Already planning for how to survive in jail

I used to work a shitty retail job, and there was the old guy who'd come in sometimes who we nicknamed "Magnum" (as in Magnum PI - dude had the moustache, and it seemed appropriate). I think he was part of some community watch organisation or something, and seemed to think that extended as far shoplifting prevention at our store (despite us having our own Paul Blart knock-off).

On the whole he was pretty harmless, but got warned by management a couple of times after he chased someone out of the store who he (incorrectly) thought was shoplifting. Guy seemed like he was maybe 80% there most of the time, so I guess wandering around the store cosplaying as a private detective a few hours a week kept him busy. He was a bit weird and a bit of a headache for the store manager, but I'd take him any day over the meth dealer who set up her office in the changing room or the 40 somethings who kept trying to score with the literal highschoolers working checkout

18

I talked to a guy in a grocery store once who called himself a "volunteer security guard" and I just nodded and exited the conversation. As long as he doesn't hurt anyone he's welcome to be a fucking weirdo like everyone else.

4

A few months ago, I was in a neighbor town and figured I'd visit a supermarket there from a chain we don't have, to splurge a bit on all the items I wanted to try.

So, I walk in there with a big shopping cart, go through the whole store and at the end of it, I had some bakery goods, a pack of orange juice and a can of nuts.
That also had me thinking "you did nothing wrong", because I was basically insulting the store for having such a terrible sortiment.

12

If I pass an employee as I’m leaving, I look right at them and say thank you.

10

I either do that, or make eye contact and give them a nod.

7

It’s not my fault that you fuckers never put borax on the shelves. I just want to smell and look fresh, god dammit!

7

oh shit, I feel like this all the time

6

Buying something cheap, such as a wire coat hanger, is not that hard guys...

4

I’d shoot myself in the head beforehand if I had to go to jail fr. Makes me a good citizen with ethics and all that stuff. How do you call them? Morals. I have morals

-5

Not sure where the gun came from but regardless I think the store owner would likely prefer if you left the mess elsewhere.

Also what is not moral about walking through a store without finding what one was looking for?

5
- I don’t know it just reminded me that the jail equals suicide beforehand for me and that works pretty good as a deterrent from bigger theft, drunk driving etc.
  
  Some would say "don’t drunk drive cause you can kill someone", I’d say "don’t kill someone cause you will go to jail".
  
  I only do small stuff like really small to get that illegal thrill scratch scratched. And great thrill it is indeed. I don’t even detonate random diy explosives anymore. Boring as fuck but it is the life. The days of illegal thrills are over as soon as you cross the magic 18 yo barrier and can be sentenced as an adult.
  
  Now we are all responsible boring saints who have them strong moral opinions on curing world hunger
  
  -1