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Transfem @lemmy.blahaj.zone
MystValkyrie @lemmy.blahaj.zone

How do you kick the Reddit habit?

cw: TERFs and general transphobia

For the most part, I avoid Reddit like the plague, but when I'm feeling sad, I find myself going on r/terf_trans_alliance, and then I feel worse.

I don't know what drives them to participate, but the minority of trans posters are ridiculed, subjected to abusive comments, and mass downvoted for any attempt to get through to them in a way that isn't absolute self-flagellating placation. Some things I noticed after just a minute or two of scrolling:

There's this stereotype that Reddit is this liberal echo chamber, but I seem to know all of the many places where it's not, and I seek out those places when I know they'll hurt me.

For those of you just on Lemmy, what are your strategies not to stray back to Reddit?

25 comments

  • How do you kick the Reddit habit?

    I've got banned... reason: transphobia :(

    I miss my r/4tran4 :( so so so much :(-

  • I have a pretty aggressive ad blocking and reddit, YouTube, etc. Don't like that. Also, I dumped most of the social media that explicitly spies on you or implemented policies that LGBTQ+ and immigrant hate speech is excluded from their moderation topics and thus allowed. That all was motivation enough for me.

    I do still often need to see some posts for information that is only there for the most part. So I use the LibRedirect plugin for Firefox/Ironfox so i don't have to log in for read-only purposes.

  • Go post something anti-Elon and pro-Palestine and they'll permanently ban you. Problem solved

  • Use an app or some other web blocker to stop yourself from loading the site. And when you have the addiction itch and get blocked, try to remember that you’re blocking it for a reason, and you don’t actually want to go there. It’ll take a while for your brain to adjust, but after a few days or weeks, you won’t even try to go there any more. YMMV, but that worked for me.

  • when I’m feeling sad, I find myself going on r/terf_trans_alliance, and then I feel worse.

    That sub exists specifically to prey on folk like you. Folk that are struggling with internalised transphobia and self worth issues.

    Transphobes (and bigots in general) actively seek people they can demonstrate their bigotry against. It's performative, to improve their in group cohesion, and it addresses their own self worth issues and let's them feel empowered.

    That sub exists purely to attract people for them to prey on.

    They're preying on you, because hurting you and folk like you brings them joy.

    You stop going, because even though dealing with your own self image can be a long battle, it's a battle you can navigate without empowering them.

    • Piggy-backing off of Ada's excellent advice, here...

      Op, do you know what a troll is? It's a shitty monster under a bridge, that lives under a bridge, and attacks you or tries to get a toll, or payment from you when you get close or try to cross the bridge.

      The analogy here is that if you find yourself feeling shitty, the last place you should go should be to go see the trolls. They're always going to be there, and they're always going to be shitty. You aren't going to win, because they're trolls, it's what they do, it's why they exist. The damn subreddit name is even a euphemism for a bridge, for crying out loud.

      So, when I say, "don't feed the trolls", it means, without food, the trolls will just be quietly living under their little bridges, waiting.

      Go to a park. Watch some anime. Make a casserole. Watch the clouds. Be anywhere but where the trolls are. DON'T FEED THE TROLLS.

      If you don't want to hurt, stop going to where it hurts. I know this is sometimes easier said than done, but you ARE worth more, and you don't deserve that kind of abuse, no matter what they, or your hurt subconscious tells you. You gotta make the decision, consciously, maybe even VERBALLY (I have to do this sometimes) that you don't want to be miserable and to try your best, consciously, to figure out what is best for you.

      Invest in yourself. Invest in your future. Drink water, get as much fresh air as you can, and maybe even some sunlight (hsssssss). Music that makes you feel good is always a plus. I've been trying to remember to listen to music, lately. It's too easy to forget what makes you happy. Sometimes, what makes you happy changes, and that's okay, it just means you need to explore your feelings a little bit.

      Also, trans community is generally good. I find that when I spend too much time around only cis people or anybody not woke enough, I get like this weird stress in my chest and throat from having a constant low-key panic from hiding what I'm worried about and putting on a brave face. Don't do that. Do your best to try to find your people, if you haven't already.

      Please take care of yourself, op. And, when in doubt, consider what yourself in the future would appreciate you spending your time on. It may suck, but at least future-you might appreciate it.

