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Transfem @lemmy.blahaj.zone
Blahaj_Blast @lemmy.blahaj.zone
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What is something you wish you knew sooner, or what is something that would have helped you earlier on in your journey?

Any general advice? Don't try x, or definitely look into y? Be aware of Z?

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68 comments

  • That my desire to be cis passing and just blend in would go away over time, and that ultimately I'd start to find it like another form of closet that I'm stuck in.

    I don't know what that means I'd have done differently, but I know I'd have thought about my options more

    26

  • Cis person with many trans friends who experienced the same kind of problem, hope it's okay for me to chip in.

    The advice I wish I could've given them is that it's okay if it takes time for you to understand how you want to present your gender, or if you go through a few identities before settling on one that feels right for you. One of my best friends, when I met her, she was masc presenting non-binary and using they/them pronouns, then she considered herself a binary trans woman for a while (and started medical transition), but that wasn't quite right yet, and now she identifies as a non binary woman. I remember each of these internal transitions caused her a lot of grief because it meant re-coming out to the world, and she questioned the validity of her own gender.

    If an identity or a way of presenting to the world is a stepping stone to something new, it's not necessarily an "incorrect" label if it helps you along the way. And even if something is incorrect for you and doesn't speak to any version of you, that's chill, it doesn't diminish the significance of the version of you that you feel comfortable being and presenting to the world, no matter how long it takes to find the point you're comfortable in.

    I had another friend who stuck with a name that she hated for like a year, because that was the name that she'd told everyone when she did a big coming out and she felt weird "retconning" that. When she eventually stopped torturing herself by sticking with a name she came to hate more than her dead name, she picked a new name and did a small "trial run" amongst her close friends for a few months, to be sure that this time, her name felt right. She told me that she jumped into the name and the personal style stuff too quickly, because she had started HRT and figured she'd had to come out soon anyway, so she needed to have a complete idea of the woman she'd be from the outset, which led to the premature name choice.

    And speaking of style, one of my transmasc friends lived for most of his life identifying and presenting as a pretty archetypical butch lesbian. Shortly after coming out, he went through a phase of trying to be a super manly man, because it turned out that his gender presentation was already pretty spot on for where he wanted to be, he just wanted the world to change how it viewed him (in his words, "genderqueer soft boi, rather than spiky dyke"). He explained to me that from the start, he sort of already knew he didn't want to change much about himself, but he felt obliged to mark this as something different from the flavour of gender non-conforming he expressed before, as a lesbian.

    The core theme here is feeling pressured to do or be stuff that isn't true to oneself, and I don't think I'd even call these stories "mistakes". A lot is going to change, and the world will look very different to future-you in ways that you can't currently imagine and that's not a bug, that's a feature. It was a rockier journey for some than others, but all of my trans friends are in a better place now than when they started, even if that wasn't what they expected. You'll be facing a lot of pressure from so many sources, whether that's the trans community, shitty transphobes or well intentioned cis folk, and it's not unreasonable to need time to properly process it all and figure out what you want.

    Just try to be kind to yourself throughout it, even when the world makes you feel like you should be more than what you're able to be - especially then. You don't need a crystal clear understanding of The Plan (Tm); sometimes a vague direction away from or towards something is enough to get you going.

    24

    • You are not the first cis person I've seen giving advice and and this is phenomenal advice, especially for not being personal experience! Thank you very much! I will keep all of this in mind.

      I do wonder what brings those of you to check out these spaces. Do you come in from "everyrhing/all"? Or hang out here specifically?

      6

      • Hey! Nice to see you again! I can't speak for the Artificer up there, but I started on .world, found my main spot in SFFA because it leans into my interests, but I kept seeing blahaj posts everywhere and generally do like the vibe. I've got an account on this instance because I have accounts on a lot of them and just hop around when I exhaust the new stuff in one of them (And kinda of because I still don't fully understand the fediverse. I'm not super technically minded). I don't curate my feed, I just keep it on All to give me a wide net for interesting stuff to read in the mornings.

        I've spoken about this before, I'm a gender abolitionist, but I know that society isn't there. That means that some groups need the support that society at large doesn't give, so I try to speak up and help out where I can in my limited scope. In general, I think everyone should have the support they need in life to be happy. And I want people to be happy, so I do what I can and speak up when I can. And blahaj.zone just seems like an overall good place with nice people mostly just trying to have some fun and support each other. It's a great and wholesome support network here and it makes me happy it exists.

        6

      • In this case, I came from everything/all, but I do tend to subscribe to/read some trans communities, because I think my life and I, as a person, am better for having exposure to trans experiences and trans people.

        For as long as I have known that it was possible to be transgender, I have considered myself a trans ally. Unfortunately, for a long while, I was a bit of a wet fart in that respect, because I didn't really know how to be an ally, besides enough vague lip service to assuage my conscience. I try not to blame that past version of me too much, because I hadn't had much exposure to the world at that point, but bloody hell, I'm glad I outgrew that person. I want to keep growing.

