Maintaining and making new friends when everyone seems to be having kids?
Maintaining and making new friends when everyone seems to be having kids?
I'm in my early thirties and adamantly childfree. I'm lucky enough to be in a long-term relationship with someone who brought up her desire to be childfree on more or less our first date. But I am not having too much luck with my friends from childhood and university - they all seem to be wanting kids, and learning of their pregnancies leaves me with a feeling of sadness. I don't hate kids and think no one should have them, and I am happy for them if they truly wanted this, but I also know what them having kids will mean - we are essentially putting our friendship on hiatus, and I still don't know whether waiting 10 years for the kids to be a bit more independent and not requiring as much attention will mean I suddenly have friends again, but somehow I very much doubt it. And I also don't want 10 years without other friends than my girlfriend. She is in very much the same situation, and while we are good at making the best out of not having kids and stressing about having them, we both would want to be able to hang out with good friends once in a while, both common between us, but also some that are exclusive to each of us.
My assumption is that this is quite common - so I am hoping someone would like to share some success stories in turning this situation around. :)
If you’re a good enough friend you’d practically develop an uncle like role to your friend’s kids. I think you’re thinking too hard about it.
41Indeed. Your friends will hopefully have family or other friends who can be on sitter duty. What’s important is you don’t disappear just because they’ve got kids.
Stick the kids birthdays in your calendar. Set reminders. Get the kids gifts. Be that uncle.
Across my family and friend group, I’m an uncle to 10 kids and I’m all of their favourite as I’m the cool uncle (it’s amazing what Lego can do for favour).
And with that, I still see my friends all the time. We don’t get blackout drunk but I see that as an age thing rather than because they’ve got kids. And because the kids know me, my partner and I are invited over to everyone’s places regularly; kids are in bed by 7 and then we get to hang for the evening.
Additionally, if you want to be the best friend you can, when a friend has just had a kid, pop over with some cooked meals (some ready and some for the freezer), being disposable cutlery and plates, and some empty trash bags, and feed your friends. Bundle the trash into the bags and take it with you. You have no idea how much a meal and no waking up after will mean to two very tired friends.
I do it every time. I aim for around a week of meals if I can (chili, curry, soup, all freezes well and easy to make loads of).
There will be a day when the kids are self sufficient and your friends will be wanting to be far more social again but if you can’t be a friend in the mean time, they won’t be knocking on your door afterwards.
Being child free is a personal choice. It’s also a choice to support those who want to have children. In my opinion, it’s the best of all worlds. I have my friends, I have no kids, but I also have a positive impact on my friends’ kids’ lives (coding, maths, science, music). It’s pretty nice.
One of those kids bought my partner and I massive German beer glasses (my partner is German) and we drink out of them daily. Kid used their own pocket money too. It’s a nice feeling knowing my world and friend group continues to grow as I age, rather than shrink.
16Thanks for sharing your experience. It seems you have found a sweet spot that works well for your life, and you sound like a good friend. I get the impression that you enjoy a kid's company far more than I do, though. I generally get exhausted around them and the stressful lives their parents lead, and I don't actually want to be a part of this. Which is a me-problem, I know. I fully agree with you when you say that they will probably not be knocking on my door when they are ready to be social again, but it sounds like a very one-sided effort to maintain a friendship in the meantime. My friends mostly move out of the city back to where they grew up as well, so just popping over with a meal is not always possible. I have myself moved elsewhere for work now, partly because the number of friends still staying in the city I lived in before had greatly diminished.
I used to go on mountain hikes with my best friend from my childhood once a year (we've already lived in different cities for a long time, so we haven't really been hanging out for many years), but he's awaiting twins anytime now, so it's going to be at least some years before it will be possible for him to even consider spending any vacation days on such a trip. I used to have yearly cabin trips with friends from university until they got all got kids approximately at the same time (during COVID). They now go on kid-friendly family vacations together. I used to frequent restaurants with a fellow foodie. We sometimes still do, but it's gone from maybe once a month to once every two years. It is these kinds of relationships that I miss.
