Just had a nightmare 😕, I thought I was having a fight with my brother, jesus christ that felt so real. (long wall of text warning)

Its like 4am where I am, so yea, sleep schedule is totally fucked up.

In the dream, I there was argument and I don't even know what it was, and then he sounded agressive and I think he either had a knife or was about to throw something at me, then I woke up.

But like jesus christ, it just brings up my old memories again.

So like 17-20 years ago, I had a fight with my older brother, I was like 6, 7 maybe, and like idk what it was even about, he chased me around the apartment and tried to beat me, and in an even earlier instance, I remember he once tied me up using plastic zipties when no one was home. But anyways, back to the day of that fight, I remember running away from home, maternal grandmother was home, she didn't do anything about my abusive brother, my mother was at work so I went looking for her. Her workplace was like 30 minutes bus ride away, I just sneaked onto a bus (the driver didn't care), went there (I knew which bus stop it was because she took me to work sometimes) didn't find her at work, then went back home she was already looking for me (grandmother called my mother).

Those few hours were the most alone I ever felt in my entire life, if was one of my my earliest traumatic events, probably the biggest one as evident by the fucking nightmare I just had, it still haunts me to this day.

Then my mother later told me that if she didn't find me, she wouldn't really miss me that much if I got kidnapped, she would've just pretended like she only had one child. Which just adds insult to injury.

This was in mainland China, there were never any CPS or anything, there is zero social services (tbf even in the US this was terrible too)

My mother told me that kidnapping were frequent (supposedly), but the police of couse doesn't do shit about it. Idk if it was fearmongering, I don't know which words were true or false.

There are just so many narritives that I can't be sure what is the truth anymore.

She told me that when she had me, my older brother started to get jealous, since now the attention wasn't all on him anymore.

There was a One Child Policy at the time, having an only child was the norm. My older brother was about like 5 or 6 when my mother got pregnant the second time, so yea, idk what his thought process was, but from his PoV, it would seem like every kid was the sole focus of their parents, then there was us, parents have to split this focus. I was the younger one so they paid attention to me more, so he probably got jealous of the attention. That probably culminated in this toxic relationship. At least this is my theory, I'm not a mindreader.

Then we moved to the US, grandmother can't be on the same immigration visa, since only spouses and children can be added to my father's visa.

But the same thing with parents going to work then leaving us at home happened, again, this time without grandmother.

So yea, its Lord of the Flies basically.

My mother made my brother pick me up from school, in which he resented me for having to do this task, even tho it was mother who assigned this task of picking me up from school.

But I think this tauma was basically why I never made friends and was a loner all the time. My brother destroyed the social part of my brain.

And my mother also then signed me up for after school bullshit to use as essentially free babysitting. It was fucking miserable, I was barely fluent in english the first few years, so I wasn't able to make any friends. Most of the Chinese Americans peers were born in the US, so yea, language barrier.

And worst of all, some of the afterschool programs were run by Chinese Americans, so yea... the same toxic conservative culture and tiger parenting style in those afterschool "teachers" (not really a teacher, didn't teach shit, felt more like an abusive babysitter).

Then in summer, she made me go to some "summer school"/"summer camp" bullshit, also run by these shady organizations.

What. The. Fuck?!?

I had like nearly 365 days of school during my first few years of schooling, and it went from 7AM to 6PM.

What the fuck?!?

Can I just say: Fuck the Brooklyn Chinese-American Association and fuck the Chinese-American Planning Council. "Helping Chinese Americans in Brooklyn", "after school programs", yea suuurrre, what a fucking lie. I wanna fucking sue them for psychological torture. Is that too late?

So, here I am, a blob of depression and broken af.

Sorry for the rambling. Still recovering from the shitty nighmare.