud in your children’s Halloween candy” before the election.