I played it a long time ago, but still recall how the way of open fist and closed fist symbolized I guess concepts
Closed Fist, was a philosophy selfish desire and domination with the ideal of only the strongest getting to make the rules
Whereas open fist was selflessness with the ideal that one's strength is only as strong as the weakest link
The morality was binary choice with the environments changing somewhat accordingly, but I recall it having a more noticable effect on the "kung-fu" you could learn and it was an interesting mechanic to try and match one's fighting style to the philosophy one follows.
I recall open-fist felt more disciplined and "soft" in its impact whereas closed-fist had a more viseral feel with the intent to cause harm and show superiority
Although the choice was either open or closed fist it did leave a stronge impact on how different the ending sequence played out which at the time was something I really felt impressed with as the difference in tone during the last moments - showcasing that both paths can achieve the goal.
I think Mass Effect probably had its early roots, in regards to morality system, from Jade Empire with influence from KOTOR as well.
On one hand I sort of dislike doing this because it's a reminder of my failings, but on the other hand I am not sure what do either
A major pillar of support has decided to cut ties with me and it not something I can hold it against them as they have their own lives and when I recently decided to share my troubles it became too hard to deal with on account that they couldn't help me and fear that they are only making things worse.
My latest round of issues has been identifying with the long standing issue of loneliness. It is something that I have sat on and thought about recently as a root of a lot of my issues. I am isolated with feelings I am sure go back as far as childhood. I don't know how to maintain friendships, I have developed unhealthy habits that suppress who I am and overwhelm people with all the stored up misery when they get close.
It scares people away and because of it I have to force myself to suppress the person I am, which has and continues to lead to a feedback loop which further perpetuates the cycle.
I feel I only have one long standing bond left and even then I am careful to control what I say and do and avoid contact in an attempt to perserve it.
I used to be able to communicate with some people who I shared a common interest with over discord but cannot do it now as the hand me down pc I received after my old pc broke has trouble with real-time communication as the audio is heavily distorted and delayed
I feel alone, isolated, helpless, worthless.... insert self depreciating adjective.... and I stuck in this really bad mindset that has me feeling trapped, literally and figuratively
I cannot afford professional help and when I tried in the past to get help through the local clinic I became disenfrachised by the treatment I received as it felt that I was a "functional" case that drug use was enough to treat (mentioned conditions Anxiety, Depression and ADHD with an an off-hand remark of possible Aspergers, but never received an official prognosis, much less a diagnosis) - with them not really giving me any answers or support - other local lines were just as useless as they are both made me aware of how overworked they are and provide far too general advice to issues which results in me reserving myself and not addressing problems knowing that they aren't really listening.
It feels like because I am not a stark raving lunatic that it not considered that my mental health is at a point of concern.
It is always text book do this or do that and do not take into account the mental barriers I have developed as coping method, which is not so much coping as much as trying to keep up appearances.
An example, which I am not even sure if it even makes sense is : if I do not have a immediate reason to, I do not go outside.... an immediate reason primarily doing something for someone else's sake... which leads to me not going outside much at all, I cannot mentally motivate myself a reason to do something for myself.
Other advice I have been told tell me to be to selflessly kind and to show love and it will be returned, but my experiences trying have only led twisted failures as it brings back memories of opening myself to others and having it being taken advantage of and leaving me more bitter as a result. I believe my younger self attempted to embrace those values too readily and the real world was eager to correct the nail sticking out.
Which I believe has lead to a desparate desire to form bonds, as a form of self-correction from the attempt to avoid connections from the perceived pain it brought and in doing so fall victim to unscrupulous individuals that take advantage of it for their own benefit and even when I found people who not intentionally malicious, something still happens that ends up causing pain.
It is like have developemed a twisted moral code around what I assumed people want from someone to have - honesty, loyalty, integrity - and the values being destroyed as one is confronted with a world running on hypocrisy run by the status quo and then questioning why people are like they way they are as the perceived most sucessful make use of deception and selfishness to make use of people for their own self interest without consideration for another. Throwing others away the moment they get what they want.
It hurts to put trust in others and then being hurt, especially when they take pride in their self-indulgence whether they intentionally do it or not
I think the person who decided to cut ties came to the conclusion that I was, To quote from the video https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=5L1sJ99jklc at around the 6 minute mark, :
"being so desparate to change yourself, but being unable to communicate those feelings. It can make you latch onto people in an unhealthy way, unfairly placing the burden of change on them when they can't help you in the way you want"
was something they probably thought they needed to do. That and mentioned that they feel like they are walking on eggshells and that I was scaring them - not in a physical violence sense but more in they are concerned of me "losing" it and them being caught in the crossfire.
