1y ago

Unsure of the future with my current fiance.

So I'm not sure if I can or should continue my relationship with my fiance or try to fix things. We've been together for two years now. When we first started dating they said that they were working on finishing their masters degree but they have not done so. They also said they'd be going back to work after they finished their degree. They have just been running through their savings and staying at home. They do most of the chores but the house is often a bit of a mess. Now they're saying that they want to wait until after kids to go back to work. My family also thinks it is a bad idea to marry them.

33 comments

After kids? After kids are born? After kids move out? Are you expected to be the sole provider for the entire family until then? What job will they get without having finished their degree?
It's extremely common for people to struggle finishing their degree, especially when they question their viability in the job market. You two are partners in this, and if they expect you to provide for them, then there needs to be a conversation about expectations. If you love them, talk about what they want out of life, what they want to do as a career, and whether they are studying what they want or if it's just stalling getting a job.
This doesn't have to be the end of the relationship if you want to make it work. But it is a major red flag if they expect you to pick up their financial slack.
- After kids are in school. They're expecting full support during the whole first years of kids.
  
  So, you're thinking 5 years before school, plus another year of pregnancy, and you said "kids" plural, so add another two years between them, and you're not married yet. That's like 10 years before your partner gets a job, and you're paying for everything?
  
  Do you currently have kids together? What is the timeline for these things? Its a lot of time to have two people living off of a single income especially if you two aren't married yet
What do they say when you raise these concerns with them in a constructive manner?
- Cry and make excuses.
  
  Are they receiving therapy? They may have depression, anxiety, ADHD, or something similar going on. These all make it hard to achieve one's goals even when the intention/desire is there.
If you are to the point where you are asking strangers on the Internet if you should stay or go, I think you know your answer.
Their behavior reminds me a lot of what I did when I stumbled into my depression. I can't really give you advice, but this might not be what they want to behave like. Especially what you wrote about their reaction when confronted. Not to say what you should do or that you should stand with them through this, but maybe it's a possible way to find a solution. Maybe not, I'm still struggling after several years. This isn't something that'll be magically over once you start taking medication. Whatever you decide on, decide for your best, not theirs. This is hard, I know. But at the end you're responsible for your well-being in the first place. Kids and pets are the exception, but as hard as it may be, partners have to come second.
Clearly your partner is going to be a house spouse, and maybe will pick up a hobby job at some point in the future, but not one with any stress or time lines.
Are you ok with being the sole provider long term?
If not, then you might want to find another partner. If yes, then make peace with your spouse's ambitions yet inability to execute.
- I'm not ok with that. It's just not really feasible to live off one income these days.
My advice is to run for your life.
- I think that's how my family feels as well.
They aren't your partner, they're one of your children.
Either get comfortable with that, or dump 'em.
Are you having two fiances? Why do you say they? Is it to not show gender?
I think it's funny how it becomes intentionally confusing and unclear who you are talking about. :)
- Are you having
  Yeah maybe you're not the most qualified to poke at the writing of others.
- Are you having two fiances?
  "Do you have two fiances?"*
- Literally didn’t even notice until I read this then went back up and checked the post lol. Not confusing at all imo
- How is not pointing out their gender making this confusing?
  
  When talking about child rearing there are some gendered expectations. Whether there should be is a different story but currently there are. But besides that gender is mostly irrelevant in these stories but can be important. Age is generally more important for these kind of advice.
- Why do you need to know the gender of the partner? That it not important to know, nor does it matter. This just tells me you have preconceived notions about how they should act and want to formulate your response based on their gender. And if any of the post is confusing to you, you just have poor reading comprehension. :)

33 comments