2w ago

Fated to be alone, and giving up on dating.

I'm around 30, male, and even though I never believe in destiny type stuff, I firmly believe that some of us are fated to be alone. I've been lurking on reddit dating subs (not really a thing on lemmy) and I've seen other very similar stories. It's made realize, and accept, that some of us will always be alone.

I've never had a relationship, still a virgin, never kissed, never even held hands in a romantic context.

I've been on and off dating apps since I was 20, and I've never had any success. I started lurking on reddit to see what I could do to improve, and it didn't help. I even made an account so I could DM people and ask for advice, and nothing changed. I've been told I'm good looking, that I'm in good shape, people always said my bios are good, and my pictures could be better but they never got very harsh criticism. But I never had any success. And it's not like my standards are too high, I don't even get likes! On the rare occasion I do get a match, they never make an effort. They don't care about me, don't ask questions, and don't comment on what I say. They just answer my questions directly, and if I don't ask something the conversation dies.

The only women who ever seem to pay me attention and enjoy my company either have boyfriends, or just want a friendship. I started going going out IRL more, doing group activities and classes. No luck. Women seem comfortable with me, but they only ever want me as a friend. The first class I went to a woman came up and started making conversation with me. Not my type exactly, but I figured why not? We talk, I ask questions about her, eventually she mentions her husband. There's nothing wrong with that, she was just looking for conversation or making a friend; but from my perspective it sucks. Another girl I got along well with, thought she was cute, started making conversation, she eventually mentioned a boyfriend. We're still friends, but again, it sucks.

There's this girl I met, the first girl I ever truly "liked" - I've had some crushes before but this was entirely different. I had pretty much given up on the apps, was focused on my self, then one day we just match. Didn't care much at first because I knew how things go. But then I get to know her, and start falling head over heels for her (we hung out a few times). I start thinking "people always say it happens when you least expect it - is this it? Is this destiny?". She just wanted a friend, and did not feel the same way. This pretty much ruined the friendship. It kind of broke me a little, I'm not gonna lie.

I've also been told I'm nice, thoughtful, smart. I have good hygiene, and I take care of how I look. I also have several hobbies and would consider myself an interesting person. Women I meet IRL like talking to me. I'm also emotionally open and don't play games. I have goals in life. I'm allegedly good looking, and I'm active and workout - I don't have a six pack or anything, but I'm in ok shape. And if I compare myself to other men I see everyday, I'm in better shape than like 3/4 of them. I'm not trying to put anyone down, just want to paint a picture. Also, I'm average height for my area, so I don't think that plays into it.

But in around 30 years there's been nothing. And from what I've read and seen, I'm not alone in this. Over the years I have also watched my friends get into and out of relationships with ease. I'm seeing my friends getting married now, and having kids.

I think some of us just don't have "it" - whatever "it" is - and we're fated to be alone. That's the only answer I have. I'm accepting it and giving up. The alternative is hating myself and not knowing why or what to change.

19 comments

Just some thoughts from a woman who was also alone until her 30s:
Dating apps suck for so many reasons. Success on them or lack thereof says nothing. There are scammers and some apps (or probably all?) employ ghost writers who will pretend to be women but obviously never meet up, just keep you on the app. Out of the real humans you have those that think it's just a fun game to swipe with no intention to meet someone. I'm bi so I've used apps to try and find women and men and both is equally difficult, albeit for different reasons.
Then there's the problem with a huge lack in social skills. It does seem to occur more in the younger generation. I'm 40 and meet a lot of people around 30 through my hobby and that is definitely a thing I noticed in both men and women. Everyone is very non-commital, always keeping all options open. Always spread thin, doing 100 things 1% instead of one thing 100%. While I've made some friends in their late 20s/early 30s, it's always so hard to keep in touch because they have so many different things going at any time. I'm not surprised people that age report a lot of trouble dating, they often can't even commit themselves to a friendship.
Then there is also a not so small percentage of younger women who don't want to date at all. Percentages vary but many surveys show women especially in your age group and younger opt out of dating altogether. Reasons vary, insecurity about access to contraception/sexual healthcare and abortion is certainly one in some countries. The worldwide rise of conservative views especially among men is another.
Noone here will be able to give you a definite answer as to why you specifically can't find someone, but the odds just aren't in your favour when many women opt out of dating altogether, those who date have 100 other things going on IF you can even find the real human women among the scammers and fake profiles. And as you said yourself, meeting someone in real life has a high chance of them being already taken.
The only women who ever seem to pay me attention and enjoy my company either have boyfriends, or just want a friendship.
Something to keep in mind - those women have friends. If you maintain those friendships, if you really give off “good person” vibes, there’s a chance that they might introduce you to someone. Dating apps are basically useless by design, if you find someone you get off the app and app makers don’t make money anymore.
Group activities and classes are good. Don’t just do them because you are scoping out prospects, do them because it’s good to do things and make friends.
Desperation is the biggest turn off for everyone.
Don’t build up sex as the biggest thing ever. It can’t carry a relationship and it isn’t the point.
- This is all great advice, mine would be pretty similar.
  The best advice I ever got for finding a partner is to be happy and confident in yourself. If you are enjoying yourself and are enthusiastic about it that is attractive to other people. I do appreciate how hard that can be though.
  Find some hobbies you enjoy that get you out of the house and interacting with other people on a regular basis (sometimes works online too, lots of stories of people meeting in MMOs).
  Learn to be happy by yourself, if you can't be happy without someone why would someone want to be with you and take all that pressure.
  
