Off My Chest

So, I have always wanted the best of both worlds with watches. An analogue timepiece that looks nice. But also the ability to see texts on my wrist. So, Fossil had a solution a while ago. The Fossil Hybrid. It was beautiful, had physical hands and an e-ink display under it which subtly showed messages. You literally cannot tell it was a smartwatch until you started using it. It had basic health features and boasted a two week long battery life.

I have been eyeing these up for years. Maybe around four. I didn't get one as they were £300. I loved them but not that much. I finally got one back in July. It was pre owned at £90 with a minor scratch and a slightly squidgy button (but still worked) and I fell in love. It also came with a 2 year warranty, so I knew it wasn't very risky. I designed the perfect watch face and everything. It was a great conversation starter. Nobody ever saw a thing like it. My girlfriend even jokingly said "check out my boyfriend's cool watch!"

Anyway, out of the blue last week, I plugged it in for the weekly charge and it wouldn't charge. I took it off and the other charging ring thingy just came off. The glue had losened. As much as I tried pushing it back in, it wouldn't charge. I kept it until Friday watching the battery drain. On Friday I went back to the shop and handed it in. I was hoping they could fix it for me and get it back maybe. But no. I could have tried gluing it in myself, but would have certainly voided the warranty. I talk about it but people don't seem to understand that even though I got a refund (well, it's still processing) I am still heartbroken. My dream watch turned out to be a poorly built experimental thing by Fossil and it was a common manufacturing defect, so I don't want to risk getting another one. Unfortunately the software was lacking as well (could have done with a calendar, couldn't turn off a notification indicator as well, etc). So there's a product I fell in love with, but the company that made it doesn't care. And nobody has ever made something similar since.

There's a void on my wrist and I don't know what to replace it with.

I am tempted to try and build my own. I actually saw a display on AliExpress that is circular eink and has a hole in the centre. But I probably lack the complete skill, even though open source LED smartwatches exist and with some wizardry I could maybe convert that into a new hybrid one, it's probably just one of my pipe dreams. I never even managed to get a seven segment display working properly with a raspberry pi pico.

I just need to get this off my chest because it’s been weighing on me. My daily routine feels like a never-ending loop of the same things, over and over again. Every day blends into the next with nothing exciting to break the cycle. I’ve tried to change things up, but even when I do, 90% of the time it still feels dull and uninspiring.

And it’s not like I haven’t tried. Over the last months and the past year, I’ve done a lot to shake things up: I got into rock climbing, went diving (though I have to travel further for that), tried arts, took different classes, learned a new language (Spanish), explored different coffee shops and bars. I’m doing so much, and yet, no matter what I try, everything just feels bland. The excitement fades fast, and I’m left feeling like I’m back at square one.

Honestly, I don’t need a doctor to tell me I’m depressed — I’m pretty sure I am, in some way. Even though it might not seem like it from what I’ve written, I genuinely love life. I just think it’s fair to say that I found more joy in life 10 years ago than I do now.

On top of that, the state of the world is messing with my head. The climate disaster is f*cking me up, too. It’s like this dark cloud that’s always looming in the back of my mind, with burning forests here, floods there, hurricanes here, and just constant environmental devastation. It’s a relentless reminder that things aren’t getting better. Technology isn’t helping either. I used to enjoy AI and new tech, but it’s gotten so overwhelming. Five years ago, I’d laugh at my mom for falling for fake calls or texts. Now I have to look for weird flaws in fingers, mouths, and eyes just to figure out if something is real or AI-generated.

And look at Flux — it’s just insane. The rapid advancement in AI tools like that makes it even harder to discern what’s real. It’s not just the fake calls and texts anymore; now we’re dealing with sophisticated AI that can generate incredibly realistic but entirely fabricated content. It feels like the line between reality and simulation is blurring more every day, and it’s exhausting to keep up with.

There are times when I honestly wish I wasn’t even born a human. Like, I’d rather be a bird or something else, just to escape this endless loop of dullness. And right now, I kind of wish I didn’t live here either. I know, when I go on vacation everything feels fine, and those moments are great. But I also know that the countries I visit aren’t some utopia either — they struggle too. It’s just easier to ignore when you’re only there for a little while.

And then there’s the feeling that everyone around me is so focused on themselves. It’s like people are caught up in their own lives, and I get it — life is hard for everyone. But it just adds to the isolation. No real connection, just people in their own bubbles.

Maybe I’ve just lost touch with what makes life exciting, or maybe I need something I haven’t figured out yet. But honestly, right now, life feels bland, and I’m not sure how to break out of it.

Anyone else ever feel like this? Or am I just going through the motions on my own?

I'm having trouble recalling the title of the video where the content creator Muta (SomeOrdinaryGamers) did an in-depth analysis (Deep Dive) of the kid (think his name is Miles) who traveled to Albania for some TikTok video because of (the word called I can’t remember what it’s called, where when students take a break from their education to take a little vacation), and that leads him to be unable to leave the county. I could be wrong about if it’s actually Albanian. I can't seem to locate it, and it's for my personal study. I could also be wrong and I’m sorry if that’s the case, I must have misunderstood and this is probably a Mandela effect.

**Sorry if this isn’t the correct community. The creator doesn’t have a community on lemmy. **

I get it; we're all tired. Exhausted, even. Getting up, dealing with humans, making your way through traffic, navigating social complexities, etc., all suck.

Being disconnected, unwilling or unmotivated to engage, or just out of it adds to the morass of shit. I am tired of people who don't bother to try.

To me, these people just make things more unbearable.

I'm not sure what's going on with me, but just a few minutes ago I woke up screaming for my life. I don't even know what happened and I barely remember what it was.

My right arm was competely numb and I felt like I had crossed a point of no return in my chest. I don't think it was a heart attack, I'm quite alright now, but I felt like I was going to die.