      I know a lot of this is cliche as hell, but all of this is advice that I've personally found that works and is the best I can give you publicly.

  • They way I've broken off every website I no longer want to support is to delete my account (if there is one), then wipe it from my browser -- right click on a page from the site in my history, and select "Forget about this site...". Then remove any bookmarks, if I have them. It feels like burning a literal bridge. I no longer see the icon or page titles in my history, and no longer have a one-click entry back into that place.

  • I remind myself of the API drama and just straight up don't visit Reddit.

    There are good reddit subs but I don't visit those anymore either because of the CEO being corrupt.

  • I also have problems with moments where I stray back to reddit and even 4chan occasionally. I'm the same as you and do this when I feel sad or doubtful about my life. As the others have said, this is exactly what the hateful people there want. I don't have any advice that hasn't been said but what I do is just be very very conscious of that fact. They want you to come back, they want you to feel bad. You can just not do it. It's not always easy. But making coffee, going for a walk, reading a book, doing some silly computer thing etc. are all things that make me happier than going back to those websites. They show me that I have a life worth living regardless of what people online think about me.

  • Like an ex, just go no contact. Time heals all wounds.

  • I use uBlock Origin and add reddit to the filter list. I also have blocked reddit using my /etc/hosts file.

    I have also setup redirector plugins that can be used to redirect when I go to a particularly toxic subreddit, e.g. redirecting something like /r/terf_trans_alliance to /r/sewing or whatever community you enjoy that is more wholesome (that's just one of mine - I also love /r/OUTFITS).

    Also, if you're in the US you should probably be using a VPN no matter what, and in that case Reddit will (usually) block you, easy!

    Mostly it's just psychology, though - why do you go to read that place to hurt yourself? Are there healthier ways to hurt yourself?

    ::: spoiler content warning: self harm

    Sometimes when I want to cut and beat myself, I will instead go into a stress position like a plank, and then I'll hold it until it really hurts and my impulses to self harm are "satisfied".

    You might consider if there are harm reducing alternatives like this for you?

    I'm not sure what that might look like for you, since it's particular to your psychology, but there are plenty of places to find transphobia, hell you could self-flagellate by watching Sex and the City episodes. :::

    Even better would be to find ways to work on the underlying reasons that motivate you to hurt yourself, in the long term that's where the focus should be, I would imagine. Maybe something to see a therapist about?

  • By going and observing you are implicitly endorsing that there is some value in what they do there. You might ideologically disagree, but even by observing it you're showing that what they do is worth observing.

    I use a similar logic with fascists. Its not a bad thing to be informed on how fascists and terfs think. As a community we can best protect ourselves by understanding who seeks to attack us and defending ourselves accordingly. Thats one of the reasons communities like blahaj.zone are so important. No corporations can come here, and terfs and fascists are banned wherever they appear.

    There is nothing of value in what happens in that community. TERFs dont hate us because they have a rational framework of disagreement with us, they hate us because we are trans. They despise that very core of who we are. It's not like there are any grounds for discussion with them. I can't convince someone who hates trans people that trans people do not deserve hate. They weren't convinced to begin with. They hated people who are different from them, people who do not fit into the boundaries of sexuality and gender they see as sacred. There is nothing to be gained from speaking with them. There is nothing to be gained from debating them. There is nothing to be gained from paying attention to them. I can tell you right now what you will find there. You already know what you will find there yourself. It serves nothing to look. You're only inflicting actual real psychological harm on yourself by going there, and giving them attention only feeds their desire to cause you pain. They hate us. They want to call us slurs to our faces to make us feel bad about ourselves. They delight in our suffering. They know that trans people go there, that is ostensibly the point, and they love that, they love that trans people go to that community and suffer real psychological harm from engaging with them.

    Ive argued with many a terf and transphobe in my day. Along with loads of racists and misogynists and homophobes and fascists. I spent a significant part of my early 20s arguing with them. And I'll be honest and tell you that frequently engaging with and seeing and hearing the things they say hurt me and traumatized me on deep foundational levels that I am still working to heal from. It is categorically not worth it. It's not worth it. They dont care what you think, they want you to read what they say and be in pain because of it.