  Yes beeing interested is a great way to meet new people. I find it admirable OP is putting himself out there, but people having friends may not have occurred to him. When I was single I tried to find nice people first, then after we got to know each other we brought our other friends, who we thought would fit the vibe. Sometimes this resulted in unexpected couples.
  My advice would be similar. If someone interesting mentions their SO, be interested in them, make conversation and if they seem nice, invite them to a BBQ or something. If they seem good and compatible, chances are they have good and compatible friends.
  An additional note, OP mentions carrying a conversation and beeing annoyed by that. Carrying conversations, showing someone a good time when they are down is a good relationship skill to have.
- if you really give off “good person” vibes, there’s a chance that they might introduce you to someone. Hard disagree. Woman might say they want 'good person' vibes but the reality is that when someone feels 'too safe' they get turned off. No real advice to you OP, but know that woman desire men that make them feel uncomfortable. Not uncomfortable as in 'this guy is stalking me' but as in 'this guy is mostly a nice guy but has a mysterious and maybe scary side that turns me on'.
You have spent too much time reading online dating threads full of people who do not go outside as much as they claim, people who want an excuse to why they are single and not the truth. These echo chambers have made you think this way. But you are not destined to be alone, nobody is. Destiny/fate doesnt exist.
Just keep doing what you are doing and dont worry about it much, meeting the right person honestly happens out of the blue and it will happen to you too, forget about all the silly reddit threads. And hey, making friends is great, who knows who they might introduce you to!
I never got into a relationship because I was looking for it. It always happens when I'm enjoying being single. Even when I'm in a relationship, it seems like I'm more wanted. Might be something to do with just general demeanor when you no longer care lol. Keep your head up and experience life, there's so much more to it than just that
I'm sure different aproaches are good for different people. This is just my thoughts on the matter.
First learn to like solitude and then be out there. Be available. The more you expose yourself, the more likely it is to happen. Don't hunt for it, it's generally not attractive. Sure, you don't have to spend all your time with 'taken' people. But keep doing the things you like doing. If it happens, it happens. If it doesn't, whatever.
I feel lucky. My wife kinda droped on me where I was not expecting it. I was not looking and i've never been a ladies man. The fact that I was not looking and just enjoying myself was part of her atraction for me. Obviously we talked and found out that we have shared values and think alike, before anything romantic developed. Now we are married and we are each others best friends.
When I think about it; I find it fantastic that people find partners at all. You gotta share most of your values, be best friends, be sexually compatible and both be open to a relationship.
They don't care about me, don't ask questions, and don't comment on what I say. They just answer my questions directly, and if I don't ask something the conversation dies.
This is super common on dating apps. It's not you. My rule for dating apps is try to move to an in-person meeting within the first few minutes of conversation, otherwise move on. That's what The people on the other side of your conversation are doing.
Part of it is a lot of people on the apps aren't really serious about meeting somebody, they're just looking for a distraction, validation, entertainment.
Are you comfortable being on your own? If yes that's a great starting point. Have your own agenda have your own activities have your own fulfillment. Then when you meet other people in real life you can invite them on to things you're already going to do anyway. And more likely than not they'll join you. People like people with a plan
Don't forget the wider your social network, the wider your dating pool. People who know about you will try to find matches for you. Don't sleep on the power of the match making auntie.
Just keep doing what you’re doing. Don’t compromise yourself for something society has made you feel you should be or have. That’s a lie, and it’ll ruin you.
Sex is great and all, but if you wanted to just get laid you’d go out and get laid. Reading what you wrote says you want more, and that’s great! Go for that “more” (whatever it means to you), and don’t stop until you get it. There is no timetable; no goal posts (except the ones you make for yourself).
Good luck op! You will get there, I promise.
Reading the comments, there is a point that’s missing: it’s okay to give up, it’s not okay to be down about it.
I know plenty of people (of both genders) that gave up on dating and are having a happy fulfilling life without being in a relationship. I was happy while single, and so was my partner when we met. But you have to find your own center, your independence and drive.
Good luck!
As a man that found out that I Ace at 37/38 and then a couple years later that I was Aro. This hits a lot of the beats that I was struggling with until that point.
On the feeling that you're destined to be alone. It sucks and I don't have an answer on how to deal. And it sucks hard. Long before I realized my orientation I knew I was going to be alone for most of my life and planned accordingly. Though at times I have felt the desire to develop a relationship with someone, it passes, thankfully in a few days normally.
Meeting people is hard, and it gets harder as you age. Maintaining friendships and relationships is hard work, and there is no standard method. Those accounts of serendipitous meetings are edited for public consumption or rarer than hens teeth.
I am not trying to make any point. I just felt like commiserating a bit.
If you keep trying it will eventually happen.
But it is hard to keep trying.
- Finding gay dudes to sleep with is easy.
  Finding gay dudes to have a relationship with….
  
  You have me there, I would not know as I'm not in that scene, it's just what I figure.
  The relationship thing goes for straight as much as gay, believe you me.
- What an insensitive and idiotic thing to say to someone struggling. Get your mind checked.
  
  Thanks for the feedback.

19 comments