I've suspect I have sleep apnea that keeps getting worse and worse. I wake up suddenly if I fall asleep while sitting down and every time it gets harder and harder to wake up. Until today that I woke up in a huge panic after lying down on my bed.

My head feels foggy and I feel uncertain. I don't know what to do. I can't go see a specialist or a doctor for that matter. But, fuck, I thought I was a gonnet for a second.

So, I've never posted on one of these type forums before. But I just needed to tell someone, because I don't feel like I have any IRL I can tell.

I haven't dated much. In my 30s, gay, and I've had a couple boyfriends, lots of sex/random hookups, but never really delved deep into dating. I've always used my lifestyle as an excuse, I don't have a lot of free time for potentially identifying reasons (don't want this linked to my main account). But the reality is a lot simpler. I'm ugly. I don't have a great face, and even if I did, I'm fat, I've been balding since 17, and my teeth are jacked up. Despite brushing my teeth 3 times a day, I have bad cavities, and a few years ago I had to have a front tooth extracted.

But a couple weeks ago I met a boy. It was great. A hook up turned into a date, turned into days of texting, him asking to be exclusive, turned into a second date, and some of the best, most passionate sex I've ever had. Then the next day he got distant, and the day after that told me he needed space, didn't want to talk anymore.

He said that this "every day thing" was too much, and he couldn't deal with the "cutesy shit." He was the one that initiated all of that. I don't have a lot of self confidence, and it's hard for me to be cutesy or affectionate, or put myself out there. Most of the time I just want to melt into the scenery, be as unnoticed as possible... Not easy when you're well over 6 foot, nearly 300 pounds and a tenor.

I think this was it for me, y'all. I can't take this again. I feel so humiliated and embarrassed. I told my friends about him, and now I don't even want to ever speak to them again, because I am so incredibly embarrassed. They're going to ask about him, and I'm going to tell them that it didn't work. And they won't say it, but they'll know why. Because who the fuck could handle this? I just want to curl up into a ball and stop existing. I'm not actually suicidal, and I don't need help on that. But I think I'm done with ever trying to have a relationship. I can't do it. I can't handle being cutesy with a guy again. The idea of letting anyone else see that side of me fills me with dread at this point. It's like he found every insecurity I had and hit each and every one of them without ever mentioning them directly.

And the worst part is, I can't even really be angry at him. He's younger than me, he deserves better than I could have offered. He has every right to not want to talk to me, I'm not some incel that thinks I'm owed love or sex. But dammit, it fucking hurt and I don't know how to move past this. I've had a few boyfriends before, but I've never cried over one. I've never felt so connected to a person so quickly. It wasn't like we were even really together, but I had very high hopes. Really, for the first time. I didn't know I could feel like that, especially so quickly.

I don't even know what I'm hoping to get out of posting this. I just needed to write it out, I guess

Hi. This might be a long one.

The next year of June I will be graduating highschool. This is typically viewed as a relatively big event where I am (Scandinavia), where students rush out of the school building, meet up with their families to say congrats, then scurry along to ride around the city and party with their peers.

The issue for me is the family part. My family consists of two main sides: my mother, brother, his girlfriend (1), and then my father, sister, and her husband (2). They have no contact with each other whatsoever and a lot of family feud has occurred to cause that consequence. They don't actively hate each other, but dislike and pettiness is consistent.

I feel forced to choose between two sides. This has caused me a relative amount of stress lately. My sister and I talked about this, and she said she would understand if I didn't choose side 2, but she is a family-oriented person so I feel I would still disappoint her. My dad doesn't care about social events and festivities like this (nor do I, so I'm not upset with him or anything like that). My mom, however, thinks this is one of the most important milestones in life. She even told me she would show up along with my brother (with whom I have no contact; I blocked him a while back because he's obnoxious and has started to buy into right-wing and Trumpist circles, and I don't really want to be with people like that. He has expressed very strange views at my father's house, but that's another story).

Personally, I would rather none of them show up. My mother disagrees with me on this, but I feel it would be much more awkward with 2 families on the opposite ends to choose between, than having nobody there. Like, who do I go to first? And since they can't stand to even see each other, how far away would they stand from each other? 500 metres? That just sounds awkward to me.

I am considering only inviting my friend to this celebration, a guy I met in my programming class last year. I would feel infinitely better having only him there than both of my family sides. My mother is a stubborn woman and I'm guessing she expects she will be there along with my brother, and my sister is very sensitive and can hold grudges for a long time, and I feel like I have to choose between a bunch of adults that want to show up to this minor festivity at best. Everyone else my age can enjoy this event, and I'm stuck here trying to plan an acceptable alternative.

That's that. I'm glad I got to express my thoughts. Any advice or support or personal experiences are welcome. Cheers y'all!

To be clear, I don't really think my mom is, but this was revealed to me by my sister yesterday.

So, I was having an argument with my sister, there is a family situation and my sister said I was repeating out mom's version. During the argument, she said that our mom was diagnosed schizophrenic as a child, and that she was even locked up (?).

For context. I'm 25. My sister is in her 40s.

Our mom had my sister when she was 17. Our mom is the middle child of a total of 5 sisters. She was born in 1964. She had my sister to a man that I know absolutely nothing about, since she never talked about it. According to my sister, she also never knew who her father was till she was a teenager, when our mom finally agreed to let her meet him once.

When our mom was 20 she meet my dad, who was in his 40s. After that, my sister was raised by our grandparents and my mom pretty much forgot about her. I was born in 1998. All my life I was told that they were married but insisted on not having children until my dad's son died in 1996. But turns out that in reality, they got married a few months after I was born. I know this only because I saw they marriage certificate during the divorce lawsuit.

My sister and I never lived together, since when I was learning to walk, she was starting university in the capital of our country, years later we used to visit her once or twice a year until my sister moved to the US with my nephew and niece.

When I was 8 to 10, my parents had a terrible separation. My dad cheated on my mom and she went crazy and my dad went extremely abusive and violent. I witnessed some of that with my own eyes.