I do feel there is more to write, but I feel I need to try and contain the "Pandora's Box" from opening full tilt everytime I write ... so I guess I am just shouting into the void as I feel emotionally mixed ( ranging between numbness and anger) from losing yet another person from feeling overwhelmed in loneliness and expressing myself to another who has context to what I feel, but ended up relying on them too much
The video had a good example on how important voting in a functional democracy is, as it applies pressure and weakens the grip of stronger "keys" as the ones in charge must try to balance self-interest with survival. It also shows how this power can also be used against itself as those in charge try to manipulate the system towards a desired outcome.
Also thank you for confirming what book the video is based on
I assume the video is based on "The Dictator's Handbook" https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Dictator's_Handbook?
The video, helps for me, conceptualise the rationale where one sees some of the decisions that take place in the world.
Makes me think past an individual and questions how an action is targeted for a result.
A video from 7 years ago by CGP Grey that talks about how democracy and dictatorships run and I find it an interesting look at the general politics and how it effects how a country is run when compared to today's landscape
[Indubiously] Forta would be filled with pride knowing that. [Bewildered] Imagining having to script all of Hamlet with all that pretext
To be fair the greatness of experiencing Elcor Hamlet was intended to be seen through his actions not emotions.
[Regretfully and with much sorrow] One cannot truly experience it in its 14 hour splendour
[Restrained Optimism and sadness] It will be a different game considering the people behind it and the aftermath of the trilogy. [Wistful Contentment] Having the next Mass Effect have some grounded world building and, if need be, mix elements to a compromise of old and new
That is fair, I prefer renegade femshep as well. Jennifer Hale, for me, does her renegade lines with more menace and she carries authority better.
Male Shepard, I feel, does the vulnerable moments well, especially in 3... maybe it is a bias in the display of male lead vulnerability. I feel like Mark Meer does the more meme-worthy comedic moments better.
Generally I lean towards light hearted paragon MaleShep and badass renegade FemShep on voice preferance
Jade Empire, takes me back. Great game and had a nice morality system that effected how your character developed with skills and how the playable character interacted with the world and how it had a strong effect on type the ending that would play out.
Also thank you for the link, will have a look
Disppointed there are no insert
Greedy Corpo:
"Aah yes, 👐 A.I. 👐 we have dismissed those claims"
Jokes aside, at least in regards to Mass Effect both voice actors bring something to the game for me
Although, I admit female shepard is consistently better throughout the triology, male shepard has his charm as Mark Meer improved on his performance throughout the trilogy. The human element can do much to elevate a weaker performance and in its own way leave a stronger impact, at least for me.
It is a grindy game, eventually you will need to make use of platinum ( premium currency) to unlock slots for warframes, weapons, pets or to unlock skins and convenience items like forma - which can be farmed but fully completed ones are a rare drop and to build 1 takes 23 hours- ( item used to allow great customisation of frames and weapons and resets forma'd object back to level 1) and there are a few other things spending platinum on mostly for slots, but that is in spoiler terriority to mention.
One can farm stuff most of the stuff if you have the time and patience, besides the "prime" version of mods and weapons and warframes.
Prime stuff is essentially the "best" version of something and considered "best in slot" for the space it takes( prime mods are a bit more complicated in regards "best")
The prime mods one gets from a trader that pops up every 2 weeks and exchanges currency that is earned by cashing in prime parts for currency and use the currency to buy from the trader.
Prime warframes and weapons are rotated over time and put in a "vault" when its time has run its course. There are a few primes that not vaulted, but for the most part one just has to wait if they are looking for a specific prime.
Platinum can be traded for items, but is probably best to trade platinum on the unofficial market site.
Generally it is a good game with good gameplay, but is very, for lack of better word "gated" by a lot of timers and daily caps that either the impatient can use premium currency push through either by buying the stuff they want or speeding up the forging process
It is probably been said, but roll with the failures in disco elysium, sometimes the failures bring out a better result. It systems do a great job commenting on your decisions and whether you do your job as a cop or not, it still drives across a very human story
In regards to a game with a good story, I can say OneShot surprised me. It breaks the 4th wall by having you be the character that guides the protagonist through the world as they wake up in another world and go on a journey trying to get back. Simple graphics and one has to read everything, but by the story's end was I left feeling some emotions in regards to its conclusion.
Had to look it up to check its dates as a kid they only sold rip-off NES machines here, but the oldest game, i enjoyed playing, I found by date was Dig Dug, 2D game where you dig tunnels to get to all the enemies and defeat them by what I can only describe as throwing a bicycle pump nozzle into their mouths and pumping it until the enemy pops like a balloon.
There is the usual like Super Mario Brothers, Contra and I recall playing something where I think Diddy Kong throws barrels and "mario" has to avoid it to save the tied up princess behind diddy can't recall the name
There is also Bomberman, Lode Runner, Double Dragon( specifically 2), Arkanoid, Ice climber (co-op) and a game I really enjoyed called Operation Wolf
Oldest original game is most probably Pac Man, but prefered the "3D"-like one which allowed pac man to jump in the maze which is newer.
