relationship is falling apart
relationship is falling apart
My girlfriend and I have been together roughly 4 years. Over the past two I'll admit I've been a bit complacent, i want really putting in show effort i probably showed have. Took our relationship for granted. Recently over the past year our sex life nose dived from probably once or twice a week to once a month to not at all. Granted a lot of that was caused by her depression which was exacerbated by hormonal birth control she was on. So seeking to alleviate that we took out the implant and she decided she was comfortable with getting an IUD instead and seeing if that worked. Immediately after having it put in, within a day or two, if I touched her she felt genuinely disgusted. Like a close friend was getting too handsy. She completely lost all sexual attraction to me and even hated being around me. Just looking at me or talking to me put her in a shitty mood. Within a week we took the IUD out and while there was not immediate improvement she now enjoys being around me but not be touched. I also have my reasons to believe she doesn't love me as much as she once did and is considering a breakup.
It's all just happening very fast. Her sister and I are working on compiling ways I could improve on our relationship. We've compiled date and gift ideas as well as a flowchart for how to construct a date as a surprise without giving her anxiety (what info to give her what not etc etc). I'm regularly visiting the gym mainly to blow of steam but also in hopes that I could be a bit more sexually attractive to her idk. My girlfriend and I have also talked about maybe doing couples therapy. She wants to make it work but she sometimes seems like she's gauging how I would react if we did break up. At this point I don't know what to do, I'm terrified of losing but I feel like everything I'm doing is way too much way too late.
As someone that was in a relatively sex less relationship, stop focusing on sex. There's like...a lot more to relationships than your first paragraph. And if all the stuff you mention on your second paragraph is to get to the first, then just give up now. The strength of a relationship is not how much sex you have. A relationship is determined by how much you love the other person and, crucially, that they perceive your love at that magnitude. (It's also determined by extraneous stuff like stress....so look out for that....)
And yes, I did learn this the hard way. I was in a relatively sexless marriage for a few years. Now, it's not sexless in any meaningful way. The difference was mostly her getting off birth control, but also me wanting her to know that I love her so freaking much. And a well-timed back rub without the expectation of sex can go much further than the strongest thrust of pelvis.
26Sex isn't really what matters to me, I'm mostly worried because it matters to her. We used to engage in a lot of non-sexual physical touch and still sometimes do when she is ok with it. But yeah, I've made it very clear to her from the beginning of our relationship that sex doesn't matter much to me.
9Maybe she's changed, especially with hormones it can help her realize another perspective that might fit her more comfortably. All you can do is just try n make her happy, so just identify what does that now and do your best to maximize it (which might even include just giving her space)
Trying to force anything is just going to solidify its place as a negative thing
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I hate to tell you this, but I think you already know in your heart. She already made the decision. The rest of it's just finding the right time, or the right excuse, or the right option for the next move.
Considering the sex life dived before the birth control change, it's probably not an initiating factor.
I hope you can win her back, I really do. But you should be prepared for that conversation to happen as well. So start improving yourself, don't base yourself worth on being a couple, focus on your individual skills, have your own agenda and social life, to make the break up easier if it does happen. And if it doesn't happen improving yourself doesn't hurt
18Yes, this person is right. When your relationship involves flowcharts, that's work.
Granted we don't know the rest of the story (her side) I'd agree that this relationship is over.
I'm so sorry mate. You deserve much better.
9She hasn't completely checked out. We've both agreed we want to make things work, we want to love again. We've both cried a lot tonight. The IUD definitely wasn't the root cause for sure but it made things very suddenly worse. She says she doesn't want to break up with me but she admitted it isn't something she hasn't thought about. I guess time will tell
6Good luck to you. I hope it works out.
I can only speak to my personal relationships, and when the sex slows down, and the other person's not interested... It's not that things can't be saved, but things are already over, the other person is just looking for a comfortable exit from the situation. Some people don't like to make immediate and clean relationship ends, they wait for the next relationship to start, they wait for a soft landing before they end the last relationship, and give up all the perks and benefits of being in a relationship. Like companionship, emotional labor, housing, an event planner, food, or even just the fear of being alone.
It might be subconscious, but I've never recovered a relationship from this position. I've extended it sure, but it's just more painful to watch a train crash in slow motion. Nothing twists the knife more than having your soon to be ex-girlfriend introduce you as her " friend" when meeting new people.
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The only real advice I can give you is to not take advice from a bunch of terminally online randoms. Nobody here knows you or cares about you, and they only care about the drama.
Beyond that, seek out a professional couples therapist and really listen to them.
13We intend to but couples therapists are expensive and we are both broke
3Some employers offer 3-6 free sessions through an employee assistance program. See if you have that as an option. Also, better help is a online therapy site which is comparatively inexpensive.
2I feel for you man. I really do.