Then, they hated each other so much that couldn't even agree on divorce terms. It took them 15 YEARS to officially divorce (that's when I saw the marriage certificate, because the lawsuit was delivered to be, because they couldn't contact my mom).

Now, to get on topic. My mom is very obviously a narcisistic, since she has the entire criteria. She also made my life hell multiple times.

One of the things she does is having her own version of what is happening, and run with that version, no matter how different it is from reality. Like the many times I rebeled in my early 20s, was because I was doing drugs, got into a cult, got brainwashed, and was having gay sex, according to her. No, I was just having my university partying phase. The only thing she was right about it was me having gay sex, but not the way she was thinking and not with the people she was thinking, I was still closeted. And her concern wasn't me having gay sex, was more like "hanging out with those f***ts who are maybe fucking your ass". She always makes wild assumptions about people, mostly when she don't like them.

During university I was severely depressed and thinking about dropping out, but I found an online university that had my career and I could continue there. I told my mom about it and she went BALLISTIC, assaulting me physically even, and I hit her back, then she restrained me, because she didn't want me to study in an university for "bums and lowlives" according to her. This fight was so bad that I was thinking about killing myself that week, but I didn't. However, years after I dropped out, she asked "Why didn't you find a way to study online" then I remind her of this incident, but she says "that never happened, what are you talking about?".

She also wanted me to graduate from law school to "become her lawyer in her divorce" agaisn't my dad.

She also used to trashtalk my dad A LOT when I was a kid, almost daily. I was constantly told that if I didn't succeed, I would be a bum like my dad (my dad is a successful lawyer).

She has a hard time maintaining friendships, because everybody is "stupid, inefficient, irresponsible" according to her so she gets tired of everyone. I am also irresponsible and inefficient according to her. I'm also super smart or slow according to who she is talking to, if is literally everyone else, I'm super smart and a gifted kid, if she is mad at me, I'm stupid and slow.

I got an autistic diagnostic as an adult, when I asked people on my family, they told me that they knew and told my mom to try get me in a special environment, but she refused to do that and told everyone to not dare talk about my autism.

When I told her about my diagnostic, she said "but you knew your whole life you were asperger" and I was like "NO I DIDN'T, KNOWING SOONER WOULD HAVE HELPED A LOT" She still insists that I knew my whole life.

I suffered many other forms of abuse and I'm still receiving them because I still live with her. But this has been too long already.

I don't think she might be schizophrenic. The ironic thing is that when I had what I now know are "autistic meltdown" she said I was having a schizophrenic psychosis and I should see a therapist (funny because she is very much anti therapy). I have a paternal uncle who IS schizophrenic and has dealt with it his entire life. He is a very hard case.

But yeah, the important thing here is that I don't think she ever had hallucinations, not that I know off, like seeing things, or hearing voices that aren't the usual "were you calling me name?" when I wasn't. Maybe you can give me a but more of perspective. IDK if what my sister said is true, but I hope I can get some perspective. if it is, she might have been diagnosed in the 70s or 80s and mental health wasn't good at all at the time (my country was still doing electroshock until a few years ago).

Sorry for the long text.

TLDR: My sister said my mom is a diagnosed schizophrenic, but I don't think my mom has the signs of being one, tho I'm telling some of my history of abuse from her to know if there is something to analyze from there.

CW: Depressive thoughts of an asshole

Do you think that you are a good person? I don't. I've tried to be one for a long time, act like one to those close to me. But I just don't think it will ever happen.

Some context: I'm a young person living in the Western world. My family are upper-middle class, and loving and supportive of me. I was raised with a strong moral compass, particularly about social issues. As I've grown, I've become more and more aware of the way that I live. My socio-economic circumstances mean that I'm probably in the top 10% of the world's population, where the biggest polluters are.

To explain my problem with this, I'll put it in simple words: the climate crisis kills people. And so, by contributing to it, I am a murderer. You can argue this point all you like. That its a bigger issue than me, that my own emissions are only a fraction of those of the top 1%. But just because someone else has hurt people more doesn't mean that I haven't hurt people. One of the scariest parts of this is that it means, wherever I go, the people around me are most likely murders by my own definition. My peers, mentors, neighbors. But they don't know. They don't think about the fact that they have contributed to people's deaths. Ignorance is bliss.

All I want to do is help people. That's what I want to do with my life: reduce pain and suffering. I'm thinking of going into medicine. But I wake up every morning and go to bed every night with the knowledge that I am doing the opposite. I try to do a little bit: eat less meat, don't fly, buy less clothes. While I drive places and eat food shipped from far away, watch other's do things without objection. And the little I also isn't quite genuine, sometimes more motivated by the fear of the guilt I'll feel if I do not do it.

I'm going to be real: I'm so scared. I don't know how much longer I can keep doing this. There's a line from some song "You've got to live with the pain or start feeling nothing at all". What happens on the day that I start feeling nothing? I've had them before. I think the scariest thought of them all is that I become a mindless consumer, working 9-to-5 in an office job. And when the headlines show the deaths from the latest storm or heatwave, I can point and say: "I helped with that". Yours faithfully, A fellow stranger

P. S. Thanks so much for reading my deranged rant of self pity, and I hope you have a wonderful day P. P. S. If you have any interesting thoughts, it would be much appreciated it you would share them

I know there's no shortage on political posts on Lemmy, especially in other communities, but I don't really know where else I could post this.

I've always had the philosophy that anyone (referring to the working class here) could spend their money on whatever they want without feeling any shame. Especially when it concerns donations. Donate to the cause that speaks to you more, etc. etc.

But I honestly haven't considered political donations into my already bare-bones philosophy. And I think that quite shook me when I saw the MastodonForHarris movement.

I understand that people want to support their favorite candidate and make sure they win so that they feel safer. But doesn't giving 500k to someone who's already rich, receives millions and, let's be honest, still works for the interests of the rich feel a little off to anyone?