Edit:
My bad, oldest game played in 2024, hmmm, Heroes of Might and Magic 1
Renegade Shepard can be pragmatic on the Tuchunka incident although that requires a commitment from the player through all three games to have been "renegade" on their choices on the matter - sets in motion events where your choice saves one, but ultimately ruined another's future.
Renegade Shepard does feel less screwed around with as their demeanour "demanding" respect, and mass effect 2 onwards refocuses renegade away from stupid "evil" choices and leans heavier to a " ends justify the means" with a slice of self importance and arrogance
Tldr:
Having too many cultures that have not established a "market share" in politics makes the, people who run a country, job harder as it has to contend with dealing with the potential of new cultures forming and the inevitable culture clashes that follow as differing values and ideals will demand different things.
It fractures and dilutes points of control which encourages politics to try ensure loyalty though aligning itself with views of the majority.
End tldr
Unironically, Stellaris is probably a decent example of the thought experiment played out. Unless a species is built with ideals of the intergration and/or has its proper foundation set then it can quickly spiral out of hand as you have to deal with " a hunded voices asking for one thing".
It is far easier to control and secure a foundational majority based off of one species as it can be more easily guided towards an established outcome.
Adding too many "outsiders" has the potential to cause an imbalance and a shift in thinking which then requires a new paradigm to "herd the sheep" as it were, while still trying to maintain a standard that the base species has become accustomed to.
If it not carefully controlled, it can potentially lead to a fracturing of opinion and thoughts which is a lot harder to manage and "guide" as one runs the risk of isolating one group and in doing so opening up the potential cascade of problems if the ignored minorities builds up steam which then forces leaders to contend with trying to figure out a way to maintain control over the many species bases while still doing it in a way that causes the least amount of disruption to their control.
To be fair, the farmer should also be given some credit for taking a hit and evading others to provide distraction for the Captain to get stuck in.
Cyclop's poor judgement to not focus of the greater threat to its demise
It was quite a while ago and I currently have too old a pc to get back in
Had to do some reading and it was the Meph's Tileset, but was discontinued on account of profiting off the use of assets without creditation.
https://archive.org/details/dwarf-fortress-47.05-meph-tileset-v-5.5
Seems like a link to the archive of the tileset although I am not too sure how to apply it as recall just utilizing the Lazy Newb Pack settings at the time.
A story I love sharing from an older version of the game and unfortunately the only one that I kept track of as I was left stunned at the result.
A forgotten beast Cyclops decided to pay my dwarven city a visit, so I sound the call to seal the city as I let the hunters act as a vanguard to get my dwarves inside. Unfortunately, the cyclops makes quick work of them and I only just started getting my military in order after getting my iron production started.
So here I quickly assign one of the early recruits to the role of Captain of the Guard, in the role of delaying the foul beast while I scramble to get a militia going to drive it off.
Little did I expect for this single dwarf to not only stand up to the cyclops in single combat but brutally kill it too.
I know cylcops are fairly low on the danger scale, but still to watch and read the logs as this greenbeard dwarf digs into a forgotten beast like I am reading a God of War fanfic was glorious.
Hope this cross-post works
https://lemmy.world/post/927104
Although, if I had to think of beginner tips - knowing the keyboard shortcuts help a ton in getting familar with the game and one can use the "enter" key until you get use to it
I personally learnt by using the starting scenario of the shelter to get familiar with getting the basics of water purification, food sustainability and crafting going and camped out in the shelter and get my crafting up to scratch.
I know that I started to enjoy taking advantage of the weaker zombies in the early game and try and find a small town and try clear it out for a nice cushion to get one up to have a lot of raw material on hand, but that is more when one is more confident in the ability to handle zombies and found a style of play one enjoys
Edit
There is another one on the !cataclysmdda@lemmy.ml instance, but it is not my post but here is it is https://lemmy.world/post/1796938
Noita, a precedurally-generated fully destructible, with physics, pixel-graphics action rogue-like game where you play as a mage going through the various layers of a dungeon with the use of your spells that one can spell mix and match with a wand system that can provide the player with interesting and wacky spell combinations.
CDDA, takes awhile to get comfortable with the controls, but it does scratch a certain itch once one can get setup and start to test one's luck in search of the good stuff.
One has to make their own objectives for it though otherwise one can sort of just get to a point and not know what to do. But getting to a point where you can just walk into a city and be the most dangerous thing there does have a certain charm to it considering the journey getting there. It certainly rewards exploring though as one can find all sorts of craziness hidden away waiting to be found.
I know it is cliche to say but it took me the longest time to really knuckle down and play it, but boy once I did - I basically started up another playthrough right after to see what I missed and the shift in perspective when I played a different type of character was interesting to say the least.
So started as a skeptical intellectual who had to pull themselves from a sorry cop to a regular cop and approached things logically with a touch of eccentricity and pangs of regret and then compared to a wishy-washy communist with fascist leanings (which characters called the character out on) psychic superstar cop with an alias he truly believed was his name and I enjoyed and saw a completely different side of the game which was unexpected.
