Great detective work, you found my wife's account. Get a life
Means a lot, thank you
thanks, ya I actually set out for this site to be clean, apolitical satire about kids and parenting. a friend suggested this idea for an article and while i'm personally liberal, i can see humor in both sides. I by no means means aspire to be like babylon bee. There is, unfortunately, a ton of negativity in this sub dedicated to humor.
dude i run this website by myself as a side hobby and google adsense doesn't come close to covering the monthly web hosting so i am definitely too cheap to pay an artist at this point. I'd love to pay an artist someday if it were to make money
it is in that style for sure. It's the first political article I wrote for the site so I'm interested to see how it goes!
In an unprecedented move, 13-year-old Brandon “Tired Bones” Hayden announced yesterday that he will be stepping down from his longstanding position as Commander and Chief of Chores. Citing reasons of fatigue, mental decline, and bad golf scores. Brandon does not have the power to appoint his successor but since he only has one sibling, his 10 year old sister Carmella is the only logical choice given such short notice.
The decision came after months of speculation and whispers around the dinner table about Brandon’s ability to maintain the rigorous standards of chore duty established during his tenure. Neighbors and family members alike have noted his frequent confusion, increase in naps and tendency to stare blankly at the wall.
Carmella, who has been serving as the backup chores officer, expressed her readiness to take on the new role. “I’ve been in training for years,” she said “I know I have some orthopedic shoes to fill, but I’m confident I can make our household clean again.”
Read the rest of this satire news article and more at TattletaleTimes.com
Haha yes I could see that being confusing if you're looking at the current pic 😁
Thank god I wasn't that dumb, I would have died from embarrassment
I 100% agree so it makes this story even better.
A friend and his wife were at a social event and his wife was very early in pregnancy, they had only told their parents at this point. A 70-something year old man in a suit walks up to them out of the blue and says congratulations. They are taken aback because they didn't even consider him referring to the pregnancy. He goes on to say he is a retired obstetrician and because of years of experience can just tell.
Ballsy move by the doc but he sure did know his stuff.
He was very embarrassed but it very well could have not been for him personally. Either way it was a dumbass thing to say!
He was very embarrassed and went for the adult diapers. My 17 year old gangly, awkward self didn't help the situation at all either.
In highschool I worked at a pharmacy. 30-something man looks lost so I ask him if I can help him find something. He says diapers and I assume he's a father so I stupidly say "the adult ones are right down there but you don't need those ha ha, the baby diapers are down aisle 1"
You can guess the rest of the story...
while clutching a bath toy in each hand with a death grip
5 y/o, 2y/o and a dog here, I feel your pain! 😆
You're right, I forgot to include events that test parents' sanity and mental fortitude. That would really break the parents that are skating through the events due to their natural athletic ability.
due to feedback, i ditched the AI image and replaced it with a stock photo. I'll add an Edit note to the post to make sure its more clear.
no i understood! i started it with a 'thank you' but i could see how you could think that. I obviously am fluent in sarcasm or i wouldn't have this website.
ty, i'd love to pay for custom art/photos for articles someday but the website is just run by myself as a side hobby so needing to use the free options for now.
I have a hard time finding free stock photos for my articles at times so sometimes I use AI. Apologies Edit: I'll follow what the votes say and change the pic to the stock photo I was originally considering, thanks for the feedback
Parents worldwide have proposed a new group of events that showcase the everyday heroics required to raise children. These proposed events promise to be as grueling as the triathlon.
1. The Family Dog Walk The Family Dog Walk combines canine management with child safety in a chaotic, high-stakes event. Participants must walk two untrained dogs on leashes while pushing a stroller and ensuring a toddler doesn't dart into oncoming traffic. This event requires world-class coordination, iron-clad patience, and the reflexes of a professional athlete. Extra points for picking up dog poop without the stroller rolling away.
2. The Toddler PJ Wrestling Match Inspired by the ancient art of Greco-Roman wrestling, the Toddler PJ Wrestling Match challenges parents to wrestle a wriggling toddler into a pair of zip-up pajamas that are at least one size too small. Competitors must contend with the notorious "alligator roll," where the toddler thrashes and flails with the agility of a gazelle. Points are awarded for speed, technique, and completing the match without the parent or toddler crying.
Read the rest of this article and more at TattletaleTimes.com
EDIT: Changed article picture to stock photo due to feedback
Despite all my rage I'm still just a poss in a cage 🎸
I was interested why I saw her during the day. I googled it and sounds like they sometimes need to stay up during the day to care for and feed their babies. Sounds a lot like humans with newborns.
Apparently, babies of all species keep their mamas' awake!
5 Summer Activities Sure to Ruin Your Lawn Summer is here, and that means one thing: it’s time to watch in horror as your lawn turns into a post-apocalyptic wasteland. Why fight it? Embrace the inevitable chaos with these five activities guaranteed to obliterate that golf course-caliber lawn you’ve been working years on. You might as well lay down wood chips and call it a day, because those little savages will destroy it by fall one way or another.