What hit me the most was seeing a post from someone in Gaza that needed 60k. That made me realize that 60k for someone could be life changing, while 500k for Harris could just mean nothing to her. (here's the GoFund me for those who are interested: https://www.gofundme.com/f/help-donate-family-gaza-palestine-gofundme)

I'm still very new to leftism, so I may be wrong. But nothing feels leftist about any of this. I know not everyone is a leftist on the Fediverse, but I felt like most of us here had anti-corporate and anti-billionaire views. And even if she is a leftist from a US politics point of view, I still can't help but feel like those donations are misplaced due to her donation pool and policies.

I do not mind if you disagree, but please at least explain why.

Do a chore? Take a rest. Do a hobby? Fake a rest. Exercise? Long rest. Break up an argument between my kids? Rest. Everything is rest. I feel like half my life is waiting for my mental energy to come back. Not physical. I can do the task, but convincing the rest of my body to do the thing takes rest.

I just wanna go, do, finish, whatever.

I'm supposed to be on vacation but I've spent it caring for other people and never myself. I know I feel like an asshole just saying that. But it's wearing me down. I'm a single dad and I can't seem to make enough money to survive, but it seems like everyone depends on me. My mother has cancer and I have to be there for her. My best friend caught his wife cheating and he moved in with me since he would be homeless otherwise. He has a job but it pays maybe $300 a month but he can't seem to get better work because he's disabled. So I'm basically supporting him and his daughter who is here as well. His ex contributes just enough to cover bus fare for his daughter to get to school. I'm fighting a custody battle after years of abuse and I'm fucking terrified that the judge will eventually give my ex custody because the court in my country never awards custody to the father. Even though she's been documented medically abusing our daughter. She contributes nothing to support our daughter and seldom tries to even see her. And my boss turned me down when another department asked for me to work there for more pay. His reason was that it was too short notice and that he needs me. That extra money would have helped so much with the above issues but he can't be inconvenienced. I'm looking to leave but the job market here is shit and that opportunity was extremely rare.

An incredible band that I love is releasing a new album. And I’m just sitting here thinking I might never get to see a live show again. My health fell apart a few years ago and there’s so much I just can’t participate in now and it’s so alienating and sad. I remember being drunk and dancing in crowds seemingly not that long ago, now I have to spend close to 80% of my time in bed just to have enough energy to do the basics like cook and shower and eat. It sucks. I miss being in rooms full of strangers and screaming and just living life in public at all, being around other humans. I don’t have anyone to help me do things, and every cool thing that happens in the world now is bittersweet because I can’t directly enjoy it. I’m like only able to have small bites of life and I am really really really really really really really sad about it. I might never get to see any band live again at all, and if I ever do through some incredible stroke of luck I still won’t be able to jump around or stand up or drink like I would want to. My enthusiasm is trapped in my body seemingly forever now. It’s just shit. Other things about life are good, great even, but this specific way of being in the world and being around like minded people feels like it’s gone forever.

Girlfriends car breaks down, she has to buy and sell a new one, lots of stress, my car breaks down, I have to buy and sell a new one, lots of stress, landlord puts property up for sale with no notice, lots of stress, new landlord raises our rent by 65% and now we may have to find a new place, lots of stress. This is too much, I don't know how I'm even hanging on at this point

Edit: we dumped the landlord after he refused our counter offer, tbh it's gonna hit him hardest because I'm pretty sure he was just trying to get us to pay off his mortgage. A big weight off our shoulders though even though moving in the summer sucks

For those of you who don't know, 'disability tax' is a term that refers to extra payments you have to make because your disability (usually mental health related) hindered your ability to do something. A common example is late fees.

And I just got hit with a huge one. I've been thinking about moving out for about half a year now and every time I remembered to notify my landlord, that task got pushed back or replaced with something else. Now I'm on the hook for a whole month of rent because I'm a month late in notifying the landlord.

It's about $2k in rent. I'm about to be out of work to go back to school so $2k with no income on top of tuition is a bit scary. I've been considering shelling out that amount on an ADHD diagnosis but I guess I can't do that now.

I'm not trying to dodge responsibility here - I should have sent that notification any of the times I remembered. But I didn't.

I wish I wasn't like this.

I forgot how weird and pretty shit Reddit is, since I have been using Lemmy most of the time.

Got iPhone issue, searched for it and got a Reddit thread on the iPhone subreddit. Great but couldn’t fix it. I made a comment something along the lines of “got the same issue, clueless what to do”.

An hour later and got banned for it on the iPhone subreddit lol. They claim, I was “ban evasion”. I double checked my accounts and I have literally never been banned on the iPhone subreddit.

So I’d have to say thanks to them to prove the fact that, I have made the right decision of leaving Reddit.

We had an adult male cat coming into our house who looked rather injured, so we started feeding him and mending his wounds when he got into a fight. It became such a regular thing that he soon brought another cat for feeding. It turns out that this new cat was female and pregnant but we treated her the same. Fast forward to a couple of weeks when we notice she's not pregnant anymore but we could tell she was breastfeeding.

She decided to bring her little kitten along two days ago and we've been trying to get the baby acquainted with us and our cats and everything looked fine and dandy. We even set out a box with a cozy blanket outside for them. We can't take them in so that's the best we could do. They quickly started using it as a shelter.

Well, they came in this morning looking for food as usual. But just a few moments ago in the afternoon, my family member got home and found the little kitten maimed and unresponsive in the box. It had signs of injuries but worse of all his little leg had been amputated by something sharp. We think the neighbor's dog got to him and killed him.

It's so heartbreaking. Why would anyone do this to a baby kitten? I can't even imagine how the momma cat feels because I'm sure she saw it. I don't even think she'll stop by anymore. I'm so angry and upset and I'm crying. Life is so fucking unfair.

A number of my (M26) friends are women. I'm travelling and my parents want me to send them pictures, but I can't send them a single picture with a girl next to me without her becoming my girlfriend in their eyes.

