Russia Concerned Their Copy of Epstein Files Worthless After Recent Trump Press Conference

(Moscow, Russia) Recent events in the US have alarmed Russian officials, as trump appears to have overcome his fears of association with Jeffery Epstein. On Sunday, the president held a press conference with Maisy, a “very mature” 17-year-old press aide, who he said will be helping him very closely while Melania is out of town. The president joyfully took questions from reporters, and noted several time his new aide’s age.

“She’s quite a girl, and very nimble,” the president noted as his aide stood beside him. The president took questions for 20 minutes, then left, holding his aide’s hand, aboard Marine 1.

The response in Russian security circles was immediate. “We paid so much for these files,” said one agent, on promise of anonymity. “Israel robbed us, and this was before they knew we’d help him win the presidency. He’s been so careful until now, but now it’s like he doesn’t care. It makes no sense.”

“Ukraine is going to get those tomahawk, I can feel it.”

But some Americans support the president’s stance. Bill Belichick, head football coach at UNC, said: “it’s good to see don living his best life. Republicans don’t have to follow the same rules that the rest of you do. I don’t think this Epstein stuff has the pull it once did, which is fortunate, if you ask me.”

And this outlook seems to follow in republican circles that can’t afford sports cars as well. Leo Sturbgetter, a cow-detangler in rural Detroit, said: “this Epstein business has run its course. We’re at war with gangs in Venezuela now. Also Obama needs to shut his mouth and there’s a squirrel that can water ski. We don’t have time for that any more.”

Democrats lament that their half-hearted efforts to release the files no longer seem to affect the president. They note that after six month of effort, they managed to release the names of several of the president’s republican enemies, which they call a win.

The First Ladies office could not be reached for comment.