3 mo. ago • 99%

JD Vance Has Panic Attack After Learning Jesus Was Childless

theshovel.com.au JD Vance Has Panic Attack After Learning Jesus Was Childless — The Shovel

Vice Presidential candidate JD Vance was being provided urgent medical care today after he found out that the man used to justify his party’s policy positions was a single, childless, unemployed hippie with two dads.

26 comments

He also had a panic attack over being gay

"I'll never forget the time I convinced myself that I was gay. I was eight or nine, maybe younger, and I stumbled upon a broadcast by some fire-and-brimstone preacher. The man spoke about the evils of homosexuals, how they had infiltrated our society, and how they were all destined for hell absent some serious repenting. At the time, the only thing I knew about gay men was that they preferred men to women. This described me perfectly: I disliked girls, and my best friend in the world was my buddy Bill. Oh no, I'm going to hell."

When he brought up the issue with his grandmother — known to Vance as "Mamaw" — she replied bluntly: "Don't be a fucking idiot, how would you know that you're gay?"

When Vance explained his reasoning, she laughed.

"JD, do you want to suck dicks?" she said, according to the book.

The young Vance, apparently "flabbergasted," said: "Of course not!"

"Then you're not gay. And even if you did want to suck dicks, that would be okay," she replied. "God would still love you."

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- His grandma asked an 8 year old if he liked to suck dick. Totally normal question, right? Like if a Republican asked an 8 year old girl if she liked dick in her mouth that would be normal?
  
  87
  
  Apparently that is normal to republicans. Fucking weirdos.
  
  27
  
  Who said this was normal?
  
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- Mawmaw sounds cool.
  
  Edit: ok, so, maybe mawmaw was an abusive drunk (I’m in the habit of taking victims at their word, but JD Vance is a prolific liar), but at least she wasn’t a homophobe.
  
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  Mawmaw sounds traumatic as fuck and I would have told her flat out I did.
  
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  She was an alcoholic who bullied and tormented Vance's mother according to the book. But Vance hates his mother, so he loved Mawmaw for abusing his mom
  
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- I had the same problem with masturbation. My religion made a big deal over what a sin it was, and we had no sexual education, so literally the only thing I knew was that it meant touching your own genitals, which I did whenever I needed to scratch or adjust myself. It was panic-inducing and miserable.
  
  22
  
  I'm sorry you had to go through this. I feel things of this sort pushes more people away from religion. I don't personally find that to be a bad thing, but it seems counter-intuitive to their mission
  
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- lol I love this.
  
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  Good, you'll probably be seeing more of it
  
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According to a story from The Christian Science Monitor, authors of the book, "The Lost Gospel," say they have uncovered a manuscript that details the marriage between Jesus and Mary Magdalene that produce two sons, Manasseh and Ephraim.

https://www.csmonitor.com/The-Culture/2014/1110/1-400-year-old-manuscript-points-to-Jesus-wife-and-kids-authors-say

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- Manasseh and Ephraim.
  
  I read his son's names translated as Jacob and James, named after their father and after their dead uncle, but also a first-born daughter Tamarah.
  
  Eventually his family migrated slowly to settle in northern Spain. You want some sang-real, go there, Indy.
  
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  Pretty sure at least one of his descendants ended up in Illinois.
  
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  You’re right. That’s how it reads. I read the names in another article years ago, but I’m not sure where.
  
  Edit: Not that it matters, but I found it. It’s referencing the same article, so it was probably editor or web scraping bot error.
  
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- Who’s his mom, according to that text?
  
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  Jesus’s mother Mary is not Mary Magdalene. They were two different people. Neither Mary (Maryam, Mariam, Myriam) had a traditional last name. Mary Magdalene, meaning Mary from Magdala, was referred to as a repentant sinner that Jesus defended and befriended in the New Testament.
  
  https://www.catholic.com/magazine/online-edition/who-is-mary-magdalene
  
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....that HE knows of....

herp-a-derp.

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Oh, man, the next time my neighbor goes shooting off their mouth about how two men/women can't be good parents and the new childless BS I'm gonna look at him and drop this on him.

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Come one, you know with Republicans, it only counts if it's a woman.

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