Skyrim mod I desperately need

Only if it comes with a fully voiced shield that is possessed by the ghost of a masochist who keeps getting you into fights randomly. Like calling out in front of the guard "hey! Catch that thief who stole a talking shield!" and then moans when you block.

Bonus points if it just randomly nopes out for some types of damage like fire.

The Skyrim (and before that, Morrowind) mod "Lilarcor" adds a talking sword to the game.

Old people like me will recognize that Lilarcor was a talking sword in Baldur's Gate 2: https://baldursgate.fandom.com/wiki/Lilarcor

Reminds me of that moaning gun.

stabs enemy with sword

sword: "Oh yea, I'm in that hole, push it deeper, harder!"

me: "Damn it."

Bonk

Sounds like you should play high on life, that has a talking knife that says some weirs things (more on the killing side than erotic).