I cannot speak on the rest of the series, but I have played devil survivor 1 and 2:
Devil Survivor 1 does have a bit of a difficulty curve that can take one by surprise with the first major boss and it is like priming the player towards what to expect but its story I personally enjoyed.
Devil Survivor 2 is lighter in tone, well compared to the Devil Survivor 1, but I felt it was a smoother experience - doesn't feel as tightly packaged but it does compensate with having a better presentation and provides choice in a lot clearer manner.
I liked Devil Survivor 1 story better but enjoyed Devil Survivors 2 gameplay more
I can fold my ears twice - so from the top of my ear I fold it towards the bottom of my ear and at the point where it folds I can fold it again across over the first fold.
A blog space where I share my personal opinions and views when it comes to video games. I write about games old and new in a means to express myself.
Just finished uploading the last of my reviews on Firaxis' take on XCOM. In the link, is the page of the 5 games reviewed.
Hope whoever reads it - enjoys
Good day
I would please like to ask for suggestions for first time installation of linux on an old pc that has recently come into my possession
It is
Pentium 4 3.4 Ghz (2 cpu) 2 Gb Ram 1Tb hardrive Onboard graphics 128 mb
I have been looking at Mint and I am assuming that the Xfce Edition would probably be the smarter choice, but I am curious to know if I could use something like Cinnamon Edition and will it run smoothly hitting at the minimum spec of 2Gb RAM. Is their other alternatives that provide a good exprience for the limited resources as I decide to take the plunge?
Last review for the month. Seeing as Adventure Mode for the KitFox Version is coming out next month, decided to do a write up for it
Cooked this up after seeing a picture of a certain Yahg and could not resist
I just wanted to express gratitude to those that helped give that little push to just blog what I feel and go with it. I have gotten to the point where I have published my 20th post today.
Although I do feel my blog site needs work, It has at least made me more confident to try and push my work into social networks by uploading posts of it on Mastodon and using my old Facebook as well. It is giving me more confidence to try "market" it I guess.
Still trying to figure out my schedule and most likely going to look at my least viewed posts and bring them up to the standard of the ones that got more views but overall I do feel better about myself while doing this expression of self
So with that I give a Thank You to the community 🫡
So I have thinking about Reapers and how they like to intergrate technology. Spoiler tagging, just in case for anyone that has not completed the trilogy.
Sovereign:
spoiler
-
To me seems it was the created or integrated Protean Reaper tasked with proving its value by starting the reaping cycle. I say this as Soveriegn nails that Prothean superiority and arrogant attitude. It could also be an interpretation of how a prothean sect failed to control Reapers and instead joined up with their beliefs or were "corrupted by the code". Perhaps an Illusive Man parallel.
-
Could also contribute to how Reaper-Saren had an overload perhaps? In its arrogance it diverted too much energy trying to do many different tasks, including trying to stop Shepard and in the moment it was defeated it couldn't handle the concept of losing to an inferior being which caused a logic error and subsequent crash.
-
It also played into the "God Complex" with the Geth, which seems very on brand with Protheans
Collectors
spoiler
-
Considering how they are cloned, it could have been another Prothean sect that was big on biosynthetic augmentation and attempted to survive the Reapers by trying to "hijack" a relay and escape to the galatic core and there finding the husk of some other cycle's attempt at constructing the Crucible but failed. Not knowing that by them integrating "Reaper-based AI" code that it would corrupt them and over time lose themselves to Harbinger's Will.
-
I say this as the Collectors only have one ship and how easy it is for Harbinger to interface with the augmented Collector General and Collectors. Interesting in how the Collector general seems confused once harbinger releases control - could also be that the general came to after being mentally dominated for who knows how long.
-
interesting how quick Harbinger is able to drop the charade of the starchild when it dismisses Shepard when they refuse on the Crucible in a similar manner to how it abandons the Collector General.
-
It is an interesting parallel to Cerberus and Collectors as well with them trying to integrate flesh and machine with Shepard, Project Overlord, not knowing the books, but I recall someone named Greyson as well with another Cerburus incident and also with attempting to pass through the Omega Relay and using any (advanced tech that in all likelihood has Reaper-Tech integrated) Collector Technology they find - although intended less for survival and more for dominance
As I wrote in the title, it is just me coming up with some conspiracy while thinking on it in my spare time - anyway it is all in good humour.
Thank you for coming to my Westerlund News Talk
;tldr
Find something you enjoy and try and capture it in a way that you can look at it and appreciate what you do, I mean you might not appreciate it but it can be something that gets all that built thoughts out into the open so it is easy to see with one's own eyes.
I know and understand it will not work for everyone but I still hope it can be a positive contribution from my own experiences and I can only hope it can be useful for someone
End tldr;
So I have posted a lot and it felt a bit selfish always using the service but not really contributing.
