7mo ago

My family doesn't like my gf (mostly vent)

So my immediate family has been very avoidant of my girlfriend of nearly 6 years

I wanted her to come to a family Christmas consisting of me, my mom, my dad, and my brother

My mom was strongly against it. Since my mom has a history of this my gf really wanted me to give her the ultimatum of she comes or neither of us come

I really don't want to rock the boat because well I want to have Christmas and I'm also going on a several day road trip with them and I really don't want to have that on top of everything else And of course my mom guilt tripped me a bunch too cause she's been dealing with her own flurry of problems

As I'm writing this I'm leaning towards standing up for my gf I'm just really frustrated and honesty just wanted to vent

I'm mostly just don't want to ruin Christmas and I just overall feel like I'm being a problem

11 comments

Do you want to spend your life trying to please your mom or your partner? Who do you come home to every day? It seems like an obvious choice.
If you've been together for 6 years, you should be standing up for your gf more imo. It may be difficult, but if the relationship is serious you need to stand up for her before she leaves you. You are not the problem, but not standing up for your partner in family disputes can be a big problem.

Sounds like you're scared to confront your mother with her bullshit. Are you a child, or an adult? Then act like an adult for fucks sake, and stop letting your partner down.
Edit: Sorry for the harsh words. Ten years ago I was in a similar situation and I wish someone gave me a reality check back then. Being more assertive will probably be good for you. Good luck.

First of all: You are not the problem. Sometimes one has to decide such stuff and take a side. That's life.
And out of curiosity: What's the reason your mother resents your girlfriend this hard? And what would you do if you were in the position of your girlfriend? If she asked you to be alone on Christmas (for several days) because she wants to enjoy the holidays with her toxic family? Your mother knows the implications of this situation... Does she want you to be single?

Six years?
Is there a reason behind the avoidance? Like, some kind of addiction or something like that?
If there isn't, you gotta make a choice. Even if there is you gotta make one, but it would be understandable that your family was resistant.
Me? Barring something major, if you love your girlfriend, you either take a stand now, or you're essentially telling her you don't really care. I'm sure you do care, just maybe not enough to make it last.
Besides, if you're an adult, there comes a point where you have to set your boundaries. You have to make the choice about whether or not your family has a say in your choice of partners. Moreover, the sooner you set whatever boundary it is, the better. Fuck Christmas, because if you don't do it soon, it'll be every holiday that you and whoever you're with is being judged, with your family's opinion of your partners mattering more than your own. This will severely fuck with any partner you have, even the ones they do like. That's just how it works until the child stands up and says no.
It'll always be your family deciding who is and isn't good enough, and that isn't something that is hard to pick up on when you're coming into it from the outside.
There may well be reasons to not make this GF your hill to fight for, I dunno. But after 5 years, if she isn't, then wtf are you doing with her still?

It's been said by other people here but I think it's worth repeating: you are not the problem in this situation.
Your mom has put you in a difficult position, and I don't think it's unreasonable for your girlfriend to ask you to push back against your mom. It's a difficult situation but it's not one you created and if your mom or the rest of your family give you a hard time for siding with your girlfriend, then that shows a lack of respect for you.

Sounds like your mother is the problem. What would happen if you brought your partner anyway?

Grow a pair and tell your mom to get over herself.

I feel like everything hinges on why your family is avoidant. Have they given a reason? It's at least worth considering that maybe there are some serious red flags you're ignoring. It may be prudent to talk to friends who know your girlfriend to see if they can corroborate any issues you might be blind to, and if these are serious issues it may well be worth reconsidering the relationship.
On the other hand, it could just be something petty, like race or class bigotry. If that's the case, you just have to make a stand. If you're serious about her, this will have to come to a resolution sooner or later.
But it's really impossible to give sweeping advice without knowing the reason.

Have much experience of this: boys marry their mother; girls marry their father.
Did everything that I could to disprove that old wive's tale. Failed.
My parents were not good people.

It's hard to know what to say as you didn't include your ages and my input would be far different if your were 20 than if you were 30.

Lmao mommy is scary! 🙀

11 comments