My wife and I just passed 10 years ago little while back and we’ve been in your shoes. I can’t tell you what to do, but I can tell you if I listened to advice from random people online, we would have divorced years ago.
If you’re both set on staying together and working it out, that’s great and you’re already 90% of the way there to just looking back 5 years from now and laughing about the time you asked for advice on the internet and half the people told you that she was already one foot out of the relationship and you should pack up and move on.
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Wishing you the best. I didn't see anyone else comment about the thing where her sister is making flowcharts with you? Strikes me as pretty weird, and I wouldn't be down with my partner talking to my sibling about how they could influence me. That may not be how you feel about it, but could be how it's perceived. Why not communicate directly? (Essentially the challenge with every human interaction)
11My girlfriend is aware that I'm working with her sister to essentially be a better boyfriend and she is ok with it. The flowcharts are because I suck at planning things because of a mental disability
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Well, here is something you can try to get back 'in touch' and explore your boundaries and what everyone likes:
It's called 'the wheel of consent' you can print it and play it together.
BUT: I'd be a bit wary. Pushing and trying to fix things isn't always the correct thing to do. I'm a person who is often focused on problem-solving but that's not always how relationship problems or emotional issues work. It may lead to her feeling pressured and (rightfully) feeling to be 'fixed'. You need to find your correct approach.
I often don't agree to the consensus in discussions like this one. Generally it boils down to, you can either save your relationship or break up, maybe both of you can do better. You need to decide if you want to put in the effort and at which point you're going to make the difficult decision.
You can also give her some leeway. Let her find herself again. Maybe treat her if she's into that. You could have a spa day or do the things you did when you fell in love. Visit the cinema, do cooking lessons together, go to the petting zoo and feed some Alpacas.
I think the most important thing is not to weigh down on each other. Especially in situations like this. And be open and honest and talk about your issues. You have to talk a lot about feelings and emotions and what everybody needs in the current situation. Most people don't do this enough. And it isn't easy. Most of the work is talking. Couples therapy is a professional setting for this kind of thing, but you can also try to get your emotional bond re-established yourself. And it doesn't exclude going to therapy later.
Talking while emotional issues are present is obviously difficult. You need to come clean with how you feel. She has. You need a deep sense of mutual respect to listen to this the right way. Not make accusations and find ways to deal with stuff and give the other person what she wants and needs.
9Seems like I'm doing well then. Basically everything you suggested is already being done. I'm just very stressed
2I'd agree. You seem asking the right questions. Sometimes life just isn't easy. I think the main thing we all can do is make up our minds about what we want and communicate well.
Wish you the best, you're not alone.
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It's much easier said than done, but perhaps you should be putting more energy into your relationship with yourself too, not just with her. Sometimes these issues arise as a side effect of the people in the relationship not taking good care of themselves and their life. Imagine getting yourself to a place where you feel confident again and secure despite whatever might happen between you two. Working on that magnetism created by self-fulfillment and self-focus might invite your gf to feel freer and more inspired to start pursuing and desiring you again. I don't mean play games, but just create a bit of space to recreate some of the desire.
Keep in mind it might not be in your control if it doesn't have anything to do with you. Your gf might be struggling with hormones, body image issues, stress, depression. Sometimes you get used to being in a relationship and take it for granted a little too (especially if she feels like the option is always there). If you pull back from always being open to sex, create a bit of scarcity, and show focus on your own happiness and your own life outside her, it might help her to feel less stressed and find her way back to you. It's understandable to feel unstable about things and it sucks that it sounds like she isn't working on things together with you, but maybe she's just not there yet. Give it a little time and trust that you're doing as much as you realistically can for the relationship.
4+1. I agree with this advice. Specially the taking care of yourself and creating magnetism
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4Unfortunately the stuff I didn't put enough effort into was the gift giving and taking her on dates. Making her feel special yk?
3Does she put in effort to make you feel special too? If not then more is broken than just the (lack of) effort you're putting in.
3I hope you also find other ways to make her feel special. Good luck!
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You just discovered that relationships take work and she has already checked out. Luckily you are not married with kids.
4Couple’s therapy. Nothing is beyond salvage if you’re both dedicated to making it work. If you try your best and it doesn’t work out then you cant “what if” yourself later. All we can do is our best. Therapists know how to target the stuff which matters. It has helped my marriage immensely, and we were pretty rocky.
Controversial opinion:
Women SUCK at expressing their emotions in a clear way. Much more than men, despite the stereotype. Men will be direct about their needs. Women will not. They’ll communicate like they would with other women: with nuance and innuendo and subtlety. It flies right over our heads. Chances are she thinks she’s been “communicating” her needs to you for a long time, and is frustrated you’re “not listening.” The therapist will help her with her communication skills. You’ll probably be surprised by the things she’s thinking and feeling, and that’s all part of the process.
Good luck!
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