I don't know how long I can keep it up, but over the past 2 weeks I have been trying to blog a video game article every day on my personal blog. I mean I should space things out so that I don't burn out of course, but so far just doing the writing has helped me not be overwhelmed with thought.
Perhaps it is a distraction, but I do feel less social anxiety as I am branching out more on Lemmy and try to engage with people more and I think for that is good thing.
I don't know if it is good advice or not, but for me it feels being able to express something one really enjoys in what ever way that one is most comfortable with and then being able to reflect on it - in my case writing and then going over it and then being able to say I completed something when I publish it - has created to me a, I can only assume, a postive feedback loop.
I write this as I am someone that enjoys being social but is incredibly socially insular, and in writing the video games blogs it is making me feel more comfortable trying to branch out as I "empty my head" so to speak.
I made contact with the friends I felt ashamed of being a detriment to the group and explained my situation, stating I would communicate every now then via posting but be unable to communicate via voice
I even made a Mastodon account, and although I spent most of the day trying to figure out how to write and learn about correct # usage while stil building up the courage to use because I have never been big on social media before, I finally got around to post to share my blog online and I built that courage by myself, which I however small is an achievement to me considering I have always felt I cannot do things without someone else's help.
The help I did get from going to a blogging group is to just not care what other people say and write for myself, create something I want and over time I can make it better and refine. Just so long as I am doing something that is a good thing. If nothing else writing can be for its own benefit and that has a reassuring comfort for someone like me that is incredibly harsh on myself as well.
There is probably a name for this, but I guess in absence of other choices, this is almost like therapy for me in a sense. I still do strongly recommend that those that can should seek professional help though
Source: https://knowyourmeme.com/photos/471147-mass-effect Uploader: Daft Punkjet
Not sure on the the origin, besides providing where I found it.
On the scale of paragon and renegade, I think the most memorable moments I have had with Mass Effect is being a Renegade with Paragon-like ideals - especially with Sole Survivor.
What I mean by this is being a renegade but try to push for paragon like outcomes - so making use of intimidation to obtain something usually obtained via persuasion, taking hard stances on those that wish to exploit and profit off unethical research, while still feeling strongly about preserving the rights of a species to exist.
Some great lines comes from both renegade actions and the contradictions.
By the time of the trilogy, I head cannon it together quite nicely as a Shepard feeling like he is always forced to make the hard choices, being someone struggling with survivor's guilt, and internally is conflicted with the consequences of his actions and tries to do better.
This self-enforced burden has made them a bitter person, but not an irredeemable one as the personal moments help peel back the bravado and exposes someone really struggling to keep their shit together.
Hi, I just started trying to blog (video games opinion and I suppose it could fall under reviewing as well) and I feel a bit overwhelmed thinking whether it feels "correct" or if it is missing something.
Currently it is just writing with pictures with it linked where I took it from on the title text option on the images and the publishing that.
Is there any sites or resources one can recommend for reading?
I am more than willing to read any advice anyone would like to share as this is still very new for me.
I am using Blogger, so if there is any tips anyone would like to share in regards to the platform, I am also willing to read those as well.
Tldr:
Seeing lemmy posts about Disco Elysium reminded me of something that resonanted with me and its been bubbling wanting to get out and the other topic feeling lonely and isolated from friends due to hardware failure and a growing sense of low self worth and loneliness with some introspection.
: End tldr
First off I want to preface that I am going to be using a game and I guess how it emotionally resonated with me when I tried empathasing with the main character.
The game in question being Disco Elysium.
Although I myself cannot directly place myself in the shoes of the protaganist the game did catch me in a lot of moments where I am in a situation and just think "damn, that sounds like me" at times.
From the commentary of being a "Sorry Cop", that I have tried to move past in my life ( being someone that used to say "sorry" a lot)
To the many different examples of falling into a line of thought or idealogy and being exposed to the idea that maybe I might be inclined to ideas because I have been hurt and in that hurt I have lashed out mentally clawed onto these ideas less from thinking clearly to maybe it just makes me feel better to identify with something to try forget about the pain.
A part in particullar resonanted with me in the first run through the game where the protaganist talks to their ex-wife, it resonated with me from a moment in my life where I mentally fell blindly in love, was rejected and come to the realisation I was being used.
It isn't an exact situation from any stretch but the emotion of wanting someone and wanting to get an answer and seeing that he felt he was not good enough, really hit home in a different way from how I usually have ruminated - mainly because I expressed but never had anyone to empathise with being felt betrayed and abandoned.
In a weird way, I could empathise with the longing the character had and how painful it coukd feel, at the anger I have carried in me and how I could feel that anger in the character. It was like "I know this, and I know how you feel" and the game explores this with the destructive( and the potentially destructive) behaviour the character goes through in the game.