        And not just for the sake of being a supportive ally (or better yet, an accomplice). Understanding how different people relate to sexuality and gender has infinitely improved my own understanding of my gender, and how gender functions in the wider world. I have never felt more in touch with my gender and the truth of my womanhood than when I am in a truly queer space, where identity and expression can exist independently. It's liberating beyond belief and I cannot state how much my life has improved for the existence of trans people and transness more generally. Intersectional understanding has helped me to be a better feminist, a better disability advocate and a better person.

        Also, trans memes are 🔥🔥🔥, so there's that too

        1

  • You need to dress for the body you have instead of the body you wish you had.

    (In day to day life anyway)

    18

    • On a somewhat related note, I've read that hrt changes the distribution of bodyfat. Is that true? Less on the belly and more on chest and behind, like any other woman?

      6

  • Don’t expect to get gendered correctly by strangers until you’ve been on HRT for a while and are actually confident in how you look

    17

    • On one hand, that would probably make me not want to come out until everything is perfect, but on the other hand... Yeah, that's not healthy either, is it

      7

    • That actually makes a lot of sense. Depressing, but understandable.

      6

      • It just sets you up for disappointment. Boymoding is important especially if you live in an area that’s unsafe for trans people.

        Tempering your expectations and avoiding the obsession over your Dysphoria is important. You’ll get there in enough time. I think most trans people end up passing eventually, and most of those who don’t usually still end up happy.

        4

  • So far:

    Essentially everything that would have told me a few years ago that my wish to be a woman was REALLY not something that cis-people experience and what the actual diagnostic criteria for gender-dysphoria were.

    I was SOOO close to getting it about 10 years ago, it’s mind-boggling. Like I talked to other trans-people I knew at the time about how I suspected that I was trans, I read up on the topic and in the end stupidly decided that all my issues were only that I was lonely and that the only reason I wanted to be a girl was because it would have made dating so much easier and that that wouldn’t translate into dating as a trans-woman.

    I mean, yes, this was a real problem I had, but there were so many other signs that it was not just that and I completely ignored that cis people would not respond to that problem with the wish for a different gender. It’s really as stupid as it sounds, and it cost me very dearly in so many ways.

    12

    • Early on(first couple weeks of realizing) I had some similar thoughts, not about dating since I'm married(added to the confusion) but yeah we don't have other people we regularly talk to or hang out with. I had a lot of back and forth. But I think it was enough of those "Yeah sis, you're trans" memes that started solidifying it.

      6

  • If I could go back and talk to a younger me at the start of her transition, we’d talk about how this is the chance to ACTUALLY learn about myself and to really take time and care to not sweat the details or get stuck in a rut. Try everything and figure out what’s actually you and what is just some baggage or ideal you’re trying to live up to. Don’t be afraid to say yes. Also, don’t be afraid to say no. Keep both open as your options for everything: clothing styles, makeup (if you wanna), hair stuff, sexuality and attraction, etc.

    To be clear, I still feel like I managed my way through it and found my way to a rough approximation of what’s right for me eventually, but I was often too hard on myself and placed restrictions where there really weren’t any beyond what I was enforcing on myself. It really is Puberty 2 in so many ways, and you really need to lean into the lessons about how much any of it actually matters from Puberty 1… if at all possible.

    12

    • That's how I feel like I would probably go through it. I also tend to set expectations or rules that don't necessarily need to exist. Weirdly, once I had the realization, it has gotten anxiously more difficult to say yes to things(buying clothes or whatever). Maybe part of me is afraid of what it means?

      3

  • Finasteride is real and it works, and you actually are bothered by balding you're just pretending you're not

    7

  • This might be controversial, but for me personally, I would tell myself to not be so afraid to try HRT, that I’m going to take it later anyway, and that I would regret not starting earlier.

    I ended up getting HRT off the Internet at 21, but I knew about DIY HRT, and was tempted to buy it, back when I was around 16 years old.

    7

  • Enby here-- didn't see it mentioned yet:

    I've known countless fems who've just grown their hair out for the first time worrying that they're losing it because they're finding it everywhere. Shedding is normal, enjoy that mermaid hair <3

    6

  • Ive thought a lot about this exact question. There are many things I wish I had done differently. But it's all going to be relative. I lost my mother earlier this year, so I feel inclined to say that we don't have forever. Time catches up, and when it catches up to me I want to look back and be happy with the decisions I made. I want to look back on years living proudly a woman, and proudly me. And I think if I had known what I know now when I just realized I was trans, I would have never held myself back. I would have hesitated less. I would have come out sooner, worn every outfit under the sun that I wanted to, and spent far less time tearing myself down and comparing myself to other women.

    Despite my regrets about holding myself back, I forgive myself. I actually detransitioned for a few months in my second year of HRT. Went back to my dead name and everything. That was over 6 years ago, and I've never questioned whether transition is right for me since then. I guess what I'm trying to say is it's okay to question yourself. Its okay not to know or even to falter and fall back into what we're used to even if we know its bad for us. Life is what we make of the time ahead of us. I try my best to forgive myself for not always making the right decision and for trying so hard to be what everyone else wanted me to be. So don't be hard on yourself if you're not sure right away, or if you question yourself. We all do. And in the end I know I made the right decision. Given time you will too.

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