Not to brag, but, with a little bit of trainig, I think I can easily win against a trout, as long as the fight is not in the water. But we're only talking hypotheticaly, of course. It would only come to that if the trout picks up the fight first and we don't manage to resolve our issue with healthy communication... I'm not a monster.
78A snake.
Because I'm Australian and grew up in the country, I was taught how to take them down with a sharpened shovel when I was five. Coincidentally, I got my first one a few months later in the garage when it rushed out of a tarpaulin toward me and I shoveled the head off, just like mum taught me. Common brown too (a.k.a Eastern Brown, but they're everywhere. One of the most venomous snakes in the world).
My next one was a red-belly black snake that rushed out of a log. I used a mallet to crush the head and was 6. Also one of the venomous snakes in the world. We have most of them here.
Always go straight for the head with distance and speed.
It may sound cruel to not try scare them into an area and call someone for removal, but they're just too dangerous. And if it's there, it's made territory there, so if you lose it it will definitely show up again. Most are aggressive, so you need to take the chance when you've got it because it's simply more dangerous not to and come off second best next time.
It's also common to deal with pythons, getting one sunbaking off the road or out of the house if it overstepped it's boundaries. We like those ones though and definitely don't hurt them, especially if they make home in the roof or under the house. They keep the possums and mice away, therefore the venomous ground snakes away. Roof python is snek bro and a very welcome guest. It's sad when you notice one's probably moved out :(
57I grew up in rural Canada. A guy I knew was drunk in the woods with friends and tried to ride a young deer that came up to them(the deer got used to people in that area feeding them, something that is not recommended) annnnnnd it beat the shit out of him and his 6 friends. He got a bad concussion and lost sight in one of his eyes.
Don't fuck with animals. They are built different.
37You need to ask why, thats how you get the hour long explanation
18House centipede. In fact, I could probably take on two of them!
Not three though.
15Humans have no real advantages in a 1:1 fight agains most larger mammals. A lot have horns, tusks, claws…
Humans got their points in STA, AGI, and INT. We don’t defeat large mammals in unarmed combat. We can barely handle anything much larger than a boar with close arms like a spear.
No, we defeat large animals by outsmarting and outlasting them. And usually that only works when we are on the offense and have an advantage by stalking. In a fair fight that gets a lot more challenging. Horses are fucking fast. Persistence hunting may have worked, but that’s by us chasing the prey.
So, assuming we are facing head to head, at the start of the fight, I would probably fake to the right, then run past the horse on my left. It’ll take him a while to turn around. That’ll buy me a few seconds to hopefully run somewhere where there are some obstacles or corners on the way to higher ground. If I can climb and get above the horse, all bets are off. Only Nirn horses are decent climbers.
12But do not forget to specify, that you mean 'in a fight'.
12If I could turn off my empathy and love for animals I think I could defeat a Husky, maybe a German Shepard or similar with a kick to the head.
A single sheep? Maybe, if it's not a mother. Goat? Fuck no. Anything larger than that and I have no fucking chance. Perhaps I could scare a deer, but that's it.
8I like my odds against most things the size of a large raccoon or smaller. Most things larger than that would probably smoke me.
8If the animal is bigger than my pinky finger I would probably just run the other way, so I hope I don't get asked this.
This doesn't mean that at that size or smaller I would win, just that we can start talking about it.
7This question always trips me up because life is random. A human would probably win against a rat 99.9% of the time. But there is that scenario where the rat happens to bite in just the right spot and you bleed out. Same thing would happen in the inverse. Would a human beat a wolf, improbable. But there is that scenario where the wolf gets its neck too close to a human who goes primal and bites down and rips out as much as possible.
Myself? Maybe a dog if it was never trained to fight or defend.
7I think I could take on a coconut crab but may lose some limbs to do it.
6An adolescent kangaroo.
4How has nobody linked what might be the best chart of all time
4My wife was worried about raccoons around the dumpster, and I told her I classify animals into 2 threat levels. Puntable, and non-puntable. If you can punt it, you don't need to be afraid of it. Raccoons, small dogs, even geese, all fit in this category. If you can't punt it, then you need to be wary of it, so moose, mountain-lion, irukandji, best to keep your distance.
3Took him 3 minutes to make that decision. Only hour was hers...
3I can take any of them! Fossil fuel burning intensifies
3I could probably hold my own against a tardigrade.
2Hand to hand, with no weapons and just my bare hands & teeth? I could maybe take a mouse... and I'd still probably come away with some wounds. Probably a small, non-venomous snake as well.
2Dog, a Chihuahua to be specific.
2I will take on every animal at once, and win.
By being elected president on a platform of bog-standard normal liberalism, FDR style, behind a remotely charismatic personality rather than a shambling horrid human corpse. I will legislate the space force to create huge satellites that catch solar energy and funnel that energy down to the surface with big microwaves. I will take this opportunity to equip the space stations with hypersonic aircraft that will drop normal supersonic personnel carriers, ensuring a global response time of only a few hours. This will probably be less monetarily intensive than putting a US military base everywhere on the planet, so I'd use those savings to expand the nuclear arsenal, and possibly deploy some of those weapons to space in secret under the guise of some commercial wi-fi satellite ventures. I will reveal this fact to everyone later on once they have all been globally deployed and nobody has any countermeasures, and then I'll start performing a bloody hostile takeover of the planet.
Then, I will attempt to quintuple global fossil fuel output. I don't know what we'll use all this excess energy for, probably we'd just use it to build more horrible weapons of war, or huge impenetrable underground citadels, or whatever. I will get rid of regulation for industry, ensuring massive environmental disasters. I will even tell the CIA to do some of them probably, nord stream pipeline style, and they'll probably do it cause they're crazy. Maybe I'll use the microwave power grid to blow up some of my enemies by boiling them until they explode.
At the end of my term as god emperor dictator, a disgrace and shell of my former self, I will use the nuclear football to ensure no life on the planet survives, except for maybe basic viruses, bacteria, and maybe a couple different insects. I will arise from my presidential super-bunker to face a barren world. A perfect world, free from sin. Thus concludes the 2nd Global Emu War.
If I wasn't going to do any of that and I just had to give like the least dangerous animal I personally could take on, I'd probably say like. Maybe a stray ant. That might be too sad, though, because that's just a lonely ant and it's sort of too pathetic to kill it. Maybe like a really evil guy that's about to die anyways? But that's also too sad, because that's just a meat-puppet automaton of life that has shambled around until it's shut down. Maybe I could just kill like, dick cheney, or something, someone super evil. He looks too much like george costanza for me to do that though, I think.
Edit: actually I think I could take on any invasive species of animal barehanded, with a combination of my extremely tough fists that I have been spraying with dog medicine, and tai chi exercise DVD training regimen.
2I mean, a small dog
Just kick the fucker1