When I played it a second time I really went pretty hard into the worst emotions I felt during those times and it was I guess eye-opening to see the self-destructive behaviour from the outside where the character was a philosophical mess embracing many different philosophies falling in with facists and communists, the uncomfortableness of almost making a little girl cry, catching that in myself in that moment and really feeling bad exposing a child to the ugliness of the world when they express a world view with their child-like innocence.
And what really sealed the deal in making take a step back and think on things is when the protagonist has genuine heart to heart with other broken people and then just hitting right through to a root cause that
"Hey, that person really messed you up didn't they. It's okay and maybe your life is a mess because you cannot forgive yourself and you doing all these wild things, believing all these ideologies because you feel hurt and you do all these things to try replace that pain with something, anything that can make you feel better"
It just hit differently feeling personally called out but not in the way that they reprimand and ridicule you but just in a way that says "hey the world is fucked up, people will do fucked up things, things will not always work out and we all carry baggage."
Isolating yourself and trying to carry the weight of the perceived world on your shoulders can lead to self destruction and ruin, but when people genuinely listen and, even though their situation can be similar or worse, listen with sympathy and understanding that one can start to take steps to heal oneself.
I guess seeing news of Disco Elysium around Lemmy sparked the memory, but yeah even though things are not great for me and I feel myself falling back into my isolation as events that was planned to improve fell through and my personal situation not getting better with things I also planned to use breaking down as well.
In regards to the breaking down of things was my computer which one could argue was the thing that was keeping my sanity in check somewhat probably in the same vein I suppose an addict uses substances to deal with issues if I try be honest with myself.
On the other hand it was a lot easier to communicate with people but when it died, I tried communicating with the mobile device and unfortunately the earpieces are kind of trash with it having degraded audio or static while communicating also on top of the charger cable breaking and having to playing round robin in the household with a single working charger.
With the events just piling on in a negative momentum, I think I feel incredibly lonely and low value because that is how I feel around my peers when I cannot engage with them when I feel I bring nothing to the table and feel like I actually make the experience worse
When the pc was working I attempted to make videos, however every time I tried I would be bitterly disappointed with my own voice and it would demotivate me from further editing and attempting to create.
I suppose with the forceful break from it I guess deep down I really just wanted to make videos to be recognised and acknowledged, however I hated the content I was trying to make because it felt lifeless and phoned in. I guess I was so focussed on trying to be "perfect" that I just made myself more unhappy when I couldn't do something I really do enjoy doing but feel incompetent in trying to get that across.
This was all very loaded again, but it has been building up inside of me for awhile and I really needed to just write something otherwise I feel I would stubble down into the "madness" pit.
What is everyone's preferred general weapon loadout before getting the high end tech stuff ( i.e. Laser Weaponary, Bionic weapon, etc..)
Summarised I enjoy using:
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Melee -- Loaded Stick ( bludgeon weapon and works nicely with specific weapon martial art) -- Kukri ( Cut weapon, nice with a good martial art and decent accuary for "knife" weapon)
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Depending on ammo availability I take 1 secondary and 1 primary
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Secondaries -- Glock 19 ( modability, gun and ammo availability) -- FN Five-Seven ( good penetration) -- Sig P226 (personal preference)
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Primaries -- M4A1 (ammo and gun availability, good mod profile) -- M14 EBR ( Decent all-purpose Marksman Rifle)
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Throwables -- Throwing Knives : 3 to 12 ( depends on loadout, silent, reusable and can cause bleeding) -- 2 Molotovs ( Emergency crowd control, building demo) -- 1 Grenade ( homemade or military grade, emergency use)
I do use other weapons and switch it up when situation demands, but for general purpose exploration and loot runs I can rely on the above loadout to handle most situations to my personal preferences.
I would like to preface there is some foul language and potentially dark musings that I am going to express...
If it is beyond acceptable measures and rules of the group I understand I accept it being removed.
I am really trying to win a mental battle, but I just can't win
I am engulfed in negativity, surrounded by voices of negativity, my past haunts my negativity, and feel my future is going to lead just to negativity.
I am a broken shell of an individual that doesn't want to be broken but nothing seems to break me free from my mental prison.
I have tried to keep it under control, but recently seems I am in less control than I feared.
An ex recently came to me via social media to ask for support for the difficulties they are experiencing in their life and in conversation something from the past came back to surface, which later seemed to be but a metaphorical vent in volcano as they wished to wipe the slate clean.
This gesture seemed to reverberate with a painful memory which is associated with an even greater painful memory sphere. This soon erupted into a tirade of expression that brought out the suppressed emotion of the greater memory sphere. This I thought lightened my burden and to try make up for my outburst tried to reconcile with selfless support, however a day after a conversation seemed to snap an even greater repressed emotion.
I was not hovering between panic attack and tears, but tears and emotional numbness, this continued until a point it seems my unconscious mind put a stop to it as I reached a point where I couldn't feel any emotion anymore, like I had just administered drugs. My body was just dead to emotion and tired and just empty.