1. Slip and Slide Ah, the slip and slide – the classic summer activity that promises fun, laughter, and a lawn that looks like it hosted a mud-wrestling tournament. After a few hours of kids hurling themselves down a plastic sheet at breakneck speed, your once-lush grass will be nothing more than a distant memory. The combination of water and trampling is sure to create a muddy disaster zone. Just remember, mud is nature’s way of saying, “You never really liked grass that much anyway.”
Read the rest of the satire news article here at TattletaleTimes.com
This week, a groundbreaking advancement in drone technology has overbearing parents nationwide sighing in relief and children hiding in terror. Drone manufacturer HoverHawk released their latest product: the Helicopter Parent, a drone designed to provide around-the-clock, relentless supervision of your soon to be traumatized children.
The Helicopter Parent, a sleek black quadcopter, comes equipped with the latest in surveillance technology, including 4K cameras, facial recognition, and a megaphone for issuing real-time scoldings from your smartphone.
The new drone can hover silently or employ a “gentle hum” setting for those who prefer a more constant, oppressive presence, also features thermal imaging for night-time monitoring and a proximity alert system that sounds an alarm if a child steps outside a designated area, such as their front yard, school, or out of arm’s reach of a parent.
Read the rest of the satire news article here at TattletaleTimes.com
In a suburban home strikingly similar to every other house on the block, local mom Karen Patterson has reportedly issued her 487th consecutive threat that she will undoubtedly not follow through. Witnesses report that it’s not just her two children that know the local mom is full of empty threats, the whole school knows.
“I mean it this time, I will count to three and if you don’t clean up your toys, there will be consequences,” Patterson lied with a conviction that was immediately called into question by both her children and even the family’s misbehaved beagle. Counting to three, which has been a staple in the Patterson household, frequently ends with Karen giving up and scrolling through Instagram on her phone.
Read the rest of the satire news article here at TattletaleTimes.com
In a surprising twist that has sent shockwaves through the educational television community, beloved children’s entertainer Ms. Rachel has officially taken over Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood. The first order of business? Retiring the iconic overalls for a collection of cozy cardigans that would make your grandma jealous.
The announcement was made during a special episode where Ms. Rachel serenaded the audience with a heartwarming rendition of “Won’t You Be My Neighbor?” leaving millions of toddlers confused and nostalgic adults thrilled.
Read the rest of the satire news article here on TattletaleTimes.com
6-year-old Mark Buffet has posed a question that has left his mother, Nancy Buffet, both bewildered and concerned: “Mom, are there any other fairies like the Tooth Fairy that pay money for human body parts?”
The question reportedly arose yesterday morning after Mark found $5 under his pillow in exchange for his latest lost tooth, sparking an entrepreneurial curiosity about the potential fortune he could make if something like the appendix fairy exists.
Read the rest of the satire news article here on TattletaleTimes.com
In a scene not too uncommon in today’s world, local dad Alan Devlin reassured his high school son, Keith, with an enthusiastic “You got this!” to cover for having absolutely no idea how to help him with his Algebra homework.
Keith, a sophomore at Quadratic High, initially welcomed his dad’s encouragement. “At first, I thought he was just trying to boost my confidence,” Keith said. "But then I realized he had absolutely no clue what he was talking about when he started using phrases like “x equals whatever you want it to be” and “Try dividing by zero.”
Read the rest of the satire news article here on TattletaleTimes.com
In local news, a man’s reaction to his six-year-old son’s excitement over catching a six-inch bluegill has raised eyebrows in the community. Despite the child’s genuine joy and enthusiasm at reeling in his first catch, the father expressed disappointment, considering it a “pathetic” accomplishment.
Sources close to the situation reported that the father muttered, “Big deal, anyone can catch a bluegill. They’re practically brain-dead and will bite anything you throw at them, even a bare hook. It’s not like he caught a trophy bass or anything worth bragging about.”
Read the rest of the satire news article on TattletaleTimes.com
In a quiet suburban neighborhood where minivans outnumber streetlights, a group of women have been ingeniously disguising their love of wine as a book club. While their intentions may be transparent to everyone else, these winos insist that their guise is a stroke of genius. “It’s a sophisticated literary club that explores classic as well contemporary novels, okay? We don’t have a wine problem. We can stop anytime we want!” said club president, Charlotte Chardonnay, as she poured herself another glass of Merlot. “We appreciate literature just as much as we appreciate a glass of wine filled to the brim. Why not combine the two?”
Read the rest of the article here at TattletaleTimes.com
Ryder, the local young leader of the Paw Patrol, has long been a fixture in Adventure Bay. He is often seen gallivanting around town with his high-tech ATVs or overseeing operations in his pup-filled command center. However, recent concerns about his upbringing have left many locals bewildered and wondering where the hell are Ryder’s parents?