    You have to respect yourself enough to stop. I know that sounds harsh, and I genuinely dont mean to be harsh. It just comes down to that. You are worth more than a source of pain for ravenous bigots. You dont deserve to be subjected to that every day. The world is full of joy too. Trans joy is real. I find my time far better spent engaging with trans solidarity and joy. You should block the site and move on. The temptation fades with time. You have to choose to look at better things.

  • Well your already on Lemmy so why do you go back to reddit? If you can answer that question then you have your answer. I much prefer it here where where you can actually interact with people instead of ai and NPCs

  • You're describing self harm, look up resources for dealing with it.

    1. Lemmy is libre federated Reddit. What more do you want? You don't need the shitware that Reddit runs or its toxic communities.
    2. TERF-trans alliance? I used to imagine the idea that, in a million-monkeys way, there was bound to be a small "trans 4 Trump" contingent on Twitter. Later I heard about Caitlyn Jenner's politics, and the reification of the unlikely took its innocence. You know well enough to stay away from those groups.
    3. If you're looking for transphobic self-flagellation, there are many routes you could take that don't endanger the community. There are shows - one person recommended Sex and the City, and the recent Ed Gein streaming series seems to make some reprehensible parallels between us and serial killers, despite the queer tastes of its creators. You could also get into an abusive relationship and get called an ugly fag that roleplays as a tranny, like the last relationship I was in. You could make a Grindr profile and call yourself a "sissy" to attract the wrong kind of people, and don't forget to mention you have a high pain tolerance.
    4. We all love you and support you in spirit. The impetus to make decisions that are right for you is ultimately on you, and if it's an issue of self-control, therapy isn't a bad idea. I'm in therapy to address my feelings of lonelines, failure, and emotional/empathetic/relationship maintenance inadequacy. Whatever you do, you will probably be fine.

  • “I don't know what drives them to participate” Do you not consider your going there participation? Why are you participating?

  • I got banned for supporting Palestinian workers rather than the Zionist occupation

  • I have the website on my piHole block list. This forces me to either enable VPN and hope I can get through their filters, or I have to manually unblock the site thru PiHole if i want to browse. Which honestly seeing as I set up that block during the API fiasco? I flat-out stopped visiting anyways. Its just ... slop now.

    • Recently, when reverse image searching, Google feeds me a shitton of Reddit, Instagram, Facebook or Pinterest. The first three either refuse to let you see the image or refuse to let you download it, and the fourth is a wasteful link to a link that usually doesn't exist. I shall block those with my AGH and see how it performs lol

  • I don't know if I should talk but I think I may add something to the other comments.

    First of all, TERF_teams alliance feels like it should not exist, they are not the first. Godwin point: it is like Chaim Rumkowski or some others Jews that help Nazi germany (I can't find back the name of a jew who agreed with Hitler on the existence of a problem with Jewish people). I can't explain the psychological mechanism other than a form of selfharm (this can be psychological as other mentioned), I could add an example of 4chan, but no necessary in my opinion.

    Also, debate a la Charlie Kirk are stupid and counter productive. You do not talk with the far right. Ask Wallonia (french speaking Belgium) their technique to not have far right in power : block them everywhere, and never work with them. If you go open minded, know that they won't, they will only use rethoric stuff to make you look like a fool, cut an micro interview with the same objective. Did turning point do anything other than stupid debate in universities with students? They are stupid, and people that agreed with Kirk should not be sad about his death as he died for what he stood for (gun violence is a necessary sacrifice for 2nd amendment), but here they are. All in all, don't talk to fascist, punch'em (at least, block them for your own sake).

    Also, uninstall reddit from smartphones (old style is better I think), install block leech on your browser (which should be firefix to have ubo on android) and put reddit in the list. I once find it nice to have it blocked as needing to modify it was to much for my casual lazyness (flemme in french)

    If it is not clear (I am not good at writing my thoughts) sorry, I will gladly try to answer any questions.

  • Maybe block the URL in the browser? Helps fighting a habbit.

  • You should find a healthier coping strategy. What exactly is driving you to go somewhere you know will make you feel worse?

    I only go to reddit for content. Its works as a normie link aggravator. It also is good for finding local news and stories because Lemmy communities for individual cities are empty.

    Admittedly I usually only go there after I've doomscrolled past everything new on lemmy. Not the most mentally healthy practice, but what you describe sounds worse.

    Stop actively seeking out harm. You deserve better than to treat yourself this way.

25 comments