I do fine for myself too! Actual girlfriends come and go and I tell them when I'm dating someone, and they hardly seem to care.

Kills me dude.

Tuesday, a massive storm blew through town, turning the entire area into a disaster and an emergency was declared. This happened to our trees. The light-colored house is the neighbor's house that one of the trees hit.

!

!

(To be fair, we were luckier than some, like people whose cars got destroyed or their windows shattered and so on.)

The power went out and was out almost the entire day the next day. My wife and daughter were at an amusement park, but I was home to work on house stuff, make sure the dogs weren't too stressed, and get cleanup estimates from tree companies. The temperature was above 90F/32C most of the day. Not only was the internet out, obviously, but I had one bar of cell signal and data only went through about a quarter of the time. I had a power bank that kept my phone charged through the night and I did go to a cafe for a short while, along with the library for about an hour, just to cool off and have some decent internet.

The power came on that night, around 10 pm.

The next day we agreed to one of the estimates I got. It was $3200. We paid because we had no choice. At least it's the neighbor's responsibility to fix the fence since that part of the fence is theirs (although I had to put up a temporary blockade to stop our dogs from escaping) and their insurance is going to cover the damage where the tree hit their house. No one's insurance around here covers the tree cleanup though. That's an "act of god."

Yesterday, we came home after visiting my mom in another town to the power being out again for hours. Flickering on and off sometimes. Thankfully, the house wasn't ridiculously hot.

This morning, we woke up to find out that a water main broke and the whole area is under an order to boil water for at least three minutes before using it for any sort of food or drink.

On top of all of that, it was my birthday this week and the day started with my wife and daughter getting into a massive fight because my daughter suddenly didn't want to go on a birthday family trip for me (she's a teenager). And the fun part of that is that I'm so exhausted from health issues that I really just wanted to relax on my birthday and I was only doing the trip because my wife really wanted me to enjoy it and I didn't want to disappoint her because she worries about me enough.

But at least I was able to put $200 towards my massive bill from the Mayo Clinic. The $200 birthday present I got from my mom.

Hooray me.

Not enough to follow them around, but i would see them if they came to town and I'm kind of looking forward to watching the Netflix show when I'm home alone Monday.

First off, I get it if it's a fresh community and you don't have anything yet. But if you're community is over an hour old and has nothing on it... Why would I join it?

If you want your community to grow, post content as soon as possible, after it's been created. Otherwise, you're missing out on potential subscriptions and posters.

ALSO

If you find a community you like and subscribe to, post something! That's the best way for it to grow and for you to see new content from it. Nobody wants to be the only poster in a community.

When I use the internet to learn, I don't want to have to spend 2 minutes watching an advert, then try to decipher an accent I can barely understand whilst a 15 year old speed runs the task whilst seemingly skipping crucial steps in a video.

I want the steps written down. Maybe with diagrams.

I'm old. Learning is hard enough.

We've been together for 20 years and married for 15. We're a great couple, the kind our friends think of as "couple goals". We rarely fight and when we do it's normally over something trivial. And almost never about money.

We tend to be frugal and usually discuss things before making any large purchases. I became disabled about a decade ago and she's been the "bread-winner" of the family. She works hard and I'm proud of her. With the sudden contraction in income we had to file bankruptcy about 7 yrs ago and we've been good about staying out of debt since.

I handle the finances of the house, which really just means I file our taxes and check our bank statements. Yesterday, I was trying to reconcile our bank statement and trying to build a budget using our banks new software. This required me to categorize these transactions, which is a pain when a lot of them just say Amazon or PayPal. So I go digging into this only to discover she has two PayPal accounts and one is carrying $2500 in debt! We're not well-off people and that's a lot of money.

I was heart-broken. It was like my soul was just sucked out of my body. I felt something between anger and disappointment. I couldn't believe it. She must have noticed my sudden shock and saw what I was looking at because she began to reassure me that she's about to pay $600 towards it. I didn't reply. I went for a long walk to clear my head.

We still haven't spoken about it yet. I don't know what to do. I'm not mad anymore but I'm so deflated. We were supposed to be partners in all things. We don't even buy each other gifts without conferring usually it's just a joint anniversary gift.

To make matters worse, I can understand how she'd do it. She's got impulse control problems because of her untreated ADHD. She tends to self-medicate with alcohol to unwind and likes "retail-therapy" for self-soothing. She also has rejection sensitivity and is aggressively defensive. So even asking her about this may cause an involuntary lashing-out. But I must. I just don't want to.

Honestly, I think I had a cyst on my left ovary that made me gain some weight while abroad. I had been working out, but my diet wasn’t the best, last year.

Since I have been back in the states, I have quit caffeine, sodas, and fast food. I have been trying to eat more vegetables, and have begun drinking soy milk again, like I used to in high school. I have been running one mile per day, and walking one mile per day, as well. I have also been swimming laps, but I was doing that while abroad, too. I really think the change in diet has helped.

If anyone is struggling with their weight, hang in there. I wasn’t heavily overweight, but it is a relief to have a healthy BMI now. Even if no one notices, keep going. I still have a relative that is trying to convince people to call me a nickname she created in the ‘90’s, that means “fat”. If you have people like that in your life, too, ignore them. They’re probably just projecting their own issues onto you. It says more about their issues than yours, when they attack others. Stay healthy!

And I'd save scum in real life too, if I could!

I heard a child call me that name at work today, and it isn’t a commonly used name. It’s a cruel joke that my distant cousins created. They created the nickname, in the mid-90’s, to bully women they thought were fat. They typically use the name to call women obese, and imply that they smell (due to obesity related hygiene problems; poor wiping, mold growth between fat folds, infectious smells, etc). I’m not even overweight. I shower every day, after I run a mile and walk a mile for exercise.