10
That uncle role is not something I am looking for, though. I am after adult relationships, and it is the loss of these I am saddened about. For the record, I do not blame neither the parents or especially their kids for this change. They do not owe me a continued adult relationship for our entire lives. It is completely up to them to pursue this life, and as I said, I am happy for them as long as this is what they really wanted, and I agree that their kids should be their priorities once they have had them. But so far, in my experience, the kind of relationship becomes completely different. For instance, my girlfriend and I were invited over for dinner to one of my close friends from my twenties, his wife and their two kids. After we left, we were both left with a feeling that we hadn't talked with them at all - we were interrupted constantly by their kids seeking their parents attention. Some parents handle this better - I know others who are better at setting boundaries for their kids and teaching them to not interrupt and wait for their turn, but the interactions with them are still very different - their lives almost entirely revolves around their kids. I was once involuntarily part of a conversation regarding the color and viscosity of kid's shit.
When I reread my original post, I realize it could be interpreted like I want to somehow get things back to how they were before. I know they won't be, and it's not what I meant. I was simply after real stories (i.e. not imagined solutions) of how people in a similar situation, having experienced a similar loss of close friendships, ended up with either new, great friends with a similar outlook on life or anything else that improved that part of their life.
14I'm sorry to tell you, the real solutions to keeping friends after they have kids are what you've said you don't want. So, for you, it looks like you've already decided you don't want to be friends with people who have kids. That leaves you with a much smaller pool of people and in an age bracket where it's much more difficult to meet people.
Maybe try finding hobbies that don't have kids in them.
8
My dad best friend and his wife are child free. When my dad started having kids they continue to see each other regularly but instead of going out to restaurants or bars the friend was "inviting my parents for dinner, in their own home".
So he would come home with food, prepare dinner for us. It was a great way of doing it.
3If you’re a good enough friend you’d practically develop an uncle like role to your friend’s kids.
Why do you assume that this is good, desirable, or a condition to continue a friendship?
-1I don't like kids, I have a few friends with kids, some of them really like me, if it were up to me I'd prefer if the kids they didn't even know I exist.
That said, I value my friendships with their parents. Having a good relationship ship with their kids means my friends get to stay in my life. If I don't have a decent relationship their kids, that limits how much I can see with my friends, and if I'm particularly rude, antagonistic, etc. toward them they may choose to cut me out of their lives entirely. It's a matter of whether you like your friends more than you dislike kids.
If your dislike of kids outweighs how much you value your friendship, I think that can be a valid position to have, but it should probably also raise some questions about whether you value your relationship with your friends enough for it to be worth continuing, and/or whether you have some unresolved issues with kids that you may need to address.
If I never had to see my friends' kids again, that wouldn't bother me one bit. If I didn't get to see my friends for years, that would bother me, and for now at least, my friends and their kids are going to be a package deal, so in my case it's an easy cost/benefit analysis. I value my friends more than I dislike their kids, so I'll tolerate their little crotch-goblins.
8
Go to their house and hang out even when kids are around.
24The problem is, everything literally will revolve around their kids. Want to get together and watch the game? Sorry, all day cocomelon party on tv now. Want to sit around a fire and chat? Sorry, too dangerous for the kids. Just want to sit and chill? Sorry, the kids will be running through the house screaming. Want to hit the new, trendy restaurant? Sorry, we need a place with chicken nuggets on the kids menu. Want to just have a conversation? Sorry, the only thing they can talk about is their kids now. Want to just get together? Sorry, I’ll have to hind time between the playdates/dance/gymnastics/sports/whatever the kids have scheduled.
Sure, maybe that isn’t always the case, but it often is.
10This hasn't been my experience with friends with kids. They're mostly babies and toddlers right now but I mean a kid can be supervised around a camp fire. And most kids are in bed at like 830 and then you can hang for a few hours of adult time. It seems to me that they get enough of their kids and are happy to talk about grown up shit for a while when I see them. And any of my friends who like sports have got their kids watching sports with them since they were tiny. Those kids know the hockey game is staying on.
