What is the magic diet for no-wipe poops?

I call those poops flawless victories.

Fry ups make my shit come out like a greased otter. Probably all the oil.

Healthy, fibre heavy foods make a right mess, like tar. Even the travel bidet struggles with that.

It sounds like you may have a a slight case of steattorhea? Do these otter poops float as well?
Because if so, it might be some slight absorption issue. I seem to have one, my poops being very much like you describe. Both, at times.
But when I went on an exclusion diet and then added things back in I realised I apparently have a slight gluten sensitivity. Leaving out gluten and dairy completely made an insane change. Even when I would eat greasy chicken wings, I wouldn't get dem greasy otter poops. Just like, more regular poops, despite what I ate.
I'm not saying you have the same thing, just saying I had that.
Related though, there is I believe like an over-the-counter supplement that's enzymes which help with the absorption / break down of the food, because greasy stools can be a result of too little of some pancreatic enzymes or something.
Am not a trained medical professional, btw, so don't take medical advice from me. But like, things to look up at least.
- As a gluten and fructose intolerant person, I agree. That shit makes shit shit.

none, or get a bidet, but you would want to wipe for sanitary reasons anyways.

I think you missed the point.
"No wipe poops" doesn't mean you never wipe again. It means poop that leaves behind insignificant residue.
I periodicity have these, and it's a joy. There's definitely a dietary aspect to it, and moving that direction seems to be the point here.
- Thank you for understanding and emphasis on the point of my question 👍
- Even when there's no obvious sign of poo out still feels wet like I'm wiping normally. I would always want to wipe at least once to get all the sweat and residue from the past few hours that naturally accumulate for just being a human.

You can get close by eating vegan.

Sorry, I don't know enough vegans to sustain my diet..
/s

Fiber and good gut biome. It can take a while to correct if out of wack.

Eat less frequently. OMAD or skip one meal. Also if you’re drinking a lot of water, supplement with electrolyte capsules (no Gatorade) to maintain optimal function. Reduce or eliminate snacking between meals.

the large intestines absorbs water, electrolytes, and vitamins. It won’t function as well if your shits out of whack.

Sugar makes my poo real bad, candy especially. My gut biome just can’t handle it.

Otherwise it’s just fibre from vegetables and fruit pretty much

A bidet

I find they’re hard to eat.
- You have to eat them one bidet at a time.

No such thing, your own body is your own body and how it functions is entirely for you to manage, figure out and maintain. The shape of your anus and buttocks has as much impact on the cleanliness and ease of your bowel movements as your diet.

You have to follow the basics of self-care and have a healthy diet including a lot of vegetables, grains and legumes with fiber, low-fat proteins, healthy oils like olive oil in moderate amounts. Stay away from processed foods, and if you don't know what constitutes processed food, you need to learn to walk before you run. Do some searches. You have the wealth of Humanity's knowledge at your fingers.

Just don't eat fast-food, cut back on beef, learn to make beans and rice and chicken/tofu dishes and eat some fresh greens daily if you can. Get exercise every day. DRINK LOTS OF WATER EVEN IF YOU DON'T THINK YOU'RE THIRSTY.

Will all this give you solid, clean bowel movements? No idea, in fact if you're not used to eating like this, you will probably need months to adjust to it and may have periods of loose stools or even constipation before you start having healthier, easier bathroom times. You will also save a lot of money and you will feel healthier and have more energy and may live longer. I would take all that over "no wipe poops."

If you're really struggling wiping, stop. Buy a bidet or a hand-held shower-head with a long hose and just use toilet paper to wipe dry. It's absolutely criminal that parents don't teach their kids proper bathroom hygiene and now we have a whole generation of people who struggle in the bathroom.

Thanks for the random response! Most everything you said makes good sense 👍
Nah, no problems wiping here, I just asked as a generic discussion question that I think everyone has some interest in.
- Glad you appreciate it. I figured it might be just a polling question for engagement, which is why I dropped a thorough back-to-basics summary.
  But I stand by the last part, I have read far, far too many posts across different sites from grown-ass men and women who struggle keeping the area between their legs from crusting over. There are men scared to touch their own asses and never wash lest they turn gay, and women who think getting water in their vagina will make them go to hell or pregnant or shit, and posts by the partners of these people who have no idea how to address it.
  We have a checked out generation relying on Grok and ChatGTP to tell them how to do basic human functions. I feel like this is a recipe for even worst outcomes somewhere down the road.

Wax your ass
Get a squatting stool
Don’t eat spicy food
High Fiber, meaning, don’t eat anything purréd
Try to eat a salad with lunch/dinner
Limit or eliminate processed foods
Limit saturated fat intake up until the point your gallbladder can keep up
Red sauces, not white sauces
Eliminate fried food
Eat foods that are in a form where you can visually discern each major ingredient. (That’s kinda where the term “Whole Foods” comes from)
Eat lean proteins like chicken/fish/Pork (not bacon)

Taco Bell takes issue with like half of these.
You lost me at 3 ngl.
You don't need to wax your ass if you produce teflon grade poops as asked in this thread. I found out week long feats of uninterrupted veganism helped, so i'd argue balancing fibre intake is key. But i'm not doctor, just like the person i just replyed to.
Why no spicy food?
- I think it's more likely to accelerate digestion and it can give you the runs, not 100% sure on that explanation though
- It totally depends on the individual, but jalapeños give me diarrhea every time without fail. Spicy food causes general GI upset and inflammation.
Only thing id add is staying properly hydrated

A bidet.