It was like even soul was broken and just had enough and put a stop to it. All I felt like doing is just lie down and try and sleep, like some husk of a person just run bare. In the morning, the back of my neck sore and I felt empty still.
This individual undergoing their stresses has since pulled away and removed themselves from my life as they have their issues to deal with and I am too heavy negative presence to deal with.
The tangled web of suppressed fear, disappointment and anger is so ingrained that I cannot see anyone that would have the patience to untie it... I could never afford the amount of therapy to get help for this and even if I could I am so jaded by never finding any progress or answers that I fear all I will do is waste that money if I tried.
I say this from going to university, and seeing the student councellors and probably of the 10 or more I saw only one had any inkling of providing an diagnosis and another help conceptualize a slightly better outlook. The rest was trying to tell me my problems aren't my problems, seek religion, or just write down what i say.... every single one I seem to address a new issue almost like I was just trying to unload the accumulated burden of the past.
I will give acknowledgement to those that tuned down my most violent thoughts.
Although this is by and large ancient history, I believe the wellspring from which my deepest hatred, pain and fear comes from is the betrayal of someone I put naive trust in. It was the straw that broke the camels back and imprinted in me an incredibily destructive scar upon my psyche.
I acknowledge that I took their attitude poorly and acted in way that should have been acted upon sooner. But this wrong behaviour led to a day when this individual showed a group of people where I lived, which is with my family.
This action snapped something inside of me, it invoked an incredible surge of hatred. To punish me for my actions I could accept, but the thought of hurting my family for my actions was unforgivable and swelled me with an incandescent rage.
I say this as my brother is mentally disabled and the thought that he could get hurt for my actions fueled an anger I do not think I have come close to yet. This burning rage was always present waiting for a strike that never came, until under advisement of her mother said I should just write a letter out and just get it out my system.
My trust and naive constantly mocked as we worked in the same environment as she would loudly speak about her recandled flame with the boyfriend that had cheated on her come back together, with him even coming into the store on occassion where they make a public display of things.
The letter I wrote scathing and fully expecting reprisal... i wished to paint a bullseye upon myself and myself only
My mentality was that of a death seeker looking for one final violent defiant release. The day did come when I was threatened and I know fight or flight kicked in as I was filled with addrenaline, happy, eager, waiting for the first strike to be thrown. This was done while I was working and everything in my body felt happy to finally have this moment. But the moment never came and only threats for after work reprisal were given..
The addrenaline past, and my higher functions kicked in and soon realised what the fuck was I feeling, when finally confronted with release I was feeling eager smiling at the opportunity...but when it past that part of me scared the living bejeebus out of me.. i fell into a panick attack as I had no idea what the hell is wrong with me.
It was at moment, a part of me was scared I realized I wanted to live. The thought of what i was willing to through with was horrifying, that anger, that rage it scared me something fierce.
Just writing this makes my heart beat fast and hard like a constant knock at the door as I lie in bed.
I tried to seek some help but it was the before mentioned free university student services and that was met with mixed results.
But it seems this pain, this learning experience scarred me in the way that I was too stupid to process the real world and in doing so I almost caused so much hurt for someone regardless of the outcome be it in my death or the death of the ones threatening me.
I tried to to move on, but every attempt fails, always always something happens that draws me to the pain
I was incredibly lonely growing up, so much so I would go mad and feel like my head woud explode from the pressure, physical pressure of trying to make sense of it all. All the while I needed to hide my pain, my actions my thoughts to not make my parents feel that they raised 2 mental disabled children.
From that point on people that I would come close to would take advantage of my kindness, my trust and this further eroded my pysche, I tried to move on, but behind me was an every growing baggage that would get heavier and heavier to carry as each successive people would take more and more from me.. and add to this seeing such messed up things happen with people around them and it just made the problem worse and worse.
It my problem that I got so desparate for some form of affirmation that the only people I seem to draw were the wrong type of people...
I mean this type of behaviour was going on for awhile with various levels of betrayal and anguish even before the fateful tipping point, but as I wrote before that the point where I got so angry was a point where I felt the ever downward spiral take a free fall
It effects every part of my life and with every failure just seems to get worse and worse
I cannot even see myself worthy being anyone's better half because I am too broken to fix.... to try is to delve into madness itself and I cannot expect anyone to have the mental fortitude and patience to dig through so much filth. This even in the face of being told I have examplary morals, I just cannot be anyone else's burden.
I even have been told before to seek a priest to rid myself of the demons.
Somehow I have found a way to make friends, even with repeated faliure, I somehow have met individuals that are cut and above the usual pieces of shit human being I seem to have seem to associate with, but I am trying to keep this mess of a human being out of it. What I have shared is to a point I believe palatable to average consenus of the group and I never or want or expect them to provide support in my mental battles as just having "decent human beings" to be in contact with is a treasure.
I have other issues where I do not have a voice to correct the wrong assumptions and standing up for myself when I feel that I receive unfair treatment in a respectful and dignified manner and tend to keep quiet, but that would require another long and exhausting write essay and I am just drained after writing this.
