2 mo. ago • 99%

Piss-Soaked Tucker Carlson Claims Demon Urinated On Him While He Slept

theonion.com Piss-Soaked Tucker Carlson Claims Demon Urinated On Him While He Slept

BRYANT POND, ME—Describing the moment as a “transformative experience” that inspired him to embrace God and read the Bible, a piss-soaked Tucker Carlson claimed Friday that a demon had urinated on him while he was sleeping. “One moment I was asleep in bed, and the next, my boxers were absolutely soa...

25 comments

I type lol a lot, but I need you all to know that I fucking HOWLED laughing at this. God damn is the new onion on point.

56
Ate the onion again!

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- You must have missed what he actually did say recently, which this article is mocking.
  
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  Last I heard from him it was the "spanking". You'll excuse me if I don't want to seek out more.
  
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- being fair, this election cycle has made it genuinely hard to tell at a glance.
  
  If I had a nickel for every time I went this past year after reading a headline and then realizing it isn't the onion, I'd be a very rich man.
  
  3
I laughed so hard at this that a demon pissed on my pants too.

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- 27
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- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sAqkKbwvD1U
  
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“The demon made me suck those men off too— and now my wife is pissed”

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Hot damn the onions still got it.

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I was just talking to someone a few hours ago about how sex ed in the US is so bad that a huuuge number of my psychosis patients will tell me they know someone came in to their room and sexually assaulted them overnight because they woke up with a boner or wet vagina. In nursing school they also told us that the average learning level of a US adult (particularly in terms of reading level) is about the fifth grade. My school did sex ed in 6th, so that checks out. In the US its just normal to not know how your genitals work. Especially about the opposite sex and especially when it comes to women's anatomy, but also just in general. I've had multiple men tell me their morning wood is proof of a sexual assault. And you always get shit from police having to file these reports because like yeah obviously we have cameras proving no one did more than poke their head in the room for routine safety checks and this is clearly just a hallucination / delusion but also it's their right to report it and it's your job to write it down so like???

13
Now this I believe

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That Demon? JD Vance.

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Omg, a rare onion article that sounded absurd to me and didn’t fool me. Takes me back to the before time… member?

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- This is commentary on Tucker saying that a demon attacked him and clawed him up while he slept.
  
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Ah, a "wet" dream!

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Is that not what he actually said I thought it was?

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- That's part of what makes it so great; the original story was equally insane.
  
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Did Tucker happen to catch the most recent episode of The Casual Criminalist?

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- Thanks for indirectly letting me know that a new episode dropped.
  
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  Become consumed by the Whistlerverse.
  
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