My “sister” (who is most likely not my biological sister, but was raised with me), has a lot of nerve to call anyone fat. She is obese. I really hope the cruel bullying isn’t coming from her, but I am pretty sure it is. She acts catty, and immature when socializing with groups of other women. She will often pull me aside in conversations amongst family to trash talk other women. I’m sick of it. If she’s willing to do that when I’m present, I’m sure she is doing the same thing to me, when I’m not present. The sad part is, she is a college graduate with this mentality. She graduated before I did, with a degree in the same STEM field. She would rather discuss people with everyone, than discuss work, or anything related to her career field.

It gets worse. She openly made fun of my son’s current school principal because she and the other moms believe he’s homosexual. I have never met him. I don’t care to meet him. She has been in his office multiple times to complain about how her son is being bullied. She complains to everyone around her about how the principal won’t do anything about the bullying. I offered to help her. I told her I could obtain an inter-district transfer to a school district with fewer instances of bullying. She just continued to rant about the principal.

I haven’t spoken to her in days. So what has she been doing in the meantime? She has apparently been convincing someone else’s child to verbally harass me about my weight. She convinced them to do this with an insulting nickname that she helped create to bully obese people. Mind you, she created this nickname when she was thinner, during her years spent in high school. Has she not looked in the mirror since the 90’s? I am currently recovering from anemia, an infection, a dislocated bone (occurred last year), and other health issues like holes in my stomach that were found by an MRI in 2019. I can still manage to run/walk two miles per day on a foot with a broken bone that was never reset, also. She takes her dog for a walk once per month, or so, and calls it exercise. It is, but does she seriously think that gives her the right to bully someone who is not obese, or overweight? I haven’t once called her some cruel name to insinuate that she is obese.

I was minding my own business today, when the child said the insult at me. It was a great day at work before this happened. Some person’s child approached me just as my day ended and said the cruel remark towards me while looking at me, and laughing. She had no other reason to approach me. She wasn’t trying to ask me for help, or for any information about my job site. She just approached me to help my older “sister” bully me. I am sick of obese, butch, female, bullies.

I am so sick of them trying to turn the younger generation into their messengers, or new recruits for their gang. The sad part is, women like her bully everyone this way. It isn’t just me. I watch them bully their husbands, their kids, and even the other women they call friends. We’re all supposed to tolerate their tyranny and their tantrums? I wish there was a way to sign her up for therapy. I’ve been through therapy. With my medical history of past surgeries, a roll over car accident, a failed marriage, having been raped by a distant cousin in my sleep, and being raised by two distant relatives that won’t explain why; hell yeah, I have been through therapy! Someone needs to film her behavior; the bullying, the cruel gossiping, the spreading of lies, or how she makes people lash out on her behalf. It needs to be shared with a therapist. There is no reason I needed to be called fat today. Especially not through someone’s child, being recruited to do that. Someone’s child was TOLD to do so by a jealous, obese, woman IN HER 40’s! Do the men married to these women think it’s funny when they realize their wives are bullying other women that haven’t had any impact on their wife’s day, or life, at all? Do they sit around the table and joke about it at the end of the day? What do they say? “Wow, honey, you really ganged up on that woman for no reason! You’re so funny! Tell me again how you used to bully people like her in high school, when you were thin and popular!” I mean, really! I wasn’t popular. Most of my friends were gay, one of my friends didn’t speak English as a first language. Another was abused by her mom. Another was often bullied because her dad was murdered and her mom went to prison. A lot of my friends’ parents went to prison before I met my friends. We weren’t popular, but we sure didn’t go around bullying other people who were different.

Seriously, tl;dr, what is my “sister’s” problem?!?

In college a few years ago, I decided to spend that time building up a foundation of beliefs and philosophy while my brain finished developing that would serve me for the rest of my life. This focus on self-improvement led to less mental energy spent on other people.

I think this has given some the impression that I’m a little narcissistic, but I’ve been pretty good at avoiding overconfidence. I’ve long considered myself self-absorbed but not self-centered, focussing on myself but only so I can be a better person than I’ve been.

Last Friday I realized that at some point I moved from one to the other. I stopped listening and started waiting to get conversations over with, only wondering what I was going to need to do for them. I stopped growing because I ran out out of things I had thought of that I had a reason to learn.

I don’t like being like this. I am trying to shift from a “what do I need to do?” attitude to a “what do others need that I can help with?” Any advice?

When you walk into the room and the people in it exchange glances to one another, and then laugh, it doesn’t make you want to work here. For me, and where I live, it makes me want to move to Europe, or the U.K. and never come back. I’m treated like crap. I don’t like what I do for a living since 2017. I wish I had stood up to an abusive boss in 2017 and hired a lawyer. The guy would call me into his office during my scheduled breaks to grill me over my identity, while filming me with a camcorder he had set up on a tripod. I am literally the same person I have always been and my prints have been on file since I started my career in 2010, before becoming fully licensed in my field to have a salaried position. If that isn’t good enough, I’ve been a blood donor for Red Cross since 2009, and even have record of myself giving blood at mobile drives that were located on my university’s campus. Oh, and my former pediatrician took blood samples from me as a child. They can check my fingerprints from the early 90’s when local police enrolled my prints in the “find a child” program to prevent missing children. Anyway, I have been treated like crap since filing for divorce from my husband. I was treated better when we reconciled and were expecting baby number two. Then we split again, and I was treated like crap for filing for divorce for a second time.

Long story short, the world is really shallow and only cares about how your personal life appears. Oh, here is this woman with a math degree who is very good at math and loved her career. Oh, who is her husband and what does her marriage look like? Not good? Let’s shun her and bully her. That has been my existence since this all started. No one cares to honor my achievements and licensures. My parents celebrated more when my son was born. I’m treated like unwanted packaging that once held the prized gift inside that they were expecting on a holiday. Like some Amazon box that has been tossed to the curb after the shipment has arrived.