“I see that kid zooming around town on his ATV at all hours of the day and night,” expressed one concerned citizen. “Doesn’t he have a bedtime? And where are his parents when he’s operating heavy machinery without any formal training? I have never even heard his parents being referenced, let alone seen proof that they exist. The kid can’t be more than 10 years old! Where are social services?”
Read the rest of the satire news article here on TattletaleTimes.com
The ever-unpredictable Joe Rogan Experience shattered another mold this week, welcoming its youngest guest ever: 9-year-old Alec Jones, a fourth grader from Austin, Texas. The episode, which aired yesterday, left audiences both amused and bewildered as Rogan delved into topics including ancient archeology, memories of the Comedy Store, and ice baths.
“It’s entirely possible that this kid might just be the next big thing,” Rogan declared at the start of the episode, As the interview kicked off, Rogan wasted no time diving. “So, Alec, what’s your workout routine like? Do you hit the monkey bars hard, or are you more of a dodgeball kind of kid?” he inquired curiously.
Read the rest of the satire news article here on TattletaleTimes.com
In a stunning display of comedic ineptitude, a local child has been found to be exceptionally bad at improv during his playtime with friends. The seven year old child, whose name has been withheld to protect his identity, has been reported to consistently fail at the fundamental concept of “yes, and,” leaving his playmates frustrated and bored.
According to sources close to the child, he has a habit of blocking instead of engaging in the collaborative back-and-forth that defines good improv. “He always says things like, ‘No, I don’t want to go to the zoo’ or ‘I’m not a pirate,'” expressed a frustrated playmate. “It’s like, come on, we’re pretending here! Can’t you use your imagination and go along with it?!”
Read the rest of the satire news article here on TattletaleTimes.com
There’s a up-and-coming political star that is making waves on the local level, 5-year-old Jerry Manders from Chicago, Illinois, has been identified as a lying prodigy with a skill set so advanced that he is already being hailed as a future star in American politics.
“Yes, I did my homework last night,” Jerry fibbed to his kindergarten teacher earlier this week, not knowing that this precise moment would set him on a path to future public office. Jerry, who had instead spent the prior evening watching toy unboxing videos, showcased a remarkable aptitude for deflecting blame, disarming his opponents with confusing rhetoric, and a natural talent for lying constantly—all foundational skills in the political arena.
https://tattletaletimes.com/index.php/2023/09/01/jerry-manders-5-year-old-prodigy-liar-already-hailed-as-future-political-star/
In a groundbreaking discovery, scientists have identified a new gene that they believe is responsible for making some people "big-boned." The news has been met with excitement from husky, sturdy, and hefty children worldwide who have long been told that t
In a groundbreaking development, scientists have identified a newly discovered gene believed to contribute to a larger bone structure in some individuals, popularly referred to as being “big-boned.” This news has sparked excitement among sturdy, husky, and hefty children worldwide, who have often faced assumptions that their weight is solely a result of embarrassingly poor dietary choices and near-zero amount of exercise.
Dubbed the “big bone” gene, this revolutionary discovery is set to shake up the world of genetics and weight loss. For years, overweight individuals have been told that their size is a result of their lifestyle choices, but now they can rest assured that their weight is simply a matter of genetics.
Read the rest of the satire news article here on TattletaleTimes.com
In a stunning display of comedic ineptitude, a local child has been found to be exceptionally bad at improv during his playtime with friends. The seven year old child, whose name has been withheld to protect his identity, has been reported to consistently
In a stunning display of comedic ineptitude, a local child has been found to be exceptionally bad at improv during his playtime with friends. The seven year old child, whose name has been withheld to protect his identity, has been reported to consistently fail at the fundamental concept of “yes, and,” leaving his playmates frustrated and bored.
According to sources close to the child, he has a habit of blocking instead of engaging in the collaborative back-and-forth that defines good improv. “He always says things like, ‘No, I don’t want to go to the zoo’ or ‘I’m not a pirate,'” expressed a frustrated playmate. “It’s like, come on, we’re pretending here! Can’t you use your imagination and go along with it?!”
Rest of the article found here on the satire news website TattletaleTimes.com
**!tattletaletimes@lemmy.world **
Tattletale Times is a satire news website focused the humorous side of parenting and children. Think of the Onion but for dreary eyed moms and dads.
Some sample headlines are: "Child Boldly Claims Broken Toy Coincidentally His Favorite One" "Jerry Manders, 5-Year-Old Prodigy Liar, Already Hailed as Future Political Star" "Stop or I'll Say Stop Again! Yells Mom Known for Empty Threats"
Come check out the community where new articles are posted. Feedback is welcome!
https://www.tattletaletimes.com/index.php/2023/11/25/stop-or-ill-say-stop-again-yells-mom-known-for-empty-threats/