Interesting diet choice..
- It's pretty good after the first few bites.

Consistent ghost poops whenever I'm eating vegan consistently.

Mainly because meat gets swapped to beans and other high fibre options

Get a bidet

Those don't taste that great though, not for my daily diet anyways..

Hire a ghost to poop for you. Ezpz

Instructions unclear; shit in sink.

Buy or make L.reuteri yoghurt or supplement pill. I'm treating my acid reflux with it. Its truly remarkable how good it makes your tummy and butt exit door feel.

Lots of cheese. Don't need to wipe if your shit is solid as a brick.

sounds like asking for a hemmaroid.
Damn you, I have a sealed block of sharp cheddar that I might have to open tonight..

I don't know but I do know eating frosted mini wheats, maybe 9-12 per day, dry, certainly helps.

High fiber and proper hydration.

I actually find low hydration is the best approach. The system removes a lot more moisture from the waste resulting in solid non-smearing packets.
- Pretty sure that's not how that works.
- Then you risk constipation.
I drink hella water and eat nothing but greens, beans, and whole grains... stilly sticky as, well, shit. So there's clearly other factors at play.
- So no sugar or even aspartame? Dairy? You might also have an allergy.

Cyanide and a belief in reincarnation.

Because often the reason your turds are Like That is genetics and the only solution would be to become a different person.

Stop using toilet paper as your primary. Bidets are remarkably more convenient and cheaper in the long run. It's literally night and day better.

We tried that once. Couldn't get it installed, the original plumbing lines were (and still are) too corroded together. They can't be separated where the water line to the toilet tank is, without lots of work we can't afford.
Also, I didn't ask about wiping vs bidet, I asked about a healthier/cleaner poop diet.
- Portable, battery powered bidets exist.
Pretty much illegal (or at least a grey area) in my country. No insurance will cover a bathroom flood issue even if bidet was installed by a licenced pro.

Regular moderate exercise and avoiding just eating mostly sugar has helped me.

I think I rank this question up there with the fate of our universe and the meaning of life. It's just a scientific mystery that is beyond our ability to understand.

Sugar free orange flavored metamucil. No joke. Mix up one or two spoonfuls each morning and in the next day or two your shits will start being magical.

Citrucel is also pretty great especially if metamucil gives you some gas.
If pooping was an Olympic sport, fiber would be performance enhancing.
Not entirely true. Metamucil, as it contains mostly soluble fiber, will help with regularity, but not with firmness. For firmer stools, thus "no wipe," more INsoluble fiber is the way to go.
Seconding this. It's honestly a little embarrassing how much taking solid shits improves your life. Bathroom breaks are quicker, don't stink as much, and you save a fortune on toilet paper. My diet has since improved to the point where I don't need it, but I still keep a couple tubs of it in the pantry just in case.

Always gotta wipe, just in case, but I rarely actually need to. No idea what I'm doing right so here's some facts about my diet

I drink a gallon+ between straight water, coffee, and flavored sparkling water (no calorie, aspartame-sweetened)
My breakfast is usually cereal with 1% milk or bacon and eggs once a week.

Ramen for lunch

Pizza or pasta for dinner, with a vegetable side

Fruits and whatnot are eaten intermittently as snacks.

Hope this helps I guess its not the best diet but I'm always regular.

Ramen itself gives me the shits...
- Eat enough that your body gets used to it?
  If I had to guess I'd say its based on the amount of water I drink, and maybe coffee poops keeping me regular, less about the diet itself.
  Dunno for sure, but I do know I have been so regular it was a surprise when someone told me a bidet reduces toilet paper usage, because I just didn't believe it could do so. That's because it can't in my case. Takes me about as long to poop as it does to pee. Wish I could tell you what exactly I'm doing right but something is right.
- Problem solved?

Clean your ass.

Why?
- So you don't smell like shit. Even a terrible parent will teach you at least that much.

I need this answer too lol

Marry a coprophile.

Colostomy bag

I don't think they're edible
- Just stick a straw in it like a capri-sun.

wax

There is no such thing. At best, you'll do one courtesy wipe and hang the paper back.

I hear ya there. It's just those rare occasions, where you wipe once, always gotta make sure, and that first wipe shows you were already luckily clean, it just makes ya wonder..

Lots of alcohol. I've met guys who haven't had a solid shit in years.

But wouldn't you need an extremely solid poop to not have to wipe? I know alcoholics and I know they're making splatter in the toilet. No way in hell you don't have to wipe after that.
- There's no way you can obtain wipelessness without some technique!
  Get a forceful stream so it doesn't dribble down ya, but not so forceful that it bounces back.
- nah there's a special zone where it doesn't splash back nor leave any but the smallest of traces on your anus

Less fluid intake? Then your body will take moisture from the poo.

More fluid. They slip right out.

Being ok smelling like shit.