I know it’s a strange question, and I’m sure it would be removed from Ask Lemmy, or other parts of Lemmy. I have this situation where one of my relatives killed another relative in 1990, and buried her body on the property without law enforcement ever knowing. He also buried another relative who was killed (by a different person), and buried her body around 1996. I have made posts venting a little about it. It is always met with downvotes and people denying that it ever happened. I have even been called crazy and told to remove my posts.

I’d like a chance to show Lemmy readers that I’m not fabricating this story. I would love the opportunity to have cadaver dogs brought to my relative’s house and used to search the property. I’d be willing to film the process and post it to Lemmy for doubters to see. I have asked K-9 Hire if they will rent cadaver dogs to me, but they never returned my email, or called me. They were the only private business that I found in California that rents cadaver dogs to individuals without involving law enforcement. I have filed a report with law enforcement, but they haven’t responded to it.

Let’s not wait until “Dad” is dead. Let’s have him start answering some questions about the 1990’s while he is still here, and claiming to be my biological father. Speaking of which, I look nothing like him, and he often expresses how much he hates the way my face looks. Friends often asked if I was adopted, when I was younger. There are no legal adoption papers for me. I don’t think it would hurt to take a dna blood test from “dad” in a medical facility, where he can’t go walk a saliva tube to some other man and brag about it later. I am owed some answers. I am owed several apologies for the child abuse I endured between 1988 and 2006. I think I’m owed for the threats made towards me when I tell him that I am considering unearthing those bodies.

So the world takes his side, and hates snitches? How would the rest of the world have liked to have been those two relatives of mine that are buried here? How would they have liked to have been an abused child? Lemmy readers always complain about police not doing their job well. How well would they perform as police if they don’t care about murder and child abuse? So what am I asking for here? Help? Yes, actually. Does anyone know of a place that could rent cadaver dogs to me in California? If so, that would be such a great help to me.

People in my community are ignoring the dark brown, obvious, hair roots in nearly every photo of me and they’ve managed to spread a rumor that there are two of me. There aren’t. There is a bitter, short, adult male that is six years older than me and is trying to say he dated a prettier copy of me that doesn’t exist. I dated this guy for about three months, when he was a security guard. He is now a police officer in my home town, where he never lived or attended school. Apparently, he wanted to impress other guys, or protect his ego by saying he dated someone who looked like me; someone prettier who just had the same name.

My dna hasn’t changed. My fingerprints on file with dmv haven’t changed. My fingerprints on file with DOJ for job site clearance have never changed. Neither has my thumb print on my exams that I had to pass in order to work in my career field.

Regardless, I still am being put through hell since dumping him. Why did I dump him? He put my dog in a headlock in 2013, and tried to claim she attacked him. She was a puppy. I dumped him after he said, “I’m sorry for whatever you think you saw.” His daughter was the one that yelled at him to stop choking my dog. He told her to be quiet. Did we both see something? Oh, and apparently all custody of her went to her mom. The last time I saw her, she was running around a local pizza place in tattered clothes, and he wasn’t anywhere in sight. Maybe it just wasn’t his custody day? I didn’t see her mom there either, though. I really hope he didn’t let her go to foster care when he lost his security guard job.

If you had tried to pry a Monster or Rockstar from my hands last year, I would have had some choice words for you. I was drinking about two energy drinks per day last year and walking everywhere as transportation in a foreign country. Why so many energy drinks? Well, they were technically free. I had a food card overseas. I was living on less than €40 per week, too. I had no car, and would walk about two to five miles per day to go to various places in town, like shops, museums, libraries, and other public places. Due to being without a work visa, and walking so much, I developed an energy drink habit. When a doctor drew blood from me and analyzed my vitamin levels, the B vitamins were through the roof. I also noticed that I was short of breath, even though I was going to the gym every other day to stay in shape. Then I noticed my stomach was upset. Granted, with a food card of about €20 per week and less than €40 in cash each week, I resorted to living on imported ramen that was made in an African country that I didn’t even realize exported food to other countries. I wasn’t malnourished, but trying to stay on a budget and still afford essentials like toothpaste, deodorant, soap, razors, clothes, and other items, left me choosing the ramen over other items. Ramen and small cans of Red Bull (which I can’t usually stomach because of its after taste, but they were free). After that toxicity test, something needed to change. I decided to give up the energy drinks that are loaded with B vitamins. They DON’T wash out of your system like the nutrition course at my local college stated they do. They are harsh on your body. After that, I decided to give up caffeine completely. It just dehydrates the body, anyway. I feel better now. I’m also not spending a fortune on soda, coffee, and other caffeinated beverages now. I know someone will downvote me, while clutching their Monster, or Rockstar, and I feel for them. I would have downvoted me last year, too. You have to let the toxic cans/cups of energy go. You’ll feel better in a few weeks, if you do. I promise.

My husband and his friends will probably find this, while gaming on their PC’s, and downing their bottles of Redline. I’m sure it will upset them. It is what it is.

That’s all I want to ask. It’s 2024, people. Shouldn’t all of our buildings have more skylights and windows at this point? Why am I still seeing buildings that have lights running during the day? Why are buildings still being built in ways where we need to rely on artificial light when the sun is shining?!? So much money and electricity could be saved.

Either I never belonged in the remedial classes, the GED is a participation trophy, or both are true.

Bonus, I tested out of community college geometry, but struggle with online high school geometry. I mostly wanted the college class to have classroom support for the online high school classes. They refused to let me take the class because I tested out of it.

I've just become aware that this community has a new moderator! Congratulations to @ParabolicMotion@lemmy.world ! Moderating a community is a lot of thankless work, it's great to see a volunteer step in.

Since August of last year, I’ve been coming to terms with my divorce, being single, sharing custody of my two children, and starting over in a new home of my own. It wasn’t easy, and it’s been downright lonely sometimes, not having someone to talk to and share my thoughts with.