I apologize yet again for language use and potentially dark tone, but I did try to compress this to not go into too much detail, as I have a terrible habit of writing too much and hopefully this more palatable.
But yeah, if I would surmise I am a broken person haunted by a past that holds onto me as a means to protect myself from myself but in doing so makes my life incredibily miserable and any longings and aspirations I have is such a broken concept that I feel whatever I do is doomed to fail and only bring about more misery and pain in an endless self-perpetuating cycle of failure and regret that I feel that doing anything is pointless as it will only lead to having me needing to deal with even more stuff that perpetuates the unending cycle
I know this unhealthy, I know it is wrong and I know I need help but I cannot see anything really helping this it is more than needing drugs as all it will help with is regulation and chemical balance, but my mind is a shattered broken mess that no amount of drugs can ultimately fix, maybe make the house keeping easier but there is some foundational problems I know is the root causes but all help I received is from the freely available sources and those sources all seem confused about is the problems because they have just best guesss so far and feel drugs will fix things.
So recently I have come off experimenting with mutagens and took the boring, but resource intensive alpha mutation line to post-threshold with bionic character as a means to test how mutagens work.
Seems mutagen effects can be guided to better outcome by responsible dosing and letting the body heal after mutating.
Mutated:
- Good hearing
- Prime Stat-boosts
- Robust Genetics
- Very Beautiful
- Very Little Sleep ( from Less Sleep from video gaming background)
- Weak Scent
From my understanding when undergoing mutations via mutagen the most effective way is to prime the mutation via primers which act like a storage for the mutagen and for quicker results use a mutagen catalyst to allow the game to draw mutations from the storage of mutagen primer.
I was fiddling with mutagen dosing via normal mutagen and then primer, primer then mutagen and took things very slowly to see the effects.
Everytime you mutate you incur mutation damage, the more you mutate in quick succession the higher the mutation damage value rises. Higher mutation damage increases the chance for bad mutations.
It seems one primer is good for about 2 mutations with a mutagen catalyst and any further mutations fail as there isn't enough "mutation vitamin" to mutate more.
Post-threshold can be risky as you have to macro-dose primer to "overdose" on the "mutation vitamin" to force mutation but seems that the post-threshold advancement uses a lot of said vitamin
Overall, either my experiment was either super lucky or just being very methodical produced my character with all the positive mutations and no negatives, robust genetics help and fortunately alpha evolves that pre-threshold as that quickens the heal rate of mutation damage it seem.
So after many failed attempts, and just outright going to last save automatically done - I present after 20 days the "Chimera" mutant idea that is illiterate... raised intelligence to 5 and used bombastic perks to raise it to 6 because low intellegence is painful to level stuff. No mutagens yet and looked up chimera traits and added
Strength 11, dexterity 10, intelligence 5, Perception 10
Self-defence : Krav maga
Traits: fast learner, fangs, long fingernails, quick, robust genetics,terrifying, fast healer, night vision,substance tolerance, tough, bad temper, ugly, chemical imbalance, genetic chaos, illiterate, weak stomach, strong scent, high thirst, sleepy, fast metabolism
The character has already killed 1551 and wiped out an orc camp with fang and claw no problem.
Once saprovore mutated then food problems dissappear as I just eat whatever I come across in houses regardless of what it is, water can be annoying but I am sure that if I lab raided enough and push for post threshold chimera I could get "eater of the dead" then I can drink water from anywhere and eat any kill for food
Using magiclysm, mind over matter and xedra evolved
I am not targeting any group, race or religion or whatever, just an observation why does it seem that freedom of speech appears to invoke an image of a defence to be an asshole?
I get it, free to speak your mind and all and sometimes hard truths need to be said that but is the concept so out of whack that people have less empathy for others that they don't agree with that they antagonise another to the point of disrespecting the right to dignity?
It seems like humanity is hard wired for conflict and if it isn't actively trying to kill itself it seems to find an outlet for violence some way somehow. Maybe it is social conditioning or just some primal urge that makes humans human.
I don't even know where else I could ask it, and it seems kind of stupid to think about so... have at thee
Will future generations look at how big corporations do business today like drug dealers - have a product and then try and hijack the brain into continuously wanting or using said product - like how medical herion and cocaine were used as acceptable medical treatments in , I hopefully, assume ignorance
I mean maybe it won't matter in the future, but was thinking how today's society seems to be in an "addiction" culture. I mean in a sense that research is done into how to keep people engaged and hooked onto something to control how your brain perceives things and then profit off it like some drug dealer making their drugs more addictive to retain and expand their client list.
Writing it I feel like some conspiracy nut calling corpo - drug dealers, but I look at these monetization schemes, manipulations of "big savings", data harvesting and manipulation and how actions are taken to narrow one's view towards a specific option.
It all seems like it tries to draw you in and then once its got you tries get you to "do one more hit".