Its a bit harder to hang out but honestly I find I see them as much as my child free friends. Its just hard to find mutual time off in general now that we all have jobs and live apart and shit.
It'll be easier for them to get baby sitters when the kids are a bit more selfreliant when they're a bit older too. But you do have to get some child free friends too, like not too many of my friends with kids are going to be hitting up too many music festivals with me for a while I reckon.
8
Wait. People are people even if they have kids?
r/Childfree is not going to like this...
6
Deciding not to have kids is a reasonable decision. Often having them is not a decision at all.
I have two in their early thirties. It required a lot of work back in the day. I can totally understand why someone would not want to do it.
Live your life the best way possible for you.
10I agree with the other commenter, over time you'll be the (hopefully) cool uncle who comes to visit.
Friendships grow and change, and these are going to be big changes. I won't sugarcoat it. You are going to see them less. They aren't going to be the same friends where they may have stayed out late or hung out for hours on end, those days are pretty much over - for several years. (They may join back up later when the kids are more grown, but it's going to be a while). They have kids and truly those kids will be their priority (as they should be).
For you, be available to them, know that you are still friends and make sure they know you are still friends, just know that it's evolving a bit. You may go over to their house with their kids to grab a beer, and they will probably be frantic. For you, don't be afraid to branch out from that group. Go out to drinks with work friends, join a club, whatever. They are still your friends, they're just going to be much less available.
6Kids are a complication but not a wall. It's hard to be friends with folks who are busy without kids let alone with them but the once a month lunch you go to get means the world to them. Sometimes you just have to be cool with hearing, "I can't because...." a lot.
As for new friends you gotta go and do stuff, you have to put yourself in a place where you are just enjoying yourself around people doing a thing first. Those folks might have kids too but they have carved out this one evening to do their thing and you can be there to enjoy it with them and make friends.
Honestly I'm saying this a bit as an affirmation because I struggle with the same thing of not having a deep social pocket outside of friends who moved away or had kids
6I have some sense of where you are coming from. I remember having mixed feelings when a friend of mine said they were trying to conceive with their partner: happy for them, but also sad knowing the friendship would probably change, and bad for feeling sad.
I also have to commend you for understanding that you need friends beyond your boyfriend/girlfriend. Not everyone understands this!
3You seem to be in a situation where your current friends will be less available, leaving you more room for additional friends!
Find or continue a hobby (on your own or with your partner), meet some people, make some new friends.
Also, don't abandon your current friends. Keep talking to them, remembering their birthdays, etc. Keep trying to do stuff together, but just respect that their schedule will be heavily restricted and do your best to work with that.
Your parent friends can focus so much on how the kids are doing, that having someone who cares about how they are doing is also extremely valuable; be that friend!
2Most people of that age group raise kids. This has been normal for as long as humans exist. If you derive from the norm, you simply have to live with the consequences.
Turning onself into the pink monkey is not always a good survival strategy.
-3Has nothing to do with diverging from the norm. If OP had kids he’d have the same problem. If anything it would be worse because he wouldn’t have time for anything other then dealing with their kids.
3What a poor contribution to the thread... I am well aware of the consequences, and I am highlighting one specific consequence that I am seeking advice on how to deal with. I am specifically asking for stories from people who have had good success either maintaining adult friendships despite divergence in lifestyles, or establishing new adult friendships. Your comment brings nothing to the table.
I interpret your last comment as "going with the flow" in order to "survive". If that is a strategy that somehow brings you fulfillment in life, good on you. I am very comfortable with my choice of not having kids, but as with everything, there are trade-offs, and I'm just looking for ways to navigate those. As the commenter below pointed out: the situation would be worse if I had kids myself, as I would anyway have to forego the kinds of adult interactions I've described (and am missing), and I would instead rely on enjoying the new type of children centric interactions. I sincerely doubt I would.
2