I’ve worked hard, put in the effort, and finally I came to terms with my being by myself. I thought so, at least. Then I needed some work done in my house, so I asked on NextDoor for recommendations, and you were the first to reach out to me. So I scheduled a time for you to come out to take a look at the work to be done.

I opened the door, and there you stood. You smiled at me and said hi. I kid you not when I say that my heart skipped a beat. I couldn’t believe how beautiful you were. Your eyes were so amazing. Your smile was warm and inviting. Of course, I don’t want to be “that guy” and say anything. You were there for a job after all. And we didn’t know each other.

Fast forward a couple of weeks, and you asked to call me about another job I needed done. We talked for a few hours on the phone, about more than just a job. I hate talking on the phone. But you made it easy. We talked about our failed marriages, and our kids. We talked about how we have a lot in common. I enjoyed it so much. I allowed myself to get hopeful.

But again, I didn’t want to be “that guy”, and I certainly didn’t want you to feel like my business hinged on my being attracted to you. You’ve done nothing wrong. But I can’t stop thinking about you, and hoping to find a natural opportunity to ask you to dinner. But should I? Worse yet, I may have to turn your quote down, because damn she’s expensive. I’m confused. Wouldn’t that be especially fucked up of me? It feels fucked up of me to consider it.

I feel like I do this to myself. I latch my feelings onto somebody I know I can’t be with, and I do it because it’s safer than putting myself out there in real life. I hype the person up so much in my mind, that I scare myself into believing that they would be abhorred at me if they found out. Maybe I do it because I believe deep down that I don’t deserve to be happy. That someone like her would have nothing to do with a guy like me.

This time, though, I feel it’s somehow different. I get butterflies thinking about her. I can’t remember the last time I had butterflies of any kind for someone. I genuinely feel like we have a lot in common. It feels right. And I want to deserve her. I want to be happy. What should I do?

I am truly honored. I hope every blood donation I gave was able to help save a life. I always wonder about how the recipients are doing, and what circumstances led them to need a life saving blood transfusion. The blood bank keeps all of that private for security reasons, of course, along with the name of the donors who donate. I just hope it all helped.

It has been really difficult to live in a state that is notorious for gangs, especially gangs that don’t resemble me. It is even more difficult when it comes time to apply for a job and I am faced with hiring committees that often are dominated by one gang, or another. It is even worse when it is a gang that seems to have money and power in this state. I was denied a summer job today after being interviewed by a team of all Latino managerial staff members. I have never been one to say I felt uncomfortable being the only white person, and only female, in an interview session, but I feel like I need to say it now. It made me uncomfortable. I could see them exchange looks to one another, while on the virtual camera, as if to insinuate that I didn’t fit in with their clique. I had the qualifications as a first responder for this job position, and have been previously employed by that employer. I even made a rescue that was noted in a previous year. I hate to say that, because it sounds like bragging, but it is part of my job experience.

I know someone is going to comment to the effect of, “why can’t you just apply in another California city where the hiring committee looks more like you?” My answer: “you want me to go apply in the hills and hope the skins take pity on me?” My blood type is NOT rh+. Why does that matter? Because California is full of blood gangs. There. I said it. I can’t just go sit at a different lunch table with all the other white people, as a metaphor for this instance. I’m not one of them, and it has been like this my whole life. So who can I sit with? I hate to make employment sound like a prison yard from a TV show here, but in some ways it is.

I used to think it was just the way my peers behaved in high school, but I soon realized girls on my volleyball team would never speak to me because it less about “people who went to their church”, and more about people who were part of their blood gang. Their church was a cover for a white blood gang where everyone was rh+. I was more than welcome to play tennis, even though many of my teammates didn’t look like me. Why? Because they weren’t part of some huge blood gang that was pretending to be a clique formed around a church group. Where are they now? Who knows. Maybe they joined that “church”, or maybe they moved out of California and had families of their own. Well, why doesn’t my older sister have these problems, then? She isn’t my biological sister. Apparently, she’s just a distant cousin that was raised with me, but I’m not really supposed to discuss it. There are a lot of issues like that with family, and how people are related, or not related.

Long story short, I feel like I need to move to another state. So where to? Alabama? Texas? North Carolina? I’m a registered democrat who gives blood every eight weeks to save the lives of newborns at the children’s hospital in this area. Most of the time, the babies saved by my blood are Latino/Latina. Oh, and the child I rescued in 2021, was African American. It doesn’t matter. As soon as groups (god forbid I say gangs) see my face, all they care about is the fact that I don’t look like everyone around here. Suddenly, I’m the enemy and I didn’t even do anything wrong. I’ve spent my whole life in California, for the most part. I have over 600 relatives in the South. You think they want to meet me? You think they’d like me? No, probably not. So where the hell am I supposed to go?!?

After two users admitted to doxxing me, and another admitted to digging through all of my past posts and comments, I decided to deleted my past posts. One user put my name, and my husband’s name into a comment box on one of my posts, and then tried to claim he hadn’t doxxed me for that information.

Another user decided to stalk my page, and then followed me to a post about my cat, where he proceeded to tell me I needed mental help for all of my other posts and comments. I called him out for stalking my page and digging through all of my past posts and comments in order to tell me that. I think stalkers need mental help, and a Lemmy user named Steak is totally a stalker. So to prevent people like that from digging through all of my past comments and posts, I have decided to delete many of them. Stalking is a mental illness, and many Lemmy readers don’t want to admit that. I hope readers like him seek mental help. There isn’t something wrong with searching for a missing spouse. There is something wrong with stalking and doxing a woman you’ve never met.

Two years ago, I was on the low end for BMI range. I went overseas and didn’t have a place to exercise. Despite walking everywhere, as transportation in that country, I put on weight. I blame it on having what I think was a sinus infection for a while. When I’m sick, I tend to eat more. Anyway, I gained a lot of weight over the course of two years. I have finally returned to a workout routine, along with giving up sodas and caffeine. I also have cut calories , and am keeping a calorie journal each day